On an all new episode of Don’t Be Tardy, it’s that time of year again – Spring Break! For the Biermanns that means packing up the Louis Vuitton luggage and hopping in an RV and heading for Florida. I never thought I’d write Louis Vuitton and RV in the same sentence, there’s a first time for everything.
Finally, Kim Zolciak is not pregnant this year for the trip and she’s looking forward to refreshing her Botox and going commando because they’ve rented a home with a private beach in Destin FL.
As they are packing clothes for the twins, Kim can’t wait to get them sunburn (Vitamin D is incredibly healthy, speaks the woman with the tanning bed in her basement) and she happens to notice that the twins need Louis Vuitton luggage to match everyone else.
As they are rattling off the list of people accompanying the Biermann family on this vacation, Kroy states that the mode of transportation will be RV. What does RV stand for, you say? Don’t ask Kim, she has no idea.
Kim then decides to do a domestic luggage inventory in her closet and realizes that yes, spending thousands of dollars on luggage for 3-month old twins makes total sense. Complete and total sense – it’s tradition dammit.
I finally figured what Sonja Morgan and Aviva Drescher like about each other – they’re both totally and utterly delusional! And they reinforce each other’s delusions. Seriously – was there a psychiatrist waiting in the wings of the Real Housewives of New York reunion?
Kristen Taekman got new boobs. As an anniversary present. Is this like a thing now – getting new boobs for the reunion? Ladies – the suddenly ballooning mummeries does not distract us from the drama.
Of course, almost immediately Kristen and Aviva are at each other’s throats over all of their arguments this season; specifically the time Aviva told Kristen to “Shut the f–k up” in front of their kids. Aviva does not apologize. At all. In fact she denounces Kristen as a “rookie” (I see someone has been rehearsing their insults in the mirror again!) and dismisses the whole things perfectly fine and normal. I mean kids hear the f-word. No biggie. I mean it’s just a word.
Can it get any worse? Last night’s episode of Dance Moms certainly proved that it could. Abby Lee Miller was quite the whirlwind of negativity with her new competition team while the original moms–and dancers–dealt with the consequences. Not surprisingly, Christi has nicknames for the new mothers, including Christ-y (for the Jesus loving mom with a penchant for pot stirring and physical violence), Purple Haired Dud and Count Stalkula. I won’t remember those, but kudos to crazy Christi for her creativity. Abby opens with the pyramid (glad that some things never change), as Abby touts Maddie for leading the newbies to victory. Sadly for Abby, she hates the new moms as much as she can’t stand the veterans.
Christ-y, I mean Christy, isn’t happy to be one of Abby’s customers because Abby hasn’t yet heard the saying that the customer is always right. Abby needs the new team to serve as replacements for when her original stars have auditions in Los Angeles and New Work and Farmville. Maddie admits that she likes the new team, but she’d rather be with her friends. Before revealing the pyramid, Abby bad mouths Kira for pulling Kalani from the team so she could go be with her boyfriend. I guess that’s Lifetime speak for she’s no longer needed for a story line.
In last night’s Game of Crowns, the ladies compete in the Ms. New England States pageant. Lynne Diamante plans her fifteenth wedding. Susanna Paliotta’s jumpsuit stylist gets caught in a hornets’ nest. And Vanassa Sebastian, like the mighty eye of Sauron, gathers her army of orcs and seeks one crown to rule them all! Bwahahahaha.
We begin 5 days before the Ms. New England States pageant, a charity event in which Lori-Ann Marchese, Leha Guilmette, Lynne, and Susanna will all compete. Susanna shops for a new gown in one of the tackiest shops I’ve ever seen. Her stylist Anthony helps her choose a dress that will “speak for her.” Susanna’s eldest daughter Victoria meets her at the shop and we learn that she survived a facial injury her senior year that resulted from a teen bullying incident. Victoria entered pageants after reconstructive surgery to rebuild her confidence. Good for her. Hope she stops competing before the world of Mrs. Pageants transform her into a steaming pile of poo like her mom and company.
Things begin with Tamra Barney telling Vicki Gunvalson about Ryan’s surprise engagement. Vicki understands given that Briana surprised eloped last season. If your children are always hiding something from you that’s probably a sign that they think you’re crazy.
However, quickly talk turns to TheShannon BeadorDilemna. Vicki is straight to the point with Tamra that she started causing all this drama and now is stepping back like ‘Don’t look at me! I didn’t do it!’ – and that Heather Dubrow is also being an instigator. Vicki thinks Heather needs to be knocked down a a notch or two to understand empathy. I am loving this equanimous Vicki. More of this please! Less of that rat’s nest on her head that she calls hair, however!
Admittedly, I can’t keep up with all the story lines on Love & Hip Hop: Atlanta. Some are definitely more juicy than others, so sometimes we’re left with a show that mixes in all the second and third tier drama…and that’s what we got last night! Mimi Faust’s father passed away, and she’s upset that she can’t grieve properly because she is too busy defending her actions to everyone. She reveals that Stevie J. sent her a text message saying “Karma is a bitch” which she received the day her father died. He is certainly a classy character.
Yung Joc and Karlie Redd are back in the studio, and back in the studio now that Karlie has gotten over Joc’s recent cheating. I’m not sure if she’s actually over it though since she continues to grill him about his actions. Whatever happened to having nothing to do with a serial cheater? Karlie feels supported by Joc since he’s pushing her career forward, and she can’t be bothered worrying about his Teletubby fling.
In this week’s Game of Crowns, we revisit the fallout of Nick’s rampage at the Mrs. America pageant. Susanna Paliotta’s daughter shows us how to “LOL.” And there’s a lot of tea and bagels showing up. It’s sort of a snooze-fest, but it’s all in preparation for the upcoming Mrs. New England States pageant, which is right around the corner.
We begin at Shelley Carbone’s CT home where she is in the kitchen talking to her 3 kids and setting a good example for her children by…feeding them. And the dog. She reminds the kids that they need to finish up their homework so they can all head to Lynne Diamante’s tea party later.
Don’t Be Tardy opens with Kroy Biermann giving precious Kaia a bath in the kitchen yet again this week. Can I just say that these scenes bathing the two cutie pies are just the best?! I can’t handle the cuteness. He’s teaming up with Kim Zolciak and doing the old fashion way of being parents – by just being parents. She’s making bottles and he’s bathing babies. Teamwork at its finest and I love it (And Kroy baby-talking to Kai??? Adorable!). Ok, enough with the collective “Ohhhhs” in the back round….moving on!
Sweetie is talking to Kim about how she would love to have 6 babies but her “hooha” hasn’t been with as many dudes and she wants to make sure her “hooha” can handle that. Kim then reassures Sweetie that she can just get her vag rejuvenated (through what else – surgery!) you know, in case your p***y hangs like sliced prosciutto. Stop. I have to stop. I can handle lots of language and Kim can drop the f-bombs all night long – but for some reason I squirm in my seat whenever I hear p***y from anyone’s mouth. And it’s said a few more times in this episode. Just please keep it to “hooha” or ZIP IT.