Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Recap: The Brandi Glanville Story – I left My Bikini At Home With My Roofies

On last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills a little bit fun and fancy came back to us as the ladies sans Taylor embarked on a trip to Hawaii. Luckily, Loony Lips’ drama wasn’t far behind as she called mid-beach to let everyone know she had ditched her hubs for greener pastures. Hey, I heard Mohammed is single! What about that Martin? Kim also missed the show, but Brandi was there in her stead and ready for a full-frontal close-up! That was some bikini!

Things begin as The White Party rages on! Moments after Kyle and co. have kicked Taylor and Russell out for threatening to sue Camille, the ladies reconvene in the all-white living room to break down the situation again for the umpteenth time. Is she or isn’t she? Lying that is! No one seems to know what to believe. Even Taylor’s BFF is pretty mute about the situation. Adrienne is still pretty pissed that Taylor involved the ladies in all this mess — which I’m pretty sure she thinks is nonsense. Only Dana readily believes her BFFL. Hey girl wants to stay on RHOBH!


Kim is simply relieved she wasn’t the drama in the limo this year, although for some odd reason she wonders if Kyle kicked Loony Lips out because she was drunk. Pot meet Kettle, perhaps!

Meanwhile in the limo, things are awkward between Russell and Taylor. I geuss the couple that lies together doesn’t always love each other! Russell keeps repeating that Camille has been spreading outright lies about him, while Taylor sort of hems and haws and brushes it off as not completely untrue. All in all, Russell didn’t seem all that upset about being thrown out of The White Party, whereas Taylor looked as if she wanted to rush from the limo screaming “Wait….. I don’t love him! I just thought he was rich. Let me in! Fat Burger FOREVER!”

Speaking of Fat Burger, poor Kyle was so upset she couldn’t even enjoy it! That’s when you know you’re sad. Oh, Fat Burger – thank goodness you returned! At last the ladies decide to pretend this whole Taylor thing never happened and start dancing to a mariachi band. Paul enquires about the trip to The Palms and warns the ladies no lip-locking with his wifey poo (ahem… Brandi). Kim and Kreepy Ken take over the dance floor with their funky chickens and their funky lip locks and everyone’s like ‘eeeewwww…can’t look away, but oh why?’ White hot those two were not.

The ladies clearly need a vacation after this arduous ordeal of shoving their so-called friends off the manor grounds, so off to Hawaii they go. And Lisa’s dressing gown. Oh my Phyllis Neffler. Oh my Over Board. I love a lady who can rock over the top fur. Taylor and Russell will, of course, not be attending. Also staying home despite his festive attire? Giggy! Thank goodness – I am so over that pom-cessory. I love most of Lisa’s furs – but Giggy is de trop.

Lisa is a bit sad about the Taylor sitch and she’s also a little perturbed that Kyle invited Brandi – whom she doesn’t even like. It’s called producer intervention, Vanderfabulous! And speaking of people Lisa doesn’t like, Ken ran into Cedric, who revealed he is now a lover life coach for a very very, very, very famous – most famous of all famous – interior decorators. Life Coach – Lisa scoffs while the rest of us gawk? More like life roach and I agree. I’m guessing he is providing live-in services. I wonder if his tale of woe has remained the same?

This trip will apparently be a mixed bag of crazy as Kyle reveals Kim and Ken will also be joining the gang. Everyone convenes at the airport and I love seeing the ladies’ travel attire. How chic is Cammie? She’s really turned it around since ditching old Kelsey hasn’t she? Her PR people have been good to her. Maybe she employed a life roach.

The ladies all pow-wow in the lounge enjoying snacks while they wait for their plane and the improbably tardy Kim. Speaking of Kim – guess what – she has an expired license, can’t find her passport and lied to Kyle about going to DMV to get a new license. The plane is boarding NOW, and Kim is at home, and her alarm never went off, and she can’t find her keys, and she has no clean underwear, and her hair dryer is broken, and the refrigerator is running, and she accidentally forgot to pay the cable bill, and a pterodactyl has landed in her kitchen, and aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!

Kim truly needs a crown that reads: “Excuses.” She definitely needs a life coach – instead it appears she has a life roach in the form of Ken. No one is surprised that Kim can’t get it together and they debate telling her the next flight boards at 3 instead of 6 so she’ll make it.

Whilst everyone else is contemplating mai tais vs. pina coladas and why Kim is so kooky, Taylor is visiting Dr. Charles Sophy – psychiatrist to the pseudo stars. These two congregate seemingly to set the tone to blame Russell for email-gate and for Taylor to file for the Big D. Le sigh.

Taylor is tired of being responsible for Russell’s behavior and managing his outbursts. Perhaps she shouldn’t have pursued him and begged him to marry her then! All of the sudden she doesn’t blame the ladies for anything, nope – all that nonsense in Malibu at Crazy Beach with the meltdown and Camille putting Kennedy Caroline at risk – over. It’s now all Russell’s fault. If Taylor can’t go to Hawaii for free, somebody’s gonna pay!

Dr. Sophy is shocked that Taylor and Russell did not discuss the email incident and that Russell did not apologize for his reaction. And suddenly the doc is questioning whether or not this relationship is good for Kennedy. I think we know where this is going! Speaking of which, how refreshing was the airport scene without Taylor’s attention vortex sucking everyone into her spiral of “me, me, me”? God – she’s like a walking Sweet Valley High book: Jessica Kyle And The Trouble With Toxic Friends.

Boarding the plane… first class – shi, shi; everyone is jubilant. No Kim, No Taylor. PAAARTAAAY! Kyle calls Kim for the check in and she is still scattered but apparently planning to be on the next flight. With Paul. Poor Paul. Adrienne smirks as she gives her beloved a call and warns him he’s in for some cray-cray on a plane round 2. Camille relaxes with 8” of freedom and Lisa quizzes Kyle about Kim’s relationship. Kyle is convinced Kim is miserable and just trying to pretend she is happy and in love yet Lisa warns her to let Kim be.

Meanwhile it’s Trains, planes and automobiles as the troupe of intrepid Housewives and Househusbands find themselves boarding the world’s scariest private jet to Lanai. Seriously – it was like a 7up can with a hibiscus painted on the side. I think it really was a series of welded together old cars with a propeller attached.

Kim didn’t miss the flight because Brandi was there in all her Kim-ness. Brandi is a very nervous flier who popped a Xanax (or 8) before boarding and whoa – was she loopy – and even more so on the bus. She just wants a cocktail and a beach or a cock and beach. And she just wants to know if Ken and Lisa love each other. And she just wishes it were still legal to roofie yourself. Is that too much to ask!?

At the hotel Brandi is still loopy and booby. Her dress is soooo low-cut it’s like nipslip extravaganza. Brandi is apparently still on Xanax and is also on Ken. Really just hanging on him like a cheap suit. Lisa finally warns that brazen hussy to back off and Kyle lectures old Kenny on staying out of trouble. Poor beleaguered Lisa is going to be forced to put out tonight to keep her man in check. Hopefully her hair won’t get too mussed.

I have to admit, Brandi is good fun and a laugh. She’s silly and campy and reminds me of BH last year – before Taylor and Kim absconded the show with their sad over-wrought drama. Bring back the fun, Beverly Hills! Was Brandi wearing a garter belt under her travel sundress? I swear I saw one peeking out.

While the ladies partake in sunset cocktail hour, which is code for drunken hot mess at the beach 2.0, Brandi observes that Kim’s man looks like a gay bull mastiff. No, no, not gay – just a bull mastiff, Lisa corrects. Kim doesn’t care – she has her own taste! Like, Mauricio isn’t that hot and her print shirt with the Laverne and Shirley tie so is!

Paul arrives the next morning and guess who is not with him? Kim! She is on a later flight. See, Paul took an earlier flight and Kim got stuck in the bathroom doing God knows what. So she either missed the flight or something — I couldn’t follow. Any hoodle – no Kim. Kyle is incensed. Adrienne is confused. Paul just wants some romantic time with his wife, who seems to want to avoid him and the beach at all costs possible. Was anyone else completely distracted by Adrienne’s hideous visor?

At the pool here comes Brandi in an itty-bitty crocheted bikini. Soooo itty-bitty it’s literally not there. Brandi and Camille lounge by the pool and beckon the pool boy to sprtiz them with sunscreen. Lisa wonders if it was possible for Brandi to have found smaller butt floss as Ken has a coronary staring Brandi down. Then, the group migrates the beach where Kyle and Mauricio are watching dolphins while Kyle stresses about Kim.

Lisa cannot get over Brandi’s bikini, which really is distractingly small and see-thru? Meanwhile, Kyle cannot get over Kim’s tardiness. And then Taylor calls. Oh Taylor – she just can’t be left out. She calls Lisa, whilst the group is on vacation celebrating Mauricio’s birthday to tell them her marriage is over. That one just loves being the center of attention something fierce!

She probably called from the airport. On her way to Lanai so she could ruin another beach party with her histrionics. I can see sprinting across the sand, lips flapping, yelling: ‘I ditched Russell – love me!!!!!!!!! Can I move in with you Lis?’

Predictably the ladies are shocked. And Kim is forgotten. Russell is moving out this weekend after Taylor asked him to leave, but they are on good terms. Way to ruin a vay-cay, Tay! Therapy Schmerapy!

Of course, Lisa and Kyle are supportive and Taylor just wishes they were there — for support. Who knows what to believe. Taylor is relieved to be away from Russell finally and if she truly was in a negative and unhealthy situation — good for her. Lisa and Kyle promise to call her as soon as they hit 90210 and I’m sure Taylor will be waiting there to grab the spotlight once again.

And next week: Brandi’s mini bikini’s continue! Mauricio and Kim get into it and Kim is MIA constantly. Then, Kim and Ken face off against Kyle. I guess vacation’s over for these girls!