Recaps

Kandi and Porsha argue over Phaedra

What the hell was going on last night on Real Housewives Of Atlanta? That was the weirdest episode ever!

For some odd reason Cynthia Bailey decides to have a ‘Starting Over’ party in the office of a boob doctor and have her implants checked for an expiration date. The ladies of Real Housewives have done a lot of weird things in a plastic surgeon’s office, and they’ve had a lot weird versions of starting over/Tru-Renwal parties, but this one was by far the strangest. The whole cast showed up, dressed to the nines, to cram into a little exam room, screech over Cynthia’s boobs, and then watch the doctor diagnose them unevenly hard, but still usable. Not a very dignified way to start over.

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RHOBH Pantygate

On last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills, we learned that Dorit Kemsley and her her husband Peek-K are obsessed with Erika Girardi‘s vajanynejayne. Dorit was patting Erika’s puss more than an Erika Jayne dance routine!

Dorit told everyone that PK not only had seen the Girardi family jewels, but appraised them for value at length. I think Dorit believed the reveal that Erika ‘forgot’ how to use her lady-like manners while wearing a white micro-cocktail dress was supposed to make Erika look bad. Honestly, though, Dorit’s non-stop complaining and over-analyzing, combined with Peek-K’s stalkerish staring, over what was essentially a wardrobe faux pas in poor taste, made Extra-Cheesey Dorit look worse.

As Erika herself surmised, the entire situation was, quite frankly, fishy. Like, why was Dorit so intent on telling everyone? What Eileen Davidson dubs ‘The Crotch Chronicles’ (or “SnatchChat”) becomes what Peek-K saw up Erika’s skirt. According to Dorit: everything.

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Caroline-Stanbury-White-Coat-Car-Ladies-Of-London

Last night, Marissa Hermer rejoined the Ladies Of London ranks, and not-so-subtly aligned herself with this season’s official Caroline Stanbury haters. Julie Montagu seems especially relieved that her co-conspirator is back in the saddle, ready to ride or die for the cause – as long as that cause is talking trash about Caroline.

When Marissa meets Julie, Sophie Stanbury, and Adela King for lunch, the anti-Caroline camp closes ranks quickly, musing about how unhinged their nemesis has become lately. Sophie plays dumb about why Caroline is being so meeeeean! And Marissa smirks that she thinks Caroline just has her panties in a wad about Sophie becoming friends with Julie. She also snarks that Caroline’s move to Dubai will be challenging, given her inability to make or keep friends easily. Ouch.

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Lisa fires James again

Get your Tom + Katie tea towels ready to clean up the muck that has become Vanderpump Rules!

Recovering from Christmas and an ultimate cookie binge, the last thing I’m in the mood for is whining from Katie Maloney and Stassi Schroeder. But, alas, I am nothing if not a consummate professional, so I have wrenched myself from the sluggish glut of a living room filled with wrapping paper (how many calories does wading through wrapping paper burn?) to complete this recap. Happy holidays! Katie just blew her life savings on $18.00 custom tea towels, and her life now consists of hatefully glaring at Tom Schwartz while folding said towels into cardboard boxes, wrapping the whole thing with twine, and mailing it. In case you were wondering wtf: that’s her wedding invite.

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Kyle & Dorit react to Erika

Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills always gives us a glimpse of the rare and finer things in life, right?! All the finer things… from fine China to the family jewels…

Lisa Rinna is off to New York to launch Delilah’s career as the next Gigi Hadid. Of course, Lisa acknowledges that Yolanda would have been a great ally and mentor right about now, so too bad about that Munchausen accusation last season. But let’s not dwell on the past, now. Let’s focus on how Lipsa is flying into her (and Delilah’s) future.

In NY, Lipsa meets up with Kyle Richards, who is opening yet another Kyle By KaftansToo (?!?!?!?!) all while wearing yet another goofy, incomprehensible outfit. Shouldn’t she call them like Kyle By MumusForever just for variety?

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Caroline-Stanbury-Luke-Beach-Walk-2-Ladies-Of-London

Ladies of London continues its tour of Mapperton this week – on land, on sea, on the precarious tip of Julie Montagu’s metaphorical headstand – and proceeds to devolve into a hotter mess, unfortunately. For Caroline Stanbury, who stormed out of Julie’s dinner last week after having enough of Adela King’s confrontations, the trip also marks a turning point in her relationship with this group of women – especially with former allies, Adela and Sophie Stanbury.

We pick up just after Caroline has run out to Luke’s waiting car. Juliet Angus, of course, follows her out – hoping to…what? Live-trap her on the front lawn? But Caroline Fleming couldn’t care less! She’s just interested in eating, and eating is what the Baroness shall do! Juliet decides she’ll grandstand with Caroline, so she’s leaving too. Even Julie coming out to extend an olive branch doesn’t work. Caroline is leaving, and that’s that. She sees Adela and Sophie as traitors, with only Juliet in her corner at this point. Julie is just impressed with herself for not bawling uncontrollably. Progress!

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Vanderpump Rules recap

It’s a cold day in L.A. before I take Scheana Marie‘s side about anything, but thanks to last night’s Vanderpump Rules that icy apocalypse has arrived.

Does anyone even understand what happened last night? It was essentially 30-year-old women playing drunken telephone as if bringing a stupid bridal party game to real life. Somehow, Stassi Schroeder took a situation that she was not a part of in any way, and through heresy, put her own special Stassi spin on it until it dildo-in-acid exploded on Scheana, soaking her in the bile of bad friendships and her own bad karma.

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Sister Wives Maddie

Last night was the first Brown wedding on Sister Wives…well, the first Brown wedding without Kody Brown as the groom, if you want to get technical. Clearly, it was a two-hour episode, and it begins with the family prepping the venue in Bozeman, Montana. Maddie is stressing over the decorations and timeline while trying not to go batty on her siblings who don’t know the meaning behind a bohemian, sporadic, rustic, free-spirited theme. Kody and Janelle wax poetic about how they saw the spark between Caleb and Maddie when they interacted a few years back at Kody’s brother’s funeral. As you recall, Caleb’s sister is Maddie’s aunt. The wives and Kody think the world of Caleb for how well he took care of his sister after her husband’s passing. Sweetly, Caleb has chosen his nephews as his groomsmen.

The family reminisces over the engagement period, and, not surprisingly, Kody hasn’t even started planning how he will officiate the ceremony. He’s been suffering from insomnia due to the pressure. Maddie isn’t shocked to hear that her dad is so unorganized, and she’s trying her best not to panic. Kody assumed that Caleb’s father, a pastor, would take the reigns, but after recently losing his wife, he wasn’t up to the task. Gracious, could Caleb’s dad be any more precious? Mykelti’s fiancée and his family are going to have some big shoes to fill.

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