Real Housewives Of Atlanta Recap: White Noise, Topless Shrimp, Ladies & Gents, Can’t Get A Clue Fiesta

Last night, NeNe Leakes hosted a party with a theme that sounded more like a choose your own adventure book. It was girls and gays wearing white who should never forget while eating seafood. We’re not sure what they’re not supposed to forget since NeNe never made that clear. My guess: they’re supposed to remember that NeNe Leakes is the queen of Real Housewives Of Atlanta.

The strangest thing was, this party happened the day after Gregg was released from the hospital for something having to do with an irregular heartbeat, and instead of researching pacemakers, NeNe was researching topless male waiters and choosing themes from the Sheree Whitfield Collection Of Castoff Party Flops. Also, this was after NeNe was late to Gregg’s surgery so she could attend Sheree’s 70’s-70 party.

The other surprise, other than the convoluted name, was that Kim Zolciak came. She stuck her new nose in Kenya Moore‘s business, but Kenya was ready with the comeback suggesting Kim focus on her new job of pimp momager and leave being a Real Housewife to the new hires. Kim, girl, your desperate was showing more than usual last night.

In other important news, Cynthia Bailey went on another date with Will, who has now become a stage 5 clinger after being mentioned in the blogs as her new man. I think he’s clinging more to the notion of fame whoring than dating Cynthia, however. He and Kenya Moore‘s mythical husband have something in common then, because according to Kim (word of Atlanta gospel #Sarcasm), Kenya married one of her fans. Krayonce has fans? That truly is news! 😉 Also speaking of Stage 5 Clingers, I think Kim is clinging on to to all things Kenya!

Cynthia Bailey has a second date with Will

Anyway, Cynthia and Will go out for ice cream to a place that serves only THREE flavors: vanilla, chocolate, and the super-unique flavor of the day, strawberry. Cynthia has the worst luck with dating locations. First, a creepy chicken farm; then a 3-flavors. She also has the worst luck with men – they’re all using her and creeping on her. She just wants to take her Lake Bailey baths and imagine a world where she didn’t dump Leon, but that chocolate milk has long spilled, and now she just has to figure out a way to guard her door against Will’s advances. Unfortunately for now, Cynthia seems smitten. Is it just me or does he give me whiffs of Matt Jordan (#CharacterAssignation)?

Over at Chateau Sheree, we continue to be restricted to the kitchen area, which is finished. For now. Sheree’s life coach visits to give her another challenging assignment – even though she hasn’t finished her first one. She was supposed to talk with her kids about domestic violence, but instead she put on afro puffs and strategized about buying candles at the Yankee Candle sale. Maybe they have a Jack Daniels Life Elevated scent – which has whiffs of sugar, spice, everything sorta nice, finished basement, bone carrying, truth serum, and spicy denial.

Sheree promises Jack that in two weeks she’ll talk to her kids, but in the meantime she’s becoming an advocate for the National Domestic Violence Center, and working with Kenya on a PSA. How exactly does Sheree reason that her kids have NO IDEA Bob was abusive? Sheree does realize Kairo and Kailegh have access to the internet, even if the Chateau doesn’t get WiFi yet. Also, Kenya – producing something else!? UH OH.

Then Jack gives Sheree some more homework – this time to do something nice and frivolous for herself. That’s not homework, that’s Sheree’s entire life. Now pass the elegant and sophisticated.

Kandi Burruss on the cover of Essence Magazine

In true accomplishments, Kandi Burruss landed a cover of Essence Magazine for their “Confidence” issue. She heads to NYC for the photo shoot, except she’s down an assistant since Carmon left. So, one hour before the flight, she has no packed bags and no hotel room booked. Kandi brags that her success is predicated on working the hardest and being the best. Except when it comes to getting out the door. Kandi is never on time!

Porsha Williams is also dealing with business readjustments. Specifically, she doesn’t know if she wants long-haired wigs or bobs, and without her sister Lauren organizing the entire thing, Porsha has no idea which end of the wig goes up. Lauren moved out after their fight and only returns back for a business meeting, which Porsha hosts wearing a bathrobe. Porsha Palace and Poor Taste Emporium – where professionalism lives on Hennessy. You can take the girl out of the hip hop video, but you can’t take the hip hop video out of the girl!

Porsha Williams & her sister Lauren

Lauren explains that she feels like Porsha’s employee. Even though Porsha says it’s their company, she clearly doesn’t act like this or truly believe it. Basically, Lauren does all the work, but Porsha gets all the glory.

Lauren worries that she doesn’t have longevity or stability with Porsha Plus Industries, especially since she doesn’t wear a wig, so she wants reassurance that she truly is this equal partner. Porsha lets Lauren cry and then promises, again that what’s hers is also Lauren’s, which is why Porsha is doing everything for them as favors. Exactly – it makes no sense nor did it address the larger issue: Lauren wants a LEGALLY BINDING CONTRACT stipulating the breakdown, but she let her emotions get the better of her again and agreed to move back in and continue stroking Porsha’s weave. I predict a lot more messy weaves where this is concerned!

All the drama with Lauren has at least distracted Porsha from her drama with NeNe. Or maybe Porsha genuinely doesn’t care about a has-been Real Housewife returned to try and claim her crown?

Apparently NeNe is hosting her white party as a F-U to Porsha after Porsha texted to see if they could meet and figure out why NeNe is so angry with her. Except NENE IS NOT ANGRY! SHE IS CALM AND MATURE AND HANDLES HER BUSINESS BUT WON’T MEET WITH PORSHA THE LIAR. For some reason, NeNe thinks this party is sending Porsha a telepathic message that NeNe is not OK with her colluding with Phaedra Parks, then throwing Phaedra under the bus in the whole Kandi matter. HUH?

Worse – NeNe is not OK with Porsha forgetting that she’s been to NeNe’s house. Even though NeNe also says Porsha hasn’t ever been invited to her house and doesn’t know where she lives – even though they’re neighbors. Or maybe NeNe is trying to subliminally send Porsha a message that she will never forget the grudge she holds?

Perhaps all the years of bleaching her hair rendered NeNe unable to make sense? Cause this party… um, WTF? I think the gist of is that she wants Porsha to remember that NeNe helped her when everyone else cast her out, but clearly this new Hennessey’d Porsha gives no F–ks. She’s busy running an empire, y’all!

Also, Gregg just got home from the hospital and NeNe bemoans about what if Gregg had died – who would she rely on to do everything for her? Who would carry her bags, and make her dinner, and be her rock when she pops off down the crazy train track? Instead of putting on a Leakes Collection cold-shoulder nurses tunic, with a pair of hygienic gloves that say BLOOP, and checking Gregg’s juicy, juicy peaches, NeNe goes ahead with planning her F-U Porsha Party, aka “Girls & Gays White Party Never Forget Seafood Soiree.” The theme is white for remembrance and the food du jour is shrimp? Like we’re all underneath NeNe’s massive thumb. Whatever!

NeNe Leakes will never forget the grudge she has with Porsha

Even NeNe’s friend Mynique points out that NeNe is being ridiculous. Mynique encourages NeNe to talk to Porsha like an adult, and jokes that NeNe is only jealous that Porsha owns a bigger palace. NeNe stalks off and locks her friend out because Porsha Who?! She’s never been to her house. Even though she’s supposed to never forget that she has been taken IN to NeNe’s house!

Also what does the gay community have to do with any of this? Yet again, this is a party using gay men as ‘accessories’ for women. NeNe asked each female guest to bring their favorite gay, as if they’re purses or shoes, to be trotted out and presented; not people. Derek J is the only one who has the decency to question this concept and confront NeNe about her unintentional bigotry. Thank you Derek J! In fact Derek attends the party with the sole purpose of trying to point out to his friend why her outlook is inappropriate, but Derek’s good intentions are upstaged by Kim Zolciak‘s bad ones. No good things come from a wannabe queen in a bad wig.

Was this the party where Brielle reportedly filmed roaches at NeNe’s house? If so, then Kim really made more of a stink than she originally thought!

Sheree, the bone carrying shady boots, secretly invites Kim, who is her favorite ex-gay. Kim is apparenly good friends with Sheree, although it appears they haven’t seen each other since the last time Kim made a thirsty appearance on RHOA. Kim hasn’t seen NeNe since she spotted her at Sak’s parked in a handicapped spot. Kim, dutiful cultural anthropologist of Atlanta’s socially elite, obviously took a photo of this transgression for her archives and further studies. She produces the specimen to Sheree for a second opinion about the great atrocities inflicted by Madame Leakes. Sheree is taken aback, but she is more intrigued by Kim’s claims that Kenya married one of her fans and has poisoned geriatric eggs incapable of reproduction. Hey – maybe Kim, who according to Kenya “needs a check,” could sell Kenya one of her prodigious eggs? Lord knows they are in full production!

Speaking of Kim’s thirst, she immediately fills giant solo cups with drinks, and brings her road soda to NeNe’s because Kim doesn’t trust other people’s glassware. But she does trust the BPA in Gladwear? Obviously this makes sense since Kim is made of 2-parts plastic, 1-part synthetic fibers, and 1-part silicone. Wigs N Cigs is not flammable but she is melt-able – especially if you toss some organic herbal tea on her.

Marlo Hampton makes up with NeNe

If your name is NOT Porsha then NeNe is in a forgiving mood for her never forget party. She has also graciously invited Marlo Hampton. It turns out they also had a reunion at a high end department store where they argued for 30 minutes while waiting for Valet, then decided they were soulmates. I bet the $30 I spent on a NeNe Leakes muumuu that Marlo bought NeNe something expensive in exchange for NeNe agreeing to get her back on RHOA! We all know she is the golden peach.

Anyway, Marlo has not forgotten how much she love-hates NeNe. And to her credit, while NeNe is holding court in her stifling hot backyard and spots Kim Z painstakingly picking through the grass in her white heels, NeNe doesn’t forget to say hello. At first, things are cordial, but once the group acclimates inside where the air condition is cranking, they find their energy again and crank the nastiness up a notch.

Kim starts an argument with Kenya

Kenya is waxing poetic about her man, and Kim just keeps muttering that he’s fake and doesn’t really exist. Kim even quizzes the other women about who have met him – no one, but Cynthia has spoken to a man identifying himself as Marc on the phone, and Marlo stalked his restaurant in Brooklyn and ate there. This is all the proof Kim needs to make the definitive declaration that once again, Kenya has a fake man. Kenya quickly admonishes Kim to keep her plastic nose out of her business, and also worry about fixing that botched job and Kroy’s equally botched career. Kroy is currently WAITING OUTSIDE Casa de Leakes so Kim and Sheree can drink and he can drive them home. What – he’s like the bodyguard now? Sadly he will always love Kim! Does Bravo no longer provide town cars to guarantee drama?

Kenya Moore fires back at Kim Z

Kenya finally snaps that Kim should go back to pimping out Brielle for John Legend tickets on Twitter. This was admittedly a very low blow, but sadly Kim’s only retort is that Kenya follows her? So she leaps up and threatens to fight Kenya while Sheree holds her back. Sheree is aghast by this misbehavior – this is not how one acts in another person’s home! Sheree – that’s a bit pseudo-rich coming from you!

Kim Zolciak wants to fight Kenya Moore

The episode ends on a To Be Continued… cliffhanger. I think Kim could take Kenya. Even though Kenya does go to spinning class – Kim is scrappy as all get-out and also constructed of largely indestructible materials!


[Photo Credits: Bravo]