Hand me some smelling salts, cause I have the vapors after part 4 of the Real Housewives Of Atlanta! Well all knew it was coming, but somehow seeing Phaedra Parks expose herself as a bonafide liar and a fraud of the sort that even surpasses Housewives nastiness was still a shock! And I don’t even know what to call her, an emotionless vessel of shade that has reached its sell-by date, but that nonsense went TOO FAR! Actually it went beyond crossing the line into crossing the galaxy.
There we all are, sitting on the reunion stage in our sparkly dresses, with our hair all puffed up, and our smirks frozen into irritated condescension, our voices permanently poised at a register for battle and self-defense, when out Porsha Williams came out with the revelation Phaedra is the one who told her of Kandi Burruss‘ alleged plan to drug and rape her one fateful night. Phaedra related that she heard this information this directly from the Kandi Factory – more specifically from Kandi’s mouth.
Since this was no word on the street, Porsha decided it was believable, and “asked” Kandi about it in front of millions, then spent months defending herself against accusations that she’s a liar.
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When confronted with the cold hard facts, the wheels of Phaedra’s denial started spinning like a stationary bike on decline, but everybody knows the truth will set you free! Or at least set you free from keeping up appearances in this case. Phaedra tried to insist she was only repeating to Porsha what someone else told her, but the entire story came out, and there was no way around Phaedra’s lies. Porsha and Kandi exploded into simultaneous emotional break downs. Meanwhile Sheree Whitfield barely broke a sweat. I was Cynthia Bailey here – staring mouth agape, frozen in shock, and wondering what episode of the Twilight Zone I climbed inside and if it was time to take off my Spanx and make popcorn.
Everybody knows that if you’re gonna be stupid enough to lie on somebody, at least cover your tracks better than relying on a Housewife with Anger Management issues and a shaky grasp of adulting. Although I will say, Porsha did an admirable job of holding Phaedra down all season, never wavering from the Frick to show the crack!
Kandi is beside herself with rage that she was framed as a would-be rapist all on the back of Phaedra’s vendettas. Or something. When pressed by our intrepid (HA) host Andy Cohen and everyone else Phaedra had no answer for why she did it. The stupidest thing is her continually denying that she did it for revenge or anger. She gives absolutely no answer for why she lied to Porhsa or why when Kandi turned to Phaedra for support in Maui, Phaedra continued to say NOTHING! But still went ahead and held that restoration service. Restore my donkeybooty – more like Hypcristation Service!
Well, now Everybody knows Phaedra Parks is f–ked up, gone asunder, with no air mattress restitution in sight! As Porsha ‘sobbed’ (and I think I saw a tear or two?) then excused herself, Cynthia wondered what sort of an attorney would make such libelous accusations? Meanwhile the peanut gallery featuring Krayonce muttered that Porsha and Phaedra are both liars, and attempted to spin this as vindication for herself. While, yes, they may both be liars, Kenya is still one as well. And furthermore, why is she always trying to make EVERYTHING about her?! Can’t anybody else ever be the victim? Can’t Krayonce stop with the shenanigans (rhetorical question), and permit Kandi this moment for justice all on her own?!
Then Kandi freaks and decides she too needs to escape the madness by running off stage. Porsha sobs to her sister about being betrayed and used, because she would never ever lie about someone! Shamea Morton seized this opportunity to sidle right over to Porsha and collect her $200 for crossing ‘I Told You So…’ but Porsha is still not ready for the truth. She just wants support for being done WRONG as a friend! Kandi also tries to collect herself and process that Phaedra not only would say this about her but even worse Porsha believed it, then repeated it!
As Porsha sits in make up for a touch-up, still shaky and fanning herself with a craft services paper plate (where is Krayonce’s has-been fan when one needs it?!), Phaedra tries in vain to apologize, and insist she didn’t mean to hurt her. Porsha is not hearing it – as she should not.
Andy pretends to be beside himself, but he doesn’t look surprised at all. He was basically checking his watch, wondering how long he had to wait before forcing them all back on stage to ‘work through it’. Is Andy cut from the same cloth as Phaedra? That cloth is burlap and does not absorb the heart of any matter, plus it scratches real bad.
So many thoughts. Here are mine:
There is no excusing Phaedra. I, like Cynthia, don’t even know what to think! Not only did Phaedra lie once, but Porsha asked twice for clarification and Phaedra reiterated that lie. She tripled-down on that lie! I’m thinking Phaedra’s facade needs to crack because the lack of emotion she displayed was gobsmacking. What is in her holy water? Maybe the devil did indeed go down to Georgia and snatch her right up?!
In any case, Phaedra needs to find that Jesus and ask him to fix her!
Phaedra actually had a RESTORATION SERVICE to bring unity to the group, yet she never thought, in all that hypocritical time, that it was the right moment to RESTORE herself?! We all make mistakes… OK, well maybe we don’t all tell massive, fraudulent, slanderous, libelous tales on national TV, but um… taking this with a healthy grain of salt, we all make mistakes. In Maui, Phaedra had the opportunity to attempt to backtrack. She should have asked to speak to Kandi one-on-one, admitted she had perpetrated a lie, that she is the one who spread it to Porsha and admitted she had no excuse for herself but was sorry. Apparently by the time the Maui trip occurred, Phaedra had only told Porsha the drug and rape thing once. Porsha asked for Clarification Part 1 during the trip after the dinner where Kandi looked to Phaedra to provide backup that she would never use drugs, let alone plot to roofie a friend and co-worker.
If Phaedra was any kinda attorney worth her salt, she should’ve right there given herself the ‘out’ to claim it just slipped out in the heat of the moment after she heard it from someone else, but admitted that she lied to Porsha about the source. Restoration maaaaaaaybe could have had a half-change then.
Porsha does not get a pass. Girl – PUH-LEAZE. You are 35-years-old and should be smart enough to think about Cause & Effect. Porsha was sobbing that she had been used (she was) and that she never would have repeated it if she didn’t trust Phaedra, but still! That is the type of thing you just DO NOT REPEAT on national TV. Not at all. Not only could that destroy Kandi’s business and reputation (apparently she’s been being compared to Bill Cosby), but she has children!
The worst was also Andy, acting like the circus ringleader, wandering around the big top, twirling his cane, tipping his hat, and reminding the women the show must go on! Really? I think the trapeze is faltering and someone needs to close the Big Top pending an internal investigation from HR concerning workplace safety! This is the time for all to PUMP. THOSE. BREAKS. and find out when the lock on the lion cage broke!
The worst of the worst, though is Phaedra continuing with the lie and maintaining that she isn’t mad at Kandi. Cynthia tries to explain how that’s simply ridiculous, but it falls on deaf ears covered by wigs and delusional Housewives bubbles that completely obscure actual reality from TV reality.
With everyone corralled back on stage, Phaedra is about as hollow as a dead tree, and gives no answers, not admitting or apologizing for anything. Then Kenya, not getting enough attention, asks if Todd playing the role of “Marvin” in NYC to get extracurricular tail was another figment of Phaedra’s imagination. It was, but apparently she actually really DID hear that from the streets. These streets… I’d stay off ’em! Interestingly, Phaedra is more concerned about apologizing to Porsha than Kandi.
Seriously, though, did Kenya irk anyone else? Her smirking and posturing, her annoying phone call to Brandon, about how she has finally proven what liars Porsha and Phaedra are and how Porsha doesn’t deserve forgiveness. Go worry about yourself for once! Even She By SheMessyAsHell had the dignity to just keep her mouth shut, play the ‘support’ role, and let Phunerals By Phaedra call Willie Watkins to bury herself!
Then after ALL that Andy still decides to go ahead with the planned segment about the break-down of Kandi and Phaedra’s friendship. Cause uh, we didn’t see that illustrated enough?! Everybody knows a dog in fox’s clothing does not have any sparkle under its tail. That obviously makes no sense, but neither did anything else that happened last night so I mean it’s OK, right?
In addition to Phaedra attempting, I guess, to ruin Kandi’s business from the backend with all those lies, she came at it from the front too by helping Johnnie with his case against Kandi for unpaid overtime. He attests that Kandi owes him $168,000 (and change). Phaedra again shrugs – she just was doing her job as an attorney, representing a client in need and there was no secret revenge motive. BULLSHITAKE! Kandi sneers she could’ve had Angela Stanton backstage, ready to pounce on Phaedra in an effort to expose all her secrets and talk about that book that’s all a so-called lie as well. Also, it’s not like Kenya didn’t attempt to bring Angela out in a previous reunion… ‘member that?
Now of course Kandi did have a serious “mad day” concerning Phaedra, and no matter what she claims, Mama Joyce was not acting alone. Perhaps MJ and Phaedra should team up, harness their powers for evil together, and really stir things up? Furthermore, why, after all this, is anyone still sweating the Mr. Chocolate drama? Apollo’s fiancé is trotting around, claiming they’ve been together for 2 years, yet we’re still acting as if Phaedra is so wrong for talking to another man? Of all the things Phaedra has done – and everybody knows there’s been A LOT – that just seems so silly!
Are we still acting as if Kandi had a right to dog Phaedra as a friend over this? Of course, everybody knows Phaedra will see your shitty friendship and raise you double!
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Since there is literally nothing else that could be said about this disaster of a reunion, which even managed to top the brawl, Andy makes the rounds asking for final thoughts. Sheree had a good reunion – she got to confront Bob, and let Andy Fix Her Life! Cynthia, well she made Fifty-Cyn look good and was rewarded with a birthday cake that looked like it had a coffin on top of it. I think Cynthia was at her best wading through the Phaedra/Porsha/Kandi muck, and was the only one who offered up genuine reactions and attempted to explain how it had crossed a terrible line.
Despite Frack’s pleas-ish for forgiveness, Porsha is obviously not ready – especially since Phaedra STILL refuses to own her lies! Porsha realized that as “f–ked up” as it all was, it turned into a reckoning moment for her as she apologized even to Kenya (she finally FINALLY got her vindication too!) and declared that she doesn’t want to be a person who is part of this type of awfulness. Is that some adulting? It seemed genuine, but we’ll see!
Well, Phaedra needs to drink some of Lisa Rinna’s Own It! smoothie, and perhaps ask her pastor to restore her to humanity. Is it possible? Well, I have my doubts, but stranger things, right?!
TELL US – WHAT THE F–K?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]