Below Deck Mediterranean Recap: Vodkant

Last night on Below Deck Mediterranean, Hannah Ferrier finally got called out for being all talk no work, but that doesn’t mean she developed ethics. No, ma’am!

I don’t know why Hannah is so uptight about being called materialist. I mean, basically, all she talks about, except when she’s complaining about how overworked, tired, and exhausted she is, are her possessions. You’d think a woman who prefaces the description of every item she owns with a whiny “It’s EXXXPENSIVEEEE (to be me)” would happily revel in being described as materialistic, the way a Kardashian does. This is akin to calling them saint-like and altruistic. They have punted right over the top of the Maslow’s hierarchy of needs to plonk a gold star on top.

I think the problem, however, is not that Hannah was called materialistic, but by WHOM. The whom would be Joao Franco. Joao is one slippery eel of an asshole, isn’t he? Literally, while Brooke Laughton‘s back is turned he’s shoving Kasey Cohen‘s phone down his pants to take a “dickie” then posing with her in cute couple selfies.

Kasey explains that it’s not HER problem Joao flirts with her, after all she’s not his girlfriend. Kasey apparently sees nothing desperate in trying to make Joao understand what he’s missing, all while claiming to be Brooke’s friend. Our psychology major should know what cognitive dissonance is! Luckily Brooke has friends like Hannah who are readily on hand to remind her of what a dickie her boyfriend is. And with friends and boyfriends like these Brooke definitely has enemies. Why, oh why, did she not choose Colin Macy-O’Toole. That guy, that guy my friends is a keeper! And he wears short shorts!

Colin and Brooke

Last night’s drama started below deck with Joao not being able to keep his hands to himself around Kasey’s phone, then his “materialistic” comment to Hannah right at the start of dinner. I hope no one ruined a Michelin Star experience for Adam Glick?! While Hannah sulks and smokes and guzzles wine – her version of extracurricular actives – Conrad Empson pleasantly discusses post charter travels with Joao, who invites him to ‘Zim. It’s basically OZ with only Tin Men seeking hearts, and maybe some cowardly lions, but definitely no wizards!

After dinner clears Joao and Brooke linger in the restaurant instead of wasting the bottle of wine everyone paid for. Basically, they wanted to escape Hannah’s wrath and it also provided perfect timing for Brooke, again, to remind Joao that she has expectations…. Commitment. Security. Old Lady Values Kasey also shares. Joao doesn’t know those words or any other words pertaining to being a nice boyfriend so he pulls Brooke into his lap for a snuggle instead.

Joao spies on Conrad and Hannah

Meanwhile, the remainder of the group is subjected to Hannah’s complaints about Joao all the way home. Conrad gets a special rant because he allowed Joao to chide Hannah for being materialistic but said nothing in her defense. Because she IS materialistic, as Conrad points out, so how do you tell her gently? Conrad, finally, sensibly, tired of fighting, goes to smoke; then to bed – alone. The rest of the crew watches this spat unfold over the security camera. I bet there are a whole lot of secrecy “Team Conrad” knickers being worn round there!

The next morning Hannah decides to forgive Conrad because she wants to visit Prague post-charter, and apparently needs someone to help pay for it so she can buy more discount designer clothes? Who really knows, but the bigger issue is that Hannah literally never lifts so much as a finger aboard the Motor Yacht Talisman while Brooke runs around like a chicken with her head cut off. Brooke is too nice.

Hannah puts on her halo, made of tin foil spread over flattened devil horns, in front of Captain Sandy, but when the captain’s away the chief stew is always on a ciggie break; leaving Brooke and Kasey to essentially run this joint. (And they do it way, way better. Except for the centerpieces).

The new charter guests are a husband-wife motivational speaking team, but who wants to be motivated by someone who looks like a lounge singer from Atlantic City? Apparently Joao. He immediately cozies up to the guests to share scintillating stories of life in ‘Zim. His name is pronounced like Jo-Woooow, by the way. Conrad is not impressed by the “ninth guest” who spends time schmoozing when he should be carrying the luggage. Joao – know your place. Or maybe the guests are hoping to convert him into their cult? A hyper-positivity cult fueled by bloody marys and lazy hannah’s.

Due to high winds, the yacht can’t leave the dock so Hannah proposes taking the tender on a booze cruise to some nearby ruins. Except she forgets the booze, only packing beer (which the guests don’t drink) and Bloody Mary fixins without the vodka. Fearing the wrath of Sandy after last time she boarded a tender, Hannah had Colin to play chief stew then sets him up for failure by not packing the adequate supplies. Luckily because the guests are all love, light, and not throwing people overboard and other things that don’t belong on Bravo, they don’t complain about the absentee vodka. Hannah blames being over-worked for the snafu, which is why she’s been diligently taking more breaks in order to keep her mind healthy.

A bikini-clad guest has a question for Adam

Actually these guests, and wherever they get their Jesus, were so sweet and excited to be there. They were especially blown away by Adam’s cooking, which was for once without peril. One of the guests doesn’t eat anything fun – no dairy, no sugar, no gluten, no substance, but Adam prepared by buying a trunk of fresh coconuts. Just in case he doesn’t do her allergies correct she sidles down to the kitchen wearing her bikini to grill and fillet Adam over sushi preparation. The fish, Adam tells her, is always frozen. Haha – cold fish jokes!

As Hannah loafs around, smoking and selfie-ing, Brooke and Kasey never sit down. Especially Brooke who is basically playing chief stew without the glory or the pay. Brooke believes Hannah is mistreating her to seek revenge over her relationship with Joao. Hannah do something as petty as that? Never!

Kasey is fine to just hide out in the laundry until it’s time to flirt with Joao then retreat again to her hovel, but Brooke is constantly dispatched to set tables, clear tables, serve food and drinks, assist in turn down – but never turn up! – and literally every other menial chore Hannah can envision. All while Hannah lives perpetually like the 9th guest! Essentially, to Hannah, there are the haves and have not’s; the have time offs (her) and the work like a dogs (everyone else).

Just when we thought he was doing better, Conrad starts sipping on some of Hannah’s Hypocrite Juice. After lecturing Joao for sitting around talking to the guests for a few minutes, Conrad oversleeps 1.5 hours into his shift and has to be woken up by Joao. Who has already questioned Captain Sandy about whether he’s allowed to fraternize with the charters. Sandy suggests he use his best judgment because he knows the line – which is scary advice considering he has terrible judgment and no lines he won’t cross, apparently, but at least he can work an alarm clock!

Below Deck Mediterranean Recap: Vodkant

After being stuck with both lunch and dinner service, then assisting Kasey with rooms, then clearing the dining room, all while Hannah snacked on leftover Bananas Fosters and prowled Facebook, Brooke has had it. After encouragement from Joao about how she’s (legitimately) being taken advantage of Brooke musters the courage to confront Hannah, but at midnight – which is terrible timing considering that they share a room and basically have to go to it immediately after arguing. Hannah denies being lazy and snaps that everything Brooke is doing is called “being a stewardess,” aka Hannah’s bitch. Hannah believes she has earned the entitlement to boss Brooke and whomever else around, but now that Brooke has Joao to turn to for advice she’s suddenly grown a spine. Too bad that spine doesn’t extend to telling off her so-called boyfriend!


[Photo Credit: Bravo]