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Lisa Vanderpump wants grandchildren

Man – I’m disappointed in Bravo. They left out all the fun stuff from Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills to focus on Kim “RAMBLES OF MY SOBRIETY” Richards. Yes, we missed Eileen Davidson announcing she’s driving her Ford Flex to collect her Emmy, so we could instead hear KimKillah wax poetic about all the terrible things HARRY did while Lisa Rinna was sleeping, only to deny she ever said them because she doesn’t remember, only to admit she made the whole implication up! Anyway, Bravo – more Emmys and less Kimmies. (And how gorgeous did Eileen look in her Emmy gown).

So, what else happened. Oh – Yolanda Foster “downsized.” With Mauricio as her guide towards these uncharted territories of humble abodes, Yolanda house hunted. Yes – she realized having a 4,000 tree lemon grove was just a touch too much even for her perma-master cleanse state of being, so she looked at houses in the 8,000 – 4,500 square-foot range. But oh, they were just not for Yo!

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First of all, where on earth is My Love supposed to display his Grammy collection (let alone his ego or his 4 tenors who are released from the basement only for dinner parties). Second of all, there is no place for Yolanda to refine her diamonds into fuel for the lemoncopter, which lightly mists the metropolis with its botanically cleansing spritz as it deposits Yolanda atop the roof of Barneys (via a special envoy door for special lemonistas) for a leisurely afternoon of perusing the Stella McCartney collection. Did I mention the copter blades are made from magazine covers graced by GiGi and Bella’s faces?

Yolanda Foster looks at new homes

And thirdly, there is no place for AnWar-Underwear to eat his one strawberry, 64 vitamin breakfast. Honestly Mauricio – we thought you were were a professional! But how funny is it that Kyle Richards suddenly buddies up to Yo, invites her on a yacht in Spain and then Poof! Yo is selling one house and needing another. Oh Kyle, so transparent. So transparent as the diamonds bedazzling the $25,000 sunglasses she purchased from PamDana’s garage sale. Or I don’t know, maybe she had Chanel make her a pair and luckily Bravo edited out the footage of her telling everyone (plus Mauricio’s mother) that she spent THIRTY-FIVE thousand dollars on a Chanel-diffused-artisinal-Cartier-Gucci-embossed-bong. What other secrets are you hiding Kyle?!

I’ll tell you who is hiding secrets: Lipsa. OK, not really – she’s not hiding anything; she’s baring it all – even at seven months pregnant! At Eileen’s film premiere in the Valley, Lisa opens-up *see what I did there* about her Playboy spread! After the premiere, Lisa Vanderpump and Kyle flee like gossips in the night, desperate to escape the concession stand hot dogs in the Valley of middle class death (“It’s an A-whatta?!” (Clueless, anyone?!) to hide in the limo giggling as they Google “Lisa Rinna Pregnant Playboy.” Raise your hand if you googled it as well <raises hand>. It turns out Lisa also has a sex book. Tails Of The Full Bush & And Other Things Harry Has Done… 

Brandi Glanville tries pilates

Something tells me Brandi Glanville is bitter she never got offered a Playboy spread. But don’t worry – she was offered the opportunity to accompany Kim to pilates. Exercise is fun when you’re drunk! Wheeeee! Sober-Free and Proud to be! As Brandi huffs through the reformer machine, I swear she grumbled, “Sex with 23-year-olds is my cardio!” #Tinder

Then Kim met Lipsa in the woods for a little chat. If you’re thinking ‘OH NO… this is how all the horror stories start, you were right!’ Thankfully, Kingsley stayed home.

Kim is there to confront Lipsa about the “threaxes” (that’s threat-texts) Lipsa sent her. Kim is so scared of Lisa she meets her in the middle of nowhere – ALONE – to confront her about how scared she is that LIpsa might kill her. Emoji logic. 

Of course, Lipsa explains she sent the threaxes as a reaction to Amsterdam and the Harry accusation. Kim is like, ‘Amsterdam?! I never went to Amsterdam. I don’t speak Hollandaise. What are you talking about?! Just own up to it. You threatened my life with a Barbie doll at the McDonald’s museum where I was caring for Monty’s divorced chicken snuggle and Kingsley needed a life coach.’

Lisa is flabbergasted. I am flabbergasted. Kim is SOBER! So super-duper sober there’s a whole new chapter in the AA handbook about Kim’s sober-all-starness. It’s titled, Revisionist History: The KimKillah Rambles Richards Story. Coming to the True Crime Channel soon (allegedly. hopefully). 

As her parting warning, Lisa shouts, “Someday someone is going to hold you accountable Kim Richards!” Oh and somebody did – the Beverly Hills PD! I imagine it went like this, “Ma’am please come out of the bathroom with your hands up or we’re coming in after you!” KimKillah, “But officer, I’m just having a yummy Starbucks with extra whipped cream. Yolanda took me there because we’re girlfriends who chat!” <Not a depiction of actual events>.

Later we get another scene from Amsterdam where the ladies visit Yolanda’s childhood home. Mauricio would not take this listing! Oh no – I mean, at 300 square-feet Yolanda couldn’t even fit her fridge in there! It was humble and quaint – I love the down-to-earth, coziness Yo has. I live for this Yo, the ‘I might live on the cliffs of Malibu with my own ocean now, but hell if I can’t waltz up to someone’s front door with a film crew, start speaking Dutchery-doo and then have a peek at my childhood bathroom which hasn’t changed a bit!’ 

Yolanda Foster in Amsterdam

The teeny-tiny scratch-n-sniff lemon sticker a teenaged Yolanda put inside the door of the vanity was even still there. Yolanda sniffed, she sniffed again, and teeny tears pricked her eyes – she was homesick for the comforts of not having to put on pretenses and stroke the ego of My Love as it ambled here and there, always wandering, always searching for the next great triumph. But that Yo was gone, all that remained of her was the ability to speak Dutch, and ride a bicycle over cobblestones. 

Moving on to a woman for which pretenses are a way of life (and an occupation), Kyle talked to her daughter Portia about whether or not she should pursue child acting. Kyle thought long and hard about becoming a momager and channeling Kris Jenner. But does she really want to live in Calabasas, where Brandi once lived, which is permanently tainted with the smear of whatever the hell happened with Eddie? No, Kyle decides, she does not. So she encourages Portia to live a normal childhood – as normal as it can be when they are going to faux speech therapy for RHOBH. I’m frankly surprised Kyle didn’t take Portia to the Prada Boutique to have her practice her “R” sounds. Afterwards they could hit up Versace – in the name of improving Portia’s self-confidence and pronunciation, of course! Portia rrrrrrrrrreally wants to buy that rrrrrred rrrrrrosette clutch. With corrrrrrrrrresponding espadrrrrrrrrilles. Charrrrrrrrrrge it!

And in other BH parenting lessons, Lipsa sold her daughter’s Louboutins because they sat in her closet for a long time, unworn. Seriously – CALL CPS! Delilah is probably in therapy over that terrible child abuse. 

Also, LVP is torturing Pandora about reproducing because Giggy won’t wear furry pink snowsuits and she’s grown bored of pretending the dog menagerie are real children – she wants a grandchild! Kim also wants a grandchild, but unlike LVP she can’t even take care of a dog, so I don’t think she should be put in charge of human life. Not even her own. Other LVP discoveries – she speaks French. Le sigh. 

Lisa Vanderpump & Kyle Richards look-up Lisa Rinna's playboy spread

Finally Lisa, Lisa, and Kyle visited Camille Grammer for a game of tennis and some cocktails. I thought the tennis must be of the verbal sort because they were all wearing cocktail dresses and heels, even though LVP claims she was in a tennis dress (from … 1922?).

But no, they all hopped into a golf cart and rolled through the palatial hills of Camille’s Malibu estate until they reached the private tennis court. There they merely traded their stilettos for sneakers, grabbed their Chanel tennis racquets (not a farce) and pranced out onto the tennis court – in cocktail dresses. Camille was even wearing a strapless dress. I am so impressed – how on earth did she manage to keep it from falling down?! Kathy Hilton voice: “You do magic now?” 

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[Photo Credits: Bravo]

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