Real Housewives Of Orange County Recap: Broken Sandcastles

Just when I thought there was going to be a season of everyone getting along on Real Housewives Of Orange County, enter two new girls and the fatuous ego of one Vicki Gunvalson who will not understand human relationships no matter how many zillions of times it makes her Housewives reunions a living hell.

The so-called Three Amigas are banned back from Mexico worse for the wear, but they’re cemented by friendship bracelets (we saw how well those worked out the last time!) and added a dance to their lineup that’s essentially a hokeypokey with hip thrust – perfect for these three in denial cheeseballs. Tamra Judge is especially bad off. She went from a hot glam’ma to a deflated scooter-wielding spring break failure. It’s like a Tina Fey movie where the uncool girl who never got to do spring break goes back as a chaperone in her 40’s. At least Tamra has Vicki to push her around to all the hot docs in OC. Vicki was everyone’s mama this episode, wasn’t she? Like getting that slap in the face that Gina Kirchenwallerhallerdingdong is the same age as Briana – and just as opinionated about Vicki’s boondoggles! Youngins today – no respect for their elders…

Tamra Broken Foot

Maybe now that Gina is single Vicki can set her up with Tamra’s foot doc, hot Dr. Ryan! Dr. Ryan, with his softly thinning hair like the rubbed down lovespot on a stuffed animal, reminded me of a Bachelorette contestant who is eliminated on the first night because he has no idea what he’s doing there and opens with a corny line about checking her heartbeat. He’s sweet and out of his depth because he thinks whooping it up is what happens at the county fair jamboree. Vicki and Tamra are eager to corrupt him. Vicki practically needed to catch her drool in a Chanel bag. Even if Steve is her soulmate, a lady doesn’t have to give up eye candy.

Shannon develops line of food for QVC

Speaking of candy Shannon Beador launched a low-fat cooking line for QVC. I don’t know how yoyo dieting and putting nine lemons in a bowl to mix with vodquila qualifies you as a healthy lifestyle expert, but clearly Shannon’s daughters agree as they gag through frozen and reheated soggy noodles and fish stuffed with cream cheese. Shawn Killinger – I’m gonna need an explanation for all this. Shannon claims people don’t need to eat cardboard chicken like Tamra does in order to look good and she has the secret sauce. Literally. Buttermilk? Right now, somewhere, David is scarfing tortilla chips with glee…

Sure, now Tamra is more of a baked lean protein sprayed with olive oil pam kind of a girl, but maybe, if she can elbow the Vicki’s Casseroles Food and Whoopery Truck out of the way, Shannon can bring Tamra some frozen meals while she’s waiting for everything in her life to be fixed: Her kitchen, her plumbing, Eddie’s heart, her sense of priorities…  Or maybe some of Shannon’s Fengshui is needed to get that house back in order… I mean, it’s been SOOO successful in the past!

While we’re on the subject of frozen, Kelly Dodd has frozen Vick out after her betrayal of double dating with Michael. I am 100% on Kelly’s side with this one! Even if Vicki has never tuned into Luann’s Pandora Station and heard the song Girl Code, she should know better!

Kelly confronts Vicki

Kelly and Vicki meet for coffee and Vicki is unapologetic as ever until Kelly threatens to seduce Steve into dumping Vicki’s fun-busted ass just so she can set him up with another woman and hide it from her. Vicki was demanding respect until this scenario turned her pale as her midwestern roots and she was forced to admit was “fair game.” Eventually, Vicki apologized and Kelly accepted that is until she had a couple glasses of Shannon’s Diet Truth Juice over dinner and decided to serve Vicki as the piz’za-shit of the day.

Vicki apologizes to Kelly - insincerely

The real problem is not just that Vicki betrayed Kelly with Michael, but that Vicki’s friend tank is now full of Shannon and Tamra and she’s driving off into her future leaving Kelly to hitchhike because there are no more seats on the fun bus. Kelly even straight up asks if Vicki will include her in the next girl’s trip, which is telling. This is dual betrayal is the Oreo cookie of bad-friendship: no one likes the crunchy cookie parts without the cream in the middle – and Kelly is the cream.

Before we scramble all dem cracked eggs, let’s talk about how Emily Simpson‘s husband is a lawyer, maybe. Like in some states but not the others and definitely not in Cali where he hasn’t passed the Bar Exam. (Hi Nu-Craig!) I don’t know what Shane is doing when he’s supposedly at work – maybe washing his special Mormon underwear and swilling root beer (or hanging out with Gina’s husband?), but his mother, the pint-sized (and highly prized original Tamra), Pary Pocket, is not impressed by Shane’s recalcitrance.

Emily Simpson's mother in law.

Emily corrals her in-laws into a workout for some deluded storyline about how she has to be as fit as Tamra to fit in in the OC, and Pary does about 300 sit-ups then demands that Emily yell at Shane about the exam. I mean, I agree with Pary in all things – especially 70-year-old aesthetics. Eventually, Emily does confront him and Shane sulks into his juice that he’ll have to quit his job if he’s gonna like actually get qualified for it. So far (eek!) I don’t mind Shane, so I’ll cut him some slack on his unPary-like Jim Belushi goes Mormon aesthetic.

Now onto Gina. Gina’s marriage seems as sad as it apparently is and I still don’t understand how a man living in LA – about  2 hours away – has to be away from his kids for THREE WEEKS. For work. Ever hear of weekends off? Hmmmmhmmmmm…  Even though Shannon likes Gina about as much as she likes wearing a Duggar bathing suit Spanx in a hot tub, me thinks they have more in common than being a mom of three!

Gina claims that when they moved from Laaaawng Izzzland to Coto she thought Mark would be home every night at 5:30, instead he relocated to LA and absentee dads via FaceTime. Gina’s mom visits often to ease her burden, and I assume the lady has a nanny to accomplish all her Housewife responsibilities, but mostly she’s on her own. The entire situation was more depressingly weird than Gina’s crazy makeup in her one-on-one interviews. She needs to retire that 90’s cheerleader frosted white liner!

Gina with her kids

Since Gina is lonely and tired of two-faced Orange County bitches who pretend to be your friend while trampling all over your breast implants, Tamra decides to introduce her to Shannon, Vicki, and Kelly. You know – loyalty personified! I’m already tired of Gina’s OC versus New York schtick in which she pretends everyone in OC is from a different planet and she is exploring a brave new frontier, the complete unknown, with nothing but low-rent botox and the wrong hair extensions. Lady, as the New Yorkers say, get over yer self!

Tamra drives to dinner with Shannon and predicts, accurately and with a smirk, that it won’t go well because “Shannon hates everyone new.” Amended: Shannon hates every woman she meets because David or her own insecurities have conditioned her to see them as a threat.

Shannon doesn't like Gina

Shannon doesn’t trust Gina after learning she’s from Long Island and doesn’t wear Spanx. Maybe she is an alien. Or a Bratz Doll. Kelly shows up and midway through her first glass of wine puts Vicki on blast over the Michael thing – and she’s armed with new info! It turns out Kelly knows the woman Vicki set Michael up with and she too was a mutual friend. The plot thickens! And now we know why no one wanted Kelly to find out.

Gina Kischenheiter

Vicki, Vicki, Vicki… Gina is quick to denounce Vicki as a suspect friend and breaker of girl code. And Vicki plots to poison Kelly’s casserole – a casserole filled with Gina’s guts. Hoes before Bros, Vick!

Kelly Dodd

As if to prove that she doesn’t care that Michael is dating Kelly’s new man, a so-called Dr. Rick, crashes the girls night and starts making out with Kelly at the table. Ugh. Rick looks like an extra on an 80’s soap opera who was skeeving on the then-ingenue Eileen Davidson.

Kelly doesn’t seem to notice or care that her love tank is now filled with geriatric semen or that all her frienemies flee the restaurant in dry-heaves as if they just sampled Shannon’s shrimp and sour cream in a bag with zoodles. Gina even jokes that if divorce is a dark condo on an abandoned lot (aka Kelly’s new abode), then she’ll stay with the semi-employed Shane any day, however, Gina isn’t so sure because her marriage is essentially that condo…

Vicki “Doesn’t Get” Why Setting Up Michael Was Wrong; Admits She’s Still Double Dating With Him

Outside the restaurant Vicki is livid. After her apology coffee, she and Kelly went shopping and everything seemed fine, then Kelly blindsided her at dinner by bringing it up to the Greek Chorus of girl coders. Now Vicki doesn’t like Gina. Tamra, again, is all snickers and smirks as she scoots along pretending she didn’t stir the shit by mixing friends she knows other friends won’t like. Tamra – your karma is that Mexican scooter – may Eddie eventually regain control of his heart to hop on his mountain bike to escape.

Later Gina tells Tamra she won’t shy away from sharing her opinion, but she’s determined to make Vicki like her, so she invites Vicki to go for a waaaawlk along the beach. Vicki is organizing her vitamins and hormones when she gets this call and she sounds literally the happiest I’ve ever heard her; sorting through her pills like some sort of commercial for independent living. God help Gina if Vicki has any uppers mixed with thorny thistle!

Gina and Vicki both show up for this outing looking cute, but their very disparate attire demonstrates that not only are they in fact from different worlds, but they came expecting differing things. Vicki is wearing all black workout gear and $500 sunglasses with a neon colored jacket; Gina looks like she’s auditioning for the Junior League in pastel colors and a non-statement statement necklace.

Nothing was resolved, as it shouldn’t be because Vicki wants Gina to stay out of her kitty litter box sandbox – even though she also points out that Gina is the one who is technically sandboxed aged. And herein lies the problem: there is no way on this earth that some 33-year-old skipper from Coto would mix with two old Newport battleaxes like Shannon or Vicki. Gina is correct they are from different universes. Gina may have the energy, but does she have the tenacity and wherewithal to bury them? Doubtful!

Tamra & Gina

And how bad is Tamra – sitting in her rocking chair, plotting and tutting,  she totally sic’d Gina on Vicki for some covert revenge. Yep, poor whittle Gina is buried up to her neck in sand!


[Photo Credits: Bravo]