LeeAnne Locken at 8o's Prom

I was all about this season of Real Housewives Of Dallas, which seemed to be moving through petty problems quickly and focusing on real friendships with light drama. Enter D’Andra Simmons’ midlife crisis and nervous breakdown coupled with LeeAnne Locken‘s 35,000th multiple personality: yuppie dharma leader who met her wealthy second husband on a zen retreat, then ditched her Birkenstocks for ballgowns and goes around Dallas selling spirituality to on the charity circuit. Now I know that’s not ACTUALLY who LeeAnne is, or even close to what she’s got going on, but in my mind when LeeAnne imagines this new so-called peacemaker persona she’s developed, this is what she’s basing it off.

Anyway, D’Andra needs to get her head out from under LeeAnne’s wedding gown (or lack thereof) and stop embarrassing herself. And LeeAnne needs to stop pretending she cares about Stephanie Hollman‘s friendship. We all see her salivating over Stephanie with a piranha grin and we know she plans to serve up Stephaphina Soup at a dinner party that Brandi Redmond is also invited to.

Basically, this whole season is now reduced to LeeAnne and D’Andra destroying each other and using Stephanie and Brandi as live ammunition. 

Anyways girl, the episode begins with Stephanie meeting LeeAnne and Kameron Westcott for lunch. LeeAnne has decided if Brandi weren’t around Stephanie and Kameron would be BFF like Barbie and Skipper, but as everyone knows:  BRANDI RUINS EVERYTHING. Now, I find Brandi as meddlesome as the next person, but she ain’t going anywhere and she’s not exactly dangerous. She’s essentially a harmless little sister who embarrasses you, except if you’re LeeAnne who sees Brandi as a calculating nemesis throwing tequila into open-wounds.

Sure enough, LeeAnne’s organized lunch is going well, and everyone is getting along – then swoop – LeeAnne starts talking about how she’s found “her group” and suggesting Stephanie be inducted into their sorority. Then, of course, she mentions how differently – re: uncouth, unapproachable, and filled with drama-causing – Stephanie acts around Brandi, and, girl, isn’t it SO nice that Stephanie is here all alone now! Stephanie swallows hard as a cold fear settles over her… She should’ve  shut LeeAnne up right there with a “Girl, I thought we were forming a friendship outside of Brandi, so why are we talking about Brandi and blaming her for things?” LeeAnne’s motives = officially suspect.

LeeAnne’s not the only one though! Across town, Brandi believes hiring a nanny means she’s no longer on mommy-duty. Like Ever. She meets D’Andra for a “boozy lunch” where D’Andra thought they were having a glass of wine, which turned into a bottle + shots and trash-talking LeeAnne’s marriage before crashing her charity event. The gist of Brandi and D’Andra’s friendship is booze and LeeAnne bashing, so why not?

D'Andra & Brandi's Boozy Lunch

D’Andra tells Brandi all about the gossip she’s heard from multiple people (online trolls?) that Rich is unfaithful and she knows LeeAnne knows, but refuses to admit it even to her best friend. Gee, I wonder why not? Brandi agrees that LeeAnne will never be honest and suggests LeeAnne is jealous of D’Andra. I agree LeeAnne is jealous of D’Andra, but I don’t think it has anything got do with D’Andra and LeeAnne’s current issues, and that jealousy is more about D’Andra growing up wealthy and connected.

Also what was going with Brandi’s botched straightening job with the huge ridge near the top of her head? Girl, were you already drunk or did Brikley-Brimstone-whatever that kid’s name is do it?

Brandi & D'Andra confront LeeAnne at a charity event

By the time they arrive – uninvited, in Brandi’s case – to LeeAnne’s event it’s pretty much over and Brandi can barely stand straight, but she sobers up enough to have a semi-coherent argument where she points out that LeeAnne has a pattern of warning people away from her and calling Brandi a bad influence. That she does!

LeeAnne argues with Brandi ... again

D’Andra claims she brought Brandi there so she and LeeAnne talk away from everyone else. Uh-huh. Did anyone else notice how Brandi was literally dressed like a D’Andra clone? Honestly, LeeAnne and Brandi would probably be fine if it weren’t for Brandi and D’Andra becoming close… that’s what LeeAnne is upset about and what she sees as D’Andra’s betrayal, and that’s also why she’s trying to befriend Stephanie!

Stephanie Hollman gets vaginal rejuvenation

I can’t even be bothered to talk about Stephanie using her vagina to advertise Cary Deuber‘s new laser center, but I guess I wouldn’t want to be Pretty Pretty Princess Pee Pants either, so… However, I can very much do without Cary’s rude illustrations comparing Stephanie’s hoohah first to a sewer tunnel and then, after laser treatment, a pinhole. I’m sure Travis is thanking her for saying that on national TV. #NOT.

Afterward, Stephanie sits Cary down and tells her that, girl, all this “truth-telling” is starting to look a lot like shit-stirring, girl, so she better wise-up or find herself friendless in Dallas. Cary admits she was wrong to rat-out Brandi to LeeAnne, thus giving LeeAnne ammunition she does not need. I mean, if Cary wants to be gossiping she needs to be a little more savvy about it. Take some tips from LeeAnne about how to drop a tidbit unexpectedly into a conversation then move on like it was scarcely said, thus leaving people wondering and guessing and talking about it more. Hence how LeeAnne casually mentioned, over her lunch with Stephanie, how she would never tell Kameron not to be friends with Brandi… And I noticed LeeAnne kept adding that she also never told CARY not to be friends with Brandi, which is interesting considering this was never suggested by Cary or Brandi.

But this is why I like Stephanie. She does honesty correctly. She went straight to Cary, as a legit friend, with no ulterior motives and approached it like a normal human being would. It was also a covert way of pointing out that getting along with LeeAnne for the sake of security and safety is different than actually trusting LeeAnne.

Kameron is immune from all of this, though. She had her nice little glass of wine over lunch but a girl has business to attend to! It’s time to sell some Sparkle Dog internationally! Shockingly Kameron has convinced a global pet branding company to take an interest in her pink dog food and they believe it has a potential appeal in Asian markets. Kameron is overjoyed and Court looks visibly shocked. Who could blame him – Kameron can’t even string a sentence together without the words “pink” or “girl” and she will literally stop traffic to point out inappropriate hemlines, but here she is becoming a pet food mogul. Sparkle on! Also, Kameron now knows like science, girl, cause like dogs CAN see color. Mmmmmhmmmmm…  Well, let’s hope Kameron starts selling more than the 5 bags of dog food she forces the nanny to buy, then reimburses her.

Brandi & Stephanie - Prom King & Queen

Finally, it’s time for an 80’s prom-themed charity event co-chaired by Kameron which raises money for HIV/AIDS. Cause nothing says fun 80s party like Kameron Westcott! Brandi and Stephanie decided to go as Prom King and Queen, and Stephanie even added fake braces to her look. They look amazing and spend the whole night joking about getting laid except for a few salient moments in the limo where Stephanie takes her braces off and gets real with Brandi that she better watch messing in LeeAnne and D’Andra’s drama or find her hair permanently looking like that.  Girl, heed that warning.

Brandi confronts LeeAnne about living a lie

Heed Brandi does not! About 16 seconds and one beer into the prom Brandi asks to speak to LeeAnne privately and pretends she wants to squash their issues. Actually she wants to fight D’Andra’s battles by demanding to know WHY LeeAnne has not set a wedding date and accusing her of hiding something. Apparently, everybody knows Rich is up to some cheating? I will agree with Brandi that LeeAnne’s new ‘love and light’ personality is fake as Stephanie’s braces, and that’s valid, but arguing that LeeAnne is pretending to get married because that’s what D’Andra said? Nope. Equally stupid was Brandi feigning concern about how LeeAnne is running from the truth… Brandi, mind your beeswax, girl!

Proving Brandi’s point that LeeAnne hasn’t changed one whit, she retaliates by suggesting that she can start rumors and speculation too! Like perhaps Brandi adopted Bruin to save her marriage, and where did that red-headed baby really come from?

Cary Deuber

Brandi barely made it out of that one alive, but back in the safety of the group, an emotional Cary admits to Brandi that she repeated their conversation to LeeAnne, and knows it was wrong. Brandi accepts her apology and their giant hair-do’s hug and work it out, but Brandi’s not so sure about trusting Cary anymore.

D’Andra arrives late, and I swear she just borrowed Mama Dee’s makeup artist because otherwise, she looked totally normal (normal for her). Being that Dallas is a town perpetually frozen in the 80’s this was sort of a redundant theme. I mean except for Brandi and Stephanie (and Cary’s hair) they all looked pretty much the same! Cary was complaining that she doesn’t understand why people glorify the ugly 80’style when her makeup pretty much looks that crazy every day!

As soon as D’Andra walked through the door I sensed trouble. Like the popular cheerleader out to menace the loser who finally waxed her eyebrows and put on a dress, and is now hot. D’Andra says she doesn’t want to be the one telling LeeAnne about all the rumors – except, girl, you are literally THE ONLY person talking about those rumors!

D'Andra Simmons - 80s Prom

Right away D’Andra and LeeAnne get into it, literally snarling at each other; day-glo overly made-up eyes flashing and waxed lipsticked mouths snapping. D’Andra is adamant that LeeAnne is hiding what she knows about Rich’s infidelity and isn’t being honest about her feelings. LeeAnne insists that nothing is going on and that it’s D’Andra who is untrustworthy. D’Andra is upset that she’s being ostracized from LeeAnne’s wedding planning, and therefore takes that to mean no wedding planning is happening. LeeAnne whines that D’Andra is trying to ruin her happiness with allegations.

Eh – they’re probably both right, but here’s the thing: why is D’Andra talking about this on national TV if she thinks LeeAnne truly has problems? And why is she so invested?! Also just last week she said she wanted to keep LeeAnne at a $200 distance, now she’s complaining that LeeAnne isn’t confiding in her like a best friend should.

Finally, LeeAnne is crowned prom queen and I was all prepared for a ‘Carrie‘ moment where D’Andra dumped paint all over LeeAnne’s totally tubular dress that was also borrowed from Mama Dee, but instead a dejected and wounded D’Andra just walked away, all alone, with nothing but her ginormous hair to keep her company. So ironic that here D’Andra and LeeAnne are fighting over being queen again, but this time there’s a clear winner and although no k-cups were harmed, dignity certainly still was!  D’Andra, girl, what are you doing? Just stop.


[Photo Credits: Bravo]

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