A leprechaun on Real Housewives of Orange County finds no luck at the end of his rainbow. Instead he finds Shannon Beador‘s awful green sequined shirt and equally awful marriage, or Vicki Gunvalson seeing green that friendship insurance doesn’t exist, and Tamra Judge‘s judgement!
Tamra is reeling from her ‘argument’ with Peggy Sulahian, because Tamra feels ‘attacked’ by Peggy. This attacking consisted of Peggy sticking her resting bitch face (or is that just Botox overdose?) into Tamra’s issues with Vicki and suggesting, that perhaps, just perhaps, Tamra should practice what she preaches and move on. In response Tamra decided Peggy could never be her friend. #Adulting
-A-BITCH Fitness (propel your rage into Booty By Bible!), Tamra is training for a Spartan Race. While wearing a Charo ponytail that is just so naturally how her hair looks, she complains that Peggy is a judgmental bitch who doesn’t understand her deep and meaningful non-relationship with Vicki. Peggy apparently does understand Tamra’s BS, though!
As Eddie watched Tamra’s legs churn the treadmill, over and and over, the metronomic whine matching the sound of her own rambling whine, he suggested Tamra stop caring what people whom she doesn’t like think. After all, Tamra doesn’t want to talk to Viki, so just … well… DON’T.
Hilariously, Eddie agreed with Peggy! Except Tamra doesn’t want Eddie’s annoying advice, she just wants to be appeased! Happy wife, happy life, right?! Conversely Tamra expects everyone else to take her advice about marriage – namely Shannon. Since Tamra’s had two practice marriages, she’s now an expert on how this whole thing works apparently.
Vicki complains endlessly to Briana that Tamra and Shannon are mean and how she’s done expecting them to be nice. She’s so distracted talking about herself she forgets to pick-up lunch and totally ignores her grandson’s swim lesson. Good thing there was a qualified expert there or Vicki might have lost them on the lanai in a giant cheesecake. Vicki’s problem is that she thinks the most important part of friendship is having fun together. Friends who Andales together, stay together!
Everyone should just take Eddie or Briana’s advice – they could do little segments of ‘common sense counseling’ to the overgrown adolescents reality TV has foisted upon them. However if these women behaved normally there probably wouldn’t be much of a RHOC considering that the entire premise is musical shit-stirring circles. When the music stops, don’t find yourself with no one to bitch with or you’re off the show! (unless you’re Vicki, then they’ll endlessly hire new people to play your friend).
Lydia McLaughlin is also training for the Spartan Race. She only did it to make Doug think she’s cute, though. She actually tosses her hair like Marcia Brady and which tells me all I need to know about where Lydia developed her ideas about life. Lydia behaves as if the Spartan Race, an event geared towards middle-aged men from the burbs, is a trip through hell and she’ll be forced to leap over the devil’s fire. She warns her kids of the dangers mommy is facing, and her son Maverick cries worrying that his parents will be burned alive in the name of exercise.
Lydia wonders if Maverick’s fears are justified and he’s been ‘touched’ with the gift of prophecy. Maybe he’s right – she might FALL DOWN! Then Maverick could end up on his on TLC reality show about psychic kids, or at the very least on one of those superchurch channels asking people to send their life savings in exchange for Jesus curing their headaches, because their headaches are a sign that Jesus doesn’t like their cheap auras.
Meanwhile Shannon goes to lunch with Peggy. The goal of this lunch is for Shannon to remind Peggy, yet again, of the perils of an acquaintanceship with Vicki, but better Vicki occupied with Peggy than trying to harass Shannon into a friendship. Peggy is a grown woman, though, and Diko can make her decisions for her!
Seriously Peggy is so… bizarre – like an alien impersonating a human. She seems to exist in a bubble, where all the sound is muffled by Diko’s butterfly fingers flapping away. In the confessional one-on-ones she makes sense, but interacting with the women she suddenly can’t understand words? Yet Peggy manages to read Shannon’s mind on the vodka soda with lots of citrus drink, which in Shannon’s mind means they’re soulmates – which is why she must save Peggy from Vicki! Shannon then learns that Peggy didn’t necessarily have a reason to get a mastectomy, other than her mother dying of cancer, and Shannon’s little ‘CANCER SCAM’ antenna pops up and she’s on the phone to Meghan Edmonds to get her Veronica Mars DVDs out for a refresher course in how to investigate your upper-class California community.
Meghan is busy though. She’s busy telling us how Meghan Edmonds had a baby and now it’s time to be the real Meghan Edmonds again. Meghan with no baby, baby, baby that is! She’s getting back into the modeling career she never had and bragging about how mommy needs a job. Meghan doesn’t remember that her ‘job’ was part-time ‘hashtag cool stepmomming,’ while spending Jimmy Dad Jeans’ money, and playing Harriet The Spy for cancer?
Meghan hauls the baby, her other baby the dog, and her nanny to a photoshoot for a designer no one has heard of, then goes on and on about her need to be fulfilled with work outside the home, while begging for reassurance that her post-baby body is still hot. I think Meghan accidentally nursed her dog instead of Aspen because Girly-girl is a person too and needs nourishment. Meghan needs to stop acting like such a baby, baby, baby whose baby ruined the life she never had! She’s so unwarrantedly self-righteous – no wonder she and Tamra get along.
Anyway Peggy, first of all Kumbya is not a song the women on this show sing. They’re more of Police, ‘Every Breath You Take’ kind of girls. Or I’ve Got Friends In Low Places, with some alterations to the details of the lyrics. Second of all, telling them about your medical condition is a bad, bad idea because now they have ‘ammunition’ for which to use against you if you ever take that ‘friendship with Vicki‘ thing too far. Thirdly, pretending you’re not playing peacemaker while covertly trying to play peacemaker is doomed to fail. Just ask Kelly Dodd!
Last season Kelly tied to make everyone re-drink Vicki’s Whoop It Up juice and found herself the cheese that stood alone. Literally. Even Vicki literally threw Kelly under the bus. This season Kelly has a new gameplan to island hop, and informs Vicki that her lifeboat is gonna be tipped over (Call Coto Insurance!). At a jewelry store they get their auras read, even though Vicki is all “I ONLY BELIEVE IN JESUS” not nonsense (except if it’s delicious cancer-curing casseroles), but then the aura machine says Vicki is happy, so she changers her tune and decides to become a new-age guru now that Shannon is dealing with obesity and can’t be taken seriously as a lemon consultant.
Kelly’s auras say she needs luck. Obvs. That’s when she informs Vick that she’s spending St. Patty’s day with Shannon and Meghan, and Vicki stops glowing a sunny-yellow glow and starts shooting green lasers out of her eyes. Vicki didn’t know Kelly had been having heart-to-hearts with Shannon and Tamra, and she is a sour jellybean at being left out! Vicki warns Kelly not to trust Tamra, because her ultimate plan is to turn everyone against Vicki, then when it’s convenient Tamra will make either Shannon or Kelly the sacrificial lamb by having them turn on each other again and defend her.
Remember it was VICKI who loved Shannon, stroked her hair, and refilled her vodka glass when no one else would. And it was Vicki who used those tender moments against Shannon when she could. I think Vicki is right that Tamra cannot be trusted and is trying to circuitously get rid of her, but Vicki is a skeevy manipulator too! This is too complicated. I do not need HBO writing my Housewives.
Well anyway, Shannon is exercising and hating it. When David suggests she tweak her attitude alongside her gluten, she bites his head off. This lady is HAAAANGRY and she ain’t craving no mushy quinoa! Luckily Shannon and David are on their way to Mastros where he can get a steak and Shannon can get more of her eternal suffering served on a ginormous platter.
Over dinner with Tamra and Eddie, she complains that David is cheating on her with Spartan Races. Right after they renewed their vows, he discovered a love of para-military pseudo training and has been at the gym ever since, leaving Shannon at home to eat in the name of Vicki Gunvalson. David swears he’s just working out, or watching TV – ALONE – but Shannon wants him right there were she can see him at all times. Like David is a toddler and if he’s too quiet in the other room that means something really, really bad is happening. Well, I mean, if the sneaker fits…
Instead of handling this like a person who really loves her husband as much as she loves her vodka, Shannon snipes at David in front of his friends. Tamra, newly minted marriage expert, tsks-tsks that a wife should never emasculate her husband – especially in public! I presume that’s a lesson she learned from her marriage to Simon?
Tamra’s is right, though – Shannon should take an ACTIVE interest in things David enjoys. Why wouldn’t Shannon do the race? Her friends are doing it with their husbands. Even if she can’t manage all the obstacles, have fun with it, and bond with David. At least go and cheer the man on! But no, because what Shannon really hates – way more than exercise – is taking ownership of her own crap. Shannon is constantly bemoaning her weight, yet is always ordering a cocktail, and instead of working out with her husband she whines about exercise and yells at David for having fitness goals. The reality is David doesn’t want to be around Shannon. She’s the lemon wedge on the seafood platter – just sort of there, annoyingly getting in the way while you reach for the shrimp, and she knows it, but refuses to acknowledge it. Shannon needs to Spartan Race right out of her marriage.
Then the Spartan Race happens and honestly, Tamra and Lydia were being a wee-bit overly dramatic. I mean the ‘fire pit’ was basically like jumping over a shoebox, but afterwards they hugged and kissed their husbands like they had survived an episode of The Walking Dead. David just stood there, all alone like he likes to be; his wolf-like eyes focusing icily on the distance.
Then it’s back to reality with the real warrior business of friendship! Kelly joins Me-Me-Me-Meghan and Shannon for St. Patty’s Day, because as Meghan is Irish and wants to announce from here to Dublin that MAMA IS BACK and she needs a drink (and a hobby). The nanny is with Meghan so maybe they left Aspen with her big sister Girly-Girl?
Bigger concerns: Why would Shannon wear that green shirt again – so we can all see constant flashbacks of what it looked like 40lbs ago? Just no.
Over shots and green beer and the blinding glare of Shannon’s sequins, Kelly and Shannon have a heart-to-heart about Vicki and Tamra manipulating/not-manipulating them. Then both of them started crying and apologizing.
After learning Peggy was recovering from a mastectomy, Tamra puts the Christian back in her heart and meets Peggy for a forgiveness-in-the-name-of-Jesus-and-lest-not-ye-be-judged breakfast. First Tamra insults Peggy’s demeanor and refers to her as having “resting bitch face,” then Peggy calls Tamra out for being dramatic (which Tamra does NOT agree with!). But in exchange for keeping her RBF, Peggy agrees to stay out of messiness with Vicki. It’s a fair trade – honestly a deadly stare is a great asset on this show!
TELL US – BIGGER MASTER MANIPULATOR: VICKI OR TAMRA? DID TAMRA MAKE THE RIGHT CHOICE IN GIVING PEGGY ANOTHER CHANCE? WILL SHANNON AND KELLY’S FRIENDSHIP LAST?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]