Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap: Hoochie Coochie; Crack Is Wack!

Last night was the season premiere of Real Housewives of Atlanta – and so far, I'm liking things. We checked in with all the housewives, where we learned that the more some people change, the more they stay the same! And we unfortunately met new Housewife, Kenya Moore.

She made a helluva a first impression – I now totally associate Kenya with "coochie crack." Here's how she introduced herself: She yelled "coochie crack" at the top of her lungs about 20 times, then screamed 'SECURITY!' like she was some sort of A-Lister up there with Victoria Beckham. Right, so this one's a live-wire! 

Things begin with the very, very rich Ms. NeNe Leakes, who is channeling Bret Michaels realness with that bandana. Surprisingly Greggalicious is also part of the equation. He's fetching her mail and begging her for some love. My how the tables have turned now that NeNe holds the keys – and the wallet! NeNe is playing coy about rekindling things with Gregg. C'mon – you know these two are meant to be and I sort of love them together. 

NeNe explains that she's also been method acting and exuding her inner Kim Zolciak by practicing trailer living on the set of The New Normal. And our first kapow of the season. I have so missed my NeNeisms. 


Moving on, Kandi Burruss is innnn love and we meet Todd. Oh, Todd. He's cute, he loves Kandi and she is GLOWING! She looks gorgeous, happy, and relaxed. The couple has been together for a year and they just bought a house together. And they want babies – after a wedding of course. And just what name do they want for their hopefully-coming-soon-new son? Kash. Well, well – what have we here?!? 

I'm not sure if you're aware, but a certain lady who just had a baby and who happens to wear wigs and also happens to be on RHOA (at least temporarily) and also happens to be named Kim and is friends with Kandi just named her son KASH. This is like Seinfeld. Remember George and the name Seven and then his friends stole it. So what think we: random coincidence or name thievery. #housewivesproblems

And speaking of ol' Kim. There she is in all her glory, pregnant, acting crass-y in her borrowed mansion and blaming others for being evicted. And she's talking trash about her parents right out of the gate. Bravo is really doing her a solid so far. Her opening storyline is eviction!

KJ is turning one and 'Nana and Pop' (aka Kim's parents) haven't seen him but they sent a birthday card with a $25 check, which Kim disdainfully tosses aside, dismissing them for not having "much." It disappoints me that Kroy Biermann is either stooping to her level, was always really gross, or is really blinded by his um… love for Kim. 


Anyway, the other thing going on in Casa de renta-Biermann is that the Biermanns have been evicted and now allegedly owe their decorator/landlord Kendra a lot of kash! Kim doesn't want to move, though and wheedles with Kroy about paying too much for the house and staying put. Or just not vacating because she is now seven months pregnant, they have a couple weeks to get out, and nothing has been packed. 

Kim has Sweetie re-employed (Really, Sweetie?) and they are getting quotes for movers. The quotes are coming in at a ridiculous $100,000 – and I'm not sure why Kim can't pack a box. She claims not even Donald Trump would pay that much. But would his protégé the very, very rich Ms. Leakes?

I moved at six months pregnant and you better believe it was U-Haul and me shoving my own lamps in a box. I guess Kim better be calling up Thee Guys and A Truck again and stop pretending she's never heard of them like she's some sort of princess living in a tower of gold and diamonds. Please – like NeNe reminded us – we know where you came from! #BigPoppa'sHouse. And apparently that's where she'll be returning to! 

And onto Phaedra Parks, Attorney at Law and Mortician-in-Training, she has her eyes set on four-legged friends. As her dream of owning the Vera Wang of phuneral homes expands, Phaedra wants to offer her services to all of a family's loved-ones. Even pets! She hits up a local vets office in the hopes of securing an exclusive contract to bury their deceased patients if the family is interested. Do dogs get horse-drawn caskets too?

Over at Cynthia Bailey's house she's in the throes of what appears to be a fabricated domestic drama. Cynthia's daughter Noelle is in her teens and hates school. Don't all teenagers hate school? She doesn't want to go and feels sad in the morning when she leaves. Cynthia wants her daughter to be homeschooled, but Noelle's father thinks she needs to keep going to school and possibly a different school if she's unhappy. 

They decide to ask Noelle what she wants and she's like, 'no effing way do I want to be stuck in this house all day with my mom and creepy step-dad' and she wants to go to school. 

And finally Kenya makes her first appearance. And right of the bat she is giving me an ick vibe. Kenya, oh, Kenya – a legend in her own mind. She meets Miss Lawrence for lunch to discuss why he's so skinny and she's so fabulous. Kenya isn't from Atlanta and has lived in LA for twelve years but she's always been close friends with Lawrence who appears to know nothing about her and is in this for the camera time. He does look good, but did he get "work" done?

Kenya plops down, tosses her hair back, and airily begins a monologue about her fabulosity. It includes being wildly rich and successful, well known, the possessor of a 4000 square foot house she lives in by her lonesome, how she was engaged a mere six times but was only in it so she could pawn the ring later could never make it down the aisle, and how she is now dating some sort of awkward-looking mogul who better propose and knock her up like yesterday! 

Kenya also really likes her butt and herself and she works out constantly and everyone wants to be like her and look like her and flaunt it on the cover of Stuff Magazine. And she hasn't talked to her mom in forever but is close to her aunt who lives in Atlanta. 

Maybe it's me, but I can't stand when the Housewives brag about how many times they've been engaged and how "allegedly" rich they are. And after all that Kenya, I need a break.

Luckily we're about to score with a real estate tour as Kim is coerced into checking out Kandi's new home. Let's discuss Kim in this scene for a moment, shall we. Was she rude enough? Spiteful enough? Did Kim perhaps get a little green-eyed that she doesn't have as much green as Kandi? 

Kim complains right out of the gate – literally. She complains that only ONE entry gate opens for her upon her arrival. Does Kim, perhaps want a parade? A money tree to star shedding it's leaves upon her car? Kim is like the Trojan Horse. She shows up under the impression that this is a good thing but then she's dropping evil nibblets off her tongue the moment she arrives. Kandi keeps her cool – and knows what's up. 

Kim then calls Kandi's neighborhood "ghetto," insisting she had to lock her car doors when she got off the freeway. Excuse me, if Kandi's house is ghetto then my house is a shanty made of cardboard and duct tape. City living, baby! Kim also complains that Kandi bought her house on foreclosure. Kandi, on the other hand, is proud of her good business sense. And at least she isn't going to have to hawk her ex-lover's crap to pay for moving costs. 

As Kim takes the tour she complains about the inground pool, the master bedroom, how big it is, and every aspect of Kandi's decor. Including that Kandi hasn't gut renovated before she moved in. This house tour makes me love Kandi more and more. I love how she never tries to prove anything to anyone.

Kim then wonders how much it cost Kandi to move – Kandi paid a regular old movers $58/hour and packed her own boxes. You could practically hear Kim sneer. Kim might chip a nail using packing tape! Kim is what ladies of a certain age in the south call "High fallutin" and she needs to fall off that rented pedestal right quick. Apparently a little ol' thing like a public eviction does little to penetrate the hubris of the delusional. 

Kim is also resentful that at seven months pregnant she had to leave the house to support a friend. Kim has wigs to style and Panera Bread to scarf – she's a busy woman! 

Next up, NeNe is flaunting her success as she meets up with Ryan Murphy to talk The New Normal. So NeNe Leakes now puts her Birkin on the ground. I thought it was bad luck to put your purse on the ground, so she told us last year? Maybe she's so rich now she doesn't need to worry about good financial luck. She and Kandi should start a beleaguered Housewives bailout fund. Kim and She by SheBroke – step right up! 

NeNe seems happy, but also (dare I say it!) slightly humbled by her new success; she is almost giddy. And something about making it has possibly made her think about what matters as she coyly mentions that she might just be dating the person she just divorced. NeNe and Gregg can't quit each other.

Having fun, NeNe and Ryan decide to call Tyler Perry. NeNe has his number in her phone. Unfortunately she was denied as Tyler's number has been disconnected. NeNe might be big news, but she's not THAT big yet. She and Tyler burst out laughing – and I like this new NeNe. Less bitter, less spiteful, less full of herself. Let's hope she stays that way. 

And finally, Kenya gets her moment to shine. This lady is either CRAZY or she knows how to get camera time in a big, big way. Let's break it down. 

So Cynthia is still working hard at The Bailey Agency. She's hosting a model search for JET Magazine's woman of the week. Kenya for some godforsaken producer-insistent reason is assisting with the search and sitting on the judging panel. She is a hot. mess. 

The girls all have to wear bikinis for the audition. Kenya is talking over everyone, talking about how great she, the former Miss. USA, is, yelling out insulting things at all the girls, telling them they're fat, ugly, looking cheap – whatever. It's not constructive criticism, it's rudeness. Cynthia keeps trying to tactfully redirect and make a benign comment like you're a pretty girl, thanks for coming. The JET editor looked appalled. The celebrity guest looked appalled (and kept inching farther away from Kenya). 

Then this girl comes out in an uber revealing bikini that was a little too lowcut in the bottom department but it was no RHOM blurry edges scenes. Kenya starts berating this girl about her crack being out, her bikini line not being shaved, screaming over and over about how she doesn't need to see "coochie crack" and especially when her bikini line isn't ready and how this girl can go to Target and get an appropriate swim suit. 

Let's put it this way: If I had a dollar for every time I heard "coochie crack" last night I might be buying NeNe's used Birkin. Kenya just went on an on; like a crazy person screaming and ranting "coochie crack." Then Cynthia's assistants come over to tell her that maybe she could tone it down a bit and use more constructive criticism to avoid hurting the girls' feeling since most of them are not professional models. 

Kenya, miss high and mighty, will not hear of it. She starts screaming at Cynthia's assistant to get away from her, shut up, calls him a bitch and then screams: "SECURITY! SECURITY!" and this guy comes and moves Cynthia's assistant away. Yes, Kenya "Who are you again?" Moore travels with security because "people are psycho." Present company included apparently. Present company meaning herself. 

If I were Cynthia I would have asked Kenya's security to remove her from the equation and if I were Carlton I might just call the police on that broad and her "security" detail. I mean this lady is a nut. 

Cynthia was classy about it. She explains there needs to be some rules and that is HER agency and she is in charge, so Kenya better shut. it. Which she doesn't. When the finalists come in Kenya stands up, starts clapping, and launches into a speech about what brave girls they all are. How powerful and strong, an inspiration to women everywhere, paragons of our species. Just like she, former Miss. USA and cover model for FHM is. Cynthia is then awkwardly forced, as hostess, to stand up and make an announcement that unfortunately is reduced to sounding similarly. 

For a so called professional and classy woman, Kenya obviously went to same etiquette school as Marlo Hampton! Oh, Cynthia. You are too, too patient. Too patient indeed. 

And that was it. It seemed over so fast!I want Moore Krazy. Or do I? I guess next week I'm in luck as NeNe comes face-to-face with both Kenya and Kim

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