Below Deck Mediterranean Recap: Prague’d By Problems

It’s the last charter for Below Deck Mediterranean and the guests are literally a coma, luckily all crew relationships are exploding like a fireworks display.

Hannah Ferrier and Conrad Empson are FINALLY  breaking up – and this is only because Conrad tired of her toxic, immature dramas. “This is not going to work. If you argue every day what’s the point in being there. You’re not happy. I’m done,” he decides, before telling Hannah that Prague, and all its glories as a couples trip, is not happening.

This is what truly enrages Hannah – that she cannot manipulate Conrad into staying with her through the trip. He asserts to think about it but his eyes already focused on the future horizon, populated with women his own age, looking to have fun and not use him as a baby bait to make older, established men feel bad for her.

I really don’t understand Hannah’s attraction to Conrad. As Adam Glick describes, “You’re too young for her. She needs a 65-year-old billionaire.” Precisely!  I would actually love to see the RIP Roster in Hannah’s black book.

While Hannah and Conrad are officially sinking their doomed love affair, back at the table Brooke Laughton is watching, with growing unease, as Joao Franco flirts mercilessly with Kasey Cohen. This makes me so mad!

Joao Apologizes For His Treatment Of Brooke; Swears He’s A Changed Man!

After all that who wants to go out but Colin Macy-O’Toole and Jamie Jason. “I’m ready to grind on some raaaaandos!” bellows Colin. Yes – RANDOS: less drama, fun, and no sharing bunks suitable in size for Barbie Dream House. Those two should’ve just ditched everyone else to party.

Hannah & Conrad break up

Conrad and Brooke definitely should’ve reversed positions, because going back to the Talisman guarantees that he can’t escape Hannah’s tentacles. Conrad is armed with anti-vaxx though. As if somehow his pheromones are no longer activated by the scents Gucci Rush. Case in point: just as Conrad and Adam are discussing why dating Hannah is a bad idea, Hannah walks up the stairs. Ugh –  I really wanted to hear Adam talk shit.

Conrad also tried to flee, but Hannah had a million reasons why he had to take her to Prague instead. At this point literally everyone, boat-side or club-side, is so drunk they’re essentially speaking in tongues, so it’s alll schowa;lkaspoifpoiaselmalksfoiue Prague’a;ls”;alsf;lkdlgk Yoooo a;lk;lakglka;l][ae0t]q[la’;a;sie[p fight wisth you in Prawg-ugh.’

Adam returns to rescue Conrad, and Hannah makes a show of ‘graciously’ leaving. Adam’s “please stay,” in the tone you reserve for your mother-in-law dropping by unannounced was hilarious! Shady crocks that guy and I love it! When Conrad finally escapes to bed, mercifully alone, we have all been him getting our heads stuck in the shirt we forgot to unbutton because we are just. so. tired. of. life.

The crew members at the club were hardly grinding on randos, but instead inflicting masochism onto each other. Joao abandons his seat next to Brooke to move near Kasey. Brooke stomps to the bathroom leaving Joao to complain that they haven’t even had the “fun sex part of their relationship before they’re onto the serious stuff.” I agree with him there, but it’s his way of showing Brooke he doesn’t want to get serious with mixed messages that I object to, then being annoyed that she’s annoyed. “Now it’s gonna be like I can have so much fun – watch me,” he gripes. Joao obviously has the douche reaction schedule memorized! Too bad they’re at the most boring club, like ever, so no one could have fun if they tried. Although tried Joao did when he was dancing with Kasey to spite Brooke.

Kasey is equally pathetic. “I think I still flirt with Joao because deep-down I still like him. And if I hadn’t left that dock party, that could be me,” she pouts. Translation – If Kasey hadn’t left that party SHE could be Brooke, as in it would be BROOKE Joao was (probably) flirting with to make Kasey jealous.

Kasey also spends the whole evening with wide innocent “WHO ME?” eyes, pretending she has no idea why Brooke is upset. At this point, Joao and Kasey’s mutual, orchestrated gas lighting of Brooke is mean, and I just want Ramona Singer to pop up in the corner, crazy eyes googling, to yell, “Kasey – It’s about women supporting women! And you don’t support other women!” Then throw some rancid pinot grigio in Joao’s face.

Joao lays down in Kasey's lap

The fact that neither of these women recognize his tactics is distressing to me. Back on the boat things only escalate when Joao lies down on the bench in the crew mess to put his head nearly in Kasey’s lap.

Holy awkward. And what a way to ruin a drunk noshing. “Fuck off wankers!” Brooke bellows, sauntering to bed. With everyone trying not to react Kasey whines, “He’s not even on me.” No, not technically. But Joao did have his face nearish to a place where no man hath passed in nye a decade and he was making groaning (actually farting) noises, but he’s NOT ON ME. Is this some sort of Monty Python skit about flirting?

Brooke reacts

At least Brooke blames Joao for violating her trust, not Kasey – even though she should dock that girl for violating friend code. Colin comforts a crying Brooke while Kasey tries to make Jamie handle her Joao situation. “I want nothing to do with him right now,” sniffs Jamie. Literally the only woman on this boat who has a brain. (Including Captain Sandy who has also fallen for Joao’s BS).

The next morning it’s as if it never happened because Brooke doesn’t remember why she was angry! Colin remembers though – especially when Joao mocks him for having the worst hangover ever. Joao’s only redeeming benefit is that he’s an equal opportunity asshole.

With the booze out of his system, Joao is now back in lust with Brooke. After Joao convinces her that he did nothing wrong it is Brooke who feels stupid for acting jealous; Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind-style. With all the unpleasantness behind them, they discuss going to Florence together post-season. Maybe this is normal – this type of onboard relationship but I couldn’t handle the intense highs and lows.

Hannah and Conrad are also forced to face each other in a crew meeting. “Honestly if the FBI wants to find a way to torture people they should put them on a yacht with their ex-boyfriend,” admits Hannah. The incoming charter is a…. 65-year-old billionaire though! Too bad Clint is taken by a hopeful trophy wife (she’s a temp trophy!). He also has two spoiled-rotten daughters who are on the trip to hopefully bond with their prospective step-mom. It’s more awkward than a night out with Joao, Kasey, and Brooke, the most G-rated menage a trois ever!

Clint is the worst name though. It makes me think of a low-grade bacterial infection contracted from fleas or something. Just awful.

Too bad it took ALL season for the Hannah that Sandy likes to appear, but realizing future job security is in jeopardy she decides to finally do her job proficiently. She makes the last one count by hiring an Italian dancer and band for the guests’ traditional Italian dinner. Also with Conrad and Hannah over, “Suddenly service is through the roof,” notes an overjoyed Adam.

Conrad without Hannah is a miraculous transformation from puppy dog to bosun. Maybe it was seeing the light at the end of the Capri tunnels that freedom from being stuffed into Hannah’s designer purse, petted on the head while being called “Sweetheart” was near? Hannah is having a lot more difficulty moving on specifically moving on from the canceled Prague trip. She complains incessantly about having to rearrange her tickets which is ALL CONRAD’S FAULT.

Everyone is in light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel mode, though. Take for instance the amazing lunch Adam prepares for the crew. Sooo tantalizing. Too bad Brooke and Joao’s flirting at the table is so thoroughly unappetizing. No one can figure out what is going on with these two. Especially not Kasey, who desperately wants to!

Brooke has serious daddy issues, which she admits to and claims she could never forgive a violation of trust. Her own father cheated on her mom with younger women numerous times, eventually marrying one. Brooke sympathizes with the daughters on the awkward charter, stuck with the tacky girlfriend their father towed along. “My dad’s wife is young and … awful,” she shares. Just like Brooke’s boyfriend!

Trish, the “step-mum figure” is particularly heinous, however. She drunkenly crashes into the boat on a jetski, nearly knocking Jamie into the water. She holds up dinner to spray tan, then brags about having a tramp stamp at the table when the daughters mention memorializing their mom with a tattoo.

Also, the Italian-Themed dinner table looked like someone borrowed Lady & The Tramp and copied the decor. The theme was more aptly LADIES & The Tramp, though!

With Brooke serving dinner, Kasey and Joao banter about how much they will miss each other. On a scale of 1-10, I would miss Joao a -2, but I do not have Stockholm Syndrome from being trapped on a yacht with him for 4 months.

Colin professes his like to Brooke

As Brooke prepares to make a HUGE, MASSIVE MISTAKE forgiving Joao and traveling to Florence with him, Colin decides he must confess his feelings for her.  And chooses to do this IN THE BATHROOM while she’s getting ready for bed and Joao is asleep nearby! OH, honey. OOOOOOOOH, honey. DOOOOM. Brooke rejects him, which is such a shame because they are so cute together and he is such a great guy. Please tell me Tinder has a section of their app purely dedicated to setting this guy up?

The charter guests go to bed at 10:30 and Brooke is obviously permanently relegated to clearing up dinner, so that gives Hannah time to deal with the agonizing ordeal of changing her Prague flight. She goes to the starboard while Conrad is coincidentally there on duty and sulks that canceling the trip is costing her a lot of money ($200). Hannah thinks Conrad should offer to pay for half the cancelation fee since it’s all his fault! She wouldn’t accept his money – no; never! – but he should offer.

Why can’t Hannah just go to Prague alone?! It’s not 1918 – she doesn’t need an escort. A fed-up Adam offers to give them each $100 if they stop bothering him. I, too, will contribute. I’m sure we all would if it means they shut up. Then Hannah will have made money off being horrid to Conrad and can buy herself a new discount designer purse to brag about. Maybe she can even throw a baby shower for it! Good for Conrad for not backing down.

Kasey wants another shot with Joao

The next day, in the still light of morning, Kasey propositions Joao and he is here for it. He jokes that everyone expects he won’t last with Brooke, and Kasey, best friend ever, readily agrees. This leads Kasey to ask that if she wouldn’t have left the table that fateful moment during Hannah’s birthday, would Joao have kissed her instead? Joao confirms she’s “a million percent right.” He also admits to having reservations about Brooke.

So many problems with this! A) Who would put up with someone acknowledging they were on Easy Access Patrol, and it was like whoever was available at the given time? B) Who has these conversations at 6 am. While holding shammies. Soooo gross! Soooo high school! Sooooo filthy a shammy can’t even put a dent in the grime.

Too bad Brooke and Joao not only survived Florence, but she visited him in ZIM!


[Photo Credits: Bravo]