Real Housewives Of Atlanta Recap: Peaches And Stones

Last night on Real Housewives Of Atlanta peaches stones were thrown and hands hidden. So what is the deal with Kandi Burruss and Phaedra Parks? They keep claiming they want to repair their friendship, yet their actions say otherwise! 

Over at Kandi Koated Kattiness Factory, Shamea Morton arrives with her Firkin tail between her legs after being caught by Don Juan gossiping at the video release party. Don Juan and Carmon stand watch while Shamea tries to explain what happened. Like no one was talking loud enough for so-called ‘bloggers’ to overhear their conversation until Don Juan inserted his extra fried crispy into the mess. 

Don Juan cannot accept this. Don Juan has his Diva Cup inserted deep, spouts off about Porsha Williams being so stupid she doesn’t know what gossip is. Oh, I think that may be one of the only things Porsha does know! 


Carmon also gets in the mess – she’s furious that Phaedra has new “titties” while Todd is still missing that $5k and wearing the same shoes for 3 days in a row. Apparently Phaedra isn’t allowed to spend money on anything until she pays Todd. Hope she didn’t buy Kandi a baby gift! Kandi complains that Porsha always inserts herself between Kandi and Phaedra… but takes Phaedra’s side. And alas, the real issue arises. 

Don Juan continues to be involved in RHOA drama

Don Juan and his sympathetic pregnancy hormones need to make like a magic trick and disappear. Also – please stop with the “ironic” name, because Don Juan? More like Don We Don’t Juant. 

Todd visits Phaedra at her law office where everything looks exactly like a TV set for what a prosperous, yet trendy law firm should look like. Phaedra and Todd lay their cards on the table – or in this case, sob stories and canceled checks – then come to an agreement. Phaedra will fork over a the final payment of $5k plus a pregnancy photo, and Todd will complete the video. 

Phaedra and Todd meet

Of course Phaedra believes “Poor Little Todd” is so insistent over getting this money for an uncompleted product because he blew his allowance from Sugar Momma Kandi and has been snuffling in the sofa cushions for spare change to hit the strip club. If only Todd had some of his LA TV projects still in the works… But too bad for boo boo, they dried up and shriveled like Don Juan‘s personality and Phaedra’s marriage! SHADE laid on thicker than Cynthia Bailey‘s desperate while hawking sunglasses. 

Phaedra – stop the nonsense and write the man a check. Todd – have your lawyer send a final invoice, and if you don’t get paid take her Donkey Booty to court. Enough of this please, we all know the REAL issue between Phaedra and Kandi has nothing to do with pregnancy videos! 

When Porsha is not playing tug of war between Kandi and Phaedra, she’s doing her reaaaaal job. Fancy that! Porsha is in LA to host the Emmy’s Red Carpet for DishNation. Her pregnant sister and assistant Lauren is also there. For now. 

Cue a big rant from Porsha about how Lauren can’t leave PORSHA’S POORTASTE EMPIRE to go like push things out of her uterus! What about Porsha’s naked company?! And her wonder weaves?! And all the other things that revolve around Porsha!? Who will schedule her Skype THOT-A-Thons if Lauren leaves her? And why is Lauren leaving again?! I mean a baby just lays there but Porsha is running an EMPIRE!

Lauren is like: Me. Having baby. Uhhh… priorities? 

It pains me deep, but I can see both points. Porsha is upset because Lauren hasn’t been training anyone for when she’s on leave. Porsha’s “enterprise” may be small but it pays both Lauren and Porsha’s bills. On the other hand PORSHA’S SISTER IS PREGNANT and some things are more important than thongs and checks. Porsha tantruming about Lauren leaving her was jealousy that her own uterus is filled with skyping and twerking. 

Then Porsha morphs into the Trophy Wife she was once was and hits the Red Carpet. I will say she scrubs up well and I think she’s awesome as a Dish Nation host. 

Back in Atlanta the Kenya More Krayonce Tour kontinues. Now including extended family! Kenya’s father Ronald visits to work on their estranged relationship so Kenya can finally get married. The twirl that is Kenya’s love life has grown into a raging tornado and her past will be spit out onto whichever unsuspecting man wants a twerking, twirling bride, so Kenya plans to fix the future by addressing her dysfunctional family past. Sounds good to me!

Kenya even attended a relationship seminar hosted by Dr. Tiy-E Dr. Urmo, where she learned that relationships with fake African Princes will never work if you don’t repair your relationship with your equally distant father. 

I really need Kenya to start dating Dr. Tiy-E. Fake doctor meets fake producer and love blossoms. Bravo- I know you are reading this, so let’s make that happen. 

Kenya’s newest plan to find love is to just date until she meets someone. How revolutionary! Ronald suggests making a score card and the date who gets the most points wins. Not sure that getting married works like a game of Trivial Pursuit, but, in the case of Kenya’s fake dating life, it kind of does. 

And since nothing in Kenya’s life is settled – even the foundation of Moore Manor – Kenya takes Ronald to view uncompleted mess where she will someday raise her children.Ronald is similarly unimpressed and goes to take a pee break behind some trees. 

During a walk in the park later Kenya and Ronald have a heart-to-heart, that wrenchingly reveals Kenya’s fractured childhood. After being raised by relatives in Detroit, she went to live with her dad in Texas at age 12. Kenya she wasn’t happy there so she ran away back to Detroit. Ronald didn’t speak to his daughter for 5 years! 

Kenya and her dad confront their painful past

Ronald tearfully explains it was his dream to raise all his children together and wanted “Kenny” to be part of his family. When Kenya bailed, she killed that dream. Yes, Ronald, I understand the disappointment, but Kenya was only 12! Instead of working to rebuild that relationship to possibly encourage Kenya to move back to Texas, he instead just stopped speaking to his adolescent daughter?! Of course, as Ronald beseechingly admits, the past is the past and it can’t be undone.

Except by the time warp of Krayonce, who begs Ronald to attend the family reunion she’s planning in Detroit … And she’s also planning to invite her mom. I am gonna need my prayer cloth and holy water spritzer for this. Based on the previews for next week Jesus needs to take the wheel of that family bus. 

Cynthia has fixed her marriage. HAHA. So now it’s time to sell some shades! Because sunglasses, like, go together with shade and Real Housewives Of Atlanta is shady. So witty! HAHA 5 minutes after the eyewear launch Cynthia is now hosting a customer appreciation party. To get some actual customers? 

Before that Cynthia and Peter play fake-a-happy-date with Kandi and Todd. Cynthia has a cat wrapped around around her neck and calls it a scarf. Kandi is wearing Kim Kardashian Maternity Kollection and a seriously grisly attitude about Phaedra, Porsha, and the pregnancy video that will never be birthed. Poor Peachter is rapidly losing his meach (man-peach) status to Don UnJuanted

Kandi and Todd are planning to open a restaurant. At the same time they’re having a baby. According to Cynthia that means they’re having twins. One twin will steal your husband and implicate him in a viral cheating video; the other twin will steal your heart and be cute. Cynthia’s advice: Recipe for disaster!

Kim Fields is eating ravioli in a restaurant with an iPad and two kids. WTF? Where is Sheree Whitfield? WHERE?!

At Cynthia’s party Kim arrives in what can only be described as HOLY HELL GET THIS WOMAN ON WHAT NOT TO WEAR IMMEDIATELY! Those pants were clearly the skinned remains of a sofa from Downton Abbey, and that too-tight turtleneck was strangling her in the manner of Cynthia’s cat-scarf. Upon seeing Kandi, Kim stage-whispers that she and Christopher experienced a Kandi Koated evening and Kandi has “good product”. Um… ew? 

With Peter safely back in Charlotte, The Real CynthiaBot comes alive again on active setting 6 “Built For Business.” She is running around the party, shouting “SUNGLASSES FOR SALE 2-For-1! Get your designer imposters frames right here! Step Right Up! SUNGLASSES!” 

On the step and repeat, Kim proves her directorial expertise by instructing the photographers about how to hold the camera, which gives Cynthia an idea. Oh bother…

Cynthia wants a commercial for her eyewear collection, so she hires BOTH Kenya, the genius behind the equally fake Life Twirls On, and Kim, the actual professional, to co-direct and produce it. Why not ALSO hire Todd?! Then don’t pay him for 2 years! 

Porsha arrives to prove her uterus exists too by wearing a dress that announces Baby GOES HERE with a cut to the cooch slit. Take it down a few notches, despertwata! That slit was seriously as extra as Don Juan running interference every time Kandi takes a step. Maybe they should make remake of The Police’s “Every Breath You Take”?

When Porsha spies Kandi (plus Krew!) Porsha is cordial but distant. Don Juant A Peach snarls to Kenya about how “phony” Porsha is. Cue Porsha asking Kandi if they can have a “private conversation” about the video premiere. Cue Kandi’s entire krew – the Kandi Koated Klique – following along to insert themselves in said “private conversation.”

Kandi loves her extra crispy with dipping sauce! 

Kandi and Porsha

Porsha, to her credit, refuses to have the conversation in front of everyone, so she stomps out. Shamea rushes after her/ They huddle in a doorway while Porsha yells about how ridiculous Kandi is being. Until Carmon – Camera?, Camerika Creeper? – whatever her name is that Porsha can’t pronounce, comes over to remind Porsha that Phaedra got fake boobs but still owes Todd. Porsha decides to bounce her basketball-sized butt out of there, slit flapping open to the world, while ranting that Kandi’s Clique is “Ratchet as hell!” Spoken like a true expert. 

But seriously – what was that?! Porsha and Kandi can’t talk now? Kandi says Porsha didn’t want people around who would contradict her version of the truth. Kandi – grow the hell up. You’re having a baby but you need a babysitter! Clearly Mama Joyce ain’t capable, so I guess that’s where Don Juama and Carmommy come in. 

The next day Kandi meets Porsha (plus her not Cynthia Bailey Sunglasses for lunch). 

And there, laid out between the crab cake burger and the sweet tea, was the gist of Kandi’s issue with Porsha and Phaedra: she’s pissed over being left out of THEIR clique!

Kandi, pregnancy hormones raging like the rapids on the River CynthiDenial, is pissed because Porsha and Phaedra’s got close and Phaedra is only allowed to be friends with Kandi? 

Porsha explains that Phaedra needed her friendship after Apollo’s betrayal and going to prison. Kandi doesn’t accept that. “She wanted him gone before he even left!” Kandi yells at Porsha. “You’re believing the mother f–king hype!”

Yet Porsha, maturely and calmly, stands her ground. Which impressed me. She even took those sunglasses off for some straight talk and explains that it’s not choosing one friend over the other, it’s listening where your ears are most needed. A skill Don Juan might need to learn!

Kandi and Porsha try to make amends

Porsha, who has been through a divorce, describes that even though you want the marriage to be over, it’s still coming to terms with that loss. And for Phaedra that loss meant her CHILDREN being fatherless for years over Apollo’s selfish choice, so if Kandi refuses to understand that while hiding Apollo’s assets from the Feds and whining about her huzzzzzzband not getting his reality check, she’s the one who is bad friend

Porsha is right – regardless of how Phaedra felt about her marriage when Apollo went to prison, it’s not Kandi’s job to judge. Phaedra – and those boys – definitely suffered a loss. It’s not like Apollo moved across town and can take the kids on weekends, or after soccer practice, he is GONE. 

It seems like Phaedra and Kandi’s friendship is gone too. As the waiter whisks away the empty plates, Porsha asks if Kandi wants to try and work on their friendship. “Okay” agrees Kandi sourly. Doesn’t Kandi have better things to worry about – like the impending birth of Mr. Universe?!

As Ronald Moore so aptly explained, the past happened and it can’t be taken away, but it can be left where it lay. 


[Photo Credit: Bravo]