Last night the Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills traveled the globe in search of magical little ponies and mythical caftans that will disappear all of their gloom. Unfortunately money can’t buy you mini ponies or magic muumuus!
Kyle Richards and Lisa Vanderpump are shopping in Italy. Kyle is wearing – and I really must focus on this for an extended period of time – a cropped, cold-shoulder string-tie MUUMUU shirt, over black PJ pants. With large floppy hat. This woman needs an intervention. NO MORE mom-cazh!
The worst of the worst of the worst is that Lisa and Kyle are shopping in an Italian caftan store. Naturally the conversation flows (see what I did there) towards Richards-Hilton family dysfunction and Kyle’s decision to attend the wedding. Let’s be honest Kyle went to Italy so she can tell people she bought clothes in Italy, and Kyle wants to go to Nicky’s wedding so she can tell people she went to a Rothschild society wedding.
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Then Kyle flies off to London, while Lisa and Ken board a friend’s helicopter with Lisa’s custom Louis Vuitton and whisk off to Monte Carlo. Oh, just like MYYYYY summer vacations! So fun how Lisa and I are twinsies! Now excuse me while I board my friend Crabby’s helicopter for Beverly Hills and sour Lymes.
Yolanda Foster introduces new housewife Erika Jayne by getting vitamin IVs. Erika is only doing this for
the cameras Yolanda. Seriously what doctor condones this? And secondly, can Days of Our Lyme stop being a thing. Erika, I just met you but you’re better than this. Much better. You’re ERIKA JAYNE – maybe you should prescribe Yo some of your Painkillrz and tell her to whip that side pony she once wore round her head and prance and prance and prance. Betcha David would come trotting back!
Enough of Yo’s lymacy! Erika is married to real life Erin Brockovich lawyer, Tom Girardi. They are rich. Thank God because if there’s one thing I demand from Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills it is literally money that grows on trees. Even dead trees. Erika was once a broke cocktail waitress, and Tom was her customer. Having an ‘Anna Nicole this is your life’ (sans the drugs) moment she slipped Tom her number and the rest is literally history. Erika has a refreshing attitude about being rich – it’s way better than being poor, but if you were a poor asshole you’ll be a rich asshole too!
Before Tom leaves for work Erika serves him coffee in a styrofoam cup (interesting) and they survey the grounds surrounding their Baroque (not to be confused with broke) mansion, and Erika mentions the three tiny chipped pool tiles. She asks for Tom’s permission to replace them. Something tells me Tom does whatever Erika wants!
Erika heads to her day job being Erika Jayne, temptress of the dance floor. She has 8 Billboard No 1s and a thriving career as a gyrating, soft-core alter-ego. I believe that was also Camille Grammer‘s schtick at one point? Anyhoodle, Erika needs to be bad to be happy. So whatever, I reserve judgement on this one. For now.
Back to the ones I openly judge. Eileen Davidson is trying to get her son Jessie off to school but Vince and Jessie are both ignoring her for their computers and their phones. Eileen wonders if the men in her house can’t hear women’s voices. Maybe they’ve been exposed to Real Housewives Of Bverly Hills for too long? Or maybe Eileen should try one of those voice changer things they sell on Amazon for $9.99. If she says everything in a Bart Simpson voice I’m positive they’ll respond. But I feel you Eileen – I too am the lone lady in a house of boys and I too blame them when I become annoying. If they would just listen the first 18 times, I wouldn’t have to yell. #MomProblems
And now, KimProblems. Speaking of, I am SURE Kyle can relate to saying something over and over and over again to a person who can’t seem to hear you. Isn’t that why Kim is running around screaming that Kyle stole her house after like 15 years?
Lisa Rinna and Eileen meet for lunch and OMG: they are both coincidentally wearing leopard-print! The frequency of Lipsa’s voice upon spotting Eileen in leopard can only be heard by mini poms and Dolce & Gabbana. Kyle arrives, NOT wearing a caftan, so everyone cheers, bursts out the champagne and gives her a standing ovation. Eileen hugged Kyle tightly, whispering in her ear, “I always believed in you!”
Then it’s time to get down to business. Eileen wonders what’s going on with Kim since she “escaped from rehab”. HA! The KimKillah Report, as covered in minute detail by such esteemed news organizations as CNN, who interrupted an ISIS broadcast to update on Kim’s latest sobriety evasion. Lipsa wonders if Kim has the tools to function in society (No) and if she’s a danger to others (Yes). Kyle feels like she’s betraying Kim by discussing it. Oh, I bet she does. How come Kyle never wants to talk about the family yet it always gets brought up while Kyle puts on her best ‘awkward and uncomfortable’ face? *side-eye*
Editor Note: I have to interrupt your BH recap with a HELL YES and THANK YOU to Bravo! For years now we’ve signed release forms for the various production companies for the Housewives shows (among others), at least a dozen but probably more. But every time it came down to the final edit, the powers that be would go with other sites instead or scrap the storyline/article screenshot completely. So, we were flying high last night when we saw that they gave us not one but TWO shoutouts in a row. We are truly grateful and excited that it happened. Back to your recap…
So they talk about Yolanda instead! Eileen and Lipsa are still shocked by how ill Yolanda appears. Kyle again reiterates her past issues with depression. I agree with Kyle.
Now – time for the all-important business of sneak-flying to Ohio on the private jet owned by a person called “Mossy” to sneak-buy a mini horse for Ken’s 70th birthday. Lisa and Lisa leave at 4:45 am. LVP told Ken she was going to an Ojai spa. I mean, Ojai/Ohio, both have four letters, start with an”O”, have an “i”…
The plan is the Lisas will fly the pony home on the private jet. You can put ponies on a plane? I have been living my life wrong.
Now, I do have serious concerns about this trip – I hope Lisa and Lisa don’t get Lyme from a mini horse in a god forsaken place like Ohio!!!!! #RISKINGTHEIRLIVESFORPONIES
Upon landing the ladies put on cowboy hats and practice YeeHawing while they scoot into a limo. Then it starts to torrential downpour and the cowboy hats come off as Lisa and Lisa clutch them in fear. It dawns on Lisa that Ken has no idea where she is… and she’s in the middle of nowhere in a place without Saks Fifth Avenue and Rosè factories. What if she ends up the subject of a very high-class Lifetime Movie about being scammed by Craigslist pony sellers? But Bravo cameras as her witness, Lisa has hope.
When they pull-up to the mini pony farm, the sun is shining and Rosebud greets them wearing a tutu (to conceal her ENORMOUS pot belly). I immediately suspected she was pregnant. Lipsa thought Weight Watchers and wondered if she could hustle for an endorsement deal for Weight Watchers Pets starring Rosebud!
Lisa and Lisa scamper around the farm, petting pigs, catching chickens, playing Anne of Green Gables in skinny jeans. As Lipsa is trotting with a tutu-less Rosebud they notice her back leg seems lame. LVP panics – should she take Rosebud home, or should she not? It gets real – real serious. Lipsa was a good friend; patient and not pushy, but honest. She advised Lisa not to do it, despite the pony breeder insisting Rosebud is fine. #FamousLastWords
Eventually Lisa decides to call Ken where she spills the beans on the whole charade. Ken, upon learning they were actually in Ohio at a pony farm, was completely unsurprised. Which was hilarious. Finally Lisa decides to get a vet’s OK before following through with the sale, so they return to Beverly Hills pony-less. Lisa is distraught. Lipsa is relieved she doesn’t have to spend 4 hours on a jet smelling pony poop and fake cooing over cockeyed albino donkey with a pregnancy bump. The things Housewives do for friends.
But seriously LVP and Lipsa could have their own travel show in which they visit strange locations, think Simple Life-esque. They’re fun together and really good sports. The Lisa and Pony show is legit.
Back in Beverly Hills the Ken’s birthday bad luck streak continues! On the day of his English Garden Tea Party birthday celebration the weather report is rain!
Everyone must wear white, and all the ladies are required to wear giant brightly-colored hats, provided by Lisa. Because nothing says ‘Man turning 70’ like tea, crumpets, white lilies, and Monet hats. This reads like an Onion story. Ken rolled with it, because Ken.
Lisa wore a muumuu – Kyle is a bad influence and this madness must be stopped. Or maybe Lisa was stress eating because of Rosebud gone bad? Or possibly because when Lisa smuggles Rosebud to Villa Rosa she doesn’t want her to feel body conscious.
Eileen arrives first and looks divine. Then Taylor Armstrong appears, and well. Well… what can be said about Looony Lips McGee except she’s Loony Lips McGee and those loose lips will sink a thousand Housewives friendships. She is the Okinawa of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills. And Lipsa does not want her lips keeping company with Loony Lips.
Taylor’s first bit of bad business is informing LVP that there’s a house for sale on her street… Lisa threatens to buy it to keep Taylor out. Who is Taylor kidding? She couldn’t afford Lisa’s hood if the house was actually Rosebud’s abandoned pony shed.
Lipsa brought Ken a pony on a stick for good laugh after their adventures in three-legged pony shopping. Kyle shows up last and immediately sulks because she got stuck with the sole remaining hat and it clashes with her lipstick. Because the focus of KEN’s birthday is KYLE.
Lisa does a rather awkwardly lovey, yet vomit-inducing toast about Ken being 70, but never being too far from 69. Pandora looked like she wanted to ralph into her giant hat, and I quite agree. Then Taylor started spouting off about Yolanda’s instagram feed being sick selfie one day, happy selfie the next day. This is all negatively affecting Taylor, because all the IV photos make it difficult for Taylor to follow Yolanda. Which is a serious priority that needs addressing in the Lala Land of Lymedom.
But Taylor is saying what all the ladies are thinking – something seems fishy, not Lymey. And even though Lipsa tried to defend Yolanda, you know it got the frosted highlighted wheels in her head spinning until she was the natural blonde of her fantasies! Because even though we all know Taylor is a massive attention-seeking shit-starter, what was said had to be said.
It starts raining so everyone runs for cover under the veranda. Kyle, realizing she’s not getting any attention, announces that she’s bored and starts dipping her feet in the pool. Eileen follows her. Lipsa tackles Eileen, knocking her into the pool. Then all ladies are jumping in and splashing around all Menopause Mamas Gone Wild: Wet Designer Cocktail Dress Contest.
Someone pushed Ken into the pool. He stayed submerged long enough just to make sure his new hip hadn’t gotten dislodged, then splashed about ‘helplessly’ so the women would rescue him. What do you get the man who has everything? A harem of wet Housewives in white dresses to chariot him around an infinity pool high in the hills of Bel Air. I’m sure he preferred it to a mini pony. Misty-watered colored memories, right!
TELL US – SHOULD LISA HAVE ADOPTED ROSEBUD? WAS TAYLOR OUT LINE QUESTIONING YOLANDA’S HEALTH? WHAT DO YOU THINK OF ERIKA SO FAR?