Last night on Real Housewives of New York the ladies headed to the wild, wild west in Montana. Kristen Taekman organized the trip and like the over-eager rookie she is, she expected everyone to be jumping with glee at the prospect of spending a week at a dude ranch far, far away from any actual dudes. Now you know Sonja T. Morgan was going through withdrawal something terrible – something that even a pair of cotton granny panties couldn't cure.
Before the ladies left Aviva Drescherdecided she needed a little attention. Because you know – Meviva. Aviva had suddenly came down with a rampant case of asthma. She's allergic to horses, and hay, and long plane rides with women she does not like, and best-selling books, and being away from Saint Reid, savoir of upper east side princesses with daddy issues. Clearly Aviva is not allergic to asses – I mean she's able to be around George.
Last night on Ladies of London, the Fourth of July was celebrated and the fireworks were not in the sky!
Marissa Hermer is becoming a British citizen after five years of living in London. To celebrate her last summer as an official American, she's throwing a Fourth of July party – which is an annual tradition. Marissa gives us a long spiel about her party-planning/PR expertise and expects us to believe she's an integral part of her husband's success instead of some sort of glorified trophy wife struggling to make the perfect cuppa. Juliet Angus will be co-hosting with Marissa as part of the American invasion posse. Unfortunately Juliet is as much a flake as she is an attention-seeker so she's all about the fame, and not about planning.
Last night on Real Housewives of Orange County the dramas were as real as the friendships were fake. And Shannon Beador is about to learn a nasty lesson in Housewives betrayal – right on top of learning one about heartbreak. Why is this exactly the plot of a Lifetime Movie? Oh goody!
So, let's just break this down; either Tamra Barney's new doctor is injecting her with crazy-hormones (and by that I mean more crazy than usual hormones) or girlfriend is having a nervous breakdown. Of course, that still doesn't excuse her rancid personality and wretched two-faced-ness. Do personalities spoil like milk?
Tamra is still mad at Heather Dubrow for having a life beyond her or RHOC – and for daring to promote another gym on TV besides CUT Fitness. I mean that horrible hoochie-hussy – she is like single-handedly destroying Tamra's business. As if Tamra's behavior on RHOC isn't at allllll responsible for destroying her reputation.
I don't know why TLC and ABC didn't think to make last night's episode of Sister Wives as a crossover with Shark Tank. Can you imagine Daymond John or Mark Cuban reacting to Kody Brown's hair and Robyn's whining as they pitched My Sister Wives' Closet? Christine could model the jewelry wearing her finest medieval garb! What a missed opportunity!
The wives are working on a business plan because apparently showing up and just asking for money doesn't work with venture capitalists…they like presentations. It's crazy that rich people won't just give out money to tacky online jewelry boutiques!? Robyn and Kodi are rocking denim tuxedos and whining about goals and differences and hopes and dreams and teamwork. Meri complains, and Janelle is the only one with any sense of vision, organization, and focus. Shocking. Why is she still here? Run, Janelle, run! We'd all support you! Kody decides the family should take a day to figure out where to go from here, which is a great idea considering they have to pitch themselves and their business in twenty days. I love that the two people who claim to be the most invested in this company are the two biggest procrastinators in the Brown bunch.
After the second episode back on Keeping up with the Kardashians, I believe that it has become clear this show should be retitled Keeping up With Kris Jenner – with cameo appearances made by relatives and ex-husbands. The episode kicks off with the ever adorable Penelope and Mason Disick. Oh Ryan Seacrest you know how to lure us in!
Khloe Kardashian is on a mission to get Miss Penelope to say her name. Naturally she decides to use food as a bargaining chip. Not just any food; she’s using ice-cream and sprinkles! Unfortunately for Aunt Khloe, Penelope suffers from selective mutism and shows no interest in Ko-Ko’s tactics. Miss Penelope has better will power than I do, that’s for sure!
Last night on Kandi's Wedding it was all out mommy wars! Interestingly, it seems no one in Kandi Burruss' life likes each other. Her Matron of Honor, Tan, and her Maid of Honor, Carmon cannot stand each other, Mama Joyce hates everyone and her new target is Todd Tucker's mother Sharon.
Since everything in Kandi's life is topsy-turvy and it's clear she doesn't use her words to communicate with people, she and Todd visit their pastor for some pre-marital counseling. Todd seems to be taking it seriously, but Kandi initially starts out joking around. Eventually the subject of Joyce comes up and the pastor instructs the couple not to let negative influences destroy their happiness. "Communicate before you disintegrate!"
As Kandi continues to plan her wedding, Carmon and Tan meet with her to test cakes. With all the testiness in the room, Kandi could have been tasting ice cream cake. She ignores it by scarfing down alllll the cake samples and practically licking the plate. I think we call that emotional eating. Basically Carmon thinks Tan is an uptight square who is no fun and Tan thinks Carmon is a flaky boozehound. In the battle of Carmon vs. Tan, I'm team Carmon because who doesn't like fun?
The ladies are still in Saratoga where Sonja's drunken meltdown culminates with a half-hearted attempt to flee wearing a shirt that does not count as a dress and absconding LuAnn de Lesseps' limo driver. Unfortunately a coveting of wine momentarily distracts her and Sonja decides to enact her payback by dropping some wine farts before forgiving the other ladies and hitting up the club.
Last night onLadies of Londonthe famewhores separated from the literal ladies (as in titled ladies) and the cream rose to the top, while the rest skimmed through the tabloids.
It's the seasonal opening of the Serpentine Gallery which is compared to the Oscars, as in the British version of, but I think it's mostly similar to our MET Gala. You know the one Kim Kardashian attended wearing a sofa from 1985. Anyway, she hasn't besmirched the British equivalent yet, but give her time and also there are many in her stead. For instance, Caprice who wore a dress bedecked with sequined cockroaches.
Oh Caprice. Caprice has found herself in an intriguing predicament. She is currently 7 months pregnant, but since she believed she was incapable of carrying a child she hired a surrogate in the states – and that surrogate is 8 months pregnant! At the same time Caprice got pregnant naturally. So Caprice is pretty much having twins from different mothers. She is thrilled for a couple reasons: 1) the obvious delight of having two children 2) the obvious delight of being able to sell these stories to the press for top dollar.