On last night’s episode of Real Housewives Of Dallas, families bonded while friendships and frienemyships were torn apart. All at the hands of LeeAnne Locken. You can take the girl out of the carny, but you can’t take the carny out of the girl!
At Brandi Redmond‘s house, it is no surprise that her morning begins with poop. Dog poop, specifically, from the dog who has a name which isn’t “..butt.” They also have a rabbit. Apparently Brandi’s mom is running around Texas randomly collecting animals and dispensing them on her doorstep just to annoy Brandi‘s husband, Bryan. The only prerequisite is the animal must be snow white, (and incontinent?).
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Brandi is headed to Coweta, OK, where Stephanie Hollman grew up. Stephanie, a sweet girl from the prairie, loves Jesus and her mama too, so after the dramatic lunch, when LeeAnne threatened to come at her with a bow and a piece of plastic poop unless she stopped being friends with Brandi, Stephanie is seeking the serenity and comforts of her hometown. Unfortunately, she’s bringing her two kids, plus Brandi, and Brandi’s two kids. The calm is anywhere but near.
The trip should be a four-hour car ride, but drama begins before they even pull out of Brandi‘s driveway. Stephanie thought all Mercedes came with built-in nannies (they do – it’s called, in-car entertainment system. Could she not turn hers on!?), but the nanny must have been cleaned out during one of Travis chore lists while Stephanie was high on Jesus Juice and bee repellent and having an allergic reaction to fur coats. Stephanie struggles to even get her son in his car seat, because he’s having a total meltdown. “I hate my life,” she trills over the sounds of a shrieking child. Meanwhile, Brandi is chasing one of her white animals down the street, calling it a “f–king asshole.” Yep, these girls really need some come to Jesus. Luckily, Stephanie’s dad is a church deacon and her mom teaches Sunday school.
Of course, Stephanie plans to write the Mercedes company a letter of complaint, because she also assumed her car came with Xanax and an eject seat. She does realize this is a mini van – not an actual insane asylum? Once in Coweta – just to round out the whole insane experience – Stephanie decides to chug some Jesus Juice, run laps through the cemetery, and then hit up Walmart in a tutu (I assume we’ll be seeing her on People Of Walmart, soon?). After that she’ll be back to Dallas, and LeeAnne, to really get the full-circle ninth circle of insane (which is shaped like a tutu and is raising money for a dance charity inside a Walmart).
Brandi isn’t used to such a close-knit family and feels a bit overwhelmed. Growing up, her family dinners consisted of Hungry Man on a TV tray, instead of praising Jesus over cornbread. Luckily, there is wine to dull the effects! But there is no place to party – and certainly no Uber to call when your God GPS malfunctions. According to Stephanie‘s sister, if you get drunk and need a ride home, in Coweta, you call AAA!
Back in Dallas, Cary Deuber shares her love of yoga. All yoga: naked yoga, hot yoga, totally acrobatic why the hell are you doing circus acts (not to be confused with carny) yoga, and betrayal yoga, done beside LeeAnne’s BFF, Tiffany Hendra. Somewhere in LeeAnne’s ranch home, her Tiffany VooDoo doll is being stabbed and stabbed again. And it’s not with Botox needles!
After yoga, Cary and Tiffany grab a juice to discuss the issue of LeeAnne‘s crazed dislike for all things Brandi, and by association Stephanie, and now Cary. Cary is simply not interested in hearing Tiffany’s excuses to defend LeeAnne’s behavior – especially after LeeAnne exploded on Stephanie and Cary over lunch. Tiffany whines that ‘bowing’ at LeeAnne will equal social isolation, so she has to mind her Ps & Qs and encourages the others to do the same. Cary isn’t scared. After all, her husband is “Boobs by Deubs.” Plus, Dallas is a big town, and LeeAnne is just another big ol’ bitch on an ego-trip.
Tiffany is straddling the fence here, and her coochie is bound to get sore if she doesn’t take a stance soon. For now, she’ll just sip her green juice and imagine the crooning voice of Keith SubUrban.
While Tiffany is pondering how to extract herself from LeeAnne‘s grasp, LeeAnne has found herself a real-live Dallas socialite to grasp onto – Heidi Dillon (who dresses like an off-brand Stevie Nicks and has one of Brandi’s dogs on steroids). LeeAnne wore a topknot and an overly-eager smile to beg Heidi to chair the fundraiser of an AIDS charity which LeeAnne is passionate about – since LeeAnne’s story saves lives – HUNDREDS, if not thousands, of lives. After LeeAnne begs and pleads and pretends she had an affair with Heidi’s dog, Heidi agrees. But only if LeeAnne will behave like the hired help and be her bitch.
LeeAnne gushes about why she loves charity – she eats, sleeps, breathes (and apparently sometimes even shits) charity – which all began with the love of an extremely ill rescue Pomeranian, who made LeeAnne grow into a mother by being a care-taker. LeeAnne’s favorite charities are all about animals. She attends a PAWS event, which is going well until Tiffany pulls her aside to inquire about what happened over her lunch with Cary and Stephanie. LeaAnne brushes it off as Brandi‘s gross behavior ruining the charity circuit, and LeeAnne will not back down to being disrespected. Nor will she be having a conversation with Brandi.
Seriously – WHAT DOES THIS WOMAN DO FOR WORK – like actual work?! How is LeeAnne paying for gas to cavort around to these charity events?!
Speaking of Brandi, she no longer has poop on the brain, since she’s finally connecting with her estranged grandfather. Brandi nervously calls him, and keeps referring to him as “sir” while they have an awkward conversation. Inspired by Stephanie’s close-knit family, Brandi invites him to visit and nearly bursts into tears when he agrees. But all good things must come to an end, because the ladies are all meeting up at Marie Reyes‘ cocktail party.
Every month, a socialite in Dallas throws a cocktail party for their girlfriends. This month, Marie, a close friend of LeeAnne and mutual friend of Stephanie, Cary, and Brandi, has planned an evening of bickering over champs, stirred by a little camera-sucking mollusk named Taylor. Along for the ride, yet simultaneously steering everyone right into the drama, is Tiffany – LeeAnne’s No. 1 Bitch.
Before the party, Brandi and Stephanie powwow over how to approach LeeAnne. The strategy: no poop, do not engage her or rile her up, try to read her vibes. I feel like they’re prepping for an ultimate cage fighting match.
Tiffany is bored of being LeeAnne’s extra, so upon Brandi’s arrival, she goes out of her way to grab her and impress upon her that LeeAnne does not control her mind, so she wants to ‘get to know Brandi.’ Brandi is polite, but so desperate for a drink that Tiffany’s head becomes a mirage of a big ol’ Jesus making wine pour from his palms. Whatever Tiffany says, Brandi nods, smiles, and then turns to run.
Across the party, LeeAnne is watching Brandi like a hawk, while bragging that she’s too smart for these girls and their games. She compares Brandi to a rattlesnake. If Brandi is a rattlesnake, Stephanie must be Brandi’s pet bunny. LeeAnne actually spends the entire party snidely discussing how Brandi and Stephanie are discussing her. LeeAnne needs to get a life and a hobby – other than obsessing about herself.
When Cary wanders over to say hello, LeeAnne snaps that Cary thinks she’s fake, but she’s not! To prove she’s real – a real ass, that is – LeeAnne announces, “I’ve got a stamp right here on my ass, ‘Made by God!’… F–k you!” and pantomimes stamping her own butt. Cary is like uh, no. Peace out forever.
Brandi jokes to Cary that as their elder, LeeAnne needs to get knocked-up so she can parent someone else’s behavior – if she’s still making eggs that is.
Unfortunately, for all her self-professed prominence, LeeAnne has earned herself a few enemies in Dallas. One of them being Marie’s friend Taylor, who confesses to skipping Marie’s events to avoid LeeAnne, her enormous mouth, and her bullying nature. He sidles over to Brandi and Stephanie (#cameratime) to fill them in on the time LeeAnne got so wasted she shit her pants at an event! So I guess LeeAnne is familiar with shit being on her chair during a luncheon?! Stephanie and Brandi cannot contain their giggles because A) Taylor said “poop” and B) LeeAnne did a poop.
It’s obvious that Tiffany is not going to remain in the shadows anymore. While Brandi, Stephanie, and Cary are snickering over the tale of LeeAnne’s poopy pants, Tiffany dry humps her new friend Brandi, who wonders why LeeAnne is such a bitch. Tiffany defends LeeAnne, but Brandi reminds Tiff that when she first became acquainted with LeeAnne’s mouth, she couldn’t stand her either! Furthermore, for all LeeAnne’s talk about social couth and being Brandi’s elder, she didn’t behave very maturely when she threatened Cary and Stephanie to stop being her friend, or else!
Tiffany agrees Brandi is correct – there is an elephant in the room that is consuming more oxygen and space than LeeAnne‘s ego. She decides Brandi and LeeAnne need to speak directly and hopefully move forward, for the sake of the group. And, of course, the charity world – which is cracking under the pressure of this intense fight between two esteemed socialites. Tiffany drags LeeAnne over, then LeeAnne yanks Stephanie into the conversation.
Of course, the chat Tiffany facilitated doesn’t go as planned. She’s a rotten peer mediator. LeeAnne won’t admit to any wrong-doing by involving Cary and Stephanie and lecturing them about why they should ditch Brandi, or face ruination on the charity scene. Naturally, LeeAnne pretends she couldn’t be bothered by Brandi at all. Brandi is snarky and unabashedly antagonistic towards LeeAnne, wondering if she should show LeeAnne respect by calling her “Miss,” since LeeAnne is her elder and all. LeeAnne feels entitled to have Brandi bow down to her since she has lived such a dramatic life and has 12 years of experience on this upstart.
LeeAnne seethes that Brandi knows nothing about her. But actually Brandi does – since LeeAnne is constantly talking about her life at events, in the media, at charity functions… Brandi dismisses LeeAnne as full of shit. So LeeAnne responds in kind, but throwing shit – not at Brandi, mind you, but at Cary! – and flings her wine glass down on the ground, shattering it.
When Stephanie calls LeeAnne out for her unclassy (and hypocritical) behavior, LeeAnne turns around and hisses, right in Stephanie’s face, that she the will flush Stephanie’s charity world right down the toilet if she continues to defend that “little piece of trash,” Brandi. Right – cause nothing says that raising money and awareness for causes is important to you like threatening to cut off a valuable donor! Good job practicing what you preach, LeeAnne!
Brandi, not about to let her bestie be sneered at by LeeAnne’s threats, immediately steps in, but LeeAnne storms away. Stephanie bursts into tears. I think she really does fear the wrath and power of LeeAnne. Brandi hugs her and orders her not to cry.
I am over LeeAnne. She is not doing charity because of her heart; she’s doing charity for her ego and to promote herself, thus siphoning off attention. She found a way to get the support and recognition – however minute – from the Dallas elite in a way that they wouldn’t turn her away: by being their charity bitch (no wonder she loves dogs so much). LeeAnne does all the work, gets to go to their fancy events, and secures access to the socialite world. It’s like grifting for society invites. So bizarre!
Also – was anyone tired of looking at that brick wall?! Change of scenery on set!
TELL US – WAS BRANDI BAITING LEEANNE FOR AN ARGUMENT? OR IS LEEANNE COMPLETELY OUT OF LINE?!
[Photo Credits: Bravo]