Last night I had a nightmare; a giant wig was taking over, smothering me with it's synthetic polyester strands and reeking of olive oil and burnt hair. It emerged from a microwave waving a cigarette in my face. It's tendrils grabbing at me like Ursula from The Little Mermaid, smothering me and whispering 'Biiiiig Poooopa. Don't Be Taaaardy for Biiiig Pooooppppa!' I couldn't escape! It was horrible! It was so frightening. I woke up and realized it wasn't a nightmare. That really happened. And it was called the premiere of Don't Be Tardy: When Wigs Attack. Otherwise known as the Wigs-N-Cigs Variety Show!
So Kim Zolciak-Biermann invaded our screens again last night and the more things change the more they stay the same, eh. In the two-episode series premiere things open with Kim popping out Baby Kash. Yes, she was wearing a wig and stage make-up in the delivery room. No, she did not put down her phone even while crowning. And worst of all, Kroy Biermann was pigging out on fast food while she was having contractions. And that's how Kash emerged forth into the universe. Immediately before giving birth Kim starts directing her daughters to pick up a massive order of ravioli and frappuccinos. And cigarettes and wine.
Kim also wants a judge to toss out the lawsuit claiming it has no merit according to TMZ. Kim is adamant that not only has she already fairly compensated Kandi for her services, but she paid in excess by $6,000! Kim also insists that Kandi doesn't even believe her own suit as she is simply attempting to pull a Sheree and use the courts to get attention.
I guess in Kim's case she's doing the Wig and Wine show with some crass sex jokes and cursing thrown in for good measure. I'm sure family-friendly ABC, who canceled Bachelor Pad because it was too trashy for their image, would love having her as an addition to next season's DWTS cast!
The Don't Be Tardy star tells E! News that she would "definitely entertain the idea" of being on DWTS. Because she's so qualified and has a lot of dance experience. Stripping does not count. "I danced for 18 years of my life, ballet, tap and jazz as a kid," Kim shares.
Kim Zolciak has the perfect plan for keeping her Bravo spinoff career going: more babies! And more legal dramas!
The Don't Be Tardy star recently shared that she and husband Kroy Biermann are planning for baby no. 3. Oh lord. Aren't we all tired of that storyline already? Kim and Kroy want a daughter this time.
"We're not done. I think we'll have one more. We'll see." Kim credits Kash being an easy baby as the reason she's ready for a third. "He sleeps 12 hours and wakes up smiling!" Kimtold Us Weekly of Kash. "I was the most well-rested new mom on the planet."
Kim Zolciak will be back to traumatize us next week. Oh how I've missed my television sans wigs, cigs, and mistresses on an egotrip! Luckily for me I will not long await the return of classless wig porn talk, fast food binges, and the bellowing war cry of "SWEEEEETIEEEE!"
Don't Be Tardy premieres with back-to-back episodes next Tuesday! Bravo just released the official press photos of Lady Wigs and her strands of terror.
A week after Kandi Burrussfiled a lawsuit against Kim in federal court over royalties, non-payment, and rights to use the song 'Tardy For The Party,' Kim continues to desperately exonerate herself by slamming Kandi in the media and on twitter. Among other things, Kim has called Kandi a famewhore seeking publicity and a liar. Kandi has not commented.
Going one step further, the Don't Be Tardy star put out an official press release giving her perspective on the lawsuit. It is of no surprise that Kim takes no responsibility and accuses Kandi of lies and negligence. Furthermore this is the most professional (ha!) press release ever. Is Brielle not only Kim's songwriter but her PR rep too?
"The lawsuit led by Kandi Burruss and Rodney Richard aka Don Vito against Kim Zolciak-Biermann over the song 'Tardy For The Party' is without merit and suspicious in its timing," Kim's official statement begins.
However Kim just released the promotional photo for her new show on twitter and the premiere date is listed as April 16th – one week later! We confirmed with Bravo's website, which also lists April 16th for the season two premiere!
Kandi's show is still listed as premiering on April 9th, so nothing has changed there! A promo photo for Kandi's new show is below!