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Vicki Gunvalson all alone

Last night was the season premiere of Real Housewives Of Orange County, and I’m thinking this is gonna be a very interesting season. 

I’m not a doctor, I just play one while I watch TV, so I really must psychoanalyze Vicki Gunvalson. After years of watching Real Housewives, I fully expect ‘The Crazies’ from these ladies (and yes, I am even waiting on Heather Dubrow to have her moment!), but in the case of Vicki there are obviously some deep roots connected to the Brooks Ayers mess. Unlike the other ladies, I am lucky to observe a respectful distance from Vicki’s crazies, which likely makes me a bit more compassionate.

If Vicki would just be honest – ha! – I think it would go a long way in regaining esteem among her castmates. If she would just be open about how she loved Brooks so much and so hard, that she couldn’t force herself to even consider the truth, and just admit that yes – at some point she did have red flags, but so desperately didn’t want to know so she put on blinders. I believe that then she would be able to begin healing with these women – and the audience.

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As of now, Vicki is still playing ‘Vicktimy’ and in denial mode. She absolutely DOES need to take some responsibility for the Brooks situation – and that does not mean fake ‘bending over” to make peace, it means really – oh hell, I cannot believe I am saying this – OWNING IT. (I promise, Lisa Rinna has not indoctrinated me!)

Vicki is so sad all by herself

Even though Vicki says Brooks lost like 400 lbs in 2 minutes, and that’s why she believed him, maybe he was just secretly using the Weight Watchers app. So now Vicki is oh-so very alone. While Vicki peeled her Cutie, and put on bathrobe (which surely came from the Yolanda Foster Collection for Fashionably NON-Depressed But Invisibly Chronically Unable To Have Fun), “All By Myself” was playing in my head. Vicki knows that song – Vicki has it on repeat in her head. I’m sure it’s also in her iTunes playlist under “Ode To Donn“. 

On the positive note, Vicki’s kitchen looks great, and so does her hair! And even though Vicki lays down sobbing in the driveway, begging him not to leave (where were Bravo cameras that day!), Brooks is finally gone! She washed that man right out of her hair – hopefully with some vodka, lemon, and leftover green juice, and in exchange Briana is returning to her! Briana and the fam are relocating to the OC, and Vicki acknowledges that if Brooks were skulking around, infiltrating the premises with bad juice-juice, and setting up affirmation bombs, that wouldn’t be happening. 

So enough about that – I, like Vicki, no longer want to talk  Brooks. Ev-ver again. I fear we are alone in this want. 

Tamra Judge workout

Tamra Judge is training for American Gladiators, or something, which is an excellent way for her to channel her need to constantly take people down. Also Jesus gave her a fabulous sex life and Eddie gives her numerous come to Jesus moments, which make her shout “Oh God!”. Gross. REMEMBER YOUR CUSTODY DISPUTE, TAM-RAWR. 

Now that Shannon Beador has reconnected with David she no longer needs her phony zen, and she took her nine lemons from her bowl and turned them into one giant sour puss face. But she’s so HAP-PPY! And over THE AFFAIR! It takes 2 years to get over infidelity from a husband, and how many seasons to get over Vicki’s friendship infidelity? I’ll check back with Shannon in 2020. Also the Beadors are downsizing to a place where Shannon can watch David more closely, but I’m sure it will still have a colonic room. 

Jim Edmonds Loves Candles

Meghan King Edmonds is making babies and candles, but of these two exciting ventures, Jimmy Dad Jeans is putting all his eggs in the candles basket! I guess he’s already done that baby thing a time or two! Jim had a vasectomy, so Meghan is getting IVF. She rambles on and on about her uterus, while Jim ignores her and sniffs candles. Maybe if Meghan put her Fallopian tubes into votive candles and made little wicks from his sperm, Jim would pay some attention? According to Meghan, Jim agreed to do this baby thing because he realized their marriage would be over otherwise, which seems kind of like the rationale about babies saving relationships that you hear on 16 And Pregnant, but this is Meghan, so scent me Not Surprised…

While Meghan is doing IVF, Jim is heading to St. Louis to coach baseball, so Meghan’s mom has to be by her side at the infertility doctor – even though needles are Meghan’s biggest fear, like, ever!

Meghan Edmonds gets IVF

Meghan has a sobbing fit over the IV needle, then screams bloody murder over getting the IVF scope. Maybe it does hurt, but if she’s freaking out over a few pinches down there, I fear for what happens when an 8 lb person is ramming its way out! Could she even handle getting an epidural –  that is a HUGE needle! I diagnose Meghan with failure to adult. Is there a candle for that?

Heather is STILL in her schlubby rental, while building an entire neighborhood to house refugees without Terry’s input on portrait windows and faucet placement which is so difficult, but otherwise Heather seems great. She is also looking so fresh this season. Since everything is going perfectly, Heather decided everyone should Du Like The Dubrow and be positive. This includes giving Vicki another chance. What spurned this suddenly spate of nonjudgmental chastisement, you ask? Over the holidays Terry had a health scare with his heart. Everything ended up being fine, but the situation frightened Heather into realizing life is short – too short to give Brooks have the last word (which would be drawn out all Southern Fried Holistic Hooey (and we’ve heard enough!)). 

Heather is throwing a yacht party and inviting all their closest friends – plus Vicki! – where she will announce her new loving, accepting, change of heart ways. Who put Shannon’s personality into Heather’s body? What type of mad science is happening over there on Botched?

Heather and Tamra go shopping for cocktail fruit trees, as one does, and in the lemon grove Heather confesses her plans to invite Vicki. Tamra is all but ugh – NOOOOOOO. I thought I would finally be the OG. I thought it was MY TURN to finally get ALL THE ATTENTIONS. Then she says Shannon won’t like it. Heather is impassive, because Heather rules this roost of cockamamie hens with an iron fist clad in a butter-soft Chanel glove, so no cocktails for them if they don’t behave, lay the right eggs, and cluck when she says cluck. Basically RHOC needs Heather or they’d be running around talking about how Jesus gave them orgasms and vodka is healthy since it comes from potatoes. 

Shannon

Shannon and Tamra get laser face therapy thing that replaces your entire face with rubber so it never ages, but the shock of Shannon receives from learning that Heather has betrayed her Vicki is invited to Heather’s party undid all that laser’s good work. I imagine Shannon high-pitched warbling into a vodka soda, “Well that was a fail. That damn Vicki – get out of my skin! Where’s my voodoo doll and crystals!? Maybe if I do a colonic on her voodoo doll she’ll be expunged!”

While Heather is calling Vicki, who seems pissy that Heather still has her number, but is then sweet as pie when accepting Heather’s invitation, Meghan is introducing us to Kelly Dodd. Of course any friend of Meghan’s has to be super annoying. Of course. Actually, so far, she’s even more annoying than Meghan. If Meghan is Stretch Armstrong Barbie, Kelly has lips which look like they belong on Mrs. Potato Head, (but I think they’re real). At some point Kelly was waring silly putty colored lipstick and it was all kinds of Island Of Misfit Toys in the Meghan/Kelly friend unit!

I should clarify I do think Kelly is pretty – until she opens her mouth. Then it’s all OH NO – SHUT THAT THING NOW AND SIT THERE SILENT AND SMILING WHILE FLIPPING YOUR RAZOR-SHARP BOB!

Kelly Makes Her Appearance

Over cocktails in a bar ironically called “Silent Women”, Kelly talks non-stop. About IVF, and the designer child she created in her fantasy womb, about being homecoming queen, and how La Quinta, CA is God’s Waiting Room – which means Tamra lives there, right, being that she’s always calling to God from her bed? 

Anyway, I don’t know about this Kelly. Later when I hear her make “tossed salad” jokes to her 11-year-old daughter, I double don’t like. Kelly is married to Michael, and confesses that marriage has been difficult, but she and her husband are partners. They share a 4-story home which looks over both a parking lot and a beach, and both her mother and brother live there, plus a dog and Kelly’s mouth. There is a bar on every floor – which is probably a necessity. 

Everything is GORGEOUS at Heather’s yacht party. The view is GORGEOUS! The table is GORGEOUS. All of the guests are GORGEOUS – even the one who arrives wearing Gretchen Rossi’s Hair (and hopefully not Gretchen Christine Bootay!). It’s GORGEOUS! GORGEOUS! GORGEOUS! GORGEOUS GALORE!

Vicki & Jeana

Even the arrival of Vicki can’t interrupt this GORGEOUS! Vicki has brought Jeana Keough as her date, being that she has no friends left. Vicki and Jeana have been through so much, that everything is water under a yacht’s prowl at this point. And prowl Vicki does – prowl for forgiveness, prowl for the lone woman floating in the midst who is most likely to give her another chance. Imagine Vicki crying on a dingy singing “Part Of Your World” (There is a musical theme to this recap, no?). The woman of the forgiveness mist will NOT be Shannon. She has given all her forgiveness crystals to David and there are none left to spare! Shannon seems to have channeled all her AFFAIR angst into hating Vicki, which I guess if you have to save your marriage, or your made for TV friendship – I’d choose the former too. 

Meghan brought Kelly, and right away she’s loud, abrasive, and making lame jokes about being MC Hammer’d and trying to shove her boobs in Tamra’s mouth. Basically, they’re soul mates. Shannon, on the other hand, treats Kelly like if she touches her, a sticky residue will get on her hands, and that’s probably toxic, and she doesn’t have her nebulizer or her crystal hand sanitizer cause it won’t fit in her clutch, and OH NO Kelly TOUCHED HER PHONE! (Let’s hope she didn’t also get Shannon’s private number in the process!). 

Kelly bonds with Tamra

Vicki loves Kelly immediately. She’s on the hunt for a Nu-Tamra, just as Tamra is in the business of finding a replacement Vicki – because this is their dysfunctional pattern. Kelly and Vicki share an aesthetician, and a love of whooping it up, and presumably being crazy. Meghan tersely warns Kelly to be wary of Vicki, who is probably using her, but Kelly is all like WOO HOO – A TOXIC FRIENDSHIP! CAN I GET DRUNK FROM THAT?! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Over dinner, Shannon refuses to look at Vicki, and Jeana notices the negativity emanating from the Beador faction of the table. Then Heather gives a super lovely toast sharing how Terry’s health scare motivated this gorgeous party! I’m glad Terry put his heart into it.  

Through tears, Heather shares remarked jokingly, “We wanted to invite everyone we love to share this special night with us… they weren’t available, so we called you!” Everyone laughs, because Heather is a gorgeous hostess and really understands poignancy and timing – she was an ack-tress and all!

David mutters to Shannon, comparing Brooks fake cancer to Terry’s health matter, “Is that like pretending to have cancer, when you don’t?” Vicki realizes that no one is going to easily forgive so her merely being around, and waiting until they relent, isn’t going to work. 

Vicki apologizes to Heather

Vicki asks to speak to Heather privately and takes her to stern of the boat, where mercifully she did not push her off, nor force her into a Titanic moment. Instead, Vicki warbles that Heather’s speech reminded her of how much she wants love – so desperately – and that because she wanted that from Brooks sooooo desperately she handled things very badly last season and owes Heather an apology. Vicki does NOT admit to having any role in Brooks’ cancer scam, nor does she admit to knowing if he was faking it, but I guess BabySteps, BabySteps, BabySteps – maybe she can nab a fish from somewhere on this boat, put it in a bag, and wear it round her neck for companionship. (#WhatAboutBob). Something tells me Kelly may be up to the task of playing that fish… 

Sometimes I write I recap and at the end I’m like what crack was I smoking? This may be one of those times… haha!

 TELL US – DO YOU THINK VICKI DESERVES FORGIVENESS? WHAT DO YOU THINK OF KELLY SO FAR?

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

 

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