I honestly don’t know where to begin with last night’s trip to Ireland, except that I’m incredibly disappointed that there were no cameras rolling to see Heather Dubrow get kicked out of a bathroom, Kim Richards-style, in a high-class department store, then escorted out the door for being one of those raucous Americans. You just know that was the very most earth-shatteringly distressing moment of Heather’s life.
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Heather probably stamped her foot, did an indignant hair flip and sniffed, “Well I never! I am WEAR-RING Chanel! Annnnnd I can afford to buy MORE!” All huffy with proper actress-y enunciation. While Bravo was subtitling Tamra‘s shrieks about Kelly being a bitch for talking about her daughter, they could have been capturing Heather!
As all Real Housewives trips do, Ireland started off so promising, but then someone had to invite the crazy person who could only leave her crazy baggage packed for so long. The trip was precluded by the usual packing montage. Shannon Beador acted as if she tossed a few things in her suitcase and River Danced out the door. In reality, Shannon probably grabbed four or five of her still-unemptied moving boxes (hopefully not the ones filled with Mallard decoys and curtains), then rolled her giant portable medical case to the taxi, slapped a luggage tag on it all, and was out. Maybe she swiped a bottle of vodka from Kelly’s on her way out of town? #FriendlyNeighborhoodPharmascist
Heather meticulously rolled her Chanel umbrella, waving it in her assistant’s face looking for accolades. Vicki Gunvalson was supervised by Briana, who noticed a suspicious pair of men’s shoes and worried that the ghost of Brooks was haunting them. Then Briana noticed they were designer Italian shoes and breathed a sigh of relief that Vicki is just Slutty Grandma!
Tamra farted on Eddie to mark her territory. Do not sniff! And Kelly and Michael had another tender-hearted conversation about how wonderful their marriage would be if Michael stopped being so awful. He promised, again, to try harder then did a jig that he was free of the wicked witch of the west coast. What’s with Kelly’s enormous collection of hats? Why does this woman have so many? To cover up her Devil Horns? #SatanIsConfusing
Meghan Edmonds waxes poetic about discovering her Irish ancestors with a genealogist, who is probably someone Bravo paid to put on antique-looking spectacles and photocopy the genealogy chart they pass out to every tourist. Here’s a pint and a picture of your great-great-great-grandfather O’Toole, the famous revolutionary from the Mashed Potato Wars. It was stapled to a pub crawl map featuring a ticket for BOGO Bangers And Mash. He actually told Meghan she could touch anyone in town and probably be related to them. [ROLLING MY EYES]
The hotel is gorgeous. It looks like Shannon’s living room, so she’s right at home in the old lady zone. Poor Meghan and Heather, though; Heather is forced to room with Vicki and Meghan got stuck with Kelly.
The ladies are greeted with signature Irish cocktail – Guiness mixed with champs. It must have been revolting, because they all took one teensy sip, then carried it around with them until they could toss it over the balcony. Vicki got more than a cocktail – she also received a reminder of the c-ck from the night before: flowers from Steve were waiting at the hotel. Well, Vicki said they were from Steve – she probably sent them to herself!
Everyone seems in good spirits. But then enter the pub crawl…
There is no greater dismantling to a Housewives event than a few shots. Add in the potent combination of a totally insane person with her shaky system of strategic allies, and you have got a recipe for disaster. One that gives you more farts than bangers and mash after a few pints.
If there is ever proof we need that Kelly is off her rocker, it’s whatever she was wearing to pub-crawl. Except for Shannon, everyone else was dressed for a dreary day, but Kelly made a hotel sheet into a skirt, and paired it with Herman Munster shoes. Reach waaaay back in your Luann de Lesseps history books for that reference!
Kelly’s outfits are always the worst! Even Vicki, who can be abominably declasse in her boob-bearing dresses, put together a cute and practical outfit. Tamra was wearing a t-shirt she got from one of those Spring Break stores that read “Kiss Me I’m Irish. DUBLIN,” but what can you expect from someone with the perpetual maturity of a 16-year-old?
Shannon is wearing a sequined shirt she probably grabbed from mugging an old lady outside bingo on Shamrock night.
Meghan skips the pub-crawl to meet with the genealogist. Honestly who the hell cares – that was like the post-bangers and mash nap before the hooley. So she goes off to learn about how her ancestors invented stout beer, while Vicki shoves shots down Tamra’s throat. Literally.
Before the ladies leave the first pub, they’re three sheets to the wind.
Since Tamra is doing her fitness competition, she’s not supposed to drink, but knowing that Vicki has hijacked the fun bus and filled the tank with WOO HOO’s, Tamra is allowing herself one day to get crazy. And Vicki fully exploits it.
Everyone is getting along – even Vicki and Shannon – but Kelly kept doing this annoying thing where she would point at some fake stain on your shirt, then when you looked down, she’d flick your nose. It’s a John The Drycleaner joke. It’s not funny the first time, but Kelly keeps doing it over and over again, then it becomes annoying and invasive.
Kelly is the worst. She is the absolute worst. She’s completely insecure and she masks that by doing outrageous things to get attention, then insists no one gets her humor. By pub 3, Vicki The Icky has sexually harassed 3 publicans with lewd bangers and mash references and asking them to fill her love tank with their Irish cream, and Kelly has flicked off all the ladies one too many times. The chips have fallen and it’s time to brawl.
Ironically WHOOP IT UP Vicki has no tolerance for Drunk Kelly. Or is it that Vicki back in the good graces of the cool girls has no tolerance for Kelly? After Kelly flicks Vicki, Vicki immediately tells her she doesn’t like it, then wanders away to complain to Tamra, who calls Kelly a “d-ck.” Well if the clunky shoe fits, wear it.
As Tamra is walking to the bathroom, she tells Kelly that she’s being annoying, and Kelly sneers “keep walking.” “Kelly has this really amazing ability to just take a really good time and… knock it on its ass,” Heather notes. Actually, kick in its ass!
Heather sighs. She gets out her Chanel compact to check her makeup in preparation for what will surely be an argument – an actress is always prepared! Heather is fully expecting to hover above the fray, per her usual, but then Kelly drags her in kicking and screaming.
I don’t know how a drunken hissy fit escalated into Kelly complaining that Heather should think getting flicked in the face is funny because she’s Jewish and, and Jewish people usually have a sense of humor. Kelly failed to see how this was in anyway inappropriate and defended herself by explaining that she’s not racist because “she’s Mexican.” Ummm… no, that’s not quite how bigotry works, dearie.
And where was Vicki during all of this, you ask?
Dry humping the publican? Nowhere to be found in defense of Kelly, that’s where!
Since Tamra cannot help but shit-stir and make a bad situation even WORSE, she decides this is the time to lecture drunk Kelly on her filthy mouth and then throw out there how Kelly has been digging into Heather’s finances.
Through a realtor friend, Super-Sleuth Kelly (no wonder she’s friends with Meghan!) discovered that Heather bought her lot on a loan. This intended spurious accusation that the Dubrows aren’t as wealthy as they pretend, turns out to be totally blown out of proportion because Kelly and Tamra were actually talking about the FIRST lot Heather and Terry bought together, and nobody honestly can be expected to believe Heather’s “career” as an actress of bit parts was successful enough to buy a lot in Orange County. Of course the Dubrows got a loan – why is this scandalous?
Heather laughs it off as ridiculous, but Tamra, who has seen the devil in Kelly Dodd, must fight with all her might to exorcise him. Kelly has flicked the wrong one, and so help her, Jesus… Except Jesus was on vacation that day. He was in the Bahamas, not Ireland, though, so Tamra was left to her own devices and the old Tamra came out.
Kelly denies investigating Heather and screams that Tamra is a ‘f–king liar.’ Tamra gets in Kelly’s face, and back and forth. Heather looks on with impassive disgust, then decides they all need some retail therapy. I understand where Heather was going with this diversion, but taking five drunk women, two of whom have just been screaming at each other, into a high class department store? No.
On the way into the store, a furious Kelly mutters to Shannon “no wonder her daughter doesn’t speak to her,” referring to Tamra’s custody battle. Of course, as soon as Shannon sees Tamra, she relays Kelly’s comment. REALLY!? She couldn’t wait? She had to do it then when things were just calming down?!
Unfortunately, we didn’t get the visuals, but we did overhear Tamra shrieking at Kelly, then Kelly accusing Tamra of hitting her. Then Tamra hyperventilating in a van while Shannon rocked her. I’m shocked Shannon didn’t whip out some emergency moon inhaler to re-regulate Tamra’s detoxifying, organic, cleansing sobs.
We also missed Heather getting tossed out of the store like drunken riffraff trying to wash her pits in their bathroom. On the van to the hotel, instead of sitting by Kelly, Vicki consoles Tamra. Kelly turns around, yelling, and as Heather is so often forced to do with Kelly, reverts to Mean Mommie Mode, and tells Kelly to shush! “I’ve heard enough,” she snaps.
Vicki is disgusted that the ladies were acting like such “hillbillies” as if she’s some great judge of character. Who does she think she is? The elitist Madame Dubrow?!
Kelly storms into Meghan’s room and starts screaming that the women were “ganging up on her” and it was “four against one.” Kelly sobs that she was blowing off steam with her comment about Tamra‘s daughter – so it’s Shannon‘s fault Tamra found out! REALLY KELLY?! REALLY?! REALLY?!
Meghan is shocked Kelly “went there.” A hysterical Kelly decides she can’t go to dinner with these mean and horrible girls who just yelled at her for NO REASON. Weirdly Meghan begs Kelly to come, even though everyone else was literally screaming at the TV, “NO! Kelly stay home!” Was Meghan bummed she missed all the drama while trying to poke her ancestral cousins?
Does Kelly not understand how human relationships work? (This is obviously a rhetorical question.) When you instigate and insult people on the lowest level, repeatedly, you are not the victim. I would say Kelly has been hanging out with VICKtim Gunvalson for too long, but this pattern has been going on with Kelly long before Vicki piddled on Kelly to mark her territory! Just look at how Kelly approaches her issues with Michael. Kelly: Some things are actually your fault.
Kelly and Tamra may be incredibly similar with their outbursts and denials, but at least Tamra is trying to work on herself. Baby Steps, Itty-bitty Baby Steps, for sure, but Kelly…
Without Kelly, the ladies have a blast at dinner. Drunk Vicki bumps and grinds on the dance floor until she got “jigged on” while all the other women crack up in genuine fun. Heather teases that Vicki is the horniest person she’s ever met… it’s the love thank that doesn’t fill….
Neglected at the hotel, poor pariah Kelly calls Michael to bemoan about how awful and cruel the girls are to her. She wants to come home right now! Michael insists she stay (of course he does – he doesn’t want her either!) to defend herself and encourages her not to apologize. OH. MY. GOD. These two are a mess. It is clear to me they only get along when they have a common enemy (remember Shannon’s 70’s party?).
TELL US – DID TAMRA SHIT-STIR OR WAS KELLY’S COMMENT COMPLETELY OUT OF LINE? IS VICKI THE HORNIEST HOUSEWIFE?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]