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Real Housewives of Dallas Recap: Falling apart like cheap pantyhose

It’s part two of The Real Housewives of Dallas Season 2 Reunion, and it’s time to say farewell to the group of dildo wielding, vagina doctor attending, dog food eating housewives. At the time of writing this article, there is no confirmation of a season 3, but like LeeAnne Locken, we’ll pitch our tent in the land of hope. It was a blast writing this recap and hearing from so many of you. I hope you’ll keep up with me on my reality TV podcast, the link is at the bottom of this recap. On with the show!

Back at the studio, LeeAnne is furious that Rich can’t be there to defend her, the way Mark Deuber can defend his wife, Cary Deuber. The sit down resumes and everyone is in place, including the good Doctor. We are shown a video package to transition to a “Deuber Family Life” discussion. Andy Cohen tells Mark that he was perceived as a control freak. True. Squeezed in next to Cary, the Doc admits that he is. Cary clarifies that Mark doesn’t control her; instead, she makes more excuses for his [bad] behavior, chalking it up to “finding a balance”. Ok. In other news, Mark lets it be known, that he does like his young daughter, Zuri. His defense for the [bad] behavior is that we didn’t see it last season and he wouldn’t make a 180 in his behavior overnight. Even LeeAnne admits she called D’Andra Simmons concerned for their marriage. Cary says they’re both assholes and Andy drives home that they are perfect for one another.

Real Housewives of Dallas Recap: The Trial of LeeAnne Locken

The ladies of The Real Housewives of Dallas have assembled for a well-deserved two-part reunion. The set is Texafied with a fireplace, cow skin run and lots of random horns all over the place. Cary Deuber prepares herself to “mind dump” everything in her head. The two camps gather before the face off on the couches. Brandi Redmond claims that’s she ready to beat a bitch up. She went from mean girl to downright vicious. Host, Andy Cohen greets the ladies. We learn that Mama Dee Simmons has prepped daughter, D’Andra Simmons with recorded questions (??). Stephanie Hollman plans to move into her new house around January. Brandi takes the first jab, explaining that she’s not pregnant, but instead pre-menopausal, possibly even going through the change before ex-pal LeeAnne Locken.

The fun begins. First up, a reunion staple, the “look at how much fun we’re having” package, full of pool swans, worm shots, hot dog costumes and tickling dildos. Andy takes this time to ask Kameron Westcott about her dog food line – it’s doing well. Onto the second package, covering the split of Steph-andi and LeeAnne parading around as Stephanie 2 Face. Brandi once again admits that she was pissed at her on again, off again, now on again friend. Stephanie clarifies that her Bravo blog said it was about Brandi’s husband arriving at a party drunk that was the “slow-moving car crash”, not her marriage. (Haven’t these two had this conversation before this moment?) Again, Brandi says she felt jealous and unimportant and chose not to communicate. Stephanie takes ownership for taking on Brandi so heavily in her life and pulling away. As far as LeeAnne’s costume goes, Steph felt bullied and attacked in her own home. Confused, LeeAnne says that when the trailer dropped she called her costume “amazing”, but she’s “pretty sure” that was just the hot dog one. LeeAnne is quick to call her out about the condescending confessionals, calling Stephanie “mean”, “ugly” and “rude”. Kameron is happy to ask her if she thinks a flesh-eating bacteria is funny – which Stephanie is also quick to regret.

Real Housewives of Dallas Recap: Cirque du Slit Throat

The season two finale of The Real Housewives of Dallas is upon us. The ladies have appeared to come full circle, resulting three versus three, with little hope of resolution. Cary Deuber successfully played her way into the “middle” all season, and now has a tight alliance Brandi Redmond and Stephanie Hollman. Brandi turned on LeeAnne Locken real quick and the war rages on – onto the third season, we hope.  If you haven’t already, tell your friends to watch this show. They’ve earned another season. On with the show:

LeeAnne and D’Andra Simmons are engagement party planning. There is a theme and a surprise! I’m friends with LeeAnne its carnival-themed! It’s going to be more Cirque du Soleil than county fair. Keeping it classy people! Expect an eatable cotton candy wall and a “lounge pocket”, whatever that is. D’Andra is all too excited to plan a follow-up engagement brunch for the day after. Even Mama Dee Simmons approves of LeeAnne and Rich, but she’s got a date the night of the party, so don’t expect to see her. Speaking of moms, we find out that LeeAnne’s mama is coming. We’re told she and LeeAnne are estranged and LeeAnne is hoping for a resolution.

Real Housewives of Dallas: The Nanny and the Confessor

It’s sad to know that next week will be the season finale of The Real Housewives of Dallas. This show has been an escape since August. It has been a strong season filled with drama, laughs and dick jokes. This week proves once again that the cast has all equally pulled their weight. New girls, Kameron Westcott and D’Andra Simmons have also made a name for themselves. D’Andra hasn’t been the catalyst for any drama, yet is still arguably coming across the best this season. Never boring, D’Andra keeps it real and hasn’t shied away from an opinion yet. Kameron has committed to not being taken seriously, and it works. We’ve laughed (and sometimes rolled our eyes) through all of her moments and got to see what pink dog food looks like. We know you were wondering…

This episode picks up with Stephanie Hollman patiently teaching her son the alphabet with a Tutor. She’s happy to see that his confidence is growing and feels good about his progress. Later, we learn that her husband Travis also suffered from dyslexia growing up. And now he’s a multi-millionaire. Stephanie smiles as she realizes that her son is going to be just fine.

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The Real Housewives of Dallas chugs along into another over the top episode. The Mexico trip has ended kind of abruptly and we’re back in Dallas. This episode had all the ingredients of a classic real housewives disaster. They’re deep into the season, the cast trip is behind them and loyalties are changing and a flesh-eating bacteria has entered the picture! The ladies are all back to their Dallas lives. Cary Deuber and Mark Deuber catch up and unpack. Cary is very low energy, sitting with her arms folded; telling her husband that she only had a good time with Kameron Westcott and D’Andra Simmons. She goes on to say that Brandi Redmond and Stephanie Hollman didn’t have her back and hasn’t talked to them since. Cary carefully tells her husband that LeeAnne Locken said he goes to the bars and has guys hit on him. Mark keeps his cool but says that he doesn’t need people to ruin them and walks out.

Brandi (and her misbehaving daughters) go to check out the venue for the upcoming white party. Brandi explains that she has an annual themed Christmas party. We’re treated to pictures of her husband in a bathing suit and one in a onesie. An “Event Designer” is all excited about some 6ft light up marquee sign that says “Play”. (??) In her interview, Brandi introduces us to Win, her white reindeer. We’re told they both don’t believe in boundaries, so watch out Kameron. Back in the event space, Stephanie joins and Brandi says she’s still upset with Cary. They’re both weirded out by fighting with their ex-friend. Stephanie gives Cary credit for being there for her when she had no one and just doesn’t want to get in the middle. Shouldn’t she mediate between the two before it gets ugly?

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On this nusto episode of The Real Housewives of Dallas, we pick up right where we left off from last week. It’s high drama, booming theatrical music with drums as LeeAnne Locken watches it go down between Brandi Redmond and Cary Deuber. Cary maintains that Brandi made up the earlier comments about the red head’s doctor killing patients on the operating table. Cary feels LeeAnne turned everything around on her and no one’s talking about the threat she made on her life. It’s Cary’s turn in the hot seat. In her interview, LeeAnne says that the issue has always been and will always be – Cary. Back at the cave dinner, Cary is offended and can’t even look at Brandi. She leaves with Kameron Westcott who is too good to be seen in a cave feels bad for Cary. This is the beginning of Cary switching teams. Cut to: Drunken Mexican shenanigans. D’Andra Simmons takes a moment to apologize to her mom for dancing on top of the bar. Cut to: Cary putting another one of her face masks on her newest teammate, Kameron.

The next day the girls get up and are in recovery mode. LeeAnne suggests D’Andra scrub her back. Brandi and Stephanie Hollman laugh over the fun night they had with D’Andra, but not without commentary. “I like hanging out with old people,” Brandi said about D’Andra. (Let’s not forget the comment she said in Memphis about beating D’Andra to getting a facelift)

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We return to Playa del Carmen, Mexico, where the ladies are on their first real cast trip. Doesn’t it seem like all the franchises end up in Mexico at one point or another? Now it’s time for The Real Housewives of DallasKameron Westcott has rules for a quality vacation, Cary Deuber gets called out for being a know it all and LeeAnne Locken is ready to boil over. What could possibly go wrong?

Everyone’s getting in their swimsuits to go fight lay out by the beach. D’Andra Simmons‘ suit is new, don’t tell Mama Dee. Brandi Redmond and Stephanie Hollman are giggling like schoolgirls over their secret surprise, an XL dildo deemed “sexual chocolate”. Brandi can barely contain herself as she slips it inside D’Andra’s bag. Apparently, she’s the ‘conservative’ one on the trip… There’s lots of tequila, consumption of worms and grasshoppers. Kameron is learning a lot while watching D’Andra chowing away on some crispy worms. Grabbing her bag, D’Andra spots the dildo right away and pulls it out. Cary flees. Is it too much? Not according to her who claims to have nonstop sex.

Real Housewives of Dallas Recap

The divide gets a little bit bigger this week on The Real Housewives of Dallas. There’s some crazy talk, but also a moment that looked to be out of Mean Girls: The Adult Years. One house husband won’t miss an opportunity to be on camera, and everyone can’t stop talking about LeeAnne Locken’s plastic surgeon doctor OBYGN cosmetic surgeon. Here we go –

Cary Deuber is alarmed because she’s only having sex with Mark once a day. They’re remodeling the practice and it’s all being put on Cary’s shoulders. She asks if it is okay if she runs to yoga and Mark suggests she keeps working. She wants to pick up her daughter after yoga and he ultimately allows her to “bail” on him again but not without making comments – so many comments. Cary is tired of battling Mark when it comes to giving attention to her daughter. This man needs to be brought down a peg or two, or three or four.