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Heather Thomson

Sometimes I watch these shows and I have no idea what happens. It’s just a passive aggressive cluster eff of pinot slurring, sloshing, and rambling. On last night’s episode of Real Housewives of New York it was just one big Poopy the Pig moment after another.

So where shall we begin? Ahhh… the bellows of an UES town home situmatated next to a parking garage. No bueno. In the belly of the beast sits Sonja T. Morgan, wearing the merest blush of pink, sipping her water and preparing to be wowed by the business savvy of Heather Thomson and her Yummy Tummy brand expert.

There is also a surprise guest: Pinot Singer, sporting what I can only describe as an outfit straight from Gianni Versace’s 1992 collection. Oh, that blouse with that belt. Please – save this woman from both her pinot and her dated wardrobe.

So yeah, Heather and her brand people arrive and it’s head-butting and butt-head acting and sniping and waffling and furtive glares and Ramona holding court like she’s Sonja’s bodyguard. She’s interrupting and speaking over people and acting like people take her seriously. All of Heather’s team was just eying her warily and mentally assessing that based on this shenanigan Sonja’s toaster oven was going to burn.

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Last night’s episode of Real Housewives of New York was a hot mess of faux pas, inappropriate comments, and geriatric sexual harassment. I guess you could call this episode the George & Ramona show, because well that’s what happened. The two of them demonstrated that their concept of social etiquette evaporated sometime around the dinosaur era as they fought to one-up each other in the rude and out-of-control category.

Maybe Aviva Drescher was trying to get her dad some air time to gain relevance, maybe he acted more out of order than usual because he was hoping to stage a fifth wind career revival – who knows, but you and I both know Andy Cohen loves an old sassy so Papaviva will be making an appearance on WWHL very soon.

Before all that happened Carole Radziwill also headed to Miami for a one-day Bravo sponsored trip to visit her friend, jewelry designer Ranjana Khan. Ranjana also does this thing called face yoga as a side-job. Basically it was yet another chance for her to advertise her product – and for Carole to call out LuAnn de Lesseps on “friend jumping.” Is this going to become a thing? I makes me think of Heathers meets Tremors.

Anyway, Aviva calls to inform Carole that things with Ramona Singer are going, well, the way things always go with Ramona – like rancid unchilled pinot drank out of a Tupperware container. That’s a metaphor for BAD. Carole is like ‘Oh tee-hee… I’m not going to make enemies of Ramona – that bish is psycho. I just call her bunny, because she’s got so much energy.’ Aviva, feeling like she just ran a half-marathon with a hang-over, lamely agrees.

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Cast members of The Real Housewives of New York got together to hit a garage sale over the weekend!  OK, we know it wasn’t your typical yard sale where they had to touch the no-longer-wanted items of peasants, but instead a charity event.

Aviva Drescher, LuAnn de Lesseps, Carole Radziwill, and Heather Thomson hit up the good deals to be to had at the Super Saturday 15 event, which benefited the Ovarian Cancer Research Fund.

Kelly Ripa hosted the fundraising event, which included one-of-a-kind designer garage sale with over 200 designers, a kids carnival with rides, a raffle, fortune tellers, manicures and more.

Also in attendance – former RHONY cast member Jill Zarin, as well as Real Housewives of Beverly Hills star Kyle Richards.

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Last night on Real Housewives of New York the ladies competed for their country in the wine olympics. And it’s not surprising that the wino award went to Pinot Singer! In other news, Carole Radziwill still hates LuAnn de Lesseps! They’re so mature.

Things begin with Ramona hosting a post-London debriefing. She expects everyone will arrive and complain about the horror that is Heather Thomson. Pinot is pleasantly surprised to learn that instead everyone now hates LuAnn. Particularly Carole who is bristly over the fact that LuAnn tried to compare their books. No one even bought that horrible book Ramona reminds them.

Sonja Morgan is still bent out of shape that LuAnn is tall and enters the room first. Really? Is Height Gate going to become a thing?

Aviva Drescher arrives and shares that Ramona – and now Sonja are invited to Miami. And in a fun bravo manufactured coincidence Carole will also be there because some designer friend of her’s has an event or something. As a fun treat, Aviva reveals she has a geriatric gentleman just perfect for Sonja and as an added benefit he’s a viagra sex addict! ‘Oh, whooo is this charming man,’ Sonja purrs. ‘My father!’ Aviva announces. Oh that’s delightfully UN-awkward.

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As a writer you are challenged to encapsulate events and people in an exciting or innovative way. As a recapper you are challenged to reiterate exciting and crazy things that have already happened in a funny and innovative way. It’s a tough job.

Last night on Real Housewives of New York there were royal wars and pinot races. And nobody won at the end of an evening serenaded by the worst music I’ve ever heard on Housewives of anywhere – and that is really saying something. So Mazel, Cara Quici.

Things begin innocently enough with a bidet, some croquet, and champagne. Sonja Morgan, washing off the sins of her hangover, sticks her face in a bidet filled with ice. She does know what part of the anatomy a bidet is really for, correct?

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Real Housewives of New York is having trouble getting off the ground despite the up and running feud between Pinot Singer, resident crazy, and Heather Thomson, newbie championship fighter.

Didn’t anyone ever tell Heather you can’t reason with crazy?

On last week’s episode, Aviva Drescher‘s husband Reid – sarcastically, according to Aviva’s twitter – suggested Heather may be “jealous” of Ramona‘s success following her disastrous speaking engagement at the Learning Annex. Well, Ramona definitely didn’t agree with that. Oh, no – Heather isn’t jealous, she’s just insecure.

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Last night in NYC Bravo celebrated the season finale of Around the World in 80 Plates with a party.

It drew in the attendance of contestants Avery Pursell, Nookie Postal, John Vermiglia, and Liz Garrett, as well as hosts Curtis Stone and Cat Cora.  Along with the show’s participants and crew, it also brought out a few of the Real Housewives of New York CityAviva Drescher, LuAnn de Lesseps, and Heather Thomson.

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Last night on Real Housewives of New York some of the ladies – re: the cool ones and LuAnn de Lesseps – traveled to London. And some of the ladies, well weren’t invited. How’d you like that, pinot!

Things begin with Carole Radziwill (in her nephew’s borrowed Halloween costume), Sonja Morgan (in Indiana Jones’ borrowed hat), and LuAnn (in Princess Diana’s borrowed accent) arriving in London. Heather Thomson and her Yummie Tummie holla-ing team are already there.

Carole is grouchy. And she’ll remind you of it over and over on this trip. Personally, a grouchy and snarky Carole is much more what Bravo was hoping for when they cast her – and she’s a good kind of witty grouchy, not just an out of control bitch.

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