Last night’s episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey was a pleasant reminder of what this show used to be. You know, when people got along, had fun, and didn’t take every side-eye so seriously they were declaring it a nuclear state of emergency. I mean there was a time when the ladies of RHONJ didn’t spend countless episodes dissecting and cataloging every tabloid edition published in the last year to decipher just how much one said RHONJ hates another said RHONJ.
Oh, yes… that show once existed and I think last night proved it could exist again. Here is my two step plan to eradicating the petty, hateful, and mundane drama on this show: 1) take everyone out of Jersey and give them more to worry about than spray tanning and meatballs 2) Pay them only $1 per season until they agree to get along, act civilized, and go hang out at Chateau kvetching about Danielle Staub. See – not so hard, right?
So the whole gang embarked on a cross-country trek to Napa where the Blk.-meisters were to meet with Vivendi winery for a distribution deal. As Hurricane Irene is raging on the horizon, the packing commences. Everyone feigns concern about leaving their small children at home while they cavort around in the great wild west. Except for Caroline Manzo – she’s bringing her small children with her.
On last night’s Mob Wives Chicago, Leah organized the ladies to participate in a breast cancer walk in honor of her mother, and Renee’s daughter Giana went to visit her father in the clink…much to the chagrin of her disapproving mother.
Leah Disimone and Christina Scoleri go bead shopping…because that’s a thing. I must backtrack in my snarkiness. Leah wants to a breast cancer walk to honor her mother who was just diagnosed. She wants to make t-shirts for her team, and Christina has volunteered to have a get together where the women can decorate said shirts. Leah reveals that she is going to invite both Pia Rizza and Renee Fecarotta Russo to walk with her. Christina bristles as she has issues with both, but she is happy to hear that Leah is also going to include Nora Schweihs. She’s glad that Leah finally realizes that Nora isn’t as bad as all the other ladies want her to appear.
Did anyone else catch the clip of Britney Haynes sitting at the kitchen table eating Fruit Loops during the episode introduction? Willie might have been dead to her but she’s not above eating his fruit loops. HILARIOUS! Somebody please give that Big Brother editor an Emmy!
Even after two weeks of slop, Shane continues to be a beast at competitions, winning his second PoV. Shane takes himself off the block. Of course. There’s only one dumbass in Big Brother history who didn’t use the power of veto on himself. The lone member of Dan Gheesling‘s team, Danielle, goes on the block in Shane’s place. Either JoJo or Danielle will be evicted from the Big Brother house.
Last night on Project Runway the designers hit up Dylan’s Candy Bar in NYC to blow their wads on sugary-sweets. And sadly it wasn’t an all you can eat buffet following the shopping trip – nope, it was the unconventional materials challenge! Our designer friends were tasked with making an entire outfit made from candy in about six minutes!
Fire up your glue guns, put your sugar rush to use, and start… uhhh…weaving Twizzlers! The guest judge was Dylan Lauren, owner of Dylan’s Candy Bar and daughter of legendary polo shirt hawker designer Ralph Lauren. Why wasn’t he the guest judge? Oh, Michael Kors probably hates him or something.
Dylan’s critique went like this: ‘I like candy. This had candy on it. Where’s the candy? Oh, candy!’ Please get useful guest judges.
Since nobody cares about anything but the clothes, Reality Tea is providing you a snap-judgement photocap. C’mon you know that’s how you watch the show, too!
More of the same old, same old on Vh1′s Hollywood Exes. The only exception being Andrea Kelly‘s new man! She says the “ex to R. Kelly” pill is a usually a tough one to swallow. Will new guy Percy handle it well or run for the hills? Before we get to the interesting part of the episode, we start with Nicole Murphy‘s house hunting woes. She renovates her house, someone offers to buy it for a ridiculous amount of money, and she cashes in. Boohoo.
Nicole (ex to Eddie Murphy) meets with her assistant Sandra to firm up the moving timeline. She’s already stressed about the money fraud case, now she has to tackle moving. She says, “That’s a lot of house to pack up!” Are we supposed to believe she’s not hiring movers?
Jessica Canseco (ex to Jose Canseco), Mayte Garcia (ex to Prince), and Andrea are heading to a single’s mixer. Mark is their matchmaker. Jessica thinks he’s cute. Blah, not really – she must have had a few drinks on the way to the bar.
Tyler and Catelynn are hanging with two friends, Drew and Starr. Starr is an odd one, offering her “taco” and “hot sauce” to the dog. Tyler lets them know Butch had to leave the trailer park. The park had the audacity to accuse him of drinking beer. Butch was like, “Oh, no! I will not have them saying I drink beer. I told them, my drug of choice is cocaine.” It’s quite shocking, actually, that they didn’t make an exception on the spot. Hell, they should have made him trailer park monitor with those credentials. So, Butch is on the loose in Detroit, and Tyler and Catelynn have been relieved of their babysitting duties. Tyler is just hoping for the best for his Pop at this point. This is the closest Butch has come to not being on parole in twenty years.
They’re ba-ack! After Jill and Kendall studio hop from the Candy Apples, they head right back to Abby Lee Miller. This should be good! It’s just another dramatic night in the lives of the Dance Moms.
Holly is late for the pyramid reveal. Abby isn’t happy about that, but she’s happy the girls did so well at their last competition. Before Abby starts peeling off copy paper from the girls’ glossy pics, Jill swoops in begging for Kendall to have spot back with the troupe. Maddie seems giddy. It’s clear, once again, that the girls adore one another while leaving the cattiness, jealousy, and competitiveness for their crazy moms. Abby won’t hear any of it at the moment. I am getting a very scripted vibe, and I’m disappointed that Lifetime is fancying itself a less slutty version of VH1. Jill brings in Kendall with her own 8×10 glamour shot to add to the pyramid. Abby pretends to be floored. She reminds the girls who are hugging Kendall that if they want to be friends with her they should invite her over for a good old fashioned sleepover.
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Things begin with Ramona hosting a post-London debriefing. She expects everyone will arrive and complain about the horror that is Heather Thomson. Pinot is pleasantly surprised to learn that instead everyone now hates LuAnn. Particularly Carole who is bristly over the fact that LuAnn tried to compare their books. No one even bought that horrible book Ramona reminds them.
Sonja Morgan is still bent out of shape that LuAnn is tall and enters the room first. Really? Is Height Gate going to become a thing?
Aviva Drescher arrives and shares that Ramona – and now Sonja are invited to Miami. And in a fun bravo manufactured coincidence Carole will also be there because some designer friend of her’s has an event or something. As a fun treat, Aviva reveals she has a geriatric gentleman just perfect for Sonja and as an added benefit he’s a viagra sex addict! ‘Oh, whooo is this charming man,’ Sonja purrs. ‘My father!’ Aviva announces. Oh that’s delightfully UN-awkward.