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Well last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills was really something! Erika Jayne went from having no feelings she lets out, to melting into a puddle of icky goo. Don’t even get me started on Lisa Rinna. She needs to play Freeze Tag with her own lips. But we learned a very important thing: if you do not abide by the Buddha’s preach for peace and goodwill, you’re going to get served a severed friendship, surrounded by unfounded accusations.

When I say last night was not a good look for Erika, I mean that literally. She has a pretty cry face, but good lord, her sobbing and swearing at Eileen Davidson with 10 feet of pancake makeup and and Tammy Faye Baker eyes was frightening, Wicked Witch Of The West style. Honey those glams you pay need to tone down the fabulous.

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What I realize is that I, like Erika, have so many feelings about last night’s episode:

  1. I go back and forth with Dorit Kemsley. I appreciate that she doesn’t back down. I don’t like that she equivocates constantly. I love that she mimicked Erika with her finger holding her nose – that was hilarious. She is a bullshit person though in a lot of respects.
  2. I still love Eileen. It’s moments like her cutting through the BS and defending Dorit, even if it’s unpopular with her friend Erika, that make me respect her. This is First Season Eileen we found so superb.
  3. Lisa Vanderpump is correct  – riding a gondola a million feet above a river and up a mountainside is far safer than having inner with Lipsa! A gondola isn’t going to accuse you of doing coke to avoid the dessert course. Although I do think this was an interesting observation on Lipsa’s part. Perhaps Lipsa is just such intolerable dinner company that she found herself the cheese that stands alone, but really – what sort of hostess leaves a guest who scarcely knows them sitting at the table? Dorit, your slip is showing – it’s polyester and it comes from Fredrick’s Of Hollywood.
  4. Kyle Richards is still and forevermore annoying. I almost wished a giant arm would reach through the glass bottom of the gondola, squeeze Kyle’s ankle and pretend to yank her through. Maybe then she’d stop wailing and carrying on like the Titanic had taken her children. Her trying to bring Kim Richards’ nonsense into the fight between Dorit and Lipsa – SHUT UP ABOUT KIMKILLAH RAMBLES RICHARDS!
  5. Also, Kyle needs a fashion intervention. First there was that Blanche Devereaux leopard-print kaftan ensemble on the junk boat. Then there was that disjointed dress she wore to the Buddha which created boob shelf due to the placement of her belt.
  6. Erika was channeling “Samaria Barbie” with her dinner look? More like a Pokemon character.
  7. At least Eden Sassoon‘s wig was the only extra thing about her. For once.

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So, here we are, stranded on a junk boat. The drama all began over Dorit’s insinuations that Lipsa is abusing Xanax. Now I think Lipsa is crazier than a corkscrew with a banana on top, but clearly the woman isn’t dosing herself with Xanax smoothies every day. I know this because she never SHUTS UP or shuts down. Lipsa claims she heard this little tidbit from her sixth sense, also known as an unnamed source, also known as this feeling she gets in her throat when whatever on her mind combines with bacteria and bubbles into an insane word spew. What I’m getting at here is that we all know it is Erika who told Lipsa.

And that’s why this fight suddenly became not about what Dorit said, but about what Dorit did and didn’t do. Specifically when it came to panties. And that’s why it’s suddenly not about Lipsa at all, but about Erika and Dorit.

RELATED – Erika Has Finally Forgiven Dorit?!

I, like LVP, just don’t get what the big deal is at this point. Sure – Dorit handled it badly, and PK is a lecherous creep, but her defense of him is mandatory given that he is directly connected to her Rose Gold Bentley. Now, would I personally go around advertising that my husband stares up random acquaintances skirts? No. But what I do I know – I’m not from CT, impersonating a British person with an Australian accent. Maybe PK’s behavior is normal ’round Dorit’s parts?

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The other thing is, Dorit is fibbing. She absolutely questioned if Erika was flashing intentionally. But for a lady who was so affronted by Lipsa’s misremember earlier this season, she sure has a lot of Oops – I crapped my brain moments. So which is it Dorit: do you not remember, or do you just not care to? Whatever the case – Dorit DID question whether Erika flashed PK on purpose (as if!) and she did insinuate that Erika should get over it. And she IS the one who made it a big deal. And yes, at first, all the women thought giving the panties was a funny joke, but once it was apparent that Erika was hurt, Eileen and Kyle both tried to tell Dorit that. So Dorit trying to blame “these girls” for stirring the pot – no it was your girl PK who stirred the puss, and you who patted it dry. Lipsa didn’t need to shove her finger in Dorit’s face to make this point though.

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Yet, the bottom line (pun intended!) is that Erika should’ve aired her grievances a lot sooner.

Respectively, I feel that both women held their own in this fight. Dorit can be a BS person, and she is desperate to be considered important, but Erika is delusional about her own importance as well, and she does pay sycophants to tell her how fabulous she is all day.

So, after all of that bravado, Erika retreats to the bottom of the boat and starts to cry. LVP follows her, and now Erika is upset that everyone is seeing her cry. Erika doesn’t want your hugs and cuddles and sympathy, dammit! She just wants to be alone, frozen in her own glory, stared at like an animal exhibit in a zoo. Bedecked by the sparkles of a million lighters. She is Erika JAAAAAAAYNE. And her tweeter is on fire. But look, only don’t look. Yes, that makes no sense, because that’s how Erika makes me feel: like no sense trying to posture itself as sense.

Erika’s sudden explosion of emotion was like shaking up a snow globe and discovering the little town actually looks less pretty covered in dandruff white chunks. After that, no one is much feeling like dinner or drinks, so the groups splinter off. One team treks to the safety and security of church Chanel, where even quilted bags couldn’t remove the searing sting of Erika’s accusations that Dorit is desperate for her friendship; so blindly desperate for it she’d sell her firstborn Birkin for a little of Erika’s attention and praise. Now I don’t think that, but I do think Dorit feels a universal need to be liked that isn’t just about trying to be nice.

The other group retires to the hotel where a tear-soaked Erika is embarrassed people she knows have seen her cry. Erika’s don’t cry! They mist! They evolve, like a Pokemon, into a higher form with more sophisticated attack features. Finally, emotionally exhausted, Eden yanks off her wig, and they all go to bed. Except Lipsa who probably did some Jane Fonda aerobics in her room because she was so jazzed up by shoving her finger in Dorit’s face.

The next day, over the river and through the woods to Buddha’s temple they go! He is large and in charge and has no time for their messy BS, so the women, fearing the wrath of Buddha’s revenge, are on their best behavior and even show their deference by covering their bad outfits in ponchos.

Erika waltzes around as if nothing happened the night before. At the sight of her, Dorit has turned to stone, afraid to blink for fear that Erika will misinterpret this as an intentional jab meant to imply some hidden intent,or another pathetic attempt at wannabe friendship.

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First they must survive the gondola. In one carriage, LVP egged on Kyle’s melodrama’s until Kyle’s “tweeter” went numb.  In the other carriage, the women, tired from Erika Jayne‘s emotional performance the night before, serenely take photos.

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On the temple grounds, lighting enormous incense and calling Maurico doesn’t bring inner peace, so they finally decide to embrace the rain and walk all the way up to the tippy-top to Buddha. For one pleasant moment, no one behaved insanely. Ergo Buddha was a complete waste. Of Miu Miu and Valentino shoes, that is, because by dinner everyone was in Satan’s territory again.

Before dinner, both Dorit and Erika confer with their glammies to find their centers. Is this their version of yoga? Dorit doesn’t understand why Erika never told her how her feelings were hurt. Instead, she’s blaming Dorit for not apologizing and is mad at Dorit for subsequently trying to apologize. It’s a lose-lose situation. Another Housewives miscommunication that has become an asteroid hurtling doom towards dinner parties. Uh-Oh…. somebody’s crying.

For someone who can’t find a spoon in her own kitchen, Lipsa is an expert at stirring the pot. Before the first sushi roll is served, she wonders if Dorit has apologized to Erika for wounding her pride and causing her embarrassing feelings displays. Dorit’s mouth is open. And not to insert a chopstick.

Then, like berries and Xanax through the blender, Lipsa whirls things up to a frenzy by asking if Dorit trusts PK? She must not, considering how threatened she is by Erika’s vajaynejayne. Kyle is affronted. How DARE Lipsa make such a comment after she was so angry over Kim’s comments about what Harry did. Well, yes and no: Kim’s comment was baseless, where as PK has gleefully inserted himself in the goings on underneath a Housewife’s skirt. I do think Lipsa’s comment was equally rude and ruthless.

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According to Kyle, husbands are off-limits, so it’s not fair that Dorit’s marriage be questioned. Naturally, this brings Erika to Tom. Apparently, HE has been deeply offended by rumors that Erika is intentionally flashing other women’s husbands. And now that it’s out there, the woman who is rolling around stage in a thong, has a bad reputation? Forgive me, but I don’t get this? I mean Erika Jayne, this denizen of so-called Female Empowerment, is now crying because Dorit’s off-hand comment insinuating Erika didn’t care if she flashed people, will upset Tom’s life and is harming their marriage? I thought Tom was No. 1 in Erika Jayne’s Pussy Patrol?

RELATED – Once Again, Harry Defends Lisa!

Erika shrills that there is NOTHING! Absolutely NOTHING! Dorit can do to earn her forgiveness, except apologize to Tom and also have PK apologize to Tom. Dorit will not do this – she does not run PK, despite what Erika thinks.

Dorit, though, oh Dorit – little engine that can’t, she tries again and again to apologize. Perhaps this is why Eileen defends her? Last year, Eileen would’ve given her false lashes to get an apology from LVP, who wouldn’t budge, but Dorit is flinging apologizes at Erika left and right.

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Poor Eileen – she simply tried to do the right thing by pointing out that Dorit, for all her social gaffes and tacky endeavors, was never attempting to be malicious. And she’s right. Eileen has maintained this point all along. So Eileen, trying to be the Buddha, tells Erika, that Dorit is trying to sincerely apologize – and it’s not like she killed her child or something, meaning the offense was not SO heinous that it’s unforgivable as Erika purports. Is Tom locking her in the chapel and forcing her to read Bar Exam texts after hearing that she unintentionally flashed PK?

Unfortunately, Erika did not take this kindly and reacted by swearing at a flustered Eileen to shut the f–k up about her son because Eileen has NO IDEA what it’s like to be the mother of a police officer. Eileen, bless her heart, tried to smooth things over and just move on to the fish course or whatever it was, but Erika was hellbent on accusing Eileen of intentionally minimizing her feelings. It was a whole hot mess of plastic short-circuiting, meltdown, that had every other woman at the table – even LVP, even Kyle, even Dorit, defending Eileen in earnest, while Eileen sat there with tears brimming over her eyes, looking shell-shocked.

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With all of this going on, Dorit does finally have the wherewithal to finally SHUT. UP. To not try and mend things with Erika or explain herself. It’s not like Dorit could get a word in edgewise between Lipsa’s obstreperous ranting, Erika’s intractable accusations, and Eileen’s obsequious apologizes, so she just sits there, silently.

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That is until Lipsa, once again, asks Dorit an inappropriate probing question – this time wondering if she does coke in her own bathroom during her own dinner parties, aka “getting touched up,” or if she’s just so rude as to leave guests wasting away at the table until the butler throws them out with the crumbs? I mean, LIPSA! Really?! Now were tit-for-tat drug accusations: Was it Lipsa with the Xanax (allegedly) or Dorit with the toot (allegedly)?!

Seriously – never have I ever had a harder time recapping an episode. And never have I ever been left feeling so WTF? So please, correct me if I’ve Dorited or Lipsad and simply forgotten a pivotal point. Now I’ll be having a Xanax smoothie and going to lie down.

TELL ME – WTF? DID ERIKA OVERREACT OR DOES EILEEN NEED TO BUTT-OUT? SHOULD DORIT BE FORGIVEN? HAS LIPSA GONE TOO FAR?

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

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