Remember that Lindsay Lohan movie "Freaky Friday" where the mom became the kid and the kid suddenly morphed into the mom role after they were both struck by lightening or something? Yeah – that was last night's episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey!
As the adults continued to behave childishly and bicker pettily over everything imaginable, the kids were able to give them a little lesson in communication, letting bygones be bygones, and focusing on the positive!
Before we get to all that, things begin with the cast recovering from the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy. While none of them lost their primary homes, Teresa Giudice and Melissa Gorga both had their shore homes damaged. "My house… what happened??" they both wail – as a flood of last summer's empty bronzing bottles and sequined bikinis wash over their feet. 'All my marble deck furniture like suuuunk! Waaaah… and what about my rhinestone encrusted jet ski Joeeew' Ok – so the editors cut that out, but you KNOW that's what really happened!
WHY?!? The reunion does not need Lucy's input. In my opinion, Mariah's mother has NO place at the reunion, especially considering the husbands are not even there. Nevertheless, Lucy makes an appearance, and she is just as annoying as I feared.
Right out of the gate, Lucy plays the victim, crying about how bad Toya hurt her family. "Friends do not do that," she says. "There's no excuse for it." So, Andy points out, Lucy said she was happy that "Mariah beat Toya" and she, too, smacked Toya in the head with her purse. Lucy is like, I AM happy that Mariah beat her, and she's lucky I didn't attack her too. I'm confused. So, beating on your friends is perfectly acceptable, then?
Things begin with a sullen Brielle watching KJ. Brielle decides to entertain him by putting him to work sweatshop labor style as her manicurist. Sadly, KJ's fine motor skills haven't totally refined yet and he gets nail polish all over his face. Hey toddler – go play with some toxic chemicals! Babysitting By Bravo.
Brielle is grounded from her cell phone, TV, and computer since her grades were bad. And unfortunately it's report card day and Brielle has failed math and science. She has a 90% in Spanish though which is good since Kim has hired Spanish-speaking nannies and the only thing Kim knows how to say is Tequila and Taco.
Things begin with Heather Dubrow strolling into Tamra Barney's hovel, running her finger over a dusty faux finished surface and chirping "This is… nice!" Afterwards she took several showers in Lysol and asked her assistant to burn all the Chanel that sat on the Pier One Imports clearance chairs. 'It was horrible,' she bemoaned to her therapist later that week… 'The napkins… they were POLYESTER!'
Anyway, Heather is there to discuss the Terry issue. See Terry … well, he just sucks but Heather guesses she'll forgive him. Something about seeing Tamra's little house in a subdivision, filled with sub-par finishings, and a pantry that only one person can fit in at a time made Heather see the light. Yes, yes… Terry may be annoying and corny, but good lord she's not on her third marriage to a third wealthy imposter. Looking on the bright side!
Jeff and Blair head to historic Savannah, Georgia for their ceremony, and the couple is hosting a red, white, and blue party. For patriotic Blair, the Fourth of July is almost as exciting as Christmas. Friends toast the happy couple, and uptight Jeff is trying to enjoy the evening while having a touching talk with Blair's mom.
Tina and Tarz head to the gynecologist to talk about fertility. Tina is disappointed that her doctor seems so young, and she is perplexed that the gynecologist isn't buying into her theories about how to up her chances for having a girl. The doctor is extremely intense, but I can't tell if she's joking when she tells Tina she's on the verge of being very old. She instructs the couple of the three times they should have sex each month. Only three? Tarz is disappointed.
Last night's Love & Hip Hop Atlanta was especially hilarious. While we weren't treated to nearly enough of Joseline Hernandez' one-liners, we did get to witness the most backwards and ridiculous job interview I've ever seen. K. Michelle proved yet again that she's not at all homophobic (cough, cough), and we got to meet Lil' Scrappy's amazingly normal dad. I wasn't expecting that at all!
Mimi Faust is meeting up with Stevie J. to talk about their daughter, but of course, he wants to know all about the Stevie knock-off she's dating. Why does Mimi act so suprised that he isn't able to have an adult conversation? Stevie gets offended that Mimi doesn't like their young daughter around the inappropriate Joseline, but it's nothing he can't get past with some smooth talk and a shot of liquor. What do these women see in him? He reminds her that beside their daughter, they also share a matching tattoo that will bind them together forever. Is he for real?
It turns out that Traci is friends with Shay, so the pair are lunching and chatting about the Lil' Scrappy and Erica Dixon situation. Shay wanted to pay back Scrappy for his behavior, but she's tempted to just be happy that he's happy. Traci agrees that the latter is the better route. She's spent so much time plotting and slashing tires and beating up girls in the course of her time with Drew, and she tells Shay it's better just to let time heal all wounds. Shay is not quite convinced, and I am officially scared of Traci.
The "fierce, fabulous, and fun-loving" Quad is Mariah's best friend. She's basically the queen bee in training and some call her Mariah's puppet. Mariah refers to Dr. Jackie as Dr. Gandhi, adding that she's always prim, proper, and lady-like. Dr. Simone's less than glowing review goes something like, she's always in your face with a vodka in her hand. How insulting. This is going to be a very long hour.