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Below Deck Mediterranean - Kasey Cohen

This season of Below Deck Mediterranean is turning into whatever the ocean version of a trainwreck is? The Titanic? An attack by one-eyed pirates with a taste for five-star cuisine. Anyway, it’s an high seas hot mess and Captain Sandy Yawn better get savvy about the impending crash of her $80M dollar yacht. There ain’t no smooth sailing ahead – especially with these shellfish-fearing hellfish onboard!

The most awful charter guests ever are still, unfortunately, demanding the entire crew stop doing things to make the boat run and go on a scavenger hunt for nuts. These women are nuts, and the only nuts they’re gonna get are walnuts – even though they are also seeking the male variety. Forever out of stock on Motor Yacht Talisman Maiton! Seriously – where do they find these people, I wonder, before learning they are from Atlanta and deciding they are probably somehow related to the Real Housewives from Hell.

Vanderpump Rules reunion

Last night was the final episode in this endless season of Vanderpump Rules. I celebrated making it to the end with a Vanderpump Rules worthy fancy cocktail of my own creation.

Oftentimes while watching this show, I mentally compare it to The Wizard of Oz. I imagine all these aimless WeHo-ers, orange as oompah-loompas, wandering the LA scene asking The Wizard, Lisa Vanderpump, for some guidance, but even Lisa doesn’t know what to do with these half-humans and sometimes must simply order them to “shut up.”

So last night Lala Kent got a conscience, Jax Taylor pretended he got a heart, and Scheana Marie demonstrated that selling her soul to Andy Cohen the reality TV satan granted her eternal selfishness. Congrats!

Below Deck Mediterranean - Areca and Adam

Last night was the season premiere of Below Deck Mediterranean Season 3. The scene is set among the beautiful Italian coast, but that’s where the classiness ends!

This year Captain Sandy Yawn will be steering a massive new boat and she has a matching massive attitude. The Motor Yacht Talisman Maiton, for all it’s sensational size, kind of resembles a Marriott on the inside; all dark, heavy colors and dreary overdone rooms. Perfect to match Hannah Ferrier‘s sulkiness as she returns, once again, to the life of a chief stew. Hannah is turning 30 and is tired of serving eggs for ungrateful guests while her own go stale. She is at a precipice and must decide to give up her heart to the high seas, or retire and find Mr. Right. Maybe she could combine these things by marrying a pirate?

Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Secrets Revealed - Lisa Rinna

After a rather drama-free season of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills, it’s not surprising that the secrets revealed last night were less than exciting – and had mostly to do with teenagers behaving badly and the mothers who worry about them.

Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave‘s husband Edwin is giving Mauricio a run for his money in the real estate game! Either that or Edwin’s been watching Million Dollar Listing for some advice on how to win a bidding war on multi-million dollar homes, because after stalking the builders of his neighbor’s house, he badgered, harassed, and harangued them into taking $2 million less for the property just to get rid of him. They need security for the security guy!

Teddi is thrilled with the new home – at a discount price. Not so successful was Edwin’s buying a new Lambo with the money he saved. Teddi does not like things that go fast unless they’re one night stands which lead to the altar. Or cardio classes. And horsepower belongs on four-legged friends with mane and tail.

Um, I wouldn’t pay $2.99 to fulfill my husband’s midlife crisis, let alone $299,000. Edwin is a lucky guy!

Captain Sandy Yawn

Grab your life preservers – literally – because season 3 of Below Deck Mediterranean is here! 

This year the crew takes off for Italy where they will infect the pristine blue waters with their toxic cesspool of fighting and inappropriate nudity – all led by the erstwhile Captain Sandy Yawn

James Kennedy

I know we’ve all referred to the stars of Vanderpump Rules as “Vanderpump Fools” but you know, if the condom fits! Happily some of these people have taken the tentative steps towards adulthood, however most of them are still mixing reiki with booze and wondering why their back hurts.

On part 2 of the reunion, Jax Taylor continued to be confused about, well, everything. Lala Kent defined feminism and her finances, and Katie Maloney cried about how amazing Tom Schwartz is. Regardless of how flawed it may be, it’s nice to finally see these two happy – especially considering how unhappy their wedding was! 

Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Reunion Part 3 Recap: Project Yourself

Last night was part 3 of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills reunion. Which means this season of interminable squabbles about protocol and etiquette at the queen’s court of public opinion, an unintentional farce from the court jester, is over. Thank you Dorit Kemsley for your tragicomic contributions to Reality TV – we salute you with a beer stein filled with cheap champagne.

So last night the ladies of Beverly Hills trotted out their plethora of headache-inducing shiny dresses for the last time to bicker over such impotent social slights as who talks about themselves the most (the answer: always and forever Kyle Richards) and the definition of a liar. For the record, I really dislike recapping reunions. It’s like following a verbal tennis game and I always want to activate closed captioning on my TV to catch all the shady little barbs, except I don’t actually know how to turn that on. Maybe that’s a good thing?

Kyle & Mauricio In Utah

Kyle Richards and her husband Mauricio Umansky are doing something very un-Beverly Hills: they’re hiking and enjoying the great outdoors (albeit with champagne and a fancy resort) in Utah and Arizona. 

The Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills star and her husband, along with some friends have been vacationing at the exclusive Amangiri resort in the red rock Antelope Canyons and Rattlesnake Canyons. There they’ve been swimming in Lake Powell, hiking and trekking, mountain biking and of course enjoying five-star luxury service! Champagne on the rocks – literally.