Last night was the premiere of Vanderpump Rules. I love this show! I love Tom 1 and Tom 2 on their rollerskates, reenacting Boogie Nights Returns: The Wind In My Perm: A Post-Porn Love Story To Decades Of Duos. I love that Scheana Marie Famewhore is now selling Sir Hubs A Lot up ish creek because all the spotlights in all the world need to be focused on her Madonna-adled fantasies (And Scheana ain’t no virgin – just ask Brandi Glanville!) And I love Kristen Doute being the new Stassi Schroeder; stomping around the outskirts of SUR, screaming about how mature she is now that she’s done with this waitressing thingie. T-shirt Lines are the new Statement Necklaces!
So let’s recap this bitch!
First things first, Jax Taylor is a plastic surgery addict, which means he’s gonna end up on Botched trying to undo his Bieber recreation makeover. Jax had had his THIRD nose job – this one to remove minuscule lumps that were a blight to his once perfect profile. He’s also got a nasty 6″ Frankenstein scar running down his forehead. Was he actually undergoing a lobotomy to forget his past as the premiere male supermodel and living incarnate of Zoolander?
To refresh your memory on everything that happened last season, plus give you a taste of what you’re in for, we’re recapping the craziest moments from season 3. In short: There was a whole lotta cheatin’ going on!
While Lauren has resolved to legally (and religiously) yoke herself to one Vicotta, of the saltiest and savoriest salamis, Albie Manzo remains adrift in the wind, spraying his pot fertilizer up at the sun and watching it disappear. Albie went from being the prodigal son, to being mommy’s biggest flop – even Lauren mocks him for failing out of law school. It was all that pot prosciutto!
The Real Housewives Of Orange County reunion has left a bad taste in my mouth. Right after I wrote this I ate like 16 pieces of Halloween candy. It’s my version of cleansing.
The highlight from Part 3, if you could call it that, was Vicki Gunvalson finally admitting she doesn’t believe Brooks Ayers has cancer. She “covered” for him all season because she did believe him until very recently. The other highlight was that no one screamed in decibels so shrill Andy’s dog howled backstage. Briana describes Vicki’s uncannily calm demeanor as being “in a state of shock” over how much of her life Vicki has messed up over Brooks. Or the five half a Xanax she took.
The low points: Everything else. Including Meghan King Edmonds‘ hair – why must it look like a Kim Z Generation 1 wig? The more I look at it, the more I see bad imitation senator’s wife.
Lizzie Rovsek didn’t attend the Real Housewives Of Orange County reunion and has been on the sidelines this season, keeping herself removed from the drama and the accusations, but that doesn’t mean Lizzie lacks an opinion on the happenings.
Discussing her perception of the reunion and the highs (and very, very lows) of this season, Lizzie has one major takeaway observation: “It seems like all season everyone can say whatever they want, no matter how hurtful or inappropriate it may seem; but as soon as Vicki opens her mouth everyone is so quick to be appalled and shocked.”
It’s been an emotional year for the Sister Wives crew: divorce, marriage, legal marriage, pregnancy, and finally, adoption. That’s pretty minimal drama considering we’re talking about a family of about 62 zillion people, right?! But the biggest change: Kody Brown legally wed Robyn – his fourth wife – and on June 17th also legally adopted her three children from a previous relationship. Cause Hair Flips really should be assuming more dependents!
Speaking out on the exciting experience, Robyn and Kody describe it as providing “validation” and security to their family.
Meri Brown, Kody’s first wife and for 20 years his lone legal wife, graciously stepped aside to let Robyn take her place as the one legally yoked to Kody’s luscious locks. It’s like a fairy tale!
Kelly alleged that producers provoked the backstage hair pulling argument with Abby to force Kelly off the show, then detained her from fleeing in order to press charges. Abby did press charges of misdemeanor assault, which were dropped.
Leah once had primary custody, with Corey getting the twins on weekends. Lately Leah’s increasingly erratic behavior (which Leah blamed on anxiety, depression, and poor coping skills – NOT DRUGS or Robbie Kidd‘s peen!) has everyone concerned about the Teen Mom 2 star’s ability to care for her daughters. After repeated school tardies and absences, Corey had enough of waiting for Leah to get her act together!
Leah is devastated by the judge’s decision, but determined fight back by appearing on the cover of Us Weekly to question Corey’s motives. Leah has also filed a motion for the court to reconsider their decision.