below-deck-mediterranean Captain Sandy's toast

Below Deck Mediterranean Recap: Con-Not-So-Rad

Oh, Below Deck Mediterranean – y’all knew that you better bring your A++ Game when a friend of Captain Sandy Yawn‘s is the primary charter, but unfortunately Adam Glick was the only one studying up on How Not To End Up In The Bad Captain’s Log. Adam has been there, done that and you’d think Hannah Ferrier, a veteran of the naughty list herself, would know better!

Joao Franco is the douche of the high seas. A serious creep who makes my stomach churn like Kasey Cohen‘s aboard a super yacht! After ending their first crew night out by calling Hannah an over-the-hill goat, he bah, bah, blacksheeps about how he doesn’t have to listen to her because he’s his own man, not some chief stew’s bitch! Hannah sniffs that Joao’s nothing but a “chamois technician” – something which requires no skill, but somehow this show manages to find ALL the people who cannot handle the task!

Back on the Talisman, Joao redeems himself by shoving his grimy fingers into Adam’s carton of ice cream. The carton everyone is passing around swapping spoon saliva with, but at least it’s not chamois-t0-finger-fluff! Spoony germs = OK; finger germs = not OK.

I’m with Adam in not wanting any of Joao’s germs near me, too bad Brooke Laughton hasn’t noticed the HUGE RED FLAG flying from Joao’s pants Talisman! While Joao was berating Hannah on the bus, Brooke pretended to be asleep, then after Adam demanded he go to sleep for ice cream sanitation violations, Joao stumbled into Brooke’s room – the one she shares with Hannah – to confess his undying lust and desire for sexy times. Instead of immediately taking her pants off, which is what Joao probably hoped, Brooke turns into a google heart-eyed emoji. Frankly, I think Joao believed he was talking to Kasey “Chastity Belt” Cohen the whole time, and the next morning claims he has no memory of his awful behavior and blames it on his alter ego “Jezabob.” Um, dude, that excuse will not hold up in a court of law!

Also, Joao is just as much of an a-hole as Jezabob, so…

Unfortunately for these hungover hot messes the next charter guests are on their way and so is bad weather! Even worse for the Little Crew That Can’t – the guest, vaginal rejuvenation specialist Dr. Jen Berman, is a good friend of Sandy’s (and also an expert on good vibrations!) Sandy warns there better be top notch service and no shenanigans! Adam heeds this and the preference sheet with military precision (who is this guy?!) and sets about making a spread of desserts befitting Marie Antoinette on a low-carb day. It’s  Dr. Jen’s birthday and she requests LOTS of sweets and a party. With the awful weather, the boat won’t be able to leave the dock, so Sandy demands the tenders dropped and activities planned to entertain the guests. Dr. Jen also wants a “hot Italian trainer to work out with.” This Hannah can do — in theory – what shows up is an aging Jean Claude Van Damme extra. Taking the tender off the boat per Sandy’s instructions – Conrad Empson cannot do.

While Hannah is ordering the so-called sexy trainer (if you’re into Mr. T) , Brooke calls her mom for some advice about men. After Brooke caught her dad cheating and told her mom, they tell each other everything. Even though Brooke was dumped literally yesterday she’s now ready to possibly start dating Joao because they have unbelievable chemistry. Brooke needs a self-help book, not a hook-up partner! Her mom agrees and tells her to enjoy being single in the Mediterranean and be wary of men with names (or alter egos) you can’t pronounce from lawless lands of superiority complexes called Zim. Brooke nods like she gets it, then has a chat with Joao about defining boundaries because can’t be flirting all the time. That works for Joao (and Jezabob) who would rather try and unlock Kasey’s pants – right in front of Brooke.

Oh Kasey, a night of drinking has done a girl good and she’s no longer seasick! But she’s still completely inept at her job. Like the girl has NEVER seen a Tide commercial apparently and asks Hannah if she can wash reds with whites. She also doesn’t know a black skirt from a grey skirt because in addition to doing her laundry Princess Kasey’s mommy still lays out her clothes every night. At least Kasey is sweet-natured and easy to get along with…. (haha – that’s foreshadowing cause you know she’s hiding secret crazy in her cabin!)

Conrad Empson faces Sandy's wrath

Despite warning Conrad, oh I dunno – 300 or so times – to take down the tender, Conrad decides to go ‘have a smoke with Hannah‘ while Sandy is docking the boat. ‘Have a smoke’ is code for lay down on the dock talking for endless amounts of time while the rest of the crew works, then returning to reality just in time to have to admit to Sandy, during the pre-charter briefing, that OOPS – you didn’t actually heed her instructions. As Joao smirks on, Sandy makes her displeasure very known. Luckily the guests arrive to give her a rejuvenating vibrator called “The Womanizer” ostensibly to get Sandy’s pleasure back in a good place. It does not succeed. No one puts Sandy in The G Spot when she’s in Captain Mode!

Joao Franco

Hannah, ineptly leading her stews, is also a disorganized mess. They barely make it to the dock for the guests’ arrival and aren’t all in matching uniforms. Sensing weakness after Sandy’s smackdown, Joao starts nagging Conrad about having someone watch the boat 24/7 in case the lines need to be tightened or a guest goes overboard. Since this isn’t a Goldie Hawn movie from the mid-80’s Conrad disregards Joao’s ‘concerns,’ so Joao tells Jamie Jason he’s planning to go over Conrad’s head to Sandy. We all know Joao is just trying to make Conrad look bad because he fancies himself ready for bosun-ry. Even though he’s only worked in yachting a little over a year. Is it Joao, or Jezabob, who wants to knock Conrad in the head with an oar?

Later Jamie tells Conrad that Joao plans to tattle on him, so Conrad pulls him aside to reminds him about pecking order, and explain that if they’re gonna have someone awake 24/7 to babysit, it’s Kasey who needs the constant supervision! Joao pretends to understand … Pretends.

Since they’re stuck on the dock Hannah arranged for the guests take a pizza-making class in Naples. Adam spent hours constructing beautiful salads for them to take along as sides, but Hannah forgets them. She was distracted knowing she’d have to be trapped with Joao for hours. They manage to be professional enough to put their issues aside and Joao even apologizes. Hannah accepts, but Conrad’s enemies are her enemies and friends close; enemies closer, right… Personally, I think Joao is trying to arrange some sort of take-down-Conrad coalition and is sucking up to Hannah in an effort to plant that bug in her ear. Too bad Hannah is a 30-year-old goat woman who has bitten the heads off many flowers. She ain’t fooled!

Meanwhile, Ferry King Colin Macy-O’Toole has finally found a way to stand out beside his over-compensating shoe collection. He’s a musician! In order to give Dr. Jackie a very special happy birthday, Colin is tasked with writing a birthday rap. He labors over this long and hard like a Columbia Records exec is going to pop out of a cake waving a vibrator and surprise him with a record deal. His earnestness is sweet and Kasey is intrigued… Take note Joao, a girl who has sworn of sex DOES NOT want a lecher she wants a nice endearing boy she can bring home to mommy and daddy!

While Adam is slaving away in the kitchen, and Hannah is trying to deal with Joao’s sneer without making vomit-topped pizza,  Kasey attempts to work a vacuum for the first time ever. She does such horrendous job that Captain Sandy notices and gives her a cleaning lesson! Sandy blames this on Hannah – even though Kasey has been sick for so long Hannah’s had no time to teach her and instead has been relying on Jackie to pick up the 3rd stew slack. Brooke, too, is doing double-duty since Kasey has never even opened a can of coke and poured it over ice. Girl… that rock you’ve been living under, time to go back to Fraggle Land because your mission of trying to learn about humans by being one has FAILED.

Below Deck Mediterranean Recap: Con-Not-So-Rad

Hannah returns to the boat exhausted, overwhelmed, and Joao-ed out, but has to rush right into throwing a birthday party which Sandy will be attending. As Dr. Jackie is getting dressed she realizes her birthday outfit isn’t complete without cute shoes so Sandy gives her permission to wear. Carefully. Before dinner, Hannah also has to check all the rooms and give Kasey additional toilet paper origami classes and explain why no one is re-using their plastic dry cleaning bags!

Dr. Jackie Berman

The party is a huge success from the food, to Colin’s rap, and the table which looked like a poker party thrown at the Brownstone by Dina Manzo. Red, Black, and tacky all over! Still, the guests loved it. Brooke, for all her personal delusions, is good at her job.

After everyone goes to sleep Hannah finds herself up at 2 am cleaning shoe stains out of the carpet. Conrad helps because there’s no I in Team! This looooooong cleaning session is a contrivance for Conrad and Hannah to have a legitimized excuse to hang out. Conrad is cute in a boy band way so I don’t blame Hannah for wanting to fluff his hair with a stain brush!

The next morning Brooke is forced to do breakfast service with Kasey. Guess how that went, y’all?! DIS-AS-TER. Especially since Sandy is eating with the guests and has VERY specific orders for dry toast. While Brooke is running around like a chicken with her head cut off, Kasey spends an hour trying to figure out how to turn on the coffee maker. Ergo Sandy is left waiting over 15 minutes for her dry toast. DRY TOAST! DRY TOAST! Last weeks nuts are this week’s dry toast!

Finally, an enraged Sandy gets on the radio to demand her toast. “We’re on a superyacht, people,” she huffs, “Hannah needs to tighten up the interior.”

Captain Sandy confronts Hannah

Instead of being relaxed by Dr. Jen‘s gift, Sandy is vibrating with rage over crunchy toast and goes looking for Hannah, who woke up at 10:30 am and is sitting at her computer placing orders for the incoming charter. Sandy demands she go help Brooke and Kasey. Hannah whines that she was up until 4 am cleaning Conrad carpets and has to get this done immediately, but Sandy fixes her with a stony gaze and snaps, “Breakfast service sucked, Hannah!” Also, her cabin is not being cleaned sufficiently because Hannah is babysitting Conrad instead of Kasey. Let’s put Joao on the latter!

Hannah Ferrier

Hannah, a 30-year-old woman who will make everyone her bitch, bursts into tears and runs below deck to cry about how tired she is from doing everything! She has blisters on her hands from rubbing things, you guys!

Isn’t Conrad supposed to be the baby in this relationship?


[Photo Credits: Bravo]