Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap: Suitcase Woes, Make-Up Bag Meltdowns, and Dinner Parties From Hell 2.0!

On last night’s episode of the Taylor, Taylor, Taylor show Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Taylor has a drunken meltdown rivaling that of the infamous KKB, leaving everyone running for the private jets to get them out of Crazy Creek, thus ruining another one of Camille’s notorious dinner parties! Adrienne and Paul had their first real seaming fight, and Kim was perhaps three or four sheets to the wind…

Things start off with a tipsy Taylor still crying in the hot tub with Kyle, clutching her wine and sobbing her crocodile tears while Kyle lapped them all up. Camille, who can’t be bothered with anyone else’s issues, goes to lie down. Can I have Camille’s life where hosting a dinner party consists of relaxing in my room while a full staff does all the work. As Kyle is managing Taylor’s emotional state, the smarter, less disillusioned housewives are taking a nap. Kim is in a peaceful slumber, when a (naked) wasted Taylor jumps on her in her underwear and wakes her up to cry some more about how their lives are a mess and filled with problems, unlike Adrienne’s life, which is perfect. Well, except for her hair situation.


Kim gives Taylor an awesome pep talk about being positive and remembering that everyone has issues, then when Taylor apologizes and says she was an asshole, Kim simply agrees! Then she burst out laughing. I love Kim. In the middle of hour of power with Kim, Kyle skulks in to monitor the interaction. Then they all start giggling; Kim and Kyle are being fun and silly with each other. Awwww… sisters!

Waiting for appetizers, Kyle realizes Taylor and Kim are missing for quite a while, so she goes to check in and see what the bad children are doing! Kyle is such an over-bearing mama. It turns out, a laughing hysterically Taylor, is playing hide ‘n’ seek, in Kyle’s suitcase – still not dressed and looking a wreck! Taylor just wants a home! After vacating the suitcase and starting to get dressed, Taylor starts really losing it over a lost make-up bag. Kim keeps coaching her to pull it together, but she unravels more and more. Kyle thinks it may be the altitude or perhaps the alcohol – those can be confusing – causing the behavior. Alerted that something is amiss, The RescueFabulous Squad, Adrienne and Lisa arrive to assist with the melting down, emaciated woman who just needs her psych meds blush.

Lisa opines that Taylor has been drinking too much to cope with her crumbling marriage. And suddenly, in the middle of make-up bag-gate, Taylor starts shrieking about not wanting to be portrayed as the “crazy b*tch.” Too late. Lisa, rushing around in a see through lace blouse she must have borrowed from Adrienne, lets Camille know about the unrest. Poor Camille – she’s 0-2 on the ol’ dinner party successes.

During the appetizers, Taylor is highballing cocktails and acting a mess; declaring that she doesn’t eat and making fun of the wait staff bringing hors d’oeurves, when an exasperated Adrienne leans over and succinctly informs her: “You’re having a nervous breakdown. Pull yourself together.” I love this woman. Following Taylor to the bar, she literally pulls the drinks away from her and reminds her to get it together again; relying on Lisa to help chaperone the situation, they double team an out control Taylor.

At the table, an emotional Taylor confronts Camille about how Kelsey ended their marriage and begins to sob about how staying in Mason’s room made her think about Kennedy being the child of divorce. Oh lord, Bravo needed to scrap this season and start from scratch – this is a hot, steaming, mess of straight-up ridiculous. #backtothedrawingboard #notentertaining

At the table, talk is all about Taylor’s marriage and there are lots of opinions on whether or not she should leave Russell and if it’s worth saving. Adrienne believes Taylor is staying with Russell for fear of loneliness, but Kim thinks she shouldn’t give up hope just yet.

Lisa comments that Taylor always looks like such a victim – looks can be deceiving, Lis! And frankly, I think looking like the victim is totally Taylor’s shtick. Lisa clearly wants off the crazy slope! As a result of Taylor dominating dinner with her meltdown, Kim and Adrienne get into it over whether or not Taylor’s marriage is worth it and whose advice is better. I noticed Kyle and Lisa exchanging looks – Lisa was telepathically communicating: “You gave up my bff-ness for this nightmare. Serves you right, B*tch!” The ladies discuss abuse and there is a lot of unspoken, implied allegations about Russell. Adrienne reveals that there are rumors around Beverly Hills about how Russell treats Taylor, but she hasn’t seen any evidence. Adrienne pushes Taylor to admit if she’s really “in love” with Russell or merely afraid to be alone. Taylor sobs that she’s “in love” with him! Finally, Kim has had it with the conversation and makes it all better by waving her magic napkin in Taylor’s face and Bam! all the sadness is gone! And suddenly everyone is laughing! Camille owes Kim for that one!

While the girls are out paging the Bravo medic team to rescue them from Crazy Creek, the hubbies – sans Russell who has disappeared to San Diego – are getting together for some very inauthentic seeming guy time. Over drinks, Ken Todd looks as if watching women’s figure skating would be preferable to hearing Paul and Mauricio dissect Taylor’s marriage; which Paul describes as a lot of “he said, she said – now what’s the real story.” Ken does bring up the therapy debate, and mentions he’s sorry he opened his mouth.

As the weary travelers return to Cali, Kim, this season’s intrepid moderator, describes Taylor’s emotional state as “mournful.” In the limo from the airport, Kyle and Adrienne fight for the bottle of vodka and start doing shots to erase the horrible memory of Crazy Creek. Ok, kidding, but Adrienne clearly needs a vacation from that emotionally draining vacation. Kyle and Adrienne are worried about Taylor, especially because she is incredibly thin, and falling apart.

Back in the ‘bu; Camille is touring the grounds with her confidante for hire, D.D. After discussing the merits of keeping her palatial home nestled in 5 acres, Camille admits that missing a partner is the hardest part of her divorce, but compared to Taylor’s marriage she’d take divorce any day of the week! Camille is hopeful Taylor and Russell can work out their issues for Kennedy’s sake; and is impressed that they are attending therapy, which she never got to opportunity to try with Kelsey. Perhaps Taylor can just rent D.D. for a few weeks- she is such a reassuring listener! I wonder if she is Camille’s live-in counselor?

Kyle and Mauricio are reconnecting over dinner and Kyle is embarrassed to tell Mauricio she is friends with such insane drama queens who destroyed an amazing trip with their hysterics. Mauricio is, as always, patient as Kyle recounts the Taylor dramz. Then she mentions the positive: she and Kim had a breakthrough and Kim was able to be herself with the other ladies! Kyle is excited that their relationship is finally back on track and they are having fun together again – Mauricio, not so much. In fact, he is still very hurt by Kim’s allegations that the Umansky’s stole her house and it makes him feel that everything he has done for Kim was meaningless. Mauricio is not ready to forgive, until Kim gets help and issues him an apology for the mean things she said. Can we have more details please?

Lisa Vanderfabulous, who is looking very fabulous indeed in her purple dress, takes a trip to SUR with Ken to look at the recently vacated space next door, because she wants to expand. Ken has reservations about the size and scope of her vision, and if she has the time to over-see the project. Plus he worries about turning their sexy lil’ SUR into Big Sur. Lisa admits Ken wants to retire to Montecito, but they have bills to pay. What bills, I cannot possibly imagine? Lisa resigns herself to the fact, that Christmas may have to be put out a little early for ol’ Ken in order to get her way, meaning she may have to do the deed THREE times this year. I keep hearing Lisa mention the dreaded word “merchandise” – does this mean the Vanderfancy-Todds will be embarking on the Bravo Home Shopping Network to pimp some product? Please, no.

Adrienne is preparing to attend the last Sacramento Kings game before they move the team to a new city with a state-of-the-art arena. Paul receives a call from someone in their employ, who informs him that they may want to reconsider attending due to fan unrest and it is unsafe for them to sit in their designated Suite M. Adrienne doesn’t care – she is adamant about attending with or without Paul – even if she takes a beer can to the forehead from a furious Kings fan.

Paul feels it isn’t worth the risk, but Adrienne warns an insistent Paul to stay out of her business; after all she doesn’t tell him how to liposuction or face lift! Adrienne makes her own money AND her own rules! Paul is worried Adrienne won’t be able to handle it, but seriously, she’s on this show with these crazies. Obsessed super fans wielding beer have nothing on middle-aged ladies with marital and ego problems mixed with binge drinking wine.

Taylor meets with her life coach and SHE is allowed to bring her dog into the house. What about Kennedy’s allergies?! Said life coach simply validates everything Taylor says and is basically useless. Taylor discusses the trip and believes she had a panic attack. She also believes that telling all her friends about her marriage and getting their varying opinions confused her. I really couldn’t focus on what the life coach was saying, because I was too distracted by the fact that her face didn’t move.

In the limo on the way to the airport, Adrienne and Paul are still in disagreement over whether or not to attend the game. Adrienne doesn’t want to hide and feels it’s important to confront the situation directly. In the car they find out Troy has changed their suite last minute and Adrienne accuses Paul of masterminding the change, outraging Paul!

While Adrienne is being escorted to her private jet, Kyle is pooper-scooping the backyard – in heels. And her three-year-old daughter Portia, the poop detective, thinks it’s fun to help scout the poop. Ok, that was so cute and it makes me remember the Kyle we all loved before the infamous fight with Kim.

Adrienne reveals she has invited Kim to attend the game with them since she didn’t get to spend much time with her during Crazy Creek and she is worried that Kim isn’t aware of the security concerns. When they arrive at the airport Kim isn’t there and Adrienne is nervous about being late. When she calls Kim, Kim is totally confused about who this Adrienne person is. Doesn’t she have Caller ID or an address book in her phone?

When Kim finally gets that it’s that Adrienne she starts freaking out about power outages, and feeling horrible, and loving Adrienne, and being late, rambling about her hair being in a ponytail and she wants to look good in front of hot basketball players and fancy airports. Kim insists she’s leaving the house in 10 minutes and will be there soon! Paul is convinced Kim was wasted, but Adrienne thinks she was just getting over being sick. I think Kim might have a lot of anxiety and was worked up about attending the trip, which was out of her comfort zone. Kim tends to act really, really bizarre when she is nervous – or perhaps she was drunk?

Paul is very concerned about Kim being intoxicated (is Bravo alluding to something?) and is worried she won’t be there for an hour and a half, but Adrienne wants to wait since they are flying private, so they decide to have a drink. Hopefully Adrienne won’t miss the game!

Next week: We meet Brandi Glanville at Kyle’s charity cocktail party and all the ladies start to panic, cause she’s hot. She is? Lisa confronts Taylor about not eating. Adrienne is booed by fans when she arrives at the Kings game. And Taylor’s marriage makes news.

Thoughts on the episode? Do you think Bravo made a mistake in airing this season and keeping Taylor in the cast? Thoughts on Taylor’s meltdown? Do you think Kim was drinking or just feeling frazzled?