Well it's the day before Christmas, commonly known as Christmas Eve, and all anyone on the island of Anguilla wants is for Kenya Moore to get some help – and go home! Going on vacation with crazy people is one of those unfortunate drawbacks of being on Real Housewives of Atlanta, I s'pose.
Things begin with Kenya storming away after her massive argument with Porsha Stewart. Alas, no one could agree on who is the real tramp so they both stood up and started bickering about who is more fabulous. Answer: None of the above.
NeNe Leakes is cackling so loud that her evil plan to expose the real Kenya worked that I thought lightening would descend from the sky. Far more generously, Cynthia Bailey admits that a lot of the stuff Porsha said about Kenya's age would have made her flip out too.
NeNe is pleased as punch that there goes Kenya letting her crazy sprinkle out and finally explode all over the place. But Kenya has another surprising ally in Phaedra Parks. Phaedra admits that Kenya's ghetto behavior was out of line, but she likes Kenya and thinks she just lacks appropriate communication skills. Poor Kandi Burruss was in the hot tub and missed the whole thing. #priorities #kandikoatednights
Fast forward to Mike and Reza's business lattes, Reza self-righteously says, "That's crazy. Who does that in an office atmosphere?" Reza, honey… you do. Reza says he's done with MJ because she called him fat and sided with GG. He sounds like a child.
Lilly introduces us to her sister Yassamin. I have to say, Yassamin is smoking hot. And she's naturally gorgeous. I imagine Lilly is too… but it's hard to tell under 100 pounds of makeup, hair, and boobs. Lilly could benefit from a serious make-under. Lilly repeatedly mentions that she's the younger sister because most people incorrectly guess her to be the older sister.
Lilly, Coconut, and Yassamin go for a walk. While Coconut spins, Lilly asks her sister to join her at the group's next party. Yassamin doesn't understand why Lilly would want to hang out with these people…specifically with MJ and Omid, who have offended Lilly in the past. Clearly, Yassamin doesn't know how reality TV works. To us, Lilly voices her concern about seeing Omid since he threatened to back hand her the last time she saw him. She says, "I'm a little worried that he may throw another line like that at me, and my sister, being my older sister is going to get defensive. My sister is a f-ing tiger."
Last night was a Sister Wives' road trip from hell. I got totally stressed out just watching it. Kody Brown's behavior rivaled that of his youngest children, and we learned that Meri Brown and Robyn Sullivan-Brown's great-great-(and great) grandfathers were both hanging out in Nauvoo, Illinois at the same time. Perhaps that's why they have such a connection? Christine Brown fancied herself a Chris Brown with her impromptu stand-up routines during the sofa interviews, and I think that Janelle Brown said maybe three words. She was probably still traumatized from the road trip.
The episode begins as the family is celebrating Logan's birthday. Kody announces that everyone is going to file into two RVs for a road trip to Nauvoo, Illinois which is where the Church of Latter Day Saints gained popularity. While the Browns aren't a part of that denomination, they are looking forward to learning more about their Mormon forefathers. Needless to say, the teenagers aren't super thrilled at the idea of driving three days to Illinois to learn their church history, while the younger kids just hear "RVs."
Hunter and Logan manage to get out of the pilgrimage thanks to prior plans and football camp. The teen girls are beyond jealous of their brothers' good fortune. Logan and Hunter aren't even pretending they're upset to missing this debacle. Christine and Robyn will be staying in hotels while the other ladies will be bunking in the RVs.
On last night's finale of Real Housewives of Miami things were peaceable, nice, and sweet. I kinda expected the reunion to be filmed sans moderator in Vicki Gunvalson's backyard circa S1 of RHOC, aka before these shows descended into non-stop fighting, backstabbing, and made-for-TV personal problems.
Nope, last night's episode featured real, honest-to-goodness drama, and sweetness. I guess after a season of crazy why not end on a high note?
Things begin with the girls still in Bimini. Apparently the bad weather has stranded them and trying to turn lemons into lemonade an energetic Marysol Patton suggests a "Healing Water" ceremony involving flowers and Pucci worn with aquashoes. Marysol explains that her mother believes making a wish and throwing flowers over your head into water can cleanse negative energy and help us find closure and peace.
Lea Black had been passing the time talking to all her friends in jail and so she's game. I mean who wants to hear some wealthy con complain about the frozen peas and lukewarm gravy in the minimum security prison when you could be on vacation right? Adriana de Moura laughs that while alone in their cells at night they're all fantasizing about Lea and Lea didn't seem to find that image appetizing.
So, earlier last night we watched the end of an overly tanned, liquor-infused, fist-pumping era. I'll admit, while Paula's cake to Mike was ridiculously disgusting and disturbing, I giggled a bit…and for that, I'm ashamed. Even if the house thought it was funny, it wasn't okay. At all. Now, it's time for the Jersey Shore reunion.
The roommates all assembled for a live broadcast. Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi has already given birth to Lorenzo. Likewise,Vinny Guadagnino, DJ Pauly D Delvecchio, Jenni "JWoww" Farley, Ronnie Ortiz-Magro, Sammi "Sweetheart" Giancola, Deena Cortese, andMike "The Situation" Sorrentino. I, for one, take a small amount of pride in the fact that I can spell all of their names from memory. I'm a horrible speller. Who is this girl hosting the reunion? She touts the group's popularity over six seasons. They have certainly changed a lot since bringing their zebra print luggage to Seaside Heights…and I don't just mean the botox. It's nice to have a reunion with this crew where everyone is getting along. I didn't want it to be like the Italy reunion. Yikes.
We revisit seasons past: t-shirt time, Snooki's initial entrance into the house, and Vinny's faux hawk. The gang jokes about how their random sayings work their way into the conversations of us regular folks before showing a highlight reel of many roommate fights. While they are all about throwing punches and pulling hair, they can laugh it off knowing they were quick to forgive once everyone got sober. For once, Snooki's hair is more orange than her skin. Cue a duck phone montage. Everyone jokes about Mike's final beat down of the poor mallard.
I'm not going to lie, but I've got some tissue on hand for the series finale of Jersey Shore. I always get super teary when shows end…Zack and Kelly's wedding, the final Family Ties, Who's the Boss, and don't even get me started on Friends! However, I can honestly say I've never gotten sad about the end of a reality show. Hopefully, that's the norm. I don't remember getting upset saying good-bye to any of the Real World casts (more like good riddance!), and I barely noticed when my fave Rosie Pope didn't get renewed. However, for some odd and unknown reason, these orange meatballs and gorilla juiceheads are different.
After being accosted by a friend to give the show a chance, I was appalled. Who wears slippers out in public and thinks it's funny to show their Britneys while on the dance floor? What idiots tan every day and use enough hairspray that we may have cause to sue them for global warming? Sadly, I was quickly won over by Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi, Jenni "JWoww" Farley, Vinny Guadagnino, DJ Pauly D Delvecchio, Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino, Deena Cortese, Ronnie Ortiz-Magro, and Sammi "Sweetheart" Giancola. Yes, their antics showed no inkling of decorum or maturity, and yes, I was (and still am) grossed out by many of their actions, but in a world of reality television show where cast mates hate one another, it was beyond refreshing to see this group grow into a legitimate family. I have no doubt that the majority of them will still be pranking each other in the assisted living facility. Hanging out for a day with Vinny and Pauly is on my bucket list. Instead of VPL being code for visible panty line, it would be Vinny/Pauly/Lauren. I digress (what else is new?). On to the recap…I'm wearing my favorite airbrushed tank top, my whitest pair of sneakers, and leopard print track pants. My hand is wrapped around some Ron-Ron juice (kidding, I don't want to die!), and I'm ready to wish these imbeciles well. Do you think it's a coincidence that their show ends the night before many doomsdayers think we're all goners?
The roommates have decided to throw a giant bonfire party on the beach. They plan to invite all of their family and friends to commemorate their final MTV summer together. Pauly and Vinny are in charge of getting wood. Erection jokes ensue. The wood won't fit in their vehicle, so Vinny is forced to wheel it home on the handcart while Pauly follows behind him in the SUV. Classic VP. A party rental place is delivering tables, chairs, and the like. I guess these people can finally afford a legitimate party. They even bring the grill to the beach. Pauly lights the bonfire. Oh yeah, fi-arh, yeah!
Padma Lakshmi introduces this week's guest judge to the eleven remaining contestants, season four winner Stephanie Izard. Stephanie is the only woman to ever win Top Chef.
Quickfire Challenge
The challenge: The chefs may cook whatever they like but every ingredient in the kitchen is wrapped in Reynolds Wrap (shameless product placement). The chefs blindly choose their ingredients. If they unwrap it, they must use it. Also, foil is the only cooking vessel that they are allowed to use.
Danyele McPherson – cannellini bean stew with bacon asiago cheese, and tomatillo. While Danyele was thrown off by the tomatillo, Stephanie thinks it improved the dish. Micah Fields – grilled lamb with tomato fennel panzanella. The lamb is rare. Stefan – hot smoked salmon with german potato salad served with champagne. John Tesar – beed egg drop soup with braised pineapple. Stephanie likes the pineapple and the beef combination.
Brooke – bacon roasted yams with bacon, onion, and apple salad. The raw onion nearly kills Padma. Josh Valentine – roasted chicken with potatoes, poblano, tomatillo, and carrots. Stephanie appreciates the small hint of heat. Kristen Kish – almond and chocolate sponge cake. Not only did Kristen mix the ingredients in a foil bowl but she also baked the cake in a foil pan. The texture of the cake is great. Kristen continues to impress me.
I'm just going to come out and say it – I am OVER Kyle Richards. Last night on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills she once again showed herself to be a sniveling, conniving, drama queen. Furthermore, it must be hard to be Faye Resnick. Always in the shadows, always a hanger-on, just waiting, waiting, waiting for fame to finally deem you worthy.
Last night Brandi Glanville realized she made a grave mistake, an egregious error as she attempted to take on a furious Adrienne Maloof. Brandi didn't realize what she was getting herself into. It reminded her of that time she entered the Jell-O wrestling competition in Vegas. After a few cocktails it seemed fun but all she got in the end was showing nipples and the attentions of a F-list actor named Eddie hoping to raise himself through the ranks from nobody to lesser nobody.
Anyway, Brandi is still at Mauricio's real estate convention thing and she's just gotten double-teamed by WWF Supervillians Hoof & Nasty. Maybe she deserved it. Adrienne storms out, pointing to the fans in her glittering purple caftan, vowing to return and warns Brandi that she'll out her as a druggie whore if she doesn't watch it.
