On last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Orange County there were bombs over Coto. Gretchen Rossi took the stage – or rather was hoisted up there – and bombed. And Vicki Gunvalson received a news bomb that rendered her speechless for the very first time in television history. Really, has anyone ever seen Vicki speechless? Cause I haven’t. The theme of this episode might as well of been ‘Surprise! By Vicki Gunvalson’ because she had all sorts of emotions we’ve never seen before…

Well, it finally happened. Gretchen put on her sequined leotard, hopped on stage, and belted her little song out. She did it in the same manner as a drunk sorority girl at a karaoke bar – she just screamed it into the mic and didn’t even bother with that whole being in tune thing. Right after Alexis Bellino prayed to our Lord Jesus to give Gretchen a voice and a miracle, the World Renowned Dance Troupe known as The Pussycat Dolls took the stage to shove their twats in people’s faces. They’re right up there with the NY Ballet, didn’t you know.

Tamra Barney, whose front row seat gave her quite the eye-full, can now deliver a baby, perform a pap smear, and administer a Brazilian wax all after a five minute performance. The funniest thing about the show was Vicki and Alexis being completely in denial about their significant other’s enjoyment of the PCD gyrations and thrusts. Vicki claimed good ol’ boys from the south have never seen such things. Oh yeah… huh.

Apparently Jim Bellino was just having an awful time! Just the worst. I mean he’d rather be at the church sewing circle. I mean ugh, there were drinks and pussy cat dolls and scantily clad pussies, oh my! I mean, no straight red-blooded man would be interested in that sort of thing. He’d much prefer to be home on the sofa watching HGTV, snuggled up next to Alexis, wearing her breathe-right strip. He was only there as a supportive partner. Uh huh. We all know Jim is not about sin city. I mean he hates vanity, gluttony, greed, sloth, and pride!


Well, Gretchen sang her song and it was pretty much death to my ear drums. I just focused on her outfit and tried to un-hear the American Idol audition reject sounds in the background. For a really amusing time, imagine Simon Cowell’s comments following the performance. You know, good for Gretchen for pretending she was Cher for an evening, but she should really stick to Gretchen Christine Bootay Make-up slinging! Well, at least this storyline is over – right?

Slave Smiley is so impressed – this is a really big career boost for him, oh whoops Freudian slip – he meant Gretchen. He’s really excited by the prospects it’s going to bring him. Oh, damn – did it again. No him, Gretchen. Again, just a reminder – he doesn’t work for her.

After the show the ladies all meet up for an afterparty. This is when things get really awkward, because everyone just slammed Gretchen‘s performance – save for Alexis, I might add – and now they all have to go make nice and pretend it was worthy of the Superbowl Halftime. In perhaps one of the top ten strangest events in RHOC history, Vicki hugs Gretchen, tells her how proud she is, and – wait for it… APOLOGIZES! Yes – she sure did! She said I’m sorry and here’s a gift.

After administering her sorrys, Vicki just stands there waiting, waiting, waiting… you know, for an apology back. Gretchen‘s, like, really busy with the tissue paper in the gift bag and apparently can’t multitask. When Vicki can’t take it anymore she’s like, ‘Where’s my apology bitch! That’s how these things work – I say sorry then you say sorry! This is like kindergarten politics here!’ Gretchen still doesn’t apologize. She says “Thanks,” instead. Hey, at least Tamra was impressed by Vicki’s effort!

Gretchen doesn’t want to apologize, cause she’s, like, not sorry and Vicki deserved it. Oh, and Alexis is a bad friend cause she didn’t give Gretchen a gift. Except she did. She supported Gretchen’s singing, complimented her performance, and didn’t suggest she get a coach or brag that The Pussycat Dolls asked her first but she was too busy making hard-boiled eggs to do it.

Then Slave gets up to propose a toast about how well he, I mean Gretchen, did and I didn’t hear anything he said because I was too focused on the Gretchen’s mom’s facial expressions. See, Gretchen made a little joke about Slave and proposals and her mother practically exploded. If looks could kill, if looks could kill…

Another thing that happened – and I shouldn’t even mention this – is that Sarah Winchester, desperate for camera time, did apologize to Vicki for the bowling night fiasco. And Vicki did not apologize back! But she did graciously accept Sarah’s pleas for forgiveness.

The next morning Vicki, Tamra, Brooks Ayers, and Eddie Judge are playing Blackjack. Heather Dubrow and her hubby join them. Tamra gives Vick’s props for the apology, but Vicki is still totally appalled that Gretchen didn’t apologize and is practically levitating she’s so furious. Everyone just sits there awkwardly like uhhh… ok. Heather comments that she has to go catch a plane – what no helicopter? – and she’ll see them back in the OC. I’m pretty sure they edited out the scene of Terry Dubrow and Heather backing slowly away and then fleeing once Vicki was distracted by her free cocktail.

Back in her hotel room, Gretchen has just woken up. And that’s a whole lotta make-up first thing in the morning! I couldn’t stop staring at the Tammy Faye Baker eyes. That is NOT a good way to advertise your wears, Gretch! Slave is telling Gretchen how important it is to have a career that you love, telling her she is a natural, and then advertises the fact that he has never worked a day in his life. I’m sure Michelle Arroyo loved hearing that.

Back in the OC, Vicki is busy, busy, busy. She’s putting her second house on the market – the one Slave was renting after his home got foreclosed on. Remember, it was the one Jeana Keough sold her that pretty much caused the demise of their friendship? Anyway, she’s touring the property with Brooks, who has dollar signs in his eyes. She’s upset imagining all the dreams she had for this house and all the money lost.

Brooks is supportive, which means whipping out a Hallmark card or 10 and quoting them. These two only speak in Greeting Card lingo. It’s really odd, it’s like they’ve memorized entire sections of Nicholas Sparks novels and they just recite them to each other. It must be so odd when your entire relationship is an inspirational message.  I think Brooks and Vicki should just screw insurance and open up a Greeting Card company. I can just see the informercials now…

Alexis, taking this whole newscastering thing seriously, heeds Gretchen‘s advice and goes to visit a coach. Shhh… don’t tell Jim! The coach pretty much spells it out for Lex: You really suck at this, you look like a corner hooker, and you can barely put two words together without stumbling or saying, um. So basically just write me a check and I’ll waste a few days telling you you’ve improved before sending you on your way.

I will say, at least Alexis was receptive, even if the criticism was hard to hear. And she seemed to be taking it seriously and working hard to improve things. And I I think this coach has her own show on her hands – ala Tabatha Coffey,  because she did not mince words and she did not hesitate to rip Alexis a new one for shoving her boobs in people’s faces on television. Which is much needed information that I hope Alexis will use wisely. Didn’t her mother ever teach her about leaving a little something to the imagination?

The coach instructs Alexis that she should be driving this bus and she needs to steer it with control. Alexis truly took the words to heart and gave us a visual of her hands at 10 and 2 steering the bus with conviction. She can drive this bus, darnnit, and she will! Alexis as a bus driver… I don’t think Jim wants her to have another career…

And speaking of Alexis and buses; she’s about to be thrown under one metaphorically speaking! Is that not the worst catchphrase in reality TV? Anyway, Heather, Terry, Slave, and Gretch go on a double-date, where the subject is douchebags (Slave) and phonies (Alexis). Terry and Heather call Alexis phony and wonder what her deal is. And Gretchen proceeds to agree, say Alexis is fake, and accuse her of not being supportive of her new friendship with Tamra.

Really, Gretchen – you’re one to talk. I mean, Alexis is phony but who on this show isn’t? On the positive, Heather and Terry are an adorable couple, despite their arrogance, and seem genuinely in love. Gretchen and Slave were practically gagging they were sucking-up so hard to the rich, stylish powercouple with hopefully no skeletons in their closets!

Proving that she’s more than just a bad friend with questionable taste in men, she’s also delusional, Gretchen announces her plans to appear on Broadway. She said this seriously! Now it is officially confirmed that it is Gretchen who needs the head exam and IQ test – not Lex. Ok, maybe they both do but I guess I always erroneously considered Gretchen the dumb and Alexis the dumber.

Also, noteworthy was Slave‘s announcement that he is well aware of his crown as world’s biggest douche bag. At least he can admit it! Wear that crown, Slave, and wear it well!

Tamra visits her son Ryan‘s new apartment. Apparently Tamra isn’t the only one thriving since the split with Simon and Ryan is working with Eddie and doing phenomenally well. Ryan has some seriously minimalistic decor – as in he owns no furniture and everything is blinding white. Tamra takes him furniture shopping where Ryan seems to turn down borrowing money from his mom for a new sofa. Color me impressed!

Finally, it’s a very different type of bomb on tonight’s episode. See, Gretchen bombed in her performance and Briana Wolfsmith dropped a huge bomb on Vicki. We finally meet Briana’s hubs, Ryan Culberson – and he’s cute and seems sweet. Except for one little thing… he whisked Briana away to Vegas and they got married in a drive-thru chapel and he DID NOT ask for Donn or Vicki’s permission!

Briana announces to Vicki that although they do want a wedding, they decided to be spontaneous and go ahead and get hitched! Vicki is literally speechless. Like, her mouth was just hanging open and she had no words. She chugs her martini. And then tells us she is disgusted and horrified and she’s never been so furious in her life. “You don’t take my girl to Vegas and put her through a drive-thru,” she snaps.

Interestingly, Vicki blames herself for the decision – claiming her poor marital role modeling is what led Briana to make an impulse decision, which she worries may have been motivated by fear following Briana’s health scare. Vicki wants them to get the marriage annulled and start over, doing things the right way.

Now, I know everyone is going to say Vicki, again, made this all about her. And she did and Briana was right – had she told Vicki her plans, Vicki would have been relentless. But Briana is Donn Gunvalson and Vicki’s only daughter and they are kinda traditional people. And she was shocked. And Briana sprang this on her on camera. Rough break.

Next week: Vicki hosts some sort of gala that goes horribly awry when she springs Brooks on Briana. Slave asks Gretchen’s dad for permission to propose, except Gretchen doesn’t want to support him for the rest of her life and doesn’t want to get married!

[Photo Credit: Martin LePire/BRAVO]


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