On this week’s episode of The Real Housewives of Melbourne, Chyka Keebaugh has invited all the ladies to a much-needed beach getaway. Jackie Gillies and Lydia Schiavello kick things off with a shopping spree to stock up on zebra-patterned caftans from a nearby caftan specialty boutique (these exist). Lydia models a modest Grecian dress and a Jackie steps out in a teeny, tiny leopard-print mini spandex dress and aptly pokes fun at herself by saying she looks like “a stick with big tits”. Ha! Meanwhile, Lydia can only muster, “Oh Wow” (remember, she is just sooooo articulate) the entire time they shop.
Andrea Moss finishes up her packing, ensures her nanny has the 735-point checklist and off they go to airport where the group will be taking private helicopters to Queensland for their vacay. Surprise, surprise Gina Liano is late. Again. Janet Roach is about to cut a b*#%h if Gina doesn’t arrive in like 5 seconds. Gina rolls up (how many colbalt blue dresses can one have in their wardrobe anyway??!!) and is hoping everyone is chill for the trip.
Opening today’s episode of The Real Housewives of Melbourne is Lydia Schiavello in class at her Interior Design School in Melbourne. I’m already excited because I’ve realized over these past few weeks that Lydia’s footage is priceless. I can’t help but think that she could be the least intelligent of ALL the Housewives franchises, trying to pawn herself off as smart and sophisticated. It’s pure joy at this point listening to the idiotic things that pour out of her mouth. Even Alexis Bellino knew she wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed.
It’s already terrible as Lydia basically tells the professor how do his job, how he actually admires HER, how “cute” her little classmates are and how she goes on a completely other route than what the assignments are because, well, she can. She states her design is classical, contemporary, eclectic and timeless. What the?? Those four words in one design statement are all over the friggin’ place. I’m starting feel as if she just spews out words and doesn’t even know what they mean. You know, if they are big words then I’m getting Lydia feels she sounds intelligent. This is hilarious watching her struggle to appear like she knows what the heck is going on.
This week’s episode of The Real Housewives of Melbourne kicks off with Chyka Keebaugh and her husband Bruce getting away for romantic date night out and it’s adorable how in love they are after 25 years of marriage. These two are best friends and I can’t get enough of their authentic relationship. Chyka briefs Bruce about Jackie Gillies and her husband Ben’s alcohol line idea and he graciously notes how tough the business is but wishes them the best of luck (Chyka and Bruce are a class act!). Following dinner, Bruce surprises Chyka with a rented out carnival park so they can enjoy the rides like they did back in the day. Again, I love Bruce.
Next we find Janet Roach visiting her jeweler to pick up her melted down old engagement rings into one ginormous ring. Here’s the thing with her bling that confuses me a bit- it looks like an engagement ring. I thought her goal was to get this ring that signified her life of independence and a new start. I just didn’t think getting a replica engagement ring was her angle. It strikes me as odd.
The big weekend has arrived for Jackie Gillies and Andrea Moss to ski at Lydia Schiavello’s home in Thredbo. Jackie and Andrea are loading up their luggage with fur scarfs (that have pockets – genius!) and non-quail feather-stuffed jackets. Andrea’s husband is stoked to nosh on pizza, chips and any other crappy food that he can get his hands on while she is away. After a long ride, Lydia welcomes them to her home that she just spent time redecorating. Mind you the house has no paint on the walls and she put up a collage of white picture frames with family photos in it. Just a reminder that she is in school for interior design and the place looks like she threw together some pieces from IKEA.
We’re three episodes in on The Real Housewives of Melbourne and it’s Botox Time! Janet Roach and Jackie Gillies visit Andrea Moss’s skin spa for a touch-up on Botox. However, while Andrea is far too young for it, Janet’s bringing her along to see what the whole procedure is actually like. Andrea’s husband, the plastic surgeon, injects her and Jackie can’t believe how painful it looks. For Janet, this is as usual as getting her eyebrows waxed. Jackie is chirping in the background about how great her body is and with her European skin that she doesn’t feel like she’ll ever need it. They rehash Jackie’s convo with Gina and Jackie decides to be the bigger person and invite Gina Liano to her housewarming party.
Lydia Schiavello and Andrea shop for a housewarming gift for Jackie’s party. Lydia invites Andrea to her ski home for a chance to get away and Andrea admits she’s never been away from her family for a night. Really? With the 5 rotating nannies and all? Never? I’m having a hard time believing this. Lydia mentions that she’s inviting Jackie too and all the blood drained out of Andrea’s face. Andrea immediately asks how long this trip will be and mumbles under her breath and eye rolls that she’ll have to get nannies and what not. It appears that Andrea is not too keen on Jackie joining the gang for the weekend getaway.
The second episode of The Real Housewives of Melbourne kicks off with Lydia Schiavello shopping with her Stepson, Sam at a high-end designer boutique, Christines. Man, does she know how to shop. She buys whatever she wants and that includes a trench coat made out of pantyhose (I sound like my grandmother). Then, she weirdly tries it on and walks out of the dressing room in a black lace bra wearing said pantyhose-material trench and asks Sam what he thinks. Gross. He’s your stepson.
Speaking of shopping, Gina Liano is at Versace for some new dresses, bags and shoes to bring abroad to spend time with her long-distance boyfriend. He’s flying her out to to be with after she shared with him what JackieGillies, the psychic, revealed at the ladies’ dinner a few nights prior. He completely denied any cheating (hence the plane ticket. Um, OK. Can you say someone is busted and feeling guilty??) and of course Gina believes him without a doubt (mind you, he has been abroad for SIX months, so why would he cheat…)
First up is Lydia – she is married to an famous architect, Andrew. They visit their “snow house” (aka second home in the mountains) every weekend via private jet. She has 3 children and 3 stepchildren and they all get along really well. She is studying interior design – so far so normal! Oh, wait. She tells us she wears the pants at home and Andrew wears the pants at work but when Andrew’s home she prefers to be in his pants. No – ugh. It looks like Lydia will be the housewife that can’t stop talking about banging her husband (a la early days of Alex and Simon – GROSS). Lydia also loves to spend money. Just last weekend when she was on ski trip with Andrew she had to have to TRUCK deliver her mounds and mounds of shopping bags. I have a feeling Lydia is all about money all the time and creepy sex-talk. Eew.
Bravo promises: “Whether they are business women soaking up the single life or married to the most established men in the city, these Australian bombshells will show no shortage of extravagance and high end drama. From glamorous cocktail parties to weekend getaways at exclusive resorts, sparks are sure to fly and the friendships and relationships are put to the ultimate test.” Meet the cast of Real Housewives of Melbourne and see a preview clip below.