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D'Andra Simmons

This season of Real Housewives Of Dallas has turned D’Andra Simmons into a ball of palpable vibrating ragemotions bursting open at the seems. Instead of hard night good morning, it’s become hard night bad day, and the stress of dealing with Mama Dee, plus financial strain has turned D’Andra into the type of woman who wears an ugly hat to hide her ugly intentions while sitting on a park bench accusing her best friend’s fiance of cheating. To quote Kameron Westcott in any and all situations, “Girl, what are you doing, girl?”

And what is D’Andra Simmons doing!? I mean, first of all, who would wear a fashion accessory that literally manifests your shady behavior? And what purpose does it serve to ruin LeeAnne Lockens happiness by accusing Rich of cheating (which I do not even believe)? Now I am not one to defend LeeAnne – ever – but D’Andra, that hat is the least of your problems!

Personally, I think it’s some weird psychology situation where D’Andra morphs into ‘the Mama Dee‘ with LeeAnne and whenever LeeAnne starts getting too independent or ahead of herself, here comes Mama D’Andra to snidely slap her back down. LeeAnne takes it because LeeAnne is an unfillable vat of need and want, openly keening for love, attention, and acceptance – especially from the socialite set – and also because these two are both so messy-messed up with co-dependence they need to go on Marriage Bootcamp together.

This episode was all about moms, wasn’t it? Even D’Andra stabbing LeeAnne in the heart to project her Mama Dee baggage.

Presently Lee and D‘ aren’t speaking (actually neither are Dee and D’). D’Andra claims it’s because she’s still upset over LeeAnne gossiping to Cary Deuber bout how she only had $200 in her Starbuck’s account, so now she doesn’t fully trust LeeAnne. Now, I 100% agree with D’Andra that LeeAnne wasn’t trying to be a good friend. Chattering about D’Andra’s money and family drama certainly nefarious intent, but D’Andra is taking her retaliation too far! LeeAnne has already eaten humble pie in the form of a dog biscuit when she was caught red-handed after Cary pulled down the curtain on her tricky scheme, so move past this with dignity by rising above and just keeping LeeAnne at a distance for a while. Girl, this is your opportunity to be the bigger person, girl!

Kameron Westcott learns Spanish

But let’s check in on Kameron in espanol, shall we. Kameron wants her kids to learn Spanish because even she has the wherewithal to know that building a wall around Mexico will not contain the reality that an increasingly large swath of the globe speaks Spanish. Kameron, progressive? El shock-o!

Kameron has the Spanish teacher come over to bake cupcakes with Cruise and Hilton, Kameron’s two unfortunately named, but cute children, who have probably never seen the inside of their kitchen before. It was a whole new world full of things that aren’t pink – nothing being pink is all the proof you need that Kameron doesn’t cook. And in the most undignified moment of Kameron’s magical flamingo life she attempted to jam an entire cupcake in her mouth on Court’s dare, then spit it out on the kitchen floor. She’s probably still in therapy for that shocking and disgraceful moment, and ever since has been pink with embarrassment which must be why she looks so fetching in her new interview look. The Veronica Lake waves and the side part – muy bien!

Stephanie Hollman takes her kids to some dance lesson. After a few minutes of watching Stephanie side step off-beat while shaking her head vacantly, the teacher can take no more. Then Stephanie’s older son torments the younger one by ripping his shirt off and chasing him around. I have two boys, about the same age. This was too much reality for me. Stephanie says she’s too much of a people pleaser to even discipline her kids (Mama Dee clearly has the opposite problem!), but I disagree – Stephanie is too hard on herself! I thought she did a good job. She didn’t yell, she was firm and assertive, and got results.

I can’t even go into Brandi Redmond‘s parenting. I’ve been avoiding it all season, and it’s not that I think Brandi is a bad mom, just that she’s too laid-back. At home Brandi is a walking coma, then Brandi leaves the house and she’s a wild unhinged thing permanently attached to a tequila bottle.

LeeAnne doesn’t have kids, but she does have enough mama drama that we’ve been hearing about it for three seasons and blessedly last night didn’t have to. We know all about the carnie kid encampment, and the amygdala, and the everything else Jesus can’t fix. Jesus also, apparently, isn’t on the repairs committee for fixing her friendship with D’Andra. LeeAnne and Rich discuss wedding plans and have narrowed their guest list down to about 200. Mostly LeeAnne’s ‘friends’ – aka people she wants to invite as an F-U to prove she can get married on TV. LeeAnne also envisions spending $250,000 on this wedding. LeeAnne in what world do you think anyone believes you have that kinda of disposable cash lying around?

Rich

Rich plans to do all the traditional stuff – wear the same tux he got married in the first three times, stand at the end of the aisle to wait for the bride like he usually does, but this time, LeeAnne tells us he’ll be STAYING MARRIED. Or else Rich’s life, or lack thereof, is gonna turn into an episode of CSI where there’s a homicide at the carnival. That’s just my suspicion anyway! D’Andra also better watch her back in the funhouse mirrors though.

D’Andra has been ignoring LeeAnne’s texts. Rich suggests LeeAnne call D’Andra but it goes straight to voicemail. LeeAnne is heartbroken by their fracture and doesn’t know what she’s done. Hint: it involves $200 and a reality show. I think D’Andra is overreacting to LeeAnne’s backstabbing, or maybe there’s more to the story that we don’t know? Or maybe D’Andra just knows LeeAnne like the back of her hand, but girl nobody wants to see a longtime friendship split up over some reality TV drama, girl. Take your own advice and get it together bitch!

Mama Dee visits D’Andra and I am shocked to see her driving a normal person car. I envisioned Dee having some kinda crazy white Rolls Royce emblazoned with her own picture on the side, but nope just a Lexus SUV. That I consider a luxury SUV a “normal person car” is how warped my mind has become on Bravo.

Mama Dee turns over company to D'Andra

D’Andra and Dee haven’t spoken in 4 weeks since Dee accused D’Andra of being jealous of her beauty, and in that time Dee has had (another) come to Jesus moment about how her relationship with D’Andra, her only child, is more important than retaining control of the company, so she’s turning the whole thing over – for real this time. D’Andra is skeptical. And she has every right to be. Dee has done played this hand so many times, that D’Andra doesn’t even have the energy to pretend to look happy and you can tell that in her mind she’s still making plans to separate Hard Night Good Morning from whatever supplements can make you live forever like Dee. Dee is such a master manipulator, I don’t even think Andy Cohen could handle it. This lady needs to teach a course called Ultimate Real Housewives. ‘Cause she could outpace even Lisa Vanderpump in the shady boots department.

Then Cary sets up the cast trip by revealing that her dad, whom she has a distant and unhappy relationship with, is from Denmark and she’d like to know more about his history. Cary still has lots of family living there including tons of cousins. LeeAnne and D’Andra leaving the country together, in their current state, is probably a threat to national security…

Kameron's doggy painting party

The highlight of the show – and I use this term loosely – is Kameron’s doggy painting party. Everyone plus their dogs and kids are invited. Kids give LeeAnne the heebie-jeebies, and the feeling is mutual, so she’s reluctant to attend, but anything to stay in Kam’s good graces!

This party is, well, I honestly don’t have words! Kameron hired – or attempted to hire – a string quartet to set the mood for making art. Only three musicians showed up so either Kameron can’t spell quartet or the fourth thought this gig was a joke and is at home making better use of their time watching Netflix. Kameron also laid out all this fancy food, including gourmet dog biscuits which looked like cookies so that LeeAnne accidentally ate one. The taste of chicken wasn’t a giveaway? LeeAnne probably also thought dog poop was brown paint.

Kameron's Hot Art Teacher

It’s basically complete bedlam of kids and dogs running around wildly, and I think the real reason Kameron threw this party was to deepen her relationship with the hot art teacher (see above! Swoon!) who has painted all her pets. Unsurprisingly it is LeeAnne’s dog that shits right next to the cello. What is surprising is that Brandi didn’t spend the day making poop jokes. It’s cause she was in a baaaad, baaaad mood after dealing with her wayward kids.

Brandi's kids are bad

After Brandi’s mom filed an unpaid wages complaint with the Department of Labor, Brandi had to hire a nanny. The nanny is at home with Bruin while Brandi takes Brooklyn and Brinkley to the painting party. Brooklyn DOES. NOT. WANT. TO. GO and spends the car ride making sounds like a howler monkey. “If I had to drive these two tiny bitches and Bruin I would literally drive off a cliff,” laughs Brandi, who breaks speed limit records knowing there will be much-needed wine at Kam’s doggy art fest. This Brooklyn child is a hellspawn we haven’t seen since Milania Giudice. And I love it. I am all for the wild children who give no f-cks about embarrassing their parents on national TV.

Once there Brandi has to face LeeAnne shooting death stares at her from over a poop-stained easel. D’Andra decided the best way to handle LeeAnne at this shitty get together is to ignore her completely. Literally. LeeAnne knows somethings up and pulls her trusty pal Cary aside for the scoop.

Cary gossips to LeeAnne - Again

LeeAnne is working Cary so hard. And Cary is so desperate to stay on LeeAnne’s good side she’s putty in her hands – we all know what those hands can do! –  but even LeeAnne is unnerved when Cary straight up throws Brandi under the bus (with essentially no provocation) by telling LeeAnne how Brandi believes she’s “in Kam’s ear” and telling D’Andra not to be friends with her. When LeeAnne thinks you’re being a bad friend, time to reevaluate. Seriously – what is Cary doing? Like, why is she so eager to be LeeAnne’s little gossip gopher? Girl, no, girl, don’t do it, girl. Girl get your own, like, spine, girl. Also, for the record I do not think Kameron is easily manipulated. Quite the opposite!

LeeAnne & Cary

To enact revenge against Brandi, LeeAnne has been trying to buddy-up to Stephanie. So she makes good on her plan to invite Stephanie to lunch with her and Kam. Brandi doesn’t think this is a good idea, but for now is keeping her opinions to herself. Frankly, I’m impressed by this restraint.

Finally, D’Andra and LeeAnne meet for a long overdue coffee but far from making amends, D’Andra makes it worse! I just don’t understand why D’Andra is so concerned about when Rich and LeeAnne are getting married. So. WHAT. Even if LeeAnne is hiding something, even if D’Andra truly does suspect Rich is cheating, why would she bring this up on camera? At least LeeAnne had the decency to gossip about D’Andra’s finances behind closed doors – although she did so knowing full well it would come out ON camera eventually, but D’Andra has completely cut out the middle man – and any sense of decency – by just lobbing this accusation out there without any supporting evidence. Especially when she was so hard on LeeAnne for making accusations about Cary’s marriage last season!

D'Andra questions LeeAnne about Rich

D’Andra first questions LeeAnne on “living separate lives” with Rich and then when she confirms that there’s no date for the wedding yet, straight up asks LeeAnne if she thinks Rich is faithful, intimating that there have been rumors… LeeAnne is literally, for about the first time in her entire life, speechless. D’Andra, girl, don’t do that, girl. This is like so uncouth, girl, mmmmmmmmmmm, I don’t like this side of you, girl.

LeeAnne

I understand D’Andra is emotionally raw from a lifetime of Dee, but don’t do LeeAnne this dirty! I am a big D’Andra fan and I’m super disappointed in her.

TELL US – DID D’ANDRA GO TOO FAR WITH HER ACCUSATIONS? DID CARY THROW BRANDI UNDER THE BUS?

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

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