I have to say I'm excited for Real Housewives of New York. It's been awhile, there's new blood, and interesting shakeups. I reserve the right to hate to my little hater heart's content as the season progresses.
Speaking of new blood: meet Kristen Taekman. Kristen loves Elvis, hates being a mother, possibly hates her husband, is justifiably afraid of Ramonja and is prettttttteeeeeeey! She also seems sort of sensible, straight-shooting, and refreshingly sarcastic. So far I like her and I'm trying not to judge her by the company she keeps (ahem – Brandi Glanville!). I reserve the right to hate to my little hater heart's content as the season progresses.
So let's get on with it. First on the agenda: everybody hates Aviva Drescher. I mean, duh. Apparently Meviva's 6,500 meltdowns last season, coupled with her extreme arrogance and her perverted father (who is probably illegal in at least 40 states) won her more enemies than friends. And no one is even bothering to be her frienemy but Heather Thomson.
Heather is throwing a party to show-off her relevance (i.e. that she used to be a big wig at Bad Boy Industries. Holla!) and all the girls will be there which means it's the first time they're coming face-to-face with Aviva since the reunion. Carole Radziwill gnashes her teeth at the thought.
There's been so much nastiness from Abby Lee Miller on this season (the longest ever it seems!) of Dance Moms, I guess Lifetime wanted to bring back Kathy and the Candy Apples for some unrelated drama.
The episode begins with Abby revealing that she would be bringing in a new girl named Fallon who shined at one of her open auditions. Fallon and mom Cheryl arrive as Abby corrals all of the dancers and moms for the pyramid. Abby does introductions, and Cheryl's face looks like it can't move. The moms look defeated as usual, and Abby laments how difficult it is to build an entire new team. Kalani is out because mother Kira didn't abide by Abby's rules, which apparently is never say that your daughter can beat Maddie.
Seriously what was happening last night on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills? Did the producers slip some hallucinogens in Yolanda Foster's virgin vodka soda with a twist of lemon? Or maybe she was just experiencing a "Lyme brain" flare-up?
We're all at the Centennial party for the Beverly Hills Chamber of Commerce's most embarrassing day. Kyle Richardswas MOTOBOATING people. I mean, really…? I am quite sure the acting president was forced to resign after this party!
Also, this was the worst collection of finale dresses I've seen in seasons and seasons. Did Kyle"Motoboating" Richards look in a mirror because that was the most unflattering slumpy thing I've ever seen her wear! And Joyce Giraud needs to teach this Splits to pageant walk.
Holy crap! Charleston is totally going to RavenHell in a hand basket courtesy of Bravo. So, since last week, pretty much all anyone in this town is talking about is how horrible (and somewhat addictive) Southern Charm is. Well, played Andy Cohen. You are a true evil genius. My Facebook newsfeed was filled with friends who were posting pictures of themselves with these yahoos, and I couldn't tell if they are star struck or legitimate friends with the cast of this show. Is one of those scenarios better than the other?
Thomas Ravenel calls his father to talk about a chance meeting with Governor Nikki Haley at a Yankee fundraiser and implore him to start procreating to ensure the family's future. T-Rav reminds us that his dirty political consultant Will Folks wants him to pick the pedigreed Kathryn Dennis for a bride and child bearer (spoiler alert…she is about to have his child in "real time"), but at thirty years his junior (if you go by his birth certificate and not his Bravo bio), T-Rav is concerned that she may be too immature for him. Well, she did graduate from high school in 2009, but some snooping reveals that their burgeoning relationship is totally Facebook official. The pair even thanks "Sic Willie" for his matchmaking skills on T-Rav's page. Gag. That's a relief. T-Rav is traveling to Edisto to give a polo lesson to Shep's ex-girlfriend Danni, and he's great at skeeving me out by molesting her with his eyes and talking about how comfortable she looks in the saddle.
By that I mean, is she an evil genius or straight-up crazy? Kenya has orchestrated shade so elaborate it's like a 7-layer taco dip with extra cheese. It's deep and flavorful and frankly scary in its articulate complexity (Kenya IS Top Chef!). And there is no nacho chip to be left unturned.
Kenya has so many targets it's difficult to know if there's a safe-zone, but good lord is it crafty and thrilling to watch. If she is working at this alone, then I bow down to her as the true maestro of all Housewives. And if she's just full-scale nutty then NeNeLeakes better contact the authorities!
Liz and Taylor are shocked. "That's part of my repertoire," announces Taylor. Lovely. "I'm an expert," says Liz who decimated Jon in an earlier episode for "beating off". Hypocrite much?
The next day Liz and Jon have a little gift for Kelsey – it's her very first vibrator! Surprisingly it did not come fromFarrah Abraham's line of sex toys. She wasn't passing out goody bags?! Oh but wait – she was forced to make those vaj-molds and videotape herself doing it! Cause we all want a keek of Farrah's crotchal region covered in plaster! I don't know what's a grosser vibrator association: Jon or Farrah.
Moving on, Taylor is struggling with parenting. "I don't parent," she slurs at the camera before course correcting to explain she doesn't set boundaries. #FreudianSlip Kennedy comes to the house the next day for some quality time with this woman who people say is her mom. Taylor greets Kennedy with villainous laugh that lasts about 5 minutes. In return, Kennedy shoots Taylor dirty looks that could melt a lip-plant.
Yesterday on Teen Mom 2 there was wedding drama, bad hair, baby daddy drama, and Jenelle Evans continued to be delusional. You know, same old!
Kailyn Lowry is having wedding drama and is a complete bridezilla. She's also a wifezilla, a babydaddyzilla and probably any other kind of 'zilla you can think of. Combining 'zilla tendencies with Snuffy moping nonsense makes Kail unbearable. Stay off my TV until you've had this baby because you are an emotional wreck, Kailzilla!
Kail has like 9 bridesmaids – one for each month she's pregnant! – including Javi's sister and his sister's friend. Unfortunately since Javi's family probably doesn't like Kail, Javi's sister and friend aren't super motivated to participate in wedding planning. Why would you have your husband's sister's FRIEND in your bridal party? Weird. Kail claims they don't want to spend any money on wedding stuff and they don't want to do super-fun stuff like sit in someone's kitchen to test hairstyles while Kail Snuffys along.
How much longer is this show going to be on? I remember that the last season of Dance Moms seemed to go on forever, but I honestly don't know how much more I can take of Abby Lee Miller. Last night, she gave Chloe a bit of a reprieve while she focused most of her ugliness on poor Kendall. These girls are not okay with this abuse. Sure, there are a few scenes here and there that make me think parts of the episode are totally scripted, but Kendall's tears were real. The defeat in Chloe's eyes was real. The look on Nia's face that made it quite clear she couldn't stand her dance teacher (loved it!)…that was real.
Before the pyramid, Holly invites Abby and the other mother's to come to her book-signing party for her affirmations. Abby reminds Nia that dance should come first and insinuates she should get credit for ideas behind the book. Abby wonders if her affirmation "silence is golden" will apply when Holly learns that Nia is at the bottom of the pyramid. That's the face I'm talking about, Miss Nia! Kendall follows, and while Abby couldn't find anything wrong with Kendall's performance she wants to punish her for her mother questioning why she wasn't featured in the group dance. Maddie is third from the bottom because she wasn't at the competition, but Abby is still proud of the job she was doing in L.A. Am I wrong or does Abby usually put other dancers who are absent in the last spot? Chloe is in the third spot, and Christi can't believe that Abby gives her daughter even the smallest amount of praise. MacKenzie is second with Kalani topping the pyramid.