Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap: Pole-er Opposites


Last night while watching Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, I came to an important realization. I now understand why these women never eat and how they manage to stay so thin. If every time you sat down at a dinner table a massive fight broke out wouldn't you have dinner-induced trauma and be reduced to guzzling wine instead? They probably all go home and stuff microwaved popcorn in their faces while standing over the kitchen sink and ruminating about the days before they sold their souls to Bravo. But hey – at least those size 2s fit! 

Yesterday's episode was more of the same. Same arguments, same players, same storyline, same snarky recapper wanting to hurl things at the screen.  It started out OK, as it always seems to, but then quickly degenerated into the congealed, fetid remains of last night's dinner. Even Yolanda Foster was reduced to drinking tequila. 

Most of the girls were in Vegas watching in awe as Brandi Glanville's legs twined around a stripper pole and slid gracefully to the floor. "Welcome to Night School For Girls!" she announced popping up with 3/4 of her boob also popping out. Splits Richards makes an important mental note to have Mauricio hypnotized into thinking Brandi is a revolting, wretched, shit-stirring drama queen again. He must not fall under her spell!


In truth though, all the girls were great sports and for the most part fully embraced the stripper workouts and supported Brandi in her new endeavor. Marisa Zanuck had her pouty 'I'm not sexy because I'm smart and successful and everybody knows one cannot be sexy, smart, and successful, right Lisa Vanderpump?' moment. 

Lisa and Yolanda were pole dance naturals. Yolanda had some serious concerns about pee-pees (a term I haven't heard since I was under 6) leaking or something, but then she was straddling that pole like it was a Grammy award. Yolanda wants insurance that she will most definitely be the last of David's wives. And good for her and Lisa – those ladies put their upper-crusty sides overthere and really got into it.

And good for Kyle, she stopped attention seeking, let bygones be bygones and was sweet to Brandi. Or perhaps she just realized there is a new splits in town, and she better not fight for the title with a pair of 16 feet gazelle legs. Splits Glanville please accept your crown. And Splits Richards – well you'll always be Splits to me. 

Meanwhile back in the Real BH, Taylor Armstrong is still MIA (Sad? Nope, not me!) but Kim Richards and Adrienne Maloof have returned to the camera. Kim is getting this nose job done come hell or high water. So we get some delightful close-ups of the inside of Kim's nose stuff as the plastic surgeon is doing his damage.

Before she went under it suddenly occurred to Kim that she never even told Kyle she was copying her faux-schnoz and getting surgery. 'Like when?' Kyle wants to know from the limo in Vegas. 'Ummm… like 15 minutes – I'm on the table right now!' Kim says. 'Do you think I'm gonna die? Should I go through with it?' Kyle's like, 'Sure go ahead, I mean I've always hated your nose. Call me when you're done.' 

Meanwhile everyone else is concerned that A) Kim just announced unbeknownst to everyone that she is slicing off a portion of her nose; B) She's a recently recovering addict who probably shouldn't be taking pain meds; C) Kyle is summarily blasé about the whole thing except to complain that Kim waited until the last minute to tell her and worrying that she's going to be alone. 

More on Kim later, but the post-surgery shots are rough looking. Luckily she looks a lot better now. 


From Kim's plastic surgery repose we are greeted by the lovely Adrienne and her beloved, Paul. Apparently Adrienne is a busy a woman – too busy managing lawsuits and lies successful businesses to cavort with the likes of Brandi and her stripper pole, which Adrienne denounces as trashy. Not apparently trashy: generic handbags directly copied from other designers. Screw Louis Vuitton you can have an AM monogrammed bag made of 100% Chinese plastic. Oh gee – can I really? It's perfect to puke into when these broads annoy me. 

Yeah, so Adrienne is branching out into the handbag market because the Maloof Hoof was such a raging triumph. Yay for bargain shoppers everywhere because I imagine these will be rolling out at Big Lots very soon!  Adrienne's distributor refers to them as "Maloofalicious." More like Maloof-vomitious! Whatevs – to each their own. 


Then Adrienne drops by Paul's office to demand he have laser hair removal. Paul complies believing that might thaw his wife into loving him again. Paul – a zombie mummified plastic surgery bot is incapable of love. Have you never seen Austin Powers? As he undergoes the hair removal, Adrienne cackles with glee and tells the aesthetician if Paul isn't screaming in pain, it's not working.

Oh good lord – it was like One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest with Adrienne acting as the evil Nurse Ratchet in charge of the shock treatment machine. Anyway, Paul survived – their marriage did not. But hopefully other lovely ladies are getting to take advantage of his now hairless back as he sits poolside at the Beverly Hills Polo Club!

Back in Vegas things are starting to fall apart. It's that damn dinner table that did them in. All the ladies gather for a little aperitif and argument session which is when the flambé really blows up. Tensions begin to mount outside the door with Kyle and Camille Grammer seeming to dread entry into Brandi's quarters. Was it Brandi's quarters? Where was this dinner happening?

Yolanda, perhaps having a premonition of catastrophe, has a tequila. When a lady switches from the blood of lambs mixed with lemon juice to tequila you know things are doomed. Yolanda really enjoys her poison apparently! 

Marisa spills red wine all over her dress and starts to panic. She won't let anyone touch her and it was a bit of Carrie moment with her freaking out like she just spotted blood. She insists Barbara Streisand has taught her the secrets to avoiding stains on white clothing. Barbara does laundry? 

Yolanda didn't bother to explain whether or not Babs had stain treated anything at Casa de Foster over Grammys and piano time, but she did proffer up a lemon which mysteriously appeared from her pocket. 'Here,' she advised. 'Try this – it's magic.' Her eyes glowed and the air twinkled above her. Kyle snapped her fingers in Marisa's face and hissed that she is supposed to be on her side and Marisa raced to the sink with the white wine. I hope it was 2-buck-chuck from Trader Joe's and not some $100 glass of chardonnay. 

Over drinks there is also talk of Camille's past acting career which consisted of softcore, or by Camille's definition R-rated with sock. Oh, Camille…

Then we discuss Kim's surgery. Jennifer Giminez, Brandi's friend, points out that it probably isn't a good idea for Kim to be going under the knife so newly sober because well, pain killers are addictive too! Kyle doesn't like that answer so she puts her hands over her ears and sings lalalalalala until Yolanda gets impatient and changes the subject. 

Drama opens with the first course: tomato turrine. Camille, forgetting she was supposed to be reformed, mentions that it feels wrong to be in Vegas without Adrienne. Apparently – well according to Kyle, omnipotent narrator – Vegas is "Adrienne's town." Camille tries to purloin Lisa by saying Adrienne was hurt about Pandora not having her bachelorette party at The Palms and everyone watching simultaneously screams at the TV "OH FOR GOD'S SAKE!"

Lisa clutches the leg of the table to restrain herself and Brandi handily points out that Mrs. Mapuke-Nasty only owns like 2% of the freaking Palms. I mean Joe Francis probably owns more of Vegas than the Maloofs. Pointing out the obvious to this group does not go over well. 


An argument erupts. Everyone is incensed that Brandi said that. Brandi responds with "She is SUING me!" 'She is suing me!" is Brandi's answer to everything! 'Is my dress ugly?' 'She is SUING me!' Ok then. We all know Adrienne is suing Brandi. Well everyone seems to know this but Adrienne judging from next week's previews, but I digress. Back to Camille and the little shit stirrer that emerged from the tunnel and could! It's nice to have the old Cammie back, eh! 

Brandi brings up that one of her many issues with Adrienne is that last season she called her demanding that she join in the verbal gang rape of Lisa on the RHOBH reunion. Brandi was afraid or something so she called Camille for advice. Brandi makes Jennifer recount the story because in case you didn't know Adrienne is suing her. 

Brandi insists Camille was aware of the planned attack and although she wasn't sharpening her stilettos and getting ready to gouge any eyes out with eyeliner, she was aware that atomic perfume was being prepared and aimed at Lisa's fabulosity. Camille denies it and things get heated while the food gets cold. 

Camille says that she only advised Brandi to "Speak your truth," but Brandi insists the truth is actually that Camille is an l-to-the-iar about what she knew. Was anyone waiting Brandi to quote Camille and drop a "You said it."? #S1flashbacks Camille gets upset and stomps away from the table saying she is not going to argue with Brandi, even though she like totally could. 

Kyle chases after her and shoves her back into the room. Then she jumps into the I-love-Adrienne argument. Is Adrienne blackmailing them? Is she going to have Bernie release photos of them beating Adrienne if they don't follow her orders?

Yolanda is bored. “What business is that of yours?" she chastises Kyle, calmly taking a sip of her drink. Then Yolanda reminds everyone that Adrienne chose not to be here, so it's her fault she missed out on pole dancing and drama. Marisa sits quietly fretting about her dress. Lisa as an about-face to Kyle totally defends Brandi relaying that people judge you based on what you have to hide. 

Camille is obviously still in defense-bot mode for her dear, dear friend Adrienne because she leaps on Lisa to ask who owns her restaurant, SUR. Lisa is like, 'Um… me. I own 51% and I've never denied it a day in my life, slag. I see Adrienne is leading you astray in your info.' Check mate! 

Camille says Lisa insulted Adrienne's shoes. "SHHHHHHHHH…" Yolanda hisses trying to silence the annoying drone of cacophonous yammering.

Yolanda advises everyone to stop being so ridiculous and Camille yells at her to stop being rational because like that's not how this show here works. Then Yolanda stands up to leave because her private jet is waiting and she's done with this. 'Well ladies, it's been… I need a shower,' she says and struts out. 

As Camille leaves, Brandi stops her in the hallway and asks her why she lied about Adrienne's intentions. Camille, being backed into a corner by a 10 foot-tall glamazon, admits that she lied because she felt put on the spot. 'So sue me,' she snipes at Brandi. To which Brandi replies: 'Who do you think I am, Adrienne Maloof?' and hikes up her dress a little more. 

With that we return defeated and purloined to Beverly Hills where Kim is recovering nicely and drama-free, until Kyle arrives in her Little Mermaid jumpsuit. She should so stop taking fashion advice from Adrienne

Kim reassures us all and says she's on narcotic-free painkillers, then Kyle gives her a reason to regret that as she regales her with the tale of Adrienne Vs. Brandi Round 100. While I do agree that Brandi needs to stop blurting out rude and irrelevant information, she won't so what to do?

Kim channels Alison DuBois and calmly whips out an electronic cigarette. "I can tell you when this argument is gonna die…" she says, smiling slyly. 

At Lisa's drama is being debriefed similarly. Pomeranians are dispatched and Ken settles in to hear the latest tale of woe. Lisa is distraught that with all the friendship dramas and messes, Kyle only fails to defend Lisa – and instead has chosen to be the protector of Adrienne. Lisa worries their friendship can't be salvaged.

Kyle feels this is Lisa's fault for always carte blanche defending Brandi. Kyle fails to understand that she similarly always defends Adrienne

And after all that I need a giggitini. Does Lisa deliver?

[Photo Credits:]