This week we open this week’s episode of The Real Housewives of Melbourne with Lydia Schiavello and Chyka Keebaugh catching up and having a midday cocktail. Lydia is flying to Florence for her son’s wedding. Her son is 24 and Lydia is 45 and she can’t believe he’s getting married but nonetheless she is incredibly excited for him. Lydia really does look great for 45.
Chyka wastes no time and spills the beans (very un-Chyka like! But somehow, I still love her even when she is gossiping) about her lunch the other day with Gamble and Janet Roach. She gives her the lowdown. Chyka just asked Gamble Breauxabout what the entire city of Melbourne has read in the press regarding her last relationship. However, Janet comes out of left field with asking her about the “rumors” that Gamble was a stripper and likes to throw sex parties. Chyka tells Lydia she has no idea where that came from and Lydia is so peeved she wasn’t a fly on the wall during that lunch.
This week’s episode of The Real Housewives of Melbourne opens with Pettifleur Berenger shopping for a car for her birthday present. Not just any car – she’s in the showroom taking a Bentley for test drive. She’s hoping her boyfriend foots the $450K bill because she has worked so hard and came from essentially nothing. She wants to make the sure mirrors are in top working order and would like to customize floor mirrors so she can constantly check herself out and not veer off the side of a cliff while driving. And I was hoping to just get a massage for my birthday.
Back at Lydia Schiavello’s house, where she’s hanging out with Figaro (her dog) and her mom. They browse through Figaro’s suitcase full of dog clothes as they prep him for a walk. That poor pup. During their walk Lydia spills that Janet Roach is 56 years old and that she’s in a better place with her and is trying her best to move on from the past year. This was a pointless scene IMO.
Speaking to E! News about season two, Jackie shared, “If you’ve seen season one my friend, I certainly have not changed anything. I always keep it real, I’m always very straightforward. I could probably swear a little less. It sounds much nicer in another language, like I usually swear in, but when you swear in English it sounds a bit more, uh, bloody awful.”
We begin with Lydia Schiavello and Andrea Moss having coffee and I squirm watching these two in cahoots about hating on everyone. They’re not even mean girls, they’re just bored and don’t have anything else to do. Lydia gets on the horn and calls Janet to be like, “why they he’ll you going to Gina’s fundraiser??!!”. Janet, who’s had enough of this fighting, is all, “I’m over bagging Gina”. Lydia and Andrea can’t handle that answer. Nope. They continue to berate Janet into not going and then blame their phone crashing for having to end the convo. Good for Janet! She’s over it (who isn’t at this point??!!) and is going to Gina Liano’s event regardless of Lydia and Andrea’s stupid reasoning.
Shopping sprees abound on this week’s episode of The Real Housewives of Melbourne!!! Janet Roachand Chyka Keebaugh head out to pick up a few cocktail dresses and cha-ching! Their personal stylists have it the jackpot. As they add dress after dress, each one about $2K each, I’m getting majorly jealous – I don’t even wear anything that needs to be dry cleaned these days, let alone a magenta pink Swarovski dress. Meanwhile, Gina Liano meets up with Melbourne’s version of Patti Stanger and is looking for a new man in her life. Gina does meet the criteria of a millionairess so we’ll see how that goes later on.
Ugh, I’m starting loathe the Lydia scenes. We’re now in Lydia Schiavello’s kitchen as she is strangely oohing and ahhing over her maid, Joanna’s peeling technique of vegetables. Lydia actually has the audacity to say that since she’s had hired help for the past 20 years, she’s forgot how to clean. Say what??!! Just stop Lydia. Lydia found Joanna on the street in front of her house a few years ago and now they are best buds. Joanna also picks out Lydia clothes because Lydia has no idea where anything is. Huh? I don’t think Joanna is her best friend in the sense you and I have best friends. I think Joanna is her best hired helper. That seems more up Lydia’s alley.
After some internet/cable snafus with my new house, the Real Housewives Of Melbourne recaps have returned! So I’m catching up from the last couple of weeks. Bear with me people.
Lydia Schiavello is paying a visit with her old girlfriend, Lisa. Lydia spilled the beans about the crazo beach weekend with the ladies. Lisa has been depraving herself of carbs since in utero and now is busy running her company while her husband retires. Lydia absolutely cannot imagine going to work full-time while her husband, Andrew stays home. The thought of it!! While Lisa discusses with Lydia about her intensely stressful week (raising capital, running the company, etc.), Lydia chimes in with, “Well, as long so you stay sexy for your husband”. Huh? Wha??? Lisa is all, “It was so nice to see you and I just don’t have any friends like you!” (Backhanded compliment). Lydia is an idiot.
On this week’s episode of The Real Housewives of Melbourne, Chyka Keebaugh has invited all the ladies to a much-needed beach getaway. Jackie Gillies and Lydia Schiavello kick things off with a shopping spree to stock up on zebra-patterned caftans from a nearby caftan specialty boutique (these exist). Lydia models a modest Grecian dress and a Jackie steps out in a teeny, tiny leopard-print mini spandex dress and aptly pokes fun at herself by saying she looks like “a stick with big tits”. Ha! Meanwhile, Lydia can only muster, “Oh Wow” (remember, she is just sooooo articulate) the entire time they shop.
Andrea Moss finishes up her packing, ensures her nanny has the 735-point checklist and off they go to airport where the group will be taking private helicopters to Queensland for their vacay. Surprise, surprise Gina Liano is late. Again. Janet Roach is about to cut a b*#%h if Gina doesn’t arrive in like 5 seconds. Gina rolls up (how many colbalt blue dresses can one have in their wardrobe anyway??!!) and is hoping everyone is chill for the trip.