Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills Recap: It’s Kim’s World & We’re All Just Living In It!

Last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills was fun except for the KimKyle-nanigans – that’s shenanigans by Kim and Kyle, if you can’t decipher the lingo. Kim, in addition to looking a hot mess and appearing hung over the entire trip also had Kyle taking every opportunity to argue with her; those two again managed to be completely inconsiderate to everyone, but luckily it ruined only Kyle’s good time.

Things start out on a high note with Adrienne and Paul hiking and holding hands. Double take! I love Paul in middle-aged tourist gear. All he needs is a fannypack to go with Adrienne’s “Visit The Palms, I need the money!” visor.

Kim finally arrives in Lanai! As for being late, “Oops” is all she has to say for herself. Kim is so excited to finally be there and unluckily gets placed in a room right next to Kyle. A frantic Kyle hears Kim’s voice and ignores Mauricio and margaritas(!) to eavesdrop on Kim. In the talking head, Kim states: “I chose to not *coke sniff* to talk to Kyle.” Nice.


All in all everyone seems relaxed and happy as they get ready for dinner. Kyle meets Lisa in her room and immediately tells her the gruesome twosome Kim and Ken have arrived and are in the room right next door to her own. Lisa wonders if Kyle will hear Kim and Ken humping. Oh lord — a visual NO ONE needs.

Speaking of humping – is that what Brandi was doing to Ken 1.0 when she said hello? And again Brandi with the nip slip. Get pasties and a bigger cup size. Lisa discloses that against her better judgment she actually likes Brandi and finds her funny. Me too, Lis! (That’s Taylor-talk for Lisa).

After finally arriving in Hawaii when the trip is almost over, Kim is late to dinner too. When Kyle questions why she is you know, two days late, Kim suddenly has a new reason — the retired Ken was working, except not really because that was a lie Kim made up since she didn’t feel like explaining about the whole lost passport/missing license thing. Like Kyle hasn’t already told everyone…

Oddly, Mauricio decides his birthday dinner is the perfect time to confront Ken 2.0 about whether or not he is really retired and if he was really working? Mauricio seemed kinda butt hurt about the lying. Ken declined to answer and Kim tells Kyle to stop worrying and enjoy herself.

Just when I think I can’t stand Kim, she comes back with a zinger. When Kyle spills that Taylor is leaving Russell, Kim quips – accurately – that it’s because loony lips social climber wants to come to the next dinner party. #Madprops!

Paul and Adrienne predict it will last two weeks before Taylor goes running back and Camille muses that Taylor is like the boy who cries wolf. Lisa protests that Taylor has never actually said their marriage was over before, but Camille quickly corrects her that Taylor actually said it while she was at her house. Busted. This new sassy and direct Camille is the best.

Meanwhile, Kyle is spending the entire party sulking over Kim. Lisa counsels Kyle to let it go and accept that she cannot change things. Kim is completely oblivious and instead is asking for coffee so Ken can stay up and rub her all night long. Is she trying to make people lose their dinner – what a way to keep the weight off!

Paul tries to turn things around by proposing a toast to his beautiful wife and a bashful Adrienne pecks him on the lips as a thank you. After getting harangued over her nun kiss, Adrienne lays a full on porno, behind closed doors tonguer on him and then wants to die of embarrassment. Yeah, a little much.

Kim continues to natter to Ken about nothing and pretends not to see Kyle’s death glare from across the table. Finally, Mauricio has had enough and proposes a toast to “truth.” Kim, Kyle, and Mauricio start screaming at each other about why exactly Kim was “36 hours late to a birthday party” and why she won’t just be honest about what happened. Everyone else is like oh great – another party ruined by Kim and Kyle. I loved Camille just sighing as she ate another bite of steak. Haha.

The next morning – or should I say mid-morning as it was 11:30 to be exact – everyone was in the bus waiting for who else? Kim! Kyle decides she cannot take it and Lisa and her decide to track down the wayward duo, who are holed up in their hotel room. After pounding on the door they climb onto Kim’s balcony from Kyle’s like a designer dressed Cagney & Lacey. And since we’re talking about lace; Lisa’s lace-clad butt gets stuck! Also, this episode was like an homage to 70’s fashions — caftans, lace palazzo pants, maxi dresses in crazy prints, wedges. Whoa!

After banging on the window and screaming, Kim finally comes to the window in the form of a ghostly hand, but won’t open it. Kyle and Lisa regroup and return to the front door, where Kim pretends not to know who it is. Finaaaaally she opens it refusing to let Lisa in (why?), but Lisa is not backing down as she yells at them to get their acts together. Can Tabatha take over Kim? She needs it! Kim and Ken apparently had alarm difficulties (it’s called wake up call from the front desk). They agree to come downstairs as soon as the can find Kim’s bikini bottom.

Kim and Ken take their own SUV to the catamaran and arrive just as the boat is pulling away form the dock. According to Kim, she’s a Marlin fisher and when you charter a boat you can make it wait as long as you want. Except the captain of The Trilogy – said catamaran featured in today’s episode – says it will take too long to turn around and he needs to proceed onward.

Kyle is bent out of shape about leaving Kim behind and is frantic over the situation, but Lisa patiently reminds her that at some point Kim has to suffer the consequences of her actions.

Kim is actually glad to have missed out on the boat and is happy to be back at the hotel getting loaded relaxing with shrimp cocktails. Are we sure that’s the only cocktail she ingested. Seriously what were those two talking about!? Did anyone follow? Kim rambles about how everything happens for a reason and she never gets to relax, then Ken pipes up that he is not letting anyone disrespect Kim tonight. He is tired of the jabs and he is not going to put up with it. Kim declares that they will always have each others’ backs even if they stay together.

On the boat everyone is having a blast poking at each others’ boobs and comparing whose are bigger (Camille for the win!). Then, Lisa unties Brandi’s bikini bottom almost exposing her vagina to the air! She seems like a bottoms up kinda of a girl, anyway. While everyone else snorkels, Lisa says if you want to see fish watch the science channel when you get home. Touché, Lisa.

While on the Trilogy, a trilogy of mean girls composed of Kyle, Lisa and Adrienne make fun of Brandi for flirting with the captain. “Any port in the storm,” Lisa asks? But she concedes that if you have Brandi’s body it’s a waste of time wearing clothes – particularly since it’s cellulite free. Brandi is well aware that she is now the hottie patottie and clearly is triggering Lisa’s memories of a by-gone era. Oh, but Brandi dear, sooner than you can say boo you will be Lisa’s age — enjoy every moment while it lasts!

After a deliciously Taylor free episode, here she comes accompanied by the suitable sad music for a woman who is leaving her husband. 3-2-1… Drama Vortex! Taylor laments that during the most difficult time of her life, her other friends have ditched her for Hawaii and now she’s stuck with “friend of the Housewives” B-List Pam. Ugh. At least she has turmeric and soy noodles! Or whatever that was.

Taylor interestingly has her hair over one eye the entire time. Is this the “proof” that’s supposed to make us eat crow? Or turmeric. Oh wait, on second inspection eye looks normal.

Dana pledges her support and Taylor reveals she has definitely left Russell after giving everything she has and recognizing there is no way they can be together. Taylor is very upset not to have her friends standing up for her right now and cries with no tears. Taylor seems to have forgotten her friends are standing up for her they just also have lives separate from her drama. The nerve of them! So, your marriage is over and you are worried about made for TV friends liking you? Ok, then!

Dana insists Taylor deserves all the ladies to love and adore her and think she is the greatest thing since sliced bread. Dana believes the ladies are alienating Taylor because of Russell and now that he is out of the picture the ladies will all welcome Taylor back with open arms.

Oh, Pam anything for relevance – how much does that cost and who makes it? Valentino? Prada? Gucci? Or your jeweler in the diamond district. Ok, I’m just being bitchy – Dana was being very caring and sincere and truly demonstrating that she cares about Taylor. That was very sweet. Also – good make-up, no?

Back in lanai, island of Kim’s lies and Kyle’s fury, the group congregates for their last evening together. Lisa wants to know what Kim and Ken, or Uncle Kenny as Paul calls him, did today? And Kim proceeds to spend the evening repeating over and over that “everything happens for a reason” and they had the best day.

Kim continues blowing off her incredible rudeness and then talks to Adrienne and Paul about how much she needed the day off. They ask how her relationship is going and Kim has nothing but good things to say until Ken barges in and cuts the conversation short, rudely accusing them of saying hateful things about him leaving everyone shocked – even Kim who defends his egregious behavior as just looking out for her. I hate to say it, but maybe Kyle is right about Ken being controlling.

At dinner he continues micromanaging Kim and tells her she doesn’t like brie, which she disputes. And while fussing with her shawl or whatever, she continues to be in denial about her rudeness on the trip as Kyle confronts her on missing everything and basically spending the trip in her hotel room. Really, why can’t Kyle do this later? Clearly Kim is a wreck and Kyle needs to detach and be the reasonable one here.

Kim has a whole host of confused mis-phrased expressions to describe Kyle confronting her over missing the flight and everything else: she’s picking a bone, being an eggbeater and crawling up a tree, but all Kyle wants is for Kim to apologize and admit she was rude. Seriously though time and place, ladies!

Kim is annoyed that Kyle is harping on her and starts lecturing Kyle for driving while talking on a cell phone and suddenly it becomes a fight about riding in cars together, and what if Kim was a child molester, and how they don’t hang out. Ken decides he doesn’t care and tells Kyle so, and the two bail out. Scram is right! Kyle’s face when Ken said “We don’t care.” AMAZING.

Kyle immediately implodes and freaks out about Kim, with Lisa reminding her that she cannot change Kim, especially with Ken being her new ally. Kyle is in despair about the big elephant in the room and doesn’t seem to notice that her drama queen antics have ruined her husband’s birthday dinner. Le sigh.

Brandi is the surprising voice of reason, recognizing that Kim definitely needs help, is crying out, and isn’t ready to accept that she has a problem. She also recognizes that Ken is an enabler and reminds Kyle to wait until Kim asks for help. Things end with an emotional Kyle wondering what to do about Kim.

Next Week: Lisa opens SUR, Kim and Kyle continue to melt down, and Cedric shows up. And suspicions arise over Taylor’s supposed black eye, but it seems Adrienne and Camille still aren’t buying it. As we count down to the finale who’s ready to consider a “crow” recipe, because here comes the “proof.” #stillnotbuyingit. It was in fact her classless Tweet about eating crow that makes me suspect her most of all…

Watch What Happens Live: Oh Anderson Cooper – how much do I love thee? Also joining him is Camille – who surprisingly I also love – although the side ponytail not so much. The drinking game word is “Grammer.” Anderson is very confused about what rock Ken 2.0 crawled out of and Anderson wonders about Bravo’s make-up budget to enhance Ken’s hair.

Anderson wonders what was going on in the hotel room du Kim and Ken and questions if some Percocet was on the floor? I loved how Andy just quickly moved on while Camille giggled. These two are quite funny together.

Camille is up first in “Plead The Fifth” and she wisely pleads the fifth on revealing her new boyfriend’s sexual abilities! Anderson reveals he would hire Adrienne to journalism it up with him. Camille tactfully answers about Kyle‘s response to Kim‘s behavior, but Anderson calls Kyle and Mauricio out for “stirring the pot.”

Anderson is up next for “Plead the Fifth” and says the Kardashians are the guests he does not want on his talkshow. Um… good call, Silver Fox. The notoriously discrete Anderson also reveals that his freak number is a mere one. The game is Grammer School – Camille certainly does have very expressive shoulders. Poor Anderson gets embarrassed big time in the literature category with a sample of his mom’s book! Camille wins! Ok – these last two WWHL were super fun!

Andy debuts the first installment of Sandrology with Sandra Bernhard who is holding court in the WWHL bar and she is apparently the Carl Sagan of bitchy or something. That whole thing rates a big ol’ meh from me.

Poll Question: Who has the best bikini bod? And Camille wins. No surprise there. 🙂