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Real Housewives of Melbourne

 Real Housewives of Melbourne

 As the first season of The Real Housewives of Melbourne comes to a close, Janet Roach’s quote that I’ve used to title this finale is the theme of this whole year. Also for every single Housewife franchise out there.

We begin with Lydia Schiavello and Andrea Moss having coffee and I squirm watching these two in cahoots about hating on everyone. They’re not even mean girls, they’re just bored and don’t have anything else to do. Lydia gets on the horn and calls Janet to be like, “why they he’ll you going to Gina’s fundraiser??!!”. Janet, who’s had enough of this fighting, is all, “I’m over bagging Gina”. Lydia and Andrea can’t handle that answer. Nope. They continue to berate Janet into not going and then blame their phone crashing for having to end the convo. Good for Janet! She’s over it (who isn’t at this point??!!) and is going to Gina Liano’s event regardless of Lydia and Andrea’s stupid reasoning. 

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Shopping sprees abound on this week’s episode of The Real Housewives of Melbourne!!! Janet Roach and Chyka Keebaugh head out to pick up a few cocktail dresses and cha-ching! Their personal stylists have it the jackpot. As they add dress after dress, each one about $2K each, I’m getting majorly jealous – I don’t even wear anything that needs to be dry cleaned these days, let alone a magenta pink Swarovski dress. Meanwhile, Gina Liano meets up with Melbourne’s version of Patti Stanger and is looking for a new man in her life.  Gina does meet the criteria of a millionairess so we’ll see how that goes later on.

Ugh, I’m starting loathe the Lydia scenes.  We’re now in Lydia Schiavello’s kitchen as she is strangely oohing and ahhing over her maid, Joanna’s peeling technique of vegetables.  Lydia actually has the audacity to say that since she’s had hired help for the past 20 years, she’s forgot how to clean. Say what??!! Just stop Lydia. Lydia found Joanna on the street in front of her house a few years ago and now they are best buds. Joanna also picks out Lydia clothes because Lydia has no idea where anything is.  Huh? I don’t think Joanna is her best friend in the sense you and I have best friends. I think Joanna is her best hired helper. That seems more up Lydia’s alley. 

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After some internet/cable snafus with my new house, the Real Housewives Of Melbourne recaps have returned! So I’m catching up from the last couple of weeks.  Bear with me people. 

Lydia Schiavello is paying a visit with her old girlfriend, Lisa. Lydia spilled the beans about the crazo beach weekend with the ladies.  Lisa has been depraving herself of carbs since in utero and now is busy running her company while her husband retires. Lydia absolutely cannot imagine going to work full-time while her husband, Andrew stays home. The thought of it!! While Lisa discusses with Lydia about her intensely stressful week (raising capital, running the company, etc.), Lydia chimes in with, “Well, as long so you stay sexy for your husband”.  Huh? Wha??? Lisa is all, “It was so nice to see you and I just don’t have any friends like you!” (Backhanded compliment). Lydia is an idiot.
 

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On this week’s episode of The Real Housewives of Melbourne, Chyka Keebaugh has invited all the ladies to a much-needed beach getaway. Jackie Gillies and Lydia Schiavello kick things off with a shopping spree to stock up on zebra-patterned caftans from a nearby caftan specialty boutique (these exist). Lydia models a modest Grecian dress and a Jackie steps out in a teeny, tiny leopard-print mini spandex dress and aptly pokes fun at herself by saying she looks like “a stick with big tits”. Ha! Meanwhile, Lydia can only muster, “Oh Wow” (remember, she is just sooooo articulate) the entire time they shop.

Andrea Moss finishes up her packing, ensures her nanny has the 735-point checklist and off they go to airport where the group will be taking private helicopters to Queensland for their vacay.  Surprise, surprise Gina Liano is late. Again.  Janet Roach is about to cut a b*#%h if Gina doesn’t arrive in like 5 seconds. Gina rolls up (how many colbalt blue dresses can one have in their wardrobe anyway??!!) and is hoping everyone is chill for the trip.  

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Opening today’s episode of The Real Housewives of Melbourne is Lydia Schiavello in class at her Interior Design School in Melbourne. I’m already excited because I’ve realized over these past few weeks that Lydia’s footage is priceless. I can’t help but think that she could be the least intelligent of ALL the Housewives franchises, trying to pawn herself off as smart and sophisticated. It’s pure joy at this point listening to the idiotic things that pour out of her mouth.  Even Alexis Bellino knew she wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed. 

It’s already terrible as Lydia basically tells the professor how do his job, how he actually admires HER, how “cute” her little classmates are and how she goes on a completely other route than what the assignments are because, well, she can. She states her design is classical, contemporary, eclectic and timeless. What the?? Those four words in one design statement are all over the friggin’ place. I’m starting feel as if she just spews out words and doesn’t even know what they mean. You know, if they are big words then I’m getting Lydia feels she sounds intelligent. This is hilarious watching her struggle to appear like she knows what the heck is going on. 

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This week’s episode of The Real Housewives of Melbourne kicks off with Chyka Keebaugh and her husband Bruce getting away for romantic date night out and it’s adorable how in love they are after 25 years of marriage.  These two are best friends and I can’t get enough of their authentic relationship.  Chyka briefs Bruce about Jackie Gillies and her husband Ben’s alcohol line idea and he graciously notes how tough the business is but wishes them the best of luck (Chyka and Bruce are a class act!).  Following dinner, Bruce surprises Chyka with a rented out carnival park so they can enjoy the rides like they did back in the day.  Again, I love Bruce. 

Next we find Janet Roach visiting her jeweler to pick up her melted down old engagement rings into one ginormous ring.  Here’s the thing with her bling that confuses me a bit- it looks like an engagement ring.  I thought her goal was to get this ring that signified her life of independence and a new start.  I just didn’t think getting a replica engagement ring was her angle.  It strikes me as odd. 

 Real Housewives of Melbourne

 In this week’s episode of The Real Housewives of Melbourne, some of the ladies hit the slopes while the other help Janet prep for a first date.  

The big weekend has arrived for Jackie Gillies and Andrea Moss to ski at Lydia Schiavello’s home in Thredbo.  Jackie and Andrea are loading up their luggage with fur scarfs (that have pockets – genius!) and non-quail feather-stuffed jackets.  Andrea’s husband is stoked to nosh on pizza, chips and any other crappy food that he can get his hands on while she is away.  After a long ride, Lydia welcomes them to her home that she just spent time redecorating.  Mind you the house has no paint on the walls and she put up a collage of white picture frames with family photos in it.  Just a reminder that she is in school for interior design and the place looks like she threw together some pieces from IKEA. 

 Real Housewives of Melbourne

We’re three episodes in on The Real Housewives of Melbourne and it’s Botox Time!  Janet Roach and Jackie Gillies visit Andrea Moss’s skin spa for a touch-up on Botox.  However, while Andrea is far too young for it, Janet’s bringing her along to see what the whole procedure is actually like.  Andrea’s husband, the plastic surgeon, injects her and Jackie can’t believe how painful it looks.  For Janet, this is as usual as getting her eyebrows waxed.  Jackie is chirping in the background about how great her body is and with her European skin that she doesn’t feel like she’ll ever need it. They rehash Jackie’s convo with Gina and Jackie decides to be the bigger person and invite Gina Liano to her housewarming party.

Lydia Schiavello and Andrea shop for a housewarming gift for Jackie’s party. Lydia invites Andrea to her ski home for a chance to get away and Andrea admits she’s never been away from her family for a night.  Really? With the 5 rotating nannies and all? Never? I’m having a hard time believing this.  Lydia mentions that she’s inviting Jackie too and all the blood drained out of Andrea’s face. Andrea immediately asks how long this trip will be and mumbles under her breath and eye rolls that she’ll have to get nannies and what not.  It appears that Andrea is not too keen on Jackie joining the gang for the weekend getaway.  
 

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