Last night’s Dance Moms was it…the BIG ANNOUNCEMENT. I think I took it about as well as Abby Lee Miller, and I’ve had a head’s up for months! As the episode begins, the mothers are all atwitter about whether Melissa and her daughters will be sticking with the ALDC. When asked pointblank, Melissa admits that Maddie and MacKenzie will be exploring other opportunities and will no longer be a part of the elite team. Jill feels betrayed. Holly is confused that she wasn’t able to share this news long before now. Ashlee (I’m not shocked) is convinced that Melissa leaked the news of Maddie’s departure to the media herself in order to create more of a buzz. She may actually be on to something! Melissa promises she was just following her attorney’s advice, and hey, at least the moms’ know before MacKenzie does…she has no clue. Melissa predicts that Abby will be sad about letting go of her daughters, but happy that she’s prepared them for fame. Good luck with that.
Melissa approaches Abby who seems more consumed with her lipstick than Melissa’s admission. Melissa hems and haws and feigns fake tears while staring at the ceiling before breaking the news that this her daughters’ last season with the ALDC. Abby freezes, and Melissa is quick to assure the emotionally fragile studio owner that she had nothing to do with the rumors that her daughters would be peacing out from Abby’s tutelage. Abby quickly regains composure and warns Melissa that Maddie better never be on So You Think You Can Dance, Kids! Melissa back pedals. Melissa stumbles over her words, “Um no, Maddie won’t be, um, dancing on So You Think You Can Dance, Kids. No, no dancing. I can promise you I have never even heard of that new show that my daughter is in no way affiliated with so, um…” Don’t quit your day job, Melissa, if your day job is not being a giant liar. Abby tears up and acknowledges the cameras…why did Melissa wait until now to break this news? Could she not have given her a courtesy phone call?
Cole finally pops the question! We don’t get to see it happen, but we see a few cute pictures and Aubree draws it out for her grandma. Here’s how it went down: Cole took Chelsea to his favorite spot in the woods where he had pictures of the two of them and Aubree hanging on surrounding trees. Aubree was with him so he asked her if it was okay to marry her mommy. He had already asked Chelsea’s parents for their permission and he designed the ring. We get it, Cole is disgustingly perfect.
Last night was the premiere of Real Housewives Of Dallas. Did you love it? I kinda loved it – it had all the right elements: one supremely delusional crazy mean girl, fun-loving weirdo besties, a gal with secrets up the wazoo in her closet, a plastic surgeon’s wife (and bizarre-seeming marriage). I’m here for this. Hand me a pair of spurs – lets prod these bitches!
In Dallas, the houses are huge, but the fashions and hair are Real Housewives Of Orange County circa 2008: satin, rhinestones, single-platform peeptoe Loubs. There is also a lot of frosted eyeshadow.
First we meet Brandi Redmond, who is unofficially the ‘star.’ Brandi, a redhead, is married to her JUNIOR HIGH sweetheart Brad (also a redhead), and they have two redheaded daughters who sit on the counter, one of whom wants to join the circus. Which makes her like the future LeeAnne Locken, former carny-child turned wannabe socialite.
As with every episode, the show begins with each charmer starting a new day in the Holy City. Negotiating a real estate contract reminds Cameran just how much she loves being a modern Southern woman. Her place doesn’t have to be in the kitchen (or in the nursery) – she can have a career! She just needs husband Jason to pick up an ink cartridge for the printer on his way home so she can commence with commerce. Scarlett O’Hara was also a modern Southern woman, but even she knew when to call in reinforcements. Cameran reveals that after two years of marriage, Jason is ready for a baby. Unfortunately, Cameran’s biological clock has yet to start ticking, but she’s building up to some mild domestication with a practice round–she’s planning a dinner party for her friends.
Another season, another reason to floss for the Shahs of Sunset, and let’s hope they bring the gold!
We open with a look back on Reza Farahan standing up Adam Neely at the altar in Thailand. That would be enough to ruin any normal relationship but who’s that creeping in the background while Reza sleeps? It’s Adam! These two lovebirds stayed together and made it work. They even added an adorable little rescue pup, Tini, to the family. I am really happy these two worked it out and Reza realized that the grass isn’t always greener. On Reza’s short list of goals: get married, build a house, have fun with friends and family…oh and have sex and buy gold. Naturally.
Newlyweds Mike Shouhed and Jessica Parido are busy drinking free Fiji water from her Dad and working out to keep in tip top shape before their marriage crashes and burns. Because the couples that sweats together stays together. No irony or anything here. Mike starts to wax poetic about how amazing – and how hard – it is to be married for four months; apparently, he has to ask permission to do everything. I’m assuming Mike has managed to find some time to himself given that they are already getting divorced because of his cheating. I doubt Jessica gave permission on that one. I can’t wait to see how that plays out this season.
Leah can’t believe Corey Simms won primary custody of Ali and Aleeah because apparently she doesn’t reflect on her behavior and the impact it has on her kids.
At Corey’s house, he gets the girls up for school and has their breakfast made. Then he makes them brush their teeth and he brushes their hair. They’re out the door by 6:30, fed and presumably on time. It must be Friday because Leah picks the girls up from school. Of course, she’s texting while driving AGAIN! Aleeah had a tough week and breaks down into tears because she missed her momma. I guess that’s her excuse for ratting out her sister who told daddy he gets them to school on time but mommy doesn’t. Leah lectures the girls to not talk about it when they get to school; it’s none of their business. All they have to worry about is going to school, and mommy and daddy will worry about when they get there. Um okay. Ali, repeat after momma: “Mommy gets me to school on time. I have a healthy breakfast every day. I’m always buckled into a car seat. Lunchables are stocked.” Atta girl!
Word on the street is…this is going to be one feisty reunion! The Real Housewives of Potomac gathered for part one of their first ever post season sit-down with Andy Cohen last night to rehash a season of etiquette lessons, racial tension, and butt-grabbing. If the “teamed” seating arrangement tells us anything, it looks like it may be a popularity contest of sorts. Charrisse Jackson-Jordan, Katie Rost, and Karen Huger on one side face off with Gizelle Bryant, Robyn Dixon, and Ashley Darby on the other. It’s notable that Gizelle and Karen are closest to Andy, as they seemed to be battling it out for HBIC status all season long. Lots of screaming and finger pointing coming our way, I presume!
Out of the gate, I have to address the elephant in the room: wardrobe, makeup, and hair. In a word…HUH!? These couches look like they’re playing host to my 1993 prom fashion show. I realize that as I type this I am sitting here in mismatched sweats, but I’m sorry ladies of Potomac – an immediate and ruthless intervention is in order! Or each housewives’ personal stylist must stand behind their creation and do some ‘splainin. Katie’s face alone makes Sonja Morgan’s smoky eye and updo seem, I don’t know, hip? And the sequins being served up here must have been a cast decision. But you know what they say about theory and reality. Theoretically, six super-sparkly gowns seems fancy and fun. In reality, it looks like a TJ Maxx clearance rack exploded on stage. Okay, no more shade. On to the show!
Last night was the season premiere of Real Housewives Of New York. We met new Housewife Jules Wainstein. The original B of Bravo, Bethenny Frankel, also returned, and whew, was she some kinda mouthy! Bethenny apparently sees herself as the reverse fortune teller of RHONY; she won’t tell you your hopeful future, but with condescending judgement she will point out everything that’s wrong with you, your life, your past, and your overall way of being.
Bethenny is also the ‘Party Police’ this season – obviously replacing the woman she once loved to hate, Heather Thomson, who gathered her big-girl shaping panties and fled this Skinnygirl bar.
Things begin in Bethenny’s new apartment. Hurrah – she’s no longer homeless! The new place is nice, but in that blandly generic HGTV design show sort of way. Dorinda Medley visits to gawk over Bethenny’s Traum Safe, as if it’s something Dorinda couldn’t afford to install in her own pad. Bethenny and Dorinda have become close, but there is one major issue: Bethenny doesn’t approve of John. Like at all.