Last night on Real Housewives Of Atlanta things were shocking, in the invisible fence way. Invisible fences are harder to climb over, as the ladies found out.
Cynthia Bailey had a dream and that dream is rapidly becoming a nightmare. Because Cynthia is going into business with Peter to open the new Bar One!
Misguidedly, Cynthia is honored that Payday Loan Peter, chose her checking account and she will no longer be a silent fibroid, but a living, breathing bank account. The delusion: it runs deep – certainly deeper than the zeros in ol’ CB’s savings account. Who does Peter think he is married to – NeNe Leakes?!
Cynthia has a dream and that dream is that people do not believe rumors about how she finances all his foolish shenanigans and he married her for a TV show, free vodka, and VIP strip club access.
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Cynthia and Peter check out a location that looks like a toxic waste dump, but behind it is a funeral home, where according to Peter’s business partner <side eye>, Martin Luther King Jr.’s body resided there while awaiting burial. Something tells me this business partner attended the same Black History class as Porsha Williams. Peter turns to Cynthia and asks her to get her checkbook out. He doesn’t have it already? Now everyone hop on the Underground Railroad, get off at the stop labeled “Bar None”, and proceed to the exit labeled Reality Check. Stay there – a long while. Talk to Kenya Moore in the waiting room.
Later Cynthia and Peter confront more rumors that their business is as much a failure as their marriage – they are moving Bar One because the owners of the building are impossible. Cynthia rambles about the strength of their marriage and how no one believed in them (they still don’t!), but look at them now making it against the odds of so many failed businesses. Cynthia – I know you went to some self-help seminar about standing by your man, or maybe you want Couples Therapy to call you, but lady, you doth protest too much. And you’ve been married like 4 years, wouldn’t exactly call that making it against all odds, but betting on Peter probably has worse odds than craps in Vegas or the Powerball, so what do I know.
Kandi Burruss invites Claudia Jordan to be a guest on Kandi Koated Nights – now redesigned with leftover RHOA reunion furniture, props not included. Claudia walks into Kandi’s office and upon spotting the red sofa that looks like it’s made from the same shiny plastic material as a red Solo Cup, gushes that she loves Kandi’s taste. Of course she does, Solo Cups are Claudia’s only home decor item, Kandi tells her about the guy that repurposes them into furniture.
Claudia loves talking about sex so naturally she’s perfect for KKN. The topic is mixing business with pleasure in relationships. Since Todd joined Kandi Koated Industries he has bigger goals, wants things to get classier and more professional, and now all they talk about is business. Case in point, there is Todd behind the camera acting all producer-y like he has a job or something, Mama Joyce. Speaking of which, wasn’t it so nice to have an MJ reprieve this week?!
Kandi asks Claudia if she’s ever hooked up with Jamie Foxx (No). Then asks if Claudia would make out with her for $500 (Yes). Uh-oh – is this another RHOA marriage scandal?! Is Claudia hitting on Todd’s lady; will she be propositioning her and sexting her and calling her babe. So inappropriate! Claudia you harlot, hussy, jezebel, hoe – apparently that all may be true but not where Kandi is concerned.
Speaking of which, Claudia reveals she knows Porsha’s mysterious Nigerian, because “their African friends are mutual.” Claudia dishes that Porsha’s Nigerian has several Porshas – and she doesn’t just mean cars – which means Claudia was once one of those “Porshas” and has now been replaced with a newer model? Is Claudia the Mysteri0 Nigerian Fantasy Prince Connect. Is she running some sort of sugar daddy dating service? Cause that actually WOULD be an interesting storyline! I need more information. Lots more.
All of this inspires Kandi to throw a Sexology Party. Not to be confused with last season’s pajama party where Apollo beat-up Kenya’s assistant and everyone wore lingerie like the menu described the main course as orgy.
Kenya gets a smoothie with Aunt Lori to discuss her friendship-ish with NeNe. Kenya crows that Aunt Lori is her own personal guru and she doesn’t need Iyanla to fix her life. I love Aunt Lori, but Krayonce probably needs both Iyanla AND Aunt Lori to fix her life – then add in some psych meds and Jesus for safe measure. It takes a village, it takes a village…
Phaedra Parks has a nightmare that Apollo might show-up at their home instead of roaming the streets like a zombie, so she is having a security fence installed. As the contractors are discussing plans for a fortress, with moat (containing crocodiles) and a shock fence (now available by Phaedra Sparks – get your husband the collar that will keep him in or out, because everybody knows a man sometimes needs a little zap before he gets too out of line with the mischievous deeds!), Apollo shows up. He follows Phaedra into the house, practically velcroed to her butt – probably because she changed the locks and he wants to get in before it’s too late. He’s pissed that Phaedra is counting him out. Phaedra is pissed because she hasn’t seen Apollo since he had a beard and last she heard he moved into Bar One.
Phaedra and Peter can go into business – he has the mind-control Real Cynthia Doll, and Phaedra is now marketing the FraudPollo Prevention Shock Collar.
Then Phaedra receives some legal excellence award. She was named one of the best African American Attorneys in the country or something.
The banquet was held at the Marriott and specifically staged for this show, but congratulations. Phaedra is not about to let Apollo’s misdeeds overshadow her legal career; she knows people think she’s involved, but she wasn’t – she can still be a successful attorney and run Phunerals By Phaedra even if he is making her look bad. Phaedra and Apollo are just two individual people, recognized in the eye of the law as legally bound to each other as one – in scandals and all. Congratulations!
At NeNe’s house Gregg has been promoted to package opener, which is a step-up from Basement Troll. He is the prototype for Phaedra’s Huzzzzband Shock Collar. NeNe’s agent calls to offer her 3 different Broadway roles. NeNe wants to play Mary J. Blige (Bwahahahahahahahahahahah!) in Rock of Ages. So, now on RHOA we have Krayonce and NeNe J. Bliusion (N. Bliusion for short). Housewives… I applaud your hubris. Next, Cynthia will be comparing herself to Tina Turner.
Instead NeNe’s agent thinks she’d be prefect for the role as the Wicked Stepmother in Cinderella (If the shoe fits!). NeNe is shocked – wicked is not her brand. She doesn’t do evil. She’s really gonna have to practice for this. She gets in character at Kandi’s party.
Porsha is wearing a ballgown (why?) Claudia and Cynthia are wearing varieties of acid-wash jeans, both unflattering (why?), and Kandi has some living doll from the Cynthia Bailey Real Doll collection sprawled out on a table with cupcakes (why?).
When NeNe shows up, she completely ignores Kenya who tries to hug her hello, barely gives Claudia a passing glance, and then asks Phaedra to hold her hand. For all that icitude, I would think NeNe was wearing a NeNe Leakes Collection Cold-Shoulder Tee (because cross-marketing, hello!), but no instead she’s practicing bitchiness for BROADWAY. It’s a tax writeoff. NeNe compares her Kenya-treatment to a one-night stand, just because she gets with you once doesn’t mean it’s a relationship.
Claudia emotionally eats chicken wings to deal with the rejection and asks to speak to NeNe privately to confront her about the brush-off. It was… desperate. NeNe is like, you play for the WRONG TEAM, now shoo. Cynthia is baffled – she thought everyone was getting along now? I Choose Cynthia needs to stop landing on denial and start choosing to THINK.
Kandi has a sexologist named Dr. Rachel who wants to tie people together. NeNe gets Claudia and complains she has cooties. Eventually she agrees to do it because the other option was Cynthia. NeNe does not choose Cynthia.
Then they all go around and open up about their relationship status – channeling Facebook realness! NeNe rambled about Gregg. Demetria McKinney stood-up, grinned real big, and shouted: “I AM THE FUTURE MRS. ROGER BOBB! WE ARE SOULMATES! HE NAMED A CHEERIO AFTER ME! HE IS AMAZING ROGERBOBB! ROBERBOBB! ROBERBOBB!” Is there a reason Demetria needs to announce that ROGER BOBB is her man? No one else gave names. Saying it aloud enough times doesn’t makes it true. This girl is… off.
Dequenchia – sit. down. Literally. Luckily she was actually knocked-down when Kandi’s friend said, “You’ve been dating Roger Bobb for 8 years? That’s funny, because I was dating him exclusively last year and he said he was your manager. The only thing you’ve been for 8 years is a booty call.”
Dequenchia is shocked. Mouth-open, shocked. It’s Kenya’s turn next, but she just bursts out laughing. This is there real Krayonce. What would she say anyway: My men don’t exist. Except in my head. Alongside my career.
Demetria runs outside and Cynthia chases her to calm her down. Dequenchia cries that the girl is lying – Roger Bobb loves her. Cynthia is like, of course he does – Peter loves me too! United in delusion; Cynthia and Dequenchia.
Because of Dequenchia’s mess with Roger Bobbing All Over Town, we didn’t get to hear Phaedra describe her relationship. Which disappoints me – what would she say about her huzzzzzzband? She’s probably secretly dating Roger Bobb too. Or Apollo is running around town with him, chilling at the strip club.
Next week – Clawdia’s claws come out at Wicked StepNeNe and Dequenchia takes-on Phaedra!
TELL US – WAS CLAUDIA TOO FORWARD WITH NENE OR IS NENE RUDE? IS ROGER BOBB CHEATING ON DEQUENCHIA (DO WE CARE)?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]