Recaps

dance moms team

Is it bad that I’ve decided that yet another hour long Dance Moms episode means that something is right with the world? Perhaps that was Steven Collins’ plan all along with that slew of ninety minute ridiculousness! Either that, or I owe a huge debt of gratitude to Thirty Year Old Grandma!

On last night’s show, the veteran mothers made good on their threat to look elsewhere for training, and Abby Lee Miller threw yet another tantrum. It was pretty amazing, to be honest. In light of Abby’s legal woes and mounting erratic behavior, the women decide to rent out their own studio. The elite team is ecstatic, and Kira gifts the girls with a new team jacket. She’s enlisted a rival dance instructor and famed choreographer given the girls will be performing at a competition with the ALDC minis. Kalani Hilliker is thrilled to be working with Erin, and the entire team seems to have a renewed confidence. An added bonus? No pyramid!

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Below Deck recap

Before we get to last night’s Below Deck recap, I’d like to offer condolences to Nico Scholly and his family. Nico lost his younger brother Tristen this week, a devastating event that changes the lives of a family forever.

Nico was a big player in this week’s episode and, given the nature of the crew’s ongoing shenanigans, our RT snark fest will go on, business as usual, in the name of mindless fun we all enjoy. But my heart truly does go out to Nico during this turbulent time.

Okay. Onto the episode! Last night was a cluster of epic proportions.

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pump-rules-brittany

Last night Lisa Vanderpump hosted World Dog Day and declared it a mandatory requirement for all Vanderpump Rules stars to own a dog. James Kennedy is exempt, however, because obviously Lisa cares about the welfare of her furry friends!

OK, just kidding – they didn’t have to own a dog, but it might as well have been a decree. Some of them <ahem… Stassi Schroeder…> were so eager to suck-up to Lisa via dog-loving they adopted two poor doggies, and dressed them up in bonnets fit for English Tea.

Before we dealt with dogs, however, we had to deal with pussy cats. And also bitches. All in a days work at SUR, right!? The bitch is Jax Taylor who has been spreading news of Kristen Doute petting Brittany Cartwright‘s kitty-cat all over SUR.

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Real Housewives of Orange County reunion recap

Part 2 of Real Housewives Of Orange County reunion aired last night. Well, that was a refreshingly light-hearted hour of television, wasn’t it?!

So who wants to discuss THE AFFAIR with Shannon Beador again?

Anybody… well damn, too bad! Shannon and David did a vow renewal, and none of us understand how emotional, loving, caring, amazing David was ’cause the cameras didn’t show it. Only Vicki Gunvalson understands! See, she and Donn did this lil’ thing called a vow renewal, but 15 minutes later, they were divorced and Brooks Ayers had infiltrated the Coto. Empty Love Tank will drive you into the arms of the wrong love.

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Teresa Vs. Jacqueline

As someone who has written about the exploits and shenanigans of Real Housewives for many moons, Real Housewives Of New Jersey is the only show which leaves me emotionally exhausted.

On one level, it’s a nod to their ability to remain raw in front of the cameras, years after years of doom and gloom fighting. However, on the other side, their lack of self-awareness means season after season after season someone – Teresa Giudice, usually – is gonna be accused of a maelstrom of denial that the other ladies have no idea they are also wallowing in. So sometimes you need 5 Xanax – maybe 10! – to get through it.

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Real Housewives of Atlanta recap

Well, Real Housewives Of Atlanta went low quick. Like lower than the dip in Kenya Moore‘s hellish driveway!

Last night the ladies were throwing out the dirty buttermilk on each other. So, turn your prayer cloth into a strainer and start diluting that crud with holy water before you serve it up with biscuits! (That made no sense, but it sounds Phaedra Parks -ian).

Things begin at Moore Manor where Kenya is hosting a housewarming party. I know, I know… whoever heard of a housewarming party for an unfinished house? But even worse – whoever heard of a housewarming party for the ghosts of one’s past in the form of unwelcome guests. Unless of course you’re related to the Addams’s Family or Ebenezer Scrooge.

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Anfisa-Black-Halter-Confessional-90-Day-Fiance

We sure are learning a lot about life and love on 90 Day Fiance. The fiances themselves, however – not so much! Doomed to march straight into the hellfire of their mangled relationships, each couple seems like a contestant on some twisted masochistic game show rather than a real live person who signed up for this mess on purpose. Surprisingly, this week saw some of the American fiances having a long-awaited light bulb moment (however dim). Those moments were short lived – however, last night’s super sized two-hour trainwreck was not!

First, when Jorge is kicked out of his apartment yet again by Anfisa (of the Kylo Ren mind control techniques), he finally ponders sending her home to Russia for good. Then, Narkyia somehow finds her voice – and her ice cream cone as a weapon! – when she hears some shady business involving Lowo, the known catfisher. Color me shocked. Finally, Nicole tries to paint a lousy picture of Azan to her family, which ultimately backfires on her when they all basically tell her she’s nutso for considering marriage to him. So, progress? Nah, not really.

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Don't Be Tardy recap

Last night’s Don’t Be Tardy incorporated so many of our favorite reality shows into a single episode: Top Chef inspired dishes, a RuPaul’s Drag Race inspired game of bingo, and the language heard on any given installment of Mob Wives. It was pretty amazing.

We begin with Access Hollywood’s Anthony, who introduces Brielle Biermann to Liz Hernandez, and she is beyond impressed by the fact Liz interviewed Oprah–the world’s most famous interviewer becomes interviewee! As Liz inquires about Brielle’s education, Brielle dodges questions about college. Liz tells Kim’s mini-me that she got her start at a college internship. Not shockingly, this revelation doesn’t send Brielle into an application frenzy.

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