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RHOA Recap

Apollo Nida threatens Phaedra Parks before he leaves for prison

Well, well… what have we here! More mysterious Africans! More sexting scandals! Real Housewives Of Atlanta loves a good what-comes-around-goes-around. Before this recap I have to state that Apollo Nida behaved mighty scarily and domestic violence or relationship intimidation is extremely serious. 

Claudia Jordan has hit-up Rent-A-Center and finally got some furniture, but that’s still not enough to make this girl happy! She cries to Kenya Moore and Cynthia Bailey that she feels like it’s high school all over again where she is being bullied for being biracial and everyone expects her to just laugh it off. 

Clawdia is so sad and blue because Porsha Williams won’t let her sit at the popular lunch table! Man – Porsha has some power, she’s ruining an African’s marriage with her cooch and she’s ruining Claudia’s job because she won’t do happy hours. 

Claudia says she’s tried her hardest to be civil and supportive of Porsha, except for that time she called her a prostitute and that time she showed up at her work party to start an argument with her. Kenya tut-tuts about how shameful it is that women can’t support each other. I mean, it is soooo hard to work all day, get up at 5:30 am, and not have a married African pay your bills! 

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claudia jordan and porsha williams fight on rhoa

I feel like I missed something on last night’s episode of Real Housewives Of Atlanta? Why was Claudia Jordan so pressed over Porsha Williams? Color me confused…

And furthermore, if you are so upset that people are “unjustly” calling you a whore, and you don’t want women resorting to those insults, why is that the only insult you’re ever resorting to? These are real questions for Claudia, who calls herself a journalist. I’m investigating and I want answers. 

It seems to me that it should be Porsha who is upset with Claudia, I mean I’d be pretty pissed if someone, for basically no reason, called me a prostitute on national television and then didn’t even have the proof to back it up. That’s some slanderous libelous hearsay and I am misusing legal jargon cause I got my law degree from the same $19.99 internet correspondence course that Phaedra Parks did. The one where long-term thinking and recidivism rates are like huuuuhhhh? The same legal school where they don’t teach you that marrying an ex-con exponentially increases the likelihood that you’ll be married to a prisoner at some point. What happens on air mattresses in the ghetto at 2 am renders one dumb and useless, I suppose! 

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peter thomas & kordell stewart at the sports one opening with Kenya, Claudia, and Cynthia - RHOA

Last night on Real Housewives Of Atlanta no one wanted to grow up as they took good old fashioned road trips, flirted with the football players, and relived their glory days at Ridgemont High on the last day of senior year. Also, Cynthia Bailey wore a stupid hat in every scene. Are her edges thinning too?!

NeNe Leakes gets picked up at the airport by Greggum, her basement troll clamoring into the sunshine for the first time in weeks, sadly it’s an overcast day and he’s forced to linger in the parking garage until he catches sight of the shiny ring. Still – it is human contact! NeNe reflects on Puerto Rico and acknowledges that maaaaaaybe her comments to Claudia Jordan were crass and terrible, so she apologized. An apology Claudia did not want to take. 

Then NeNe tells us her life used to be a Lifetime Movie and she worked her way through college stripping – basically living Kyle Richards’ dream as played by Tori Spelling circa 1992. Let’s just say, NeNe skipped English 101 in favor of studying Human Sexuality, which is how she knows about the amazing transitive powers of Clawdia’s clit. 

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rhoa cast in puerto rico

In last night’s installment of The Hunger Games: MockingShade 2, the ladies of Real Housewives Of Atlanta insulted each other on every level, then took a break to pass a dildo between their caftans on a beach, and then returned to insulting each other on every level. I like my Housewives classy like that!

We’re at dinner where Claudia Jordan is a whore and NeNe Leakes is fat with seething jealousy and shops at Ross. Now Claudia, you can read NayNay, but please don’t read Ross! I have gotten many things at Ross, including fabulous glasses made to look like Solo Cups! NeNe snaps that her dress is “RUNWAY!” Because when you got them coins they make RUNWAY in your size. That must be the reason NeNe’s dress looks like leftover remains of a circus tent in a Project Runway challenge. “Auf wiedersehen,” Ms. Leakes. 

Claudia rips NeNe for her plastic “hair hat” glued to her head. T’is true – for someone so very rich NeNe has the worst wigs – she may have coins, but she does not use them to pay a hair gay! 

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claudia jordan vs. nene leakes in puerto rico

Was anyone else totally confused by this episode of Real Housewives Of Atlanta? I don’t know what was more disturbing: the majorly disjointed story or Claudia Jordan‘s feet. I need some clarity on motives here – and also on shade, which I thought was genteel and left one guessing, not obviously wrong like a bunion crusted-foot. 

The clips set-up this episode to be a big show-down in Puerto Rico between the establishment and the upstarts (not unlike an episode of Downton Abbey, although I dare say Lady Mary’s reads are far superior to anyone on RHOA). And yes, that did happen, but I felt like we’re missing some serious backstory. Was there a reason Phaedra Parks is suddenly gunning for Demetria McKinney like Evander Holyfield? Is Phaedra in love with Roger Bobb too? Speaking which, I beginning to believe Roger the Friendly Ghost comes from Claudia’s mysterious sugar daddy connect – or Kenya Moore‘s over-active iMANgination!

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nene leakes hosts a forgiveness summit with kenya, cynthia, and porsha

Oh Real Housewives Of Atlanta  – for all their ‘hate is real’ when it comes right down to it these ladies know how to have a good time! And laughter is the best medicine, as they say. 

NeNe Leakes put on her lace football jersey and strategized about how she could re-unifiy this group, so she invited Cynthia Bailey and Porsha Williams for drinks to help them make amends. But the Hail Mary pass came when she sneak-invited Kenya Moore by telling Cynthia to “bring her girl.”

NeNe didn’t tell Porsha until she was seated at the bar, drink in hand, expecting a good old-fashioned keke about how NeNe should stop wearing denim short-shorts and Cynthia should watch those RHOA flashback scenes with woe because her fashions have gone as downhill as her finances! 

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phaedra parks cries over explaining apollo going to prison to her sons

Last night’s episode of Real Housewives Of Atlanta was a modern day fairytale! Maidens dueled over the elusive Roger Bobb, prince of production-ville, NeNe Leakes was cursed by an evil gay and and was doomed to an episode of bad wigs, and Phaedra Parks turned to stone. Ahhh… love! 

Before any of this happens we’re confronted with Mama Joyce. First thing, right out of the gate, like bad news before coffee in the morning that’s too early. Kandi Burruss‘ family is having a BBQ, she arrives with Todd, and she’s not speaking to Joyce because her boyfriend destroyed the house Kandi gave her, which Kandi, for some reason, didn’t know until after she bought MJ a new house. Things that make you go hmm…

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nene leakes upset about friendship with cynthia bailey

On last night’s Real Housewives Of Atlanta a friendship remained in limbo, a theft occurred, and Cynthia Bailey struggled… 

Things pick up where they left off with NeNe Leakes bursting into tears – I firmly believe it was the false eyelash glue – before bellowing at Cynthia about how she has been scorned, left adrift in a desert of vicious reality television vultures waiting to pick the bones of her success and that she has arisen again like a falcon from the fiery depths of a barren civilization filed with predator silicone monsters in discount Louboutaaaans and the weaves stolen from the corpses of past Housewives but NeNe has praaaaayed for Cynthia’s redemption, but she is nothing but prey for those with agendas to destroy. 

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