It was the last charter and the season finale episode of Below Deck Mediterranean. I’m pooped of writing about the poop deck dramas of the Motor Yacht Talisman (I am also not too mature for poop jokes!). Everyone is moving on from the pettiness, squabbles, and bad vibes expect for Hannah Ferrier, who is just as ready as ever to make people’s lives miserable. Conrad Empson sure rues the day he ever got clobbered by a cougar!
The finale episode was truly all about playing games with Hannah. From musical chairs, to hide and seek, and finally battleship. The most shocking development though was realizing that Conrad and Hannah had never had sex! Do we believe them? It’s kind of cutely high school…
Anyway, we gotta also talk about Joao Franco admitting to Kasey Cohen that if she’d been the one sitting next to him during Hannah’s birthday, she’d also be the one he’d currently be screwing over instead of Brooke Laughton. Now Joao understands it was fate’s way of looking out for him. Joao mansplains, “When I kissed Brooke it all made sense…,” but I don’t want to talk to another girl too long, because it might stop making sense in my penile brain, then I might convenience kiss somebody else. Someone else like Kasey. This logic is like watching The Notebook in lieu of getting counseling for co-dependency, and then, even worse, believing this is how mature relationships work. And I am mature, so I should know!
Hippos you have failed womankind by not saving us from this predator beast from the mythical land of ‘Zim. Worse than Joao, though, is how Kasey is soooo disappointed she missed out on the opportunity to be with the world’s most amazing man! But upon realizing that, despite Joao’s early morning confessions, he and Brooke are still very much going to Florence Kasey decides, “They’re both lying to themselves. And to each other.” That is basically her first intelligent and insightful thought, like, ever.
Joao later tells us Brooke is “potentially” the girl he will spend the rest of his life with. I suppose that’s cute. The way Beanie Babies are cute. I do hope the sex they finally have was worth all the agony.
Seriously – why does anyone like Joao?! Even more puzzling – why is anyone fighting over Joao? This is Jerry Springer logic! Hannah has a point that he’s a total douche, and a horrible misogynist, even if it’s none of her business if Brooke wants to subject herself to that. Or maybe it is Hannah’s business? Maybe this is Hannah’s version of New Wave Feminism, save a sister from the creep.
In other important news, sweet, kind Hannah, the dragon from down under, was finally – after weeks and days and hours of mortal coil and turmoil – able to change her Prague flight. I was so worried! I was literally awake at night with anxiety believing Hannah was still waiting on hold for an airline operator. “This is one of the most expensive holidays that I’m never gonna have,” she whined to Conrad, trying to guilt trip him, after shelling out $420 EU (or almost one half of a pair of played-out Louboutins) to change her flight.
“If you were a gentleman you would’ve offered to pay for half, Conrad,” she snipes, like an overbearing mother hen. “Keep dreaming!” her teenaged son sasses back. Hannah should’ve washed his mouth out with soap.
GIRL, GO ALONE! YOU ARE ALLOWED TO TRAVEL INDEPENDENTLY. DIDN’T WE COVER THIS LAST WEEK?!
Also, here’s the thing – even AFTER shelling out the $420, you know if Conrad decided to go to Prague after all Hannah would’ve paid another $420 to switch her flight back. We see you Hannahsaurus. We, with our little beady eyes pressed to the Bravo-scope, see you. Apparently Hannah’s feminism means you need a penile escort, or you go stay on some rich gentleman friend’s yacht because he wants to f–k you, and you’re hoping to make your teenaged ex-boyfriend jealous.
In other interesting developments now that Conrad “dodged that bullet” with Hannah, he is getting along miraculously with Joao. Actually, everyone is literally getting along. Except Hannah. And the charter guests.
There is Trisha the hopeful trophy wife, who is literally the same age as the primary’s daughters, and here they all are squashed together on this tiny boat forced to sink or swim. After Trisha, again, delays dinner – this time to squeeze herself into the tightest dress “everrrrrr” – one of the daughters drowns herself in so much wine she passes out near the hot tub and Hannah has to help carry her to bed. Look, I don’t blame her. If I had to watch my father replacing my mother with a 40-year-old woman who talks like a valley girl and is as dumb as the rocks in the centerpiece (and just as emptily shiny and fake) I’d get wasted as well.
Hannah also gets it. After all, she is correct that being trapped on a yacht with your ex is a trial that should be attributed to detainees of Guantanamo Bay. Or I don’t know – maybe that is what waterboarding is?
The next morning – the final morning! – the drunk daughter tells her father she passed out because she was just “very tired”. Why is it, no matter how old we are, we never outgrow being our parents’ children? I say this wistfully having just sent my own two children off for the first day of school – my youngest started kindergarten!
When the guests, the most low-maintenance group ever, finally depart it’s also the last time we’ll ever see those cheap JoAnne Fabrics centerpieces made out of recycled prom dresses! Where did that seafoam polyester tulle even come from? It haunts my nightmares, suffocating me and tangling me up in Hannah’s angry tentacles.
These guests may not have brought the drama, but they did hand out a $20k tip – the highest of the season. Then it’s time to wipe down the boat one last time before Captain Sandy Yawn takes everyone out for a final celebratory dinner before seeing her version of little children off into the world.
Colin Macy-O’Toole celebrates by attempting a backflip off the side of the boat. He first puts on his helmet (safety first!), then literally backFLOPS into the Mediterranean! I love this guy. I love him even more after he surprised the crew with a rap he wrote to commemorate their time together, and it is just so perfect in every way. Brooke is a fool for not seeing how this caterpillar could’ve become her butterfly, and instead choosing a hippo reject.
During the finale clean-up, Hannah is suddenly everyone’s friend (except Conrad’s). She’s hugging Kasey and promising her a stellar reference… She was threatening to fire her about 3 weeks ago, now she pinches Kasey’s cheek and calls her “Darling” in a condescending tone while praises her for all her achievements. Just who is this sweet-voiced woman with the Mary Poppins vibe flipping Brooke’s hair and suggesting a mid-work wine break?! Well, a spoonful of sugar makes the
evilness medicine go down! It was all a ploy for Hannah to tell Brooke, AGAIN, how Joao will break her heart. Hannah bets an entire season of tips on Joao fucking Brooke over. Sour Grapes, Hanninator, Sour Grapes. (Make bitter wine).
Sandy rides to the restaurant with Hannah and Adam Glick. Their taxi had an oddly funereal vibe. Unlike the other taxi where everyone laughed as they plotted to help Conrad and Joao avoid drama with Hannah by not sitting next to her, or across from her, or in the same restaurant with her… . The plan was stealthy. It was solid. Everyone from the fun bus sprints into the restaurant to get in their correct places, but somehow even with all the musical chairs, (which I blame Kasey for fucking up), Hannah manages to plop down right next to Conrad, and across from Joao! Who would subject themselves to ruining a free dinner with passive-aggressive warmongering. WHO, Hannah?
Things spiral out of control because Hannah can’t take a joke. Sandy asks Conrad what’s next for him and Brooke jokes, “definitely not Prague.” Right before everyone’s eyes, Hannah morphs into a literal dragon (see Colin’s excellent method art interpretation of the Hannasauraus). After all the shit Hannah has talked about Brooke, and lectures she’s given Brooke about Joao is awful, she has no right to be this offended! Get off your self-righteous high horse, but she won’t. Cause she can’t. It’s as if the high horse was made by Givenchy and last seen in Kelly Bensimon’s apartment costing $200,000.
Instead, Hannah pulls Jamie Jason aside to loudly complain about how Brooke betrayed her for Joao, a misogynistic prick whom nobody likes. Well, au contraire, it seems TOO many people actually like Joao. The misogynist complaint is legit though. Poor Jamie is in the awkward position of trying to agree, while disagreeing, to avoid causing a huge scene in front of Sandy and ruining everyone’s night. Deep breaths and dreams of chocolate milk that’s not made from Nesquick girl…
In the final taxi ride back to the boat Hannah strikes. She starts by yelling at Joao, who shockingly doesn’t retaliate because Brooke has changed him for the better. Mmmmm-hmmmmm… Realistically Joao was relishing in the opportunity to condescend Hannah, who getting no reaction, turned to her “friend” Brooke who she cares about soooo much! The rest of the group flees the taxi leaving Brooke trapped against the window while Hannah yells. The exhausted and bored look on the Italian taxi driver’s face while he waited for them to leave – yeah, that was all of us!
Back on the boat, Brooke tries to talk to Hannah but winds-up storming out of their tiny cabin and calling her a bitch. Conrad used Hannah’s distraction as an opportunity to hide in one of the empty guest cabins. Avoidance, smartly, had been his plan all along. Adam’s plan was to use all the leftover lobster to make a killer mac and cheese, plus veal meatballs!
Hannah’s plan was to be “drunk and wasted and falling all over the place,” like our esteemed charger guest. Well, she got her wish! After fighting with Brooke she tracked down Conrad, searching for him all over the boat pretending to be worried he never made it home until she barged into the guest cabin and literally forced herself on him.
“Please go away,” begs Conrad as Hannah tries to make him jealous by announcing how she’s visiting some rich guy who wants to f–k her on his yacht. A 65-year-old billionaire, perhaps? Can he pay for her changed Prague flight?
The embarrassing disclosures provided by the mic Hannah forgot to unclip were… well, thanks for the softcore porn Bravo! I so did not need to hear Hannah slurring at Conrad to take her pants off, then moaning and groaning. I’d rather listen to Colin’s dragon noises.
The next morning an ashamed Conrad flees and Hannah is forced to do a walk of shame. Since most of these people will never see each other again – until the reunion – even Hannah is conciliatory when Brooke suggests they leave on a good note instead of in a fight. Maybe Brooke just wanted a good reference? Who knows, but it was the right thing to do.
Sandy cries while seeing Joao off and promises to make him her boson next season. Hint, hint – foreshadowing, my friends! Brooke and Joao walk off into the sunset together, holding hands, ready to get down and dirty in Florence without Kasey as their third wheel.
Adam sobs saying goodbye, then reflects on how much his cooking has improved this season. He credits Sandy for believing in him. He really was one of the standout characters of the season for me. He did his job, stayed out of trouble, and provided witty commentary which was delightful. I will eat in your future Michelin-starred restaurant any day – just so long as it’s comped!
And after all the drama over Prague, and breaking up over EU50, Hannah and Conrad end on a ‘maybe/maybe not’ while holding hands in the crew mess. Mess is the perfect word to describe them! Hannah promises that next season she’ll stick to masturbating instead of playing with guests or crew members. “I am NEVER dating on a yacht again,” exclaims Conrad. In fact, Conrad is considering getting out of yachting completely.
Hannah, though, she’s a lifer until she meets that 65-year-old billionaire willing to give her the Erika Jayne treatment.
TELL US – WHAT DID YOU THINK OF THE SEASON FINALE?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]