Does denial grow on trees in sunny California? What about psychosis? I mean, it must, right if Vanderpump Rules is any indication of life in LA. Last night Katie Maloney had an awakening and Tom Sandoval had a’shakening when he realized that Kristen Doute really is stalking him and he is going to end up the subject of a cautionary tale seen on Lifetime. Hey – I’d watch, but only if they cast an actor with better hair.
Lisa Vanderpump is swanning around Villa Blanca, pruning roses, whistling while she works, conversing with birds when one of her 7 gnomes – Sleazy – arrives. Jax Taylor is just hoping for some free food – and some permission to start “banging” the new hostess Vail. Lisa immediately attempts to put the breaks on that notion by snipping the pruning sheers near Jax’s poker.
Before Lisa even has the opportunity to take off her transparent unicorn leather gardening gloves (special edition Gucci), gnome 2 – Sniffly – arrives to burst in to tears. Katie blames being allergic to decent human beings and scents other than stale booze for her watery eyes. She tells Lisa that Tom 2 would rather have Jax in his life than Katie, but she doesn’t want to be alone. What if she turns into Kristen?!
First up, Katie tackled the confounding matter of Kristen “Kritter” Doute and the little train of crazy that keeps gaining steam. Katie says contrary to what Kristen believes, she doesn’t hate her over cheating scandals – it’s just everything else about her personality that sucks!
“I’m not holding a grudge or punishing Kristen for sleeping with Jax. Kristen really did make our lives hell at times, it was just not good. Unfortunately you don’t get to see all of that,” Katie explains. “I know that Kristen was hurt at the end of her and Tom [Sandoval]‘s relationship. I don’t think she was taking into consideration her part of the deterioration. I think that Tom is absolutely happy with Ariana and Kristen should try to find that for herself.”
Last night’s episode of Vanderpump Rules reminded me of two classic movies that perfectly apply: Fatal Attraction and Dazed and Confused.
Let’s start by examining the ulterior motives of Stassi “Free Ride” Schroeder. Stassi, quit SUR, moved away, started dressing the Jr. League vice president, and thinks that makes her a grownup. Sadly, she’s still loitering outside the gates of SUR, leaning against the bar with a pinot grigio, sighing, “This is what I love about these SUR bitches, I get more mature, but they just stay the same.” You know who I’m referencing!
Stassi needs a job – because she is bored of free riding her friends TV show, spending daddy’s money, and wearing that real live adult facade. Maturity is hard – especially when you really, really, really yearn to be back at SUR, causing drama, and bitchwhipping these pathetic losers into shape like Red Heather (since we’re going with old movie references! There’s pate, and croquet! And Kristen Doute is totally going to bomb the bleachersAriana’s bar).
Lisa Vanderpump had a restaurant. O-E-Oh-E-Ho. And in that restaurant she had a bartender. Who would cheat cheat here. And would cheat cheat there. Here a cheater, there a cheater. Everywhere a cheater cheating. Lisa Vanderpump had a restaurant. O-E-Oh-E-Ho. And such is the tale of Vanderpump Rules.
Last night the rampant epidemic of cheating that spread through SUR claimed another victim: Tom Schwartz. While Katie Maloney was busy “motorboating a d–k,” Tom 2 was making out with some girls and possibly having sex with others. In the middle of it all was Jax Taylor, erstwhile on a struggle for people to recognize his true nature as a gentle giant, an angel hellbent on protecting those he loves, a man who cries at the injustices of his friends being in relationships with toxic girls. Why does no one understand him?!
In other news Lisa is hosting a Gay Mayors party at PUMP and needs Tom 1, Jax, and Tom 2 (temporarily re-hired, but remanded to bring paper bags in case of panic attacks) to “Tray Pass” – i.e. hold catering trays of food and wander around. Tom 1 and Jax are pissed – that’s such an insult! That’s the lowest echelon of bar tending – they have standards, y’all!
“I cannot imagine my life without Ariana,” Tom 1 gushed. “It’s just explosive happiness for me on a daily basis.” I imagine degrading hell on daily basis was how he defined his previous relationship to Kristen Doute.
Tom 1 reveals that he and Ariana have discussed marriage and it’s a strong possibility for the couple who has been together about a year. Somewhere Kristen is impaling herself on a curling iron or a stiletto heel. You know she’ll crash that wedding!
Not only did Lisa put Andy in the hot seat, she even got him to apologize to her for she considered harsh treatment on the most recent RHOBH reunion. Of course, not wanting to endure the wrath of Queen Lisa, Andy happily obliged. Lisa chastised, “I didn’t feel you gave me a break. I don’t think you made everybody else answer to some of the things that had gone down on my behalf.”
On Vanderpump Rules last night Jax Taylor decided that, for once, he was gonna work the rumor-mill to his favor, and play a game of telephone with the story of Katie Maloney “motorboating the crotch region of a gentleman.” Yes, I just typed that. And yes, that is a direct quote. And yes, we will be using that phrase many more times through this recap. You’ve been warned!
Jax is recovering from his nose job, and as he deals with the debilitating pain of a deviated septum he realizes there’s been just one person who hasn’t reached out, who hasn’t checked in on his recovery: Katie. He broods over muddled ginger at the SUR bar, and every time he feels the bandage tape creating friction across his oily pores, his anger increases just a little bit: it goes from beer, to wine, to whiskey, finally distilling into pure moonshine. And then he snaps: how dare she! How dare Katie not only ignore him in his time of need, but how dare she choose Stassi Schroeder‘s side over his. And even worse, how dare she attempt to keep Tom 2 away from him, dammit! Besides, Tom 2 wants to be away from Katie – not Jax.
Kristen Doute is unable to let go of her relationship to Tom Sandoval, no matter how many times he blocks her on twitter! Kristen says at the root of her frustration is that Tom 1 has changed and she doesn’t like the fakery that she sees.
“It’s fair for me to say that he isn’t the same guy I knew before. The way he acts and his relationship with Ariana seem very contrived,” the Vanderpumop Rules star argues. “For someone who says I’m not worth a thought, she certainly spends a lot of time talking about me.” Uhhhh… seriously, Kristen?!