Last night was the premiere of Vanderpump Rules. I love this show! I love Tom 1 and Tom 2 on their rollerskates, reenacting Boogie Nights Returns: The Wind In My Perm: A Post-Porn Love Story To Decades Of Duos. I love that Scheana Marie Famewhore is now selling Sir Hubs A Lot up ish creek because all the spotlights in all the world need to be focused on her Madonna-adled fantasies (And Scheana ain’t no virgin – just ask Brandi Glanville!) And I love Kristen Doute being the new Stassi Schroeder; stomping around the outskirts of SUR, screaming about how mature she is now that she’s done with this waitressing thingie. T-shirt Lines are the new Statement Necklaces!
So let’s recap this bitch!
First things first, Jax Taylor is a plastic surgery addict, which means he’s gonna end up on Botched trying to undo his Bieber recreation makeover. Jax had had his THIRD nose job – this one to remove minuscule lumps that were a blight to his once perfect profile. He’s also got a nasty 6″ Frankenstein scar running down his forehead. Was he actually undergoing a lobotomy to forget his past as the premiere male supermodel and living incarnate of Zoolander?
Tensions are rising this week as the Ladies of London bring us plenty of cattiness in castles as they wrap up their trip to Baroness Caroline Fleming’s home in Denmark! Since Annabelle Neilson’s “therapy session” at dinner, in which she told a handful of the ladies what their individual problems are, the group has rallied. They’re packing up from their stay in Copenhagen to travel to Caroline F’s family estate, er, castle. Caroline Stanbury and her makeup-artist-permanent-sidekick, Luke, are catching up the morning after dinner. Caroline tells him all about Annabelle’s Copenhagen Confessions, which she can’t take seriously. She feels Annabelle has a constant dour outlook, but vows to make the best of things for the sake of the trip.
En route to the castle, Julie Montagu, Marissa Hermer, Caroline F, and Caroline S sit together to dish about Annabelle. Julie, once Annabelle’s closest ally, suddenly feels as if she can’t do anything to please her. Caroline S doesn’t want to spend the weekend being told the rules according to Annabelle, and encourages Julie to stand up for herself too. Huh. Ironic, considering it was only weeks (days?) ago that Annabelle was giving Julie the same advice about Caroline. While they rag on Annabelle, she can hear their chatter the entire time. She is sitting only inches from them on this “posh” van, after all. Like in the game of Survivor, alliances are shifting.
Last night’s Love & Hip Hop Hollywood begins with Amber on her mission to get dirt on Miles, storming into Milan’s studio’s session. He hasn’t spoken to Miles in weeks, save a few texts, and he’s ready to confront Amber about her relationship with Miles…as she wants to do regarding his. Milan breaks the news that the pair have been dating for two years. Amber is floored. Two years? She admits that she’s hurt and upset, and he reveals that he’s been urging Miles to be honest for ages. Milan shares that Miles claims Amber is a friend who can’t distance himself from his clingy pal. He’s even been fronting Miles the money he’s lent to Amber. This news is an extra blow, and Milan can’t help but feel sorry for her. She counters that had Miles been honest, she would have been friends with both of them…as a couple. The one time adversaries end the conversation with a hug.
Omarion and Willie are shooting hoops and talking music. Willie requests Omarion’s guidance with the independent label contract he’s trying to skirt. Omarion can sympathize, but it’s a rite of passage that can lead to great success. Willie needs to hustle in any way possible to reach his goals. Willie understands, but he’s worried he’ll lose Shanda’s support if he’s unable to get out of his contract. Meanwhile, after her emotional exchange with Fizz, Moniece is wondering why her mother is trying to sabotage her relationship with Rich Dollaz. Like Fizz, Rich is confused as to why Marla is on a rampage against her daughter, but he’s even more confused as to why Moniece doesn’t want to know her mother’s motives. Moniece goes from calm to crazy, breaking down in Rich’s arms.
To refresh your memory on everything that happened last season, plus give you a taste of what you’re in for, we’re recapping the craziest moments from season 3. In short: There was a whole lotta cheatin’ going on!
While Lauren has resolved to legally (and religiously) yoke herself to one Vicotta, of the saltiest and savoriest salamis, Albie Manzo remains adrift in the wind, spraying his pot fertilizer up at the sun and watching it disappear. Albie went from being the prodigal son, to being mommy’s biggest flop – even Lauren mocks him for failing out of law school. It was all that pot prosciutto!
The Real Housewives Of Orange County reunion has left a bad taste in my mouth. Right after I wrote this I ate like 16 pieces of Halloween candy. It’s my version of cleansing.
The highlight from Part 3, if you could call it that, was Vicki Gunvalson finally admitting she doesn’t believe Brooks Ayers has cancer. She “covered” for him all season because she did believe him until very recently. The other highlight was that no one screamed in decibels so shrill Andy’s dog howled backstage. Briana describes Vicki’s uncannily calm demeanor as being “in a state of shock” over how much of her life Vicki has messed up over Brooks. Or the five half a Xanax she took.
The low points: Everything else. Including Meghan King Edmonds‘ hair – why must it look like a Kim Z Generation 1 wig? The more I look at it, the more I see bad imitation senator’s wife.
On this week’s 90-Day Fiance, the clock is ticking on each couple’s 90-day race to the altar, and the harsh tones of reality are setting in. For Markand Nikki, this reality involves the fact that Mark is nearly a retiree while Nikki is a teenager. This is apparently news to Mark, who doesn’t seem to understand why Nikki isn’t thrilled with the idea of rising early in order to pull yard weeds. I mean, wasn’t that your dream at 19?
Nikki sleeps late most days, which irritates Markwhose prostate wakes him up before dawn. So, he’s come up with a solution: blowing a train whistle at the bottom of the stairs to awaken his bride-to-be! Nikki is not pleased with this method, noting it feels like she is being treated like a child. (Or an animal, one might argue, as most parents don’t unleash the train whistle on their sleeping kid unless that kid has maybe just returned from juvie!)
So now that Kody Brown has adopted wife Robyn’s three children from a previous marriage, what will be the focus of Sister Wives going forward? Oh, I know! Let’s send the kids to spend a few weeks with their biological father! Robyn is concerned about the trip, and she hopes they have a positive experience. Dayton and her two daughters are very excited, although they admit they haven’t seen their biological father for two years. Kody reveals that in the past when the three have been to visit him before, they come back a bit different…a tad detached from the Brown family. It’s a good thing Kody and Robyn made sure they were Browns before leaving.
Since the adoption hype is over, the Browns fall back on their regular party planning plot. They are hoping to throw an adoption soiree to celebrate the three newest Browns. Kody is meeting with his wives, and Meri questions the food being served. He wants barbecue, but Robyn wants something more along the lines of Sunday dinner. Janelle nods her head in approval to pretend she’s paying attention, and Christine giggles wide-eyed at everything discussed like she’s watching a ping pong tournament. Her meds are great! Kody interrupts to say he’s getting chicken wings and meat, but Robyn attacks. She has white linens and floral arrangements–this isn’t going to be a cook-out. Kody hasn’t placed the order yet, but Robyn is won’t listen. She lays into Kody as her fellow wives join her in ganging up against him. Christine loves the camaraderie of the wives in an alliance against Kody. He urges them to get their panties out of a wad, and Janelle gives Robyn an mental high five for jumping all over him for that comment too.