Last night on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills battle lines were drawn in the mythical sand using witches wands and Louboutins. Did I mention the witches were also wearing Louboutins, because yeah… Beverly Hills and all that.
So Brandi Glanville invites us all over to her bathroom to watch her take a bath while the editors blurred over her ladybits. Jennifer Gimenez stopped by because doesn't one always entertain while they're naked?! They talk boys; Brandi and JR's relationship isn't going anywhere and Jennifer thinks he needs dumping.
Brandi goes on a date with JR where she confronts him about not ordering a drink first and oh yeah – taking a couples trip to Texas without 1/2 of his coupling. That half being her! Apparently JR was with all his friends, who are couples, but he didn't want to bring Brandi.
JR is pretty unapologetic about the whole thing and it triggers Brandi's "trust issues" since in case you have been living in a black hole or on Mars and weren't aware, Brandi was cheated on you guys. She was like SO cheated on and like she needs to discuss it forever and ever and ever and ever because she apparently doesn't have anything else going on besides Botox and drinking.
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Lisa Vanderpump got kicked off Dancing With The Stars on account of her not so fabulous dancing, which she did despite being ill and fainting during rehearsal. Kim "Rambles" Richards rambles on and on and on about how Lisa faked her faint and then in the process of demonstrating how one fakes a faint falls off her chair. It was totally hilarious. And I can see why her acting career fizzled out.
And now onto pageants. Joyce Giraud is a former Miss Puerto Rico with a nude photo scandal – luckily Donald Trump helped a hot girl out of a bind and she was able to move to the Beverly Wilshire with two suitcases and a Pretty Woman dream. There she lurked in the lobby in her thigh-highs until an eligible bachelor came along to finance her own pageant, Queen of the Universe. Someone really is living out her little girl dreams because that's what my six-year-old self would name a pageant. Whatever. Joyce also has two degrees, two kids, and the most amazing husband with the biggest peen in all the world. Some girls have all the luck.
Everyone meets up to attend a luncheon at Carlton Gebbia's cathedral: a palace of witchery, no small talk, and scary dolls. They could have filmed American Horror Story there – the horror being Kyle Richards' behavior and annoying laugh. Carlton prepares her lair for the gathering by having her nanny Elizzy move furniture and transfer mayonnaise from a jar to a fancier jar. Carlton tells us she loves beautiful women and discriminates by only hiring hotties to care for her son cause that's not creating a complex or anything for ol' Cross.
Yolanda Foster, fresh from an IV drip of lemontology and other vitamins, shows up first and they have a laugh about eating children.
Kyle, Kim, Joyce, and Brandi all ride together where they all discuss whether or not Lisa's "princess faint" was real. Brandi joins in with Kim and Kyle as being openly suspect while Joyce reserves judgment until seeing the actual faint. Brandi totally doesn't buy it and Kyle thinks Lisa just wanted to get out of the show.
Speaking of judgment, from the moment they arrive at Carlton's, Kyle is all judgey-mcjudgerson calling it a Harry Potter house and doing her annoying guffaw laugh. Kyle wants to know everything about Carlton, like why so many crosses? Can you really do the dirty in a bed underneath a cross. Are you a witch?! A for realz witch?! I personally didn't think she was that rude, just awkward.
Carlton, who reassures us she's not a vampire sheerly with her over-abuse of tanning and tanning beds (holy leather face!), is pissed. Of course she's not a witch – she's Wiccan. Carlton only practices "light magic" and she won't put any spells on anyone. As Lisa put it, "There are a couple witches in our group, but I don't think Carlton's one of them."
So is a witch a better dinner party drama-stirrer than a psychic? We're about to find out!
Things get worse inside when Brandi straight up fibs to Lisa by claiming Kyle and Kim don't believe she fainted, meanwhile pretending she had Lisa's back. Lisa instantly questions Kyle who gets in a tizzy and then Lisa goes to sulk outside. Kyle, Joyce, and Kim investigate Carlton's house where they discover a massive cabinet filled with dolls. Yes, Carlton is a member of the Madame Alexander club.
Kyle is officially creeped out. Ditto! You know the doll's skin was eerily similar to Brandi's. #TooManyFillers. Over lunch things get more treacly. Carlton refuses to sit at the head of table and ushers Kyle into the seat. Then Carlton gushes about much she loves beautiful women and wants to be surrounded by them. Carlton takes surrounded by beautiful women to a whole new level with those dolls.
Brandi, one too many glasses of wine in, calls Carlton a "nice c-u-next-tuesday". But Carlton isn't offended. So lemme get this straight: Splits asking if Carlton is CATHOLIC sends laser beams shooting out of her eyes, but Brandi calling her the c-word is a laugh. Girl you're tripping.
Lisa is aghast that Brandi would use that word and openly chastises her. Yolanda defends Brandi as just being Brandi. #WorstExcuseEver. Lisa realizes her Pygmalion project to turn Brandi into a lady has summarily failed. Shain't neva gon'be a lady, dahlin. Kyle fondly remembers the days when Brandi only used the F-word.
Next Carlton is offended by Joyce, who in the midst of a conversation about vaginal rejuvenation (again, Brandi's), admits that her coochie is so tight and her hubby so endowed that it she got a v-job it would be pretty much sealed shut. Gross imagery indeed. Totally gross. Carlton snips that her hubs is hung like a donkey but she doesn't need to broadcast it to the world. Except you just did…
Then things really take a turn for the uncalled for when Brandi questions Kyle (out of the blue!) about the tabloids accusing Mauricio of cheating. Kyle gets upset, Lisa tells her to ignore them (wisely so) and then Yolanda – YOLANDA! – takes out a lemon, rolls it slowly between her perfectly manicured fingers, and purrs, "Well where there's smoke, there's often fire."
In the confessional Kyle cries about how fake and horrible the women are, but the stage is set and the spell has been cast. Perhaps all the time Kyle stoked the fire and fanned the flames, she should have been carrying water.
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – IS CARLTON OVER-SENSITIVE OR IS KYLE RUDE? DID LISA FAKE HER FAINT? IS THERE SOMETHING TO THE MAURICIO CHEATING RUMORS?
