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Kyle - Tilapia

Last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills reminded us that there is a good side to every Housewife, or wannabe Housewife.

Mother of the yearLisa Vanderpump is buying Max an apartment to reward him for putting up with the hooligans of SUR. And trust me – that is no small feat! Lisa and Ken spent $630,000 on a WeHo ‘gem’ that they describe as a dump, but I thought it looked pretty amazing and far nicer than any place I’ve ever lived. But alas, we cannot all be so lucky as to be adopted into pillows of Pomeranian fur, bejeweled British accents, and cocooned in rose-scented tea petals. Please note my official plea that Lisa save me from my middle-classdom.

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Tom 2 in drag

On last night’s Vanderpump Rules poor Tom Schwartz saw the writing on the wall and it said “RUN!” First off, how stupid was the witch hunt over Tom’s two years in the past drunken Vegas hook-up and then Kristen Doute‘s insistence that this is the justified reason Katie Maloney is constantly mean and angry.

I fully agree with Tom Sandoval – that’s ridiculous, and Tom 2 is a “battered wife.” Now I feel more sad watching this. More sad-sad, even, because the only way Tom can tap into his own inner rage and express his feelings is while wearing a dress. Or being tortured by reptiles. When Tom 1 and Jax Taylor are the lone sane members of your collective friend group, things are not going swimmingly.

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NeNe Leakes

When normal children get a car for their 18th birthday, it’s usually some hand-me-down, but when a Real Housewife – particularly a very rich bitch like NeNe Leakes – buys her child a car, it’s a BRAND NEW JEEP!

The forever Real Housewives Of Atlanta star’s son Brentt just turned 18, and that was cause for some high dollar celebration from NeNe and Gregg. Apparently it was motivation for that bigger milestone: high school graduation!

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Kandi & Porsha argue

Well, um, who needs a hot shower after last night’s Real Housewives Of Atlanta?! The ladies were on pu$$y patrol, but there was also slow motion stiletto strolls, butterflies, and some serious Diana Ross, the Studio 54 years, hairstyles.

After a dramatic ‘lesbian’ laden dinner brought the glamping adventure to an end, Kandi Burruss is too upset by the accusations to ride home on the communal bus. Or maybe she was scared she have to confront further issues? One person, Cynthia Bailey, is relieved to be away from pu$$y-related problems, but alas that escape will be short-lived and come right back at Cynthia like getting struck by lightening.

While Marlo Hampton, stirrer of trouble and bubbles, busies herself with selfies, Sheree Whitfield plots and ponders. Specifically she wonders why Phaedra Parks, one of the originators of the ‘Kandi hooks up with girls’ rumors, never backed her bestie Porsha Williams. But for now Porsha is willing to sit in the hotseat alone, except for her girls ‘Coco and Chanel.’

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ramona-singer-sonja-morgan

Sonja Morgan has been trying to sell off her three-story NYC townhome for years, and if at first you don’t succeed: try, try again!

The Real Housewives Of New York star, who has battled a bankruptcy and a lawsuit dealing with millions her ex-husband owes her, has previously sold a French property and a ski chalet. She has resisted letting go of the townhouse since it is her daughter’s childhood home, but it is a new day in the neighborhood. Sonja is once again asking $10 million for her notorious abode of crumbled glamour.

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Debra Danielsen as her rap alterego

Obviously, it takes a special person to spawn the wunderkind that is Farrah Abraham. And that special person is Debra Danielsen. Which is why Farrah’s equally controversial mom landed her own MTV special, Being Debra.

“I think people will laugh and I think they will be inspired,” Debra gushed about her Teen Mom OG special.

As it turns out, Being Debra is about more than just bringing Farrah onto this earth or getting scammed out of thousands by online lovers – it means becoming a menopausal mama rapper, called Debz OG, who is in the process of starting her own record label to bring people together through music. I suppose Debra is just following in her daughter’s footsteps and blowin’ all the haters away.

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Lisa Rinna

Oh Lisa Rinna. Those lips, those lips are juicy. Last night, the ladies of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills were supposed to be relaxing in Mexico, but we all know that’s not what happened. Echoing a theme of being over the shit, Eileen Davidson preferred Montezuma’s Revenge Diarrhea to more diarrhea of drama over who said what 3,000 years ago when Montezuma ruled.

So Lipsa arrives in Mexico to a chilly greeting. Kyle Richards is reeling after learning that Lipsa blabbed what the whole world was already thinking about Kim Richards‘ state of sobriety: Kim is “mostly sober,” Kyle is an enabler, and Kim is/was “near death.” Unfortunately Lipsa chose to make these observations to Eden Sassoon, who she mistakenly believed she could trust.

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Bethenny Frankel

Apartment drama continues for the ladies of Real Housewives Of New York, past and present. Bethenny Frankel is on the move – yet again – while Jules Wainstein continues to fight her ex Michael for money and property.

Of all the things RHONY has taught me it’s that one should never invest in property with a significant other. After separating from Jason Hoppy, Bethenny moved into a Skinny Girl decorated pad in SoHo, but barely two years later, she’s listing it for $5.25.

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