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We are only on episode two of the new season of Shahs of Sunset and I’m already tired of hearing the Persian Priestess turned Diamond Water Maker turned Kaftan Peddler Asa Soltan Rahmati go on and on about her unborn vegan baby. I wish someone could give me an epidural for the rest of the season to take the pain away.

Speaking of things we have to endure, Golnesa “GG” Gharachedaghi is back in full effect this episode and she is ready to make amends all over the place. I don’t even know if she understands what she is apologizing for but she plans on throwing those apologies out faster than she can go from belligerent drunk to blackout drunk. GG arrives at Asa’s house to eat some hummus and drink the weird watermelon juice Asa has set out. Note: not diamond water. But Asa is true to her new craft, the overpriced kaftans she wears nonstop, and today is no exception. GG shovels zucchini into her mouth with her talons and tells Asa how skinny she looks, despite Asa’s constant attempts to get GG to notice her baby bump.

When GG pushes Asa off her golden swan floaty and Asa emerges from the pool, soaking wet and kaftan clinging to her five month pregnant stomach, GG finally gets it with a resounding, “b*tch, you pregnant!?” Asa is happy to confirm the news that we can no longer escape two seconds of any time she is being filmed. WE GET IT – you’re pregnant! GG wants to know a few things: has Asa been constipated and is Mercedes “MJ” Javid jealous. Asa can’t answer either question because pregnancy has put her in such an “amazing space.” I would love to be in a space so amazing that I don’t even know what bowel movements are happening or not happening.

Since Reza Farahan and Adam Neely’s one year wedding anniversary party is coming up and GG isn’t invited, Asa explains how this would be the perfect time to apologize to Reza for all those sex tape lies. GG is still stuck on who did what and Asa urges her to just accept her own responsibility for what happened and say she’s sorry already.

MJ and her overexposed boobs head over to Mike Shouhed’s porno set that he likes to call a house. I am cringing so hard at the décor it’s hard to concentrate. Also, is it just me or has Mike started wearing eyeliner this season? His talking head and a few of his appearances look strangely lined around the eyes and contoured in the cheek area, while we’re at it. Anyway, Mike is checking in with MJ about her crying episode at his party and to be clear – it wasn’t the women with lamps on their heads dancing around that brought her to tears and it also wasn’t Asa’s pregnancy announcement. MJ was upset about her dad being sick and it got the best of her when Asa asked her about it.

Mike abruptly changes the conversation to why Asa is having a child out of wedlock and truly thinks that Asa owes them an explanation as to why. MJ is thrilled to jump on this train, asserting that a child should be brought into a household with both mother and father, because that worked out so well for her, right? MJ grumbles about what Asa must be hiding about her relationship since she’s been with Jermaine for almost seven years and they are now just deciding to have a baby.

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In case you hadn’t heard, Reza’s family has a “hoe legacy” that Reza has managed to break by getting married and (wow!) staying married for one whole year! Reza thinks this is cause for celebrating and I guess in his world, managing to stay married for a year is. He even rents a party bus, stocked with leopard print paper top hats because nothing says marital harmony like a tacky party bus with your friends. But it’s not just an evening out on a party bus, oh no, it’s so much more than that – Reza has arranged to take them all to a wild animal sanctuary.

As Mike points out, the choice of venue for this celebration is oddly sadistic considering Adam missed out on the last trip to an animal sanctuary in Thailand. Because Reza jilted him at the altar. And then Reza took all of his friends to Thailand. On the trip that was supposed to be their wedding anyway. While Adam stayed home. Can we just let all of that sink in for a minute? No time really, because Asa is already busy telling everyone she can’t touch the animals because she is pregnant, turtles are busy humping and Mike and friends are getting sprayed with water by a rowdy group of chimps, who must watch the show to give that kind of welcome.

The dinner set up is like an outdoor safari and Asa immediately questions the cleanliness of the food because, you guys, she is PREGNANT. In case anyone didn’t get that memo, she announces loudly that she can’t have Caesar salad because of the dressing. Mike does what any normal person would do and requests different dressing for her so she can STFU already. But she just can’t help herself and directs the attention away from everyone questioning Shervin Roohparvar’s fidelity to girlfriend Annalise (who is sitting right there while they question him) back to PREGNANCY. We must discuss all things baby from this point forward. Asa wants to know who the next person to have a baby will be (ummm, you since you’re five months pregnant, dummy) and Reza is happy to use his one year anniversary party to throw his husband under the bus for being too pushy about kids.

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Since Asa opened the door on this whole conversation about babies, MJ decides it’s the perfect time to kick it wide open and grill Asa about the state of her relationship. MJ questions if Jermaine proposed (no), if Asa wants to be married (yes, one day), why aren’t they living together (they practically are), if Asa’s parents will move in with her when the baby is born (no, they have their own house), and finally, why is Asa not married to Jermaine when they have been together for so long and are now having a baby together (why the eff do you care?). Did I miss anything? Oh, will Asa eat her placenta (yes) and will she serve her umbilical cord for Thanksgiving dinner (no).

In case that wasn’t enough, Mike decides to mention that Jermaine is black, and not Persian, because this is a “big deal” within their culture. But Mike wants you to know he’s cool with it, because he married a white girl (eyerolling so hard right now). As much as Asa’s supposed “wall” can be irksome, in situations like this, it’s entirely understandable. Even though Asa doesn’t owe it to them, she did answer their questions, just not to Mike and MJ’s liking. And who would want to field judgmental questions about your relationship and life decisions from possibly the two biggest eff ups in the group: a guy who couldn’t even keep his dool in his pants to stay married for more than half a year and a grown woman who is living in squalor and ill-fitting jumpsuits well into her forties.

Adam meets with GG, despite Reza not being happy about it because she misses him and no longer wants to claw his face off anymore. GG maintains that she apologized but Adam doesn’t recall, mainly because her next day apology text was already blocked by him. She’s doing her best to apologize again but Adam catches on quickly to the language she’s using like, “I’m sorry about what happened TO you” as if she didn’t actually take her ratchet coffin shaped nails and rake them across his neck. He wants a real apology, especially because he had to go around telling people he got mauled by a dog in the aftermath of being mauled by a Golnesa. She finally gives a real, heartfelt apology, admitting she lied about Reza’s sex tape and she has grown and changed.

Adam accepts GG‘s apology but let’s her know that for now, their relationship won’t really go beyond the lunch table they are sitting at. He leaves so GG can eat her quinoa salad alone and goes home to tell Reza what happened. Reza isn’t really ready to forgive, but glad that Adam got his apology.

Shervin is having a beach party in Malibu and Reza heads over to MJ’s to get ready and go together. It’s in this scene that we are seeing just how downward MJ is spiraling at this point in her life. She is clad in a dirty nude tube top, ratty hair piled on top of her head, and what looks like a poor spray tan streaked all over her face and body. MJ prepares a crown and ginger for Reza and attempts to stir it with either a hair curler or a vibrator, one can’t tell.

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While MJ takes a call from the nursing home her dad is staying in and tries to get ready, Reza looks around in disbelief and offers to clean up for her. He’s right to be appalled that she is living in a small, raggedy apartment that has no running water. I’m actually kind of shocked MJ is letting cameras into her place but she doesn’t seem to care one way or another since she is so emotionally wrapped up in taking care of her ailing father right now.

On their way to the party, they stop to visit her dad, who has recently been moved to a nursing home and still looks to be very fragile. So much so that Reza is overwhelmed with emotion and leaves the room crying. MJ is a doting daughter, talking gently to her dad and affectionately holding his hand.

Back in the car, Reza holds back tears as MJ stays positive enough to say she’s going to get her dad strong enough to go to Vegas and play some slots. Reza realizes that MJ might be in denial about the state of her father’s health and isn’t connecting to the reality of how serious the situation is.

When they arrive at the beach house, Reza immediately unloads on Mike and Asa about what happened and how it’s given him new perspective about what matters and what doesn’t and conveniently, his relationship with GG, because she just so happens to be at the party as well. This is all setting us up for their reunited friendship but that’s going to have to wait because there’s a party to get to first. Bottles are popping, Asa is placing hands on her stomach, and random belly dancers show up to entertain the crowd. Annalise marvels at “those things” the dancers are wearing, which turn out to be decorative wings, which Shervin is happy to explain to her. I knew she wasn’t playing with a full deck just for dating Shervin alone but I didn’t know there was literally no one at home in that pretty head of hers.

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Just in case things were awkward with Reza, GG brought out new friend Tara from Newlyweds the First Year, who is probably the only person Bravo could enlist to put up with GG for the next few months. But Tara isn’t the only one who is about to tolerate GG for a few months because TA-DA, GG has revealed her new boyfriend, Shalom, a guy we all know is already her ex-husband. So I guess it’s a little hard to get excited about him with that fact in the back of my head.

Finally, Reza has had just enough alcohol to decide he needs to open his heart and bury his issues with GG. He sits down with the group and starts to tell GG about the hospital visit and what’s important and what’s not. Too bad he can’t even finish that little speech before GG is interrupting him with something unintelligible, then darts off to her room to fetch little dolls she got from Belize to hand out as a sign of peace. Everyone picks a doll and they both apologize to one another and then accept each other’s apologies.

GG is thrilled everyone is back to being best friends and they can all be happy again. Now the question is, for how long?

TELL US – ARE YOU TIRED OF HEARING ABOUT ASA’S PREGNANCY? IS MJ IN DENIAL ABOUT HER DAD? WILL GG AND REZA’S PEACE LAST?

Photo Credit: Bravo

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