Last night on Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills (aka Real Hoodrats Of Battery Park) somebody got bitch-slapped and that somebody wasn’t Brandi Glanville or Kim Richards! Pass the smelling salts – not be confused with someone else’s cancer pain pills.
First, the problem with Brandi: Brandi takes everything too far – jokes, glasses of wine, involvement in other’s family matters. But when called out, she doesn’t own it – she projects outward, blaming, making baseless accusations; then is shocked when karma pays her retribution. Yes, Brandi is an unhappy, wounded woman who lacks self-esteem, but at what point – like say when you’re mid-40s and jacking up your face, your friendships, and your career beyond salvation – is it time to take ownership?
Instead, Brandi changes her friends, her addresses… Sadly, now that she and Kim have found each other all hell has broken loose – literally. I think poor Amsterdam needs to get the US Embassy to intervene! Visas revoked, bitches. And yank Yolanda Foster‘s too as payback – then make David pay a hefty fine to reinstate her access.
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It’s a free day in Amsterdam. Overworked hostess with the mostess patience Yolanda is <cough, cough> sick and is staying in bed to take a day-off from
crazylady-sitting. Yolanda Foster’s Day Off means one bite of cake, skipping that last 30 minutes on the treadmill and allowing herself 1 episode of Martha Stewart Living (that bitch with her baskets, Yolanda will show her!)
All of Yolanda’s warm and fuzzy freedoms are interrupted when Kyle Richards barges through the door, wielding her giant kape + her massive hairkape (kapes are the new kaftans at Kylenee By KaftansToo!), plops down on the bed and bawls about her terrible burden named KimKillah. You guys, KYLE has feelings too! Kyle exists! Kyle cries real tears of crying cries because KYLE cries for KYLE! And she is tired of dragging around the deaddrunk weight of Kim (+Kingsley)!
Yolanda dries Kyle’s eyes with a tissue of the finest fibers of white Persian cat and platinum spiderwebs – it’s how Yo avoids wrinkles – and tells Kyle everyone has a cross to bear. She has Lyme, and Kyle has a big ol’ lemon named Kim.
While Kyle is making a big wetspot on Yolanda’s bed, everyone else is downstairs acting like the last 24 hours didn’t happen because: SHOPPING! Lisa Rinna and Lisa Vanderpump are stuck: they planned to go shopping, but so too did Kim and Brandi – now they must decide to ditch them or join them…
Evaluating her options Lipsa decides to play nice. It’s safer that way – she’s trapped on a vacation with the wildly unpredictable KimKillah, Super-Soberling, and she’s not quite sure how the Dutch criminal justice system works.
The heart wants what the heart wants (Clothes before Hoes!), so off this unlikely foursome goes. Eileen Davidson does not understand – she will not participate in fakeness charades where everyone smiles tightly, blaming the Botox, which also obscures their ‘Yeah – this is f–ked up!’ expressions. “It’s like an insane asylum, only with nicer shoes and bags,” Eileen realizes.
Eileen opts to go on a museum tour with Kyle. Touring museums with Kyle includes all the fakery of shopping with the other girls. This is how Kyle evaluates art: “He has a little wiener – he’s no Mauricio! haha! Look – men in leggings! OMG the hair. She doesn’t use Pantene. Is that girl supposed to be like hot? Haha! I wear capes too! ICKY a hoohah – is that a painting of Brandi?!”
Eileen gives up and they grab a coffee, but sadly no space cake. Eileen broaches the uncomfortable game of invisible drama they’re all playing. Kyle explains that it’s better to ignore and try to have fun, but Eileen is really offended that Kim offered Lipsa an apology, but hasn’t said one word to either Kyle or herself. Kyle admits she is hurt, but Kim will be Kim and who wants to roll around in the muck of Kimsanity, besides Brandi?!
Shopping is the perfect distraction. LVP shops for designer weapons, Lipsa investigates a giant sweater that doubles as body-armour and could comfortably store a can of glitter mace and Kim gets way too excited in the sex shop. That Kim and her vibrators. Her favorite +1 – sorry, B!
Before dinner Eileen has a glass of wine and a chat with Lipsa. She doesn’t understand how Lisa can just pretend everything is fine. Eileen needs Real Housewives for Dummies. Lisa explains there is no reasoning with KimKillah so there’s no point. To the worried go the wrinkles, right? It’s best to just smile, nod, and cheer emptily while Kim rambles on and on about her title as Sublime Priestess Of Sober-Superpeople, a club she joined at the Bowling Alley Bar after Kingsley ate her hand off, but didn’t feel a thing. She’s sober except for those times she had REAL PAIN and took pretend pills! Placebos, because super-soberists with super soberiority awards don’t even take Ibuprofen.
Eileen gets it, but doesn’t condone it.
So off to dinner on a yacht they go. It’s awkward as hell. Yolanda has recovered after spending all day in her YoDa Enterprises realignment planetarium supersonic anti-hostility chamber. Thus she is refreshed, rejuvenated, and rocking white jeans like she just don’t care. In truth, Yolanda only cares about canals, Chilean Sea Bass, and keeping tabs on the “Da”-half to her Yo.
Kyle, who has superimposed herself into Eileen’s mind frame is now anti-fakeness too – this is different. Kyle complains that everyone is acting like it’s all fine. “What is this – the Love Boat,” she scoffs. Actually it’s the Fake Boat – all the silicone and Botox is keeping it afloat, just like it’s keeping the upper lips stiff!
Kyle sulks at the bar until LVP and Yolanda console her. If everyone is gonna act well-behaved, why not take the opportunity to grab a little Kyle-tention? She complains that Kim sucks and Brandi sucks more and more things. Except for the times Kim has an E-Cig, then they suck equal.
Back at the table, complaining about Kyle prompts Eileen to interject about how Brandi and Kim are pretty much depraved hot-messes who need to check themselves before the wreck themselves. Eileen is ballsy. I also assume that she is a strong swimmer?
Brandi is pissed that Eileen is talking about her behind her back, calling her a mean drunk. Eileen is like uhhhh… facts are facts, honey! According to Brandi no one has ever called her mean drunk. Which is proof positive that she’s drunk too damn much!
As for Kim, she is tired of Eileen being “confused” about her sobriety. Kim took one itty-bitty pill that one itty-bitty time when she was in such extreme agonizing pain and Eileen is just so awfully confused and judgmental and awful and how dare she because Kim is a Gold Medalist in the Super Sobriety Slalom! And since none of her real sisters – KATHY – are concerned, Eileen should just focus on her own family problems. Eileen does not take the bait of another KimKillah threat. She will not have this bore calling her a beast and making insinuations about her marriage. Nor will she have Boozdi accusing her of making comments that could ruin someone’s life. Talk about hypocrisy, right LVP! Right Adrienne!
According to Brandi the only person who is allowed to talk ish is Brandi, when everyone else does it they’re a backstabbing hypocrite with a destroyer agenda.
Eileen is way too smart for the dynamic-disaster-duo of Boozdi of KimKillah. She reminds them she witnessed their behavior numerous times so her assessments didn’t materialized from thin air from the way Kim and Brandi’s mutual delusions and close friendship has. Furthermore Eileen would say all of these things to their faces, like she’s doing right now!
“Excuse me for giving a damn,” sniffs Eileen, who understands why Lipsa just went shopping! From now on, Kim is sober.
Brandi decides everyone should stay out of each other’s business unless said person requests help with, for instance, their home wrecking or eating disorders. Eileen is disgusted. Kyle can take no more of Brandi’s popcorn-popper of insults, flying every which way, and she calls her mean. Soon they’re screeching about how horrible each one is and who is to blame for Kim’s myriad of issues and who loves Kim more. Wash, rinse, repeat – much like the laundry lessons Kyle tried to give her daughter!
Once again, Boozdi and Splits are arguing over Kim, who sits there like uuuhhh… anyone seen my pills, I mean pineapple juice! I’m sober! Doesn’t Phaedra Parks sell aerosol cans of holy water? Yeah, Kyle needs that. And throw in one of them Chanel TasHers, with volts of electrified gold-current and Coco Mademoiselle.
Yolanda decides to eat dinner, one-by-one the ladies join her inside, leaving Kyle and Brandi squalling while Kim sniffles about how hard it is to be loved. Kyle, again, tells Kim she’s hurt and Kim is like whatevs – I’m sober. Kyle just wants love TOO! And for Mauricio to learn to make a G-D sandwich without calling her at 4am to ask if the Pucci mustard is kept in the carburetor or the hair dryer and should he put the bread in the shower to make it soft.
Finally they eat, where Brandi suggests they go around the table and say something nice about each lady. Lipsa goes overboard heaping insincere praises on KimKillah because scary ladies scare her and she wants brownie points – but NO brownies!
Brandi throws out superficial compliments about appearance to everyone except Kim, who Brandi gushes about being the ray of sunshine that saved her from a dark and cloudy life. Brandi resents these women, whom she says are ugly on the inside but pretty-ish on the outside, but she covets their plastic surgery!
When Kim and Kyle cry real tears of fake emotions about sistery-ness, Brandi sits on her hands to stop herself from wrenching them apart. Kyle better have that Chanel TasHer ready because Brandi is about to SWF her to death. She’ll be Kathy 2.0 and support Kim endlessly! When it’s Brandi’s turn to receive compliments, she hides in the bathroom and cries. She doesn’t want to hear anything from these manufactured-plastic hypocrites. Actually, Brandi knows they’ll all repay her the same superficial compliments of, “You’ve got great legs!” – which she was showing-off on the boat by forgetting her pants and wearing a swimsuit bottom.
It speaks volumes that Brandi is so afraid of herself; of feeling loved. Staring her in the face, like the the Portrait of Dorian Gray, are her insides leeching out, twisting her once upturned nose into a Kafka-esque realization of the witch she’s become. It’s as if Brandi couldn’t tolerate accepting that these women are building real relationships, even the ones she tried to eviscerate, and all she’s left with are the half-baked remains of Kim.
Kim pries Brandi out of the bathroom and LVP gently tells her she should stop beating herself up. Instead Brandi decides to beat-up Lisa!
As they’re exiting the boat, fun restored temporally, Brandi jokes about kissing Lisa. Lisa rebuffs her, like she always does, softly pushing her away with a witty chastise, but Brandi is insistent. Somehow teasing about soap opera slaps turns into actual reality TV slaps when Boozdi, the not mean drunk, slaps LVP across the face. Brandi tried to date rape LVP but when she was turned down, she smacked her. Eh, well there’s always KimKillah’s vibrators-a-plenty!
“That’s not OK,” Lisa redirects immediately, grabbing her cheek. Brandi, slurs that Lisa can slap her back. It’s a good thing Lisa kept her hands to herself because if she had slapped Brandi she’d dislodge a cheek implant.
The next day, over Dutch pancakes, Lisa tells Kyle about “The Slap.” Kyle is aghast. Over coffees, Brandi confesses to Yolanda, who is aghast. Wasn’t Brandi on some sort of cleanse – yeah, didn’t work! Lisa is officially done with Brandi – like the Kiss lyrics, “Sometimes love is like a slap in the face, you been burned and still it’s the same old mistake…”
TELL US – DID BRANDI TAKE THINGS TOO FAR WITH LISA? IS LIPSA BEING FAKE WITH KIM – OR IS SHE JUST MAKING THE BEST OUT OF A BAD SITUATION?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]