Real Housewives Of Orange County Recap: It’s Not Easy Being Green

If there’s one thing Kelly Dodd learned on last night’s episode of Real Housewives Of Orange County it’s that when you bet on a friendship with Vicki Gunvalson, you always lose!

We also got a big dose of the new girls last night. While Emily Simpson seems sweet, almost too normal, that Gina Cantevenbebotherwithwhatsherlastname is, well, to be frank, annoying as f–k! Since we know Gina is a New Yawker who tells it like it is and doesn’t hold back or hang around “pusses,” I think she’d be fine with my assessment of her personality.

Doubly annoying is Gina’s constant comparison of New York vs. OC. As if everyone in Orange County is a backstabbing, judgmental, harlot (there are) out to destroy her tender, open-heart (they are), but girl… please – we have all seen Real Housewives Of New York! We know Ramona Singer, and the likes of her are as judgmental as they come. We also know that Gina wouldn’t last one cocktail in that cesspool of rabid cougars.

Gina & Tatiana shopping on RHOC

I don’t understand why but we’re treated to the bizarre scene of Gina and her friend with her friend Tatiana, a fellow New York alien forced to slum it in Cali, going “antiquing” to the place where Hanibal Lechter hid his latest body, because Gina is buying a piece of furniture for her over-worked nanny Lupe. According to Gina, if it weren’t for Lupe she’d never be able to flee her kids to get her drink on and scream obscenities under the bedrooms of other people’s small children, thus giving them incurable nightmares of drunken, desperate women wearing scary Joker costumes (ahem… Shannon Beador). Who knows – maybe Gina also behaves like that at home, but some things, like an obsession with making a suit out of human skin, are better kept private.

The Tatiana introduction reeks of something foreboding. Gina reveals that Tatiana knows Tamra Judge and used to work out at CUT Fitness. “Used to” being the operative words here. I assume this means we’re being led into some drama trap in which Tatiana, the salsa to Gina’s chips simply by being a fellow NY transplant, has some issue related to Tamra that ultimately becomes a battle between Gina and Tamra. So predictable, Bravo! Also was Tatiana at Shannon’s 70’s party, accusing Kelly of having an affair?

Kelly & Shannon bond over divorce

Speaking of… WHOOOOO loves me?! It’s YOOOOO! All along! The rallying cry of two old birds out on the town in LA catching some homeboys. Kelly and Shannon are now BFF, bonded by divorce and the desperate desire to not feel so alone. Makes sense to me. They are now, in summation, “Kelly and Shannon Beador;” non-sexual co-dependent life partners known as Golden Girls. Kelly is most certainly “Blanche” while Shannon, daffy but cunning Shannon, is “Rose.” Actually, I think they’re more of Ernie & Bert types: Shannon with a collection of lemons, polished and counted, arranged and categorized by different color tones and subtle variations of shapes; Kelly with a rubber… vibrator? Anyway, they go out in LA, thankfully not to SUR, and cry about how they’re lonely, but at least they have each other. Kelly probably went home with some inappropriate man who claims to be a doctor, or at least to have played one on a late-70’s sitcom, and Shannon drunkenly Snapchatted a rap about how she’s planted a crystal in Kelly’s love corner.

Meanwhile, Tamra is the one who is actually all alone! Eddie is having heart problems, Jesus is deserting her, and instead of consoling her and being a good friend, Shannon is out carousing with Kelly then only calling her when she needs something. Something like advice on buying exercise equipment. Shannon hates gyms – even gyms owned by her so-called BFF – so she wants an at-home apparatus. This too is David’s fault – he took the cursed exercise bike he bought her and now Shannon can’t exercise. According to Gina, she hates living in OC because people don’t make jokes about Shannon’s vagina… unless it’s Shannon herself, who jokes that the exercise bike was the most action her vagina had seen in the last months of her marriage!

In the store, while Tamra is scooting around, testing equipment on one foot, Shannon stands there hoping that the quavering BowFlex cords won’t induce hungover vomiting.

Tamra confronts Shannon

Tamra takes this moment to call Shannon out over not being an in sickness and in health friend, for instance forgetting to check in after Eddie’s surgery, even though Tamra is always there when Shannon needs to cry over David. Now Tamra is the “Shannon” to Shannon’s “David.” Tamra warns Shannon that Kelly is a bad influence with all her partying and slutting about, which is hilariously hypocritical considering, as Shannon points out, that Tamra has a broken foot after drunkenly diving naked into a hot tub! Poor Tamra … Jesus don’t like jealous! (Isn’t envy a seven deadly sin?)

Vicki & Michael

Let’s check in on Vicktim Gunvalson, shall we? Vicki is now sharing an office with her son Michael, a vicktim of Stockholm syndrome, or possibly forced imprisonment. This still isn’t enough mother/son bonding for Vicki who wants Michael to make up for Briana moving as far away as humanly possible – the moon? – after escaping the solid gold and diamond handcuffs Vicki bought for her. It’s Michael’s duty to be the prodigal child. Which means when Michael and his girlfriend go to Europe they have to bring Vicki along so she can smother them like moldy cheese atop a fresh baguette. Luckily Michael is an arch avoider of such Vickisms and suggests instead that Vicki can fly out to meet them for dinner … don’t think she won’t! Cause Michael wants her to! Right?! Right?! Right?! (Wrong).

Emily brought everyone together again by hosting a poker party. If she was trying to show off her party planning business say why not choose a masquerade ball. Or a circus of fools. Oh wait…

Shannon's suitReally Shannon – that suit?!

Emily co-owns the business with her sister-in-law Shireen, who also happens to live right across the street, which means Shireen and Andy Cohen’s new favorite obsession Pary (Emily’s MIL) also attend. Shannon arrives wearing a Joker costume, literally a bright green pantsuit bedecked with poker cards and chips, which matches – badly – Kelly’s own classy green pantsuit. Was it a subtle dig at Tamra, who is not having an easy time being green?

Kelly Dodd is still upset with Vicki

Gina starts in on the booze hard and fast, then starts getting loud, raucous and even more annoying. She claims all the women in the OC have a perma-poker face from all the botox and therefore have an unfair advantage over her natural youth. Shannon does not agree – obviously, her emotional insanity is worn in her crazy-eye lines! Vicki arrives, late, and a drunk Kelly starts crying over Vicki setting Michael up. Vicki is instantly defensive. SHE did nothing wrong. SHE was being a friend to Michael. SHE thought Kelly didn’t care if Michael dated. SHE is the vicktim because Michael put her in the middle. Shannon immediately takes Kelly’s side and insists that even though Kelly has moved on… many times over and even dumped a man who wouldn’t buy her $25k sunglasses if anyone set up David on a date she’d slice them into tiny pieces of meat to serve in one of her QVC frozen dinners. That’s not her plate, bitch!

I just can’t with Vicki insisting she did nothing wrong here. And worse refusing to graciously say, “I’m sorry,” and mean it. So what if she doesn’t believe it, is it so hard to tell a little white lie to a friend and feel bad for hurting her? Vicki’s been acting on this reality show long enough that she should have mastered a convincing contrite. I mean we can’t have expected any Housewife to have mastered having a conscience!

Vicki apologizes to Kelly Again

Tamra, being an adult for once, takes Vicki outside to let her know that setting up Michael and hiding it from Kelly was NOT OK and Vicki needs to demonstrate that she understands why this is wrong. Shannon gets Kelly so they can really, truly talk this out. Vicki Blunderpants pretends she is distraught that Kelly is so upset with her, then it emerges that the true crux of the issue is because Vicki and Steve had MICHAEL over for Thanksgiving while Kelly was stuck dining at the country club alone with Jolie. Vicki maintains she had no idea Kelly was alone (which may be true – don’t Kelly’s mom and brother live in the OC?) and promises to call her more – obsessively! She can make Kelly her new Briana! – but as Kelly mentioned earlier Vicki is a constant disappointment, so we can’t trust that can we?

Emily Admits She Wasn’t A Fan Of Vicki; Calls Tamra The OC’s Biggest Shit-Stirrer

Maybe Kelly is overreacting because she’s lonely. After all, she was married for 13 years save for that little intermission to get separated and engaged to another guy. Kelly is dating chronically, defensively, to fill a hole in her heart and reassure herself that she’s made the right decision in divorcing Michael. As wise Pocket Pixie Pary revealed about Kelly’s constant flow of men, “A bunch means nobody.” Kelly and Vicki hug it out, temporarily, and Vicki promises with all her coal-black heart never to betray her again. MMMMMM-hmmmm…

Gina is drunk and loud

Meanwhile back inside Gina is druuuuunk. Gina is loooooud. Gina has taken Whooping It Up into overdrive and is driving the fun bus off a cliff. Gina is too much even for Vicki – after all this is a school night! Gina is the last to go, loudly declaring to Emily that she’s never leaving as she drops New Yawker F-bombs while cackling hysterically. All while Shane, Emily’s husband, is upstairs trying to put their kids to bed.

Shane does not approve of Gina

The next day Shane complains about Gina’s behavior. He doesn’t approve of her drunken antics. “If I go to New York am I going to meet loud, annoying women?” he asks to Emily’s explanation that Gina is just a typical New Yorker! Actually, Shane hopes to avoid all loud older women. He does not like them. They make him feel icky. Is Shane an ageist? Or Housewifist? Either way, he’s not fitting in here! It’s because he’s from Utah, and as Gina knows people not from New York don’t know anything.

Eddie continues to have heart issues

The biggest and most upsetting drama concern Eddie’s heart. He’s back in AFib and needs another procedure. Tamra can’t stop obsessing. She mentions it constantly to Eddie, who is clearly depressed and stressed, and doesn’t want to strain himself consoling Tamra in their half-finished kitchen. The most distressing part is that no matter how much she prays to the Bejeweled Jesus in the smog-filled sky Eddie isn’t fixed and it’s testing Tamra’s belief. Uh-oh!

I adore Eddie. I hope he gets better. We’re all rooting for you.


[Photo Credits: Bravo]