Last night on Real Housewives of Miami there were dueling psychics, dueling ladies in formal wear, and um… yeah just a lot of straight up unhappiness. If last week's episode was all the debauchery, hedonism, and human sacrifices of Ancient Rome, last night's episode was the aftermath of war.
It's the day of the annual Blacks Gala and everyone is quite positive no one's nipples will hang out, no one will be thrown into pool Dynasty style, and no one will be doing tequila shots or getting slapped in the face. Oh, no instead they'll be milling around in couture gowns and spending $14,000 bidding on an evening at the Playboy Mansion. The only thing Fembot Fakenstein's boobgerie slapfest has in common with the Black Gala is some of the attendees – and that includes Joe "Cameratime" Francis. Doesn't he have some checks to be writing to Steve Wynn? $40 Million of them to be exact.
In preparation for the gala, Lea Black is rushing around clutching a bright pink Birkin as if it's an extra appendage. A third arm that is merely a formality and is crap at the useful things like moving tables and directing quack psychics on how to turn glass into music and peace.
It's bittersweet recapping the Jersey Shore this week given the destruction of Seaside Heights at the wrath of Hurricane Sandy. I'm only hoping that for an hour we can all escape real life and enjoy the antics of these crazy adults. Or not. Vinny Guadagnino opens the show urging people to give to the Red Cross relief effort, as he should. Leave it to Vin to have me tearing up less than a minute into the show. I love that guy!
Last night's episode begins with Jenni "JWoww" Farley trying to salvage her relationship with Roger on the duck phone. She reminds him that they live together, but he turns around to remind her that she leaves to go film these shows every couple of months. He doesn't want to break-up with her, but Roger is so over the club scene. He's too old. That's progress. Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino shares his newly coupled worries with Jenni. He wonders if it's normal for girls to go buck wild once they become monogamous. Paula has, much to Mike's dismay. She talks about sex and being crazy…all the things that Sitch's virgin ears can't handle. Give me a break! Mike can't get over his new girlfriend's openness. When he, Ronnie Ortiz-Magro and Deena Cortese head to work at the Shore Store, Rawn jokes about having sexual escapades that lasted longer than Mike's fresh and new relationship. Deena, always the trooper, doesn't get upset when Danny makes her wear a prison jumpsuit at work. While she believes the joke is too soon (I totally concur), she goes along with it because that's what meatballs do. Mike tries to give his relationship the benefit of the doubt given that the pair has only been dating one day. He's such a gentleman. He calls Paula an 8.2 and wants to spoil her into a 10. Wow. Gag. This is why I don't heart Mike. Paula surprises Mike at the Shore Store, and both Deena and Ronnie think it's more that he can handle. She's too comfortable.
Last night's Flipping Out had Jeff Lewis and crew back to normal after the gorgeous wedding of Jenni Pulos. However, tension flares between Zoila Chavez and Gage Edward. It's a cat fight of epic proportions between Miss Piggy and Barbie Bitch! This looks like a job for Dr. Donna!
Jeff's cat Monkey has an eye infection and can't keep any food down, so he has Jenni make a vet appointment. Monkey is his first pet, and he's had him for twelve years. Jeff begins teasing Zoila about making an unintentional but inappropriate hand gesture when asking the security guard through the window if he wanted some water. Everyone but Jenni jumps on board and makes fun of her about it. Zoila gets upset, and Jenni scolds everyone for bullying. Jeff tells Zoila that she can dish it but can't take it. Looks like that therapy session didn't help as much as one could have hoped!
In the car, Jeff jokes with Vanina about her recent break-up, promising her she'll find love again. If Jenni can do it, anyone can! Jenni stays quiet, but when Jeff asks her what's wrong she brings up his awful wedding jokes. He talks about how is ADD was all over the place during speech after boring speech, and he didn't mean to hurt anyone's feelings. He admits to being rude, but only because he was subjected to so many horribly long toasts. Jenni reminds Jeff that Jonathan hasn't known him as long as she has, so he may be more sensitive to Jeff's humor. She gets some semblance of an apology, and all is well.
Last night's Basketball Wives LA was once again centered around Jackie Christie. We resume with Brooke Bailey's pool party where Gloria Govan, Laura Govan, and Draya Michele watch ol' Wacky change from heels into sneakers as if she's ready for a fight. Draya ignores Jackie's insanity, but she does offer her a cigar when she shares some smokes with the ladies. Jackie wonders if there are explosives in her cigar. Wait to let a sleeping dog lie, lady!
Bambi and Malaysia Pargo arrive, and Brooke immediately pulls Bambi aside to hash out their differences. They actually have a lot more in common than just that guy. Bambi appreciates Brooke for doing her best to be honest and squash the tension between the two. Brooke still isn't Bambi's biggest fan, but she wants to enjoy her party. In the spirit of apologies, Jackie approaches Draya in hopes they can find time to mend their relationship. All in all, the pool party is one boring snoozefest of a success, but at least no one was injured!
Laura meets up with Bambi at the park to see if they can't brush their issues under the rug as well. I am beginning to see a common theme emerging of "squashing beef," and I'm happy to see them "meeting up" at somewhere other than a boutique/coffee house/bar. Baby steps. Laura goes in for a hug but gets shafted by Bambi. Bambi goes in for a high five/fist bump but gets called out by Laura. They settle on shoulder rubbing. You just can't make up this stuff. Laura thinks Bambi is aggressive and Bambi thinks Laura is a bully. Bambi wants to know if it bothers Laura to look so fake, but Laura doesn't mind if her phoniness involves Jackie. Laura tries to explain that if Bambi knew the real Jackie she would realize why Laura is acting the way she is.
Last night on RuPaul's All Stars Drag Race the queens were still in dynamic duos and working on that suddenly appearing S in C-U-N-T-S. This time they had to stage a celebrity impersonation sketch comedy variety show. It was a laugh riot. Or not.
Before all that they were challenged to a little game called #inDaButtRu where they had to prove how well they knew their partners. Even down to the undies they wear out of drag! Rujubee wins and their prize: two creamy pies in the face.
For the main challenge it was RuPaul's Gaff-in Variety Show! Not only did they have to choose a celebrity to impersonate, they had do a comedy routine that played off their partners. I love this challenge and this is where the show really excels – however I didn't think anyone was that funny. Just me?
I love it when the queens have to really stretch and show off their comedic chops. Vicki Lawrence from Mama's House was the guest judge and she also starred in the comedy routines.
So last night was really something! Was this DYNASTY orReal Housewives of Miami? I mean a pool fight between queens? Angry ladies in negligees screaming? Champagne glasses being flung? Bitchslapping and accusations flying? Booze and bitching galore? I love it
And in the center of it all stood a series of blurred out nipples over surgically altered boobs. Just the casualties of a lingerie party, I suppose.
Joanna Krupa is a curious case, isn't she? She's pretty as an angel but she's like a Transformer. She appears like an apparition all soft blonde light and sparkling blue eyes, sweet pink pout and then BOOM! Her hair turns to razor blades that will slice you, her mouth is filled with fire, bullets flying from her nipples (all three of them!), and her eyes become like shards of glass. Joanna will cut a bitch. She will stalk her prey and maul them like a wild beast hungry for dinner. Maybe that's the problem – none of these ladies eat enough and the hunger drives them crazy.
DeAynni Hatley takes her role as the Big Rich Texas club social chair very seriously. Her latest idea is archery lessons. For good measure, she adds, "Welcome to Texas, Bitches."
Bonnie Blossman and Melissa Poe declare their love for archery and dish about Cindy Davis. Bonnie and Melissa do not understand why Leslie Birkland has become such good friends with Cindy. A few of the daughters, Alex, Shaye, and Maddie, also enjoy the archery lesson. Maddie asks Alex why her mom isn't there. Alex says Cindy is out to lunch with Leslie, adding that her mom wants her to be independent. Shaye pretty much says her mother smothers her. Melissa, Maddie's mom, is a nice middle.
Moving on to Leslie and Cindy's lunch date, Leslie welcomes Cindy to the crazy club. Talking about Cindy and Bonnie's blow up at the BBQ, Cindy thinks Bonnie only lost her cool because someone was talking to her husband. Leslie says that Bonnie once told her she keeps Jason at home as much as possible so no other women can hit on him. Leslie warns Cindy, "Bonnie is going to come after you again." Leslie's couch confessionals (well, her normal conversations, too) drive me nuts. There's something about her voice and scripted lines that irk me.
DeAynni hires a PR company to help her launch Texas Diva Remodeling and Construction. The first order of business… branded cocktails. Of course. The company suggests a logo and launch party, also. DeAynni says, "This Texas Diva launch party is going to be the event of the year." Is it just me or does she say that about every party she organizes?
Last night's Jersey Shore was a refreshing break from constant partying. I don't care who knows it, I love these kids. It would be a dream come true for me to spend some time hanging out with Pauly and Vinny. They are just too funny!
We begin asDeena Cortese is arrested for dancing in the streets. Sammi "Sweetheart" Giancola is crying that her friend is being taken away, but Ronnie Ortiz-Magro has been through this several times. She'll get a couple hours in the drunk tank, and then she'll be released. He believes that to honor their fallen meatball, they must keep drinking. Shots it is! Meanwhile, Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino, Vinny, Guadagnino and DJ Pauly D Delvecchio go tanning at the tanning salon where Paula works. The Situation has decided he's going to ask her to be his girlfriend. She deserves the title after all of the good sex and chocolate covered strawberries. After, they head to the sporting goods store to find some Sunday Funday activities. They buy out the store, including, but not limited to, a punching dummy, a fishing pole, and a stroller. Mike purchases the stroller for Snooki in hopes that it will help her to forgive him. Pauly knows she'll never accept the gift in a million years, but he thinks it's fun to watch. He's right.
Back at home, Ronnie and Sam tell Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi and Jenni "JWoww" Farley about Deena's predicament. Since they are both wasted and Jenni is on crutches, Snooki is enlisted to drive to the jail to bail out Deena. Snooki is proud of her fellow meatball, but I think she says it best when she says it's a pretty messed up world when she's considered the most responsible. Truer words have never been spoken. When they arrive at the jail, they are greeted by Deena's parents. Rookie mistake, according to Rawn. When you get arrested at the Shore, you call your roommates, not mom and dad. Once her parents pick her up, she is treated to quite the lecture.