It turns out that next Friday is the season finale of Love After Lockup, so we have one more week of this wretched awesomeness in our lives. After that, we’ll be forced to mope around until 90 Day Fiancé (all four versions of which have been renewed!!!) comes back to fill our snarky little hearts with K1 Visa love. And even though this debut season of LAL was a mere 7 episodes, it served up enough drama to last us an entire aggravated assault prison sentence (which is approximately 6-18 years, according to our fair felons).
This week, Andrea takes the Crazy Bananas Crown back as she berates her children for questioning her relationship with a convicted felon, who she drags them halfway across the country to meet, then forces/bribes them to call “papa.” Thus, it’s official: Andrea is a garbage person. Side note: All three of Andrea’s children are approximately 4 trillion times more mature, eloquent, and intelligent than their mother.The friends and relatives of the rest of the crew try to warn them about their equally doomed relationships, to absolutely no avail. Because that is mission f**king impossible with this crew. And just when we thought Scott was the most tragic figure of all, Alla steps in this week to bring the seriously sad story of relapse. Even perma-crazy eyed James figures out that all is not well in Alla-Land, which is saying something. Sigh. This show needs a hero! Or Dr. Phil. Until then, we’ll just recap the stankfest.
‘Money Can’t Buy You Class’ – that’s certainly the case with Erika Girardi and Dorit Kemsley. There are some Real Housewives friendships I relish and delight in, and there are others, like these two, that fill you with a certain disingenuous dread (think Gretchen and Tamra). On last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills, Dorit crossed one friend to try and secure another. And the worst part – despite copious warnings, she seemed oblivious! Like when the signs read: “Don’t swim! Shark invested waters” yet you you dive right in.
Actually the worst part is that after all the bickering between herself, Lisa Vanderpump, and Kyle Richards they all managed to have a rip-roaring, super wedgie-tastic, twerking good time getting drunk and silly at Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave‘s beach house. It was the perfect way to bond these girls and put all the bad blood behind them, then DORIT ruined it all! Dorit and her mouth. Can someone stuff a designer sock in it? PeeeeeeeKaaaaaay?
I almost have no words for the dysfunction of last night’s Vanderpump Rules. Maybe Stassi Schroeder is aging in reverse. Not in that ‘she looks fabulous way’ of Lisa Vanderpump, but of the OMG – is she really throwing a toddler temper tantrum at her own birthday party. I think I read a Berenstain Bears book about that called “Too Much Birthday.”
Could Stassi and Ariana Madix buy a 2-for-1 therapy session on Groupon? Or maybe Jax Taylor‘s reiki healer can mend the hole in Stassi’s forehead by using her calming touch to transforms it into a halo of happiness. Is that medically possible? Jax and Stassi can skip off into the sunset together happy, at peace, alive! Kristen Doute would lose her soulmate.
You know you’ve been waiting with baited breath for this Sister Wives wedding…even if it did happen over a year ago. Timely or not, Kody’s Brown’s hair, Christine’s crazy eyes, and Robyn’s whining did not disappoint. Even Meri smiled a few times! It’s a wedding miracle! Oh, and Janelle was there too, watching as Mykelti and Tony sealed their vows with a freezing kiss. I’m just glad their lips didn’t get stuck together a la that kid and the flag pole in A Christmas Story. Let’s dive on into this mess, shall we?
The Brown family only has an hour to set up for the wedding of the century. Mykelti has all hands on deck (and then some), and Kody is quick to point out that Tony didn’t have to do the 7 am wake-up call. Christine is rocking a Don’t Mess With The MOB (mother-of-the-bride) t-shirt, and it. is. everything. As the seldom seen Brown teens hang decorations, Taunya and the rest of the crew at Bloomington Country Club is second guessing its free publicity.
Usually the pre-trip Real Housewives episode is a snooze, but last night was the opposite. Maybe it’s because so many episodes of RHOA have been interrupted for important real life events like Holidays and Super Bowls (the butt-implanted Uber driver of Kim Zolciak‘s heart must have watched it pining wistfully; gently touching the TV with his mitts while Kim screamed KROOOOOOOOY in a voice so shrill it could be heard in the next dimension, and then threw a wig over his dreams flatscreen. Kim needs her solo cup refilled – and she needs it NOW!).
Only five episodes in to the first season of Love After Lockup, and it’s already been renewed for season two! Yep. Producers are hard at work scouring the nation for more deluded singles looking for love behind bars. A tip of the hat to you, WeTV! I can’t wait to say “I knew ye back when…” Also, thank you for making me feel better about my life choices every day. Because after watching this mess, it’s impossible to think you’re not #WINNING at life.
This week, probation is the name of the game. Who’s on it, who’s off it, and who ain’t never getting it (hi, Lizzie!). While some couples celebrate the next chapter of their tragic doomsday story, others are saved from themselves by way of the Federal Corrections Agency. There is so much mud to trudge through this week, let’s get right to it!
Last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills led to yet another issue between Kyle Richards and Lisa Vanderpump about defining the boundaries of their friendship. I see both sides of this argument. I’d also like to remind them that in the middle of their bickering is a little follicle-ly unstable blonde woman named Dorit Kemsley, who cannot and will not stop talking shit about everyone she calls a friend.
Actually last night everyone (*except Dorit*) was more human. I credit Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave‘s influence. She’s chill, relaxed, absent of pretense, and despite being publicly scolded and denigrated over inappropriate stemware application, she STILL invited everyone to her ‘beach cottage’ for a potluck. Something about casseroles and dips puts everyone in a ‘let’s get real’ mood. Huddled around Teddi’s kitchen island, surrounded by pita chips served from Pottery Barn dishes, the women all showed their vulnerable and softer roots as opposed to their usual Febreezed exterior.
Sometimes it’s not all diamonds and rose in Lisa Vanderpump‘s world. Sometimes the fancy parties held in her honor end in tears and the fancy restaurants she owns go up in smoke. Such was the case on last night’s Vanderpump Rules.
Lisa is now the Editor In Chief of Beverly Hills Lifestyle Magazine, which I’d always assumed was one of those free magazines, but because this is Beverly Hills that free magazine still is behooving of the fancy of Beverly Hills. Apparently it’s a thing people pay money for, which means Lisa wants a fancy party to celebrate her new position there. Makes sense. What does not make sense is that Lisa puts Stassi Schroeder in charge of said party. Predictably it’s a disaster.