Sigh. It seems like only yesterday that these mild-to-highly disturbed folks came into our lives, but alas, âtis time to say goodbye! Before the six couples of 90 Day Fiance: Before The 90 Days float on down the rancid river of their bad decisions forever, we at least get one final rumble on a very tiny couch, complete with Angela popping off on Rachel while two grown men physically restrain her. And really, what more could we ask for?
Last night, Shaun Robinson hosted the 90 Day version of a TLC reunion, known as The Couples Tell All, in which the American fiances come together (plus Jesse, who would attend the opening of an envelope if it meant more screen time) to talk to their Skyped-in lovahs. At each Tell All, we are promised updates on the couplesâ plans since weâve seen them last. But what we actually get at these twisted shindigs is OH SO much more.
After footage rolls of everyoneâs âjourney,â Shaun begins our night of terror with Paul, who is elated to be back in the States and away from the scary poop water. Karine â who has a super cute new bob haircut â Skypes in to update us on how sheâs fared since Paul left. Well, no one is screaming at her to âFALLA!â anymore, nor is she having to witness grown men sniff their underwear in her presences. Nevertheless, she misses him.
Paulâs mom, Mary, is Skyped in next to comment on the fiasco. After a cringeworthy, âHola,â Mother Paul tells Karine that her son is a challenge and an arsonist, and theyâre going to face an uphill battle trying to make this marriage work. This ainât great news because Paul needs his mom (or dad) to potentially sponsor Karineâs visa. Even less great? Father Paul has no plans to do any such thing. Also, just when we were feeling Paul was kind of turning into a normal humanoid, he busts out with, âI got both of your hair in my backpack!â upon seeing his mother and Karine on screen. CHILLS.
But Karine is happy no matter what becauseâŠPLOT TWIST! Sheâs pregnant again. Mother Paul obviously isnât happy about this news, which sheâs undoubtedly known for a while now, and basically shrugs when Shaun asks if sheâs excited. Ouch. Also, Paul is gonna need Karine to do a DNA test to prove this baby is his. Karine, whoâs been tested more than a goddamn lab rat at this point, doesnât even seem to care at first. But suddenly, she summons the strength to tell Paul heâs basically a piece of sh*t who she doesnât even want to be with anyway. âI hope my visa doesnât get approved!â she says through tears while Paul just pitifully whines, âIâm sorryâŠI love you.â Um, WTF Paul!?!?
Side note: I am hoping David the translator is the baby daddy. YEAH I SAID IT. <ducks for cover>
First of all, I donât care what anyone says: Angela and Michael are a gift from the reality TV gods and we donât deserve them. OK, now letâs wade knee deep in their sh*t pile. Angela is all smiles at the beginning of her segment. Sheâs thrilled to be back in the States, home of Marlboro Reds and torn capris. Michael Skypes in to update us on the alleged money scamming. As it turns out, it was probably a banking error after all, so Michaelâs ticket to meet Trump is not revoked yet.
Um, or maybe it is. Because although Angela has started the K1 visa process, sheâs not happy to hear about something Michael said to his friends behind her back, namely that sheâs his âelder.â And, um, apparently weâre supposed to believe Angela hasnât seen ANY footage of 90 Day Fiance this season â because we ALL saw that sh*t on TV eight weeks ago.
In any case, Angelaâs so pissed off, that she screams, âWhat the hell, Michael? Iâm your ELDER? You SAID that?â and stomps off stage, throwing her ring on the table and leaving Michael to crack up/cover his face over in Nigeria. âThis is very embarrassing!â screams Angela while producers unsuccessfully try to wrangle her back to the stage. Okay guys, I have only one question here: Is this really the first time Angela has registered embarrassment for her part in this show? Because if so, I AM SHOOKETH.
After smoking 400 cigs, Angelaâs ready for round two. Back on stage â and now without Michael (did he disappear himself?) â Angela explains how Michael claims he doesnât care about the age difference, but calls her his âelderâ behind her back. Oh snap â someone mustâve caught Michael before he ran out on to the street because his Skype connection comes back. He says heâs sorry and that the age difference doesnât bother him but eating snails straight from her mouth does. âAngela, please forgive me,â begs Michael, seeing his visa disintegrate before his eyes.
Michael hopes his words will quell Hurricane Angela, but no dice this time. She says sheâs not engaged to him now, and thatâs that. Well, until Angela is able to take her rage out on Rachel, that isâŠ
Back with plenty of whining about how âcruel and unfairâ the world is, Rachel plops her tired old jeans down on the couch next. Skype-head-Jon is really feeling himself, drinking from his âMan, Husband, Kingâ mug and hamming it up for the cameras. I imagine Jon thinks heâs the hot catch of this show, which is akin to feeling proud your status as JV math club president. Not to say itâs uncoolâŠitâs just all relative. And, my friends, being the hot guy on 90 Day Fiance is not really an Instagram handle that will get you those Bachelor level endorsement deals. Just sayin.
âItâs just not faaaaair!â whines Rachel about not being able to live with Jon. BECAUSE HEâS A VIOLENT CRIMINAL WHO LIKELY GOUGED SOMEONEâS EYE OUT. Besides his past, Rachel says they have no money to start the visa process. Jon says heâs been bummed out since Rachel left, even switching his sleep pattern to accommodate more time with Rachel online. âHeâs a rare breed, this one,â says Rachel when Jon professes his boundless love for Rachel and Lucy.
But what about his boundless love for fighting dudes in pubs? Jon claims he grew up fighting because of the area he grew up in, and because heâs a âreal man.â âOther men are just beta males and p*ssies,â sneers Jon, who has obviously been acing those anger management classes, yo. Thus, now seems like a good time to bring out a baby!
Jon coos at Lucy, Rachel smiles her deluded smile, and literally no one mentions the fact that Rachel has another child involved in this mess. SO I WILL. She exists, sheâs part of this effed up âfamilyâ too â whether she likes it or not â and Rachel is a world class idiot if she thinks that she can just send umbilical cords overseas and start a new life without a second thought. Also, PSA: Stay off karaoke apps, people. This is what happens.
Okay, kids, itâs time to listen to Ricky lie for 13 minutes straight. Lie #1: Ricky says he was ready to propose to a cardboard cutout Melissa until she rejected him, then truly fell in love with Ximena afterward. But Ximena isnât all about this fraudinâ anymore, telling the world outright that Ricky is essentially a lying piece of sh*t who was married all along and just stringing her along for no good reason. âHeâs an idiot,â she says, telling Shaun that she already threw his engagement ring out. Lol!
After Ricky returned to the States, Ximena obviously broke up with his sorry ass, but Ricky claims it was his daughter, Amber, who asked him to âslow things down.â But the truth is, Ricky just got back together with his ex-wife (who he hadnât divorced yet) after he returned as planned. After Ximena reads him for filth, Ricky just reiterates that he really did love Ximena, and meant it when he proposed. âI want to thank you, Ricky,â snarks Ximena, because he helped her avoid the worst decision of her life: becoming Mrs. Toe.
Girl, rejoice! You could have married THIS:
As for Ricky, there ainât a fanny pack big enough to contain the crapload of lies heâs stockpiling. Ricky â Go get some new platform shoes, throw some rose petals in the street, and propose to a f**king fire hydrant for all we care. BE GONE WITH YOU! And Ximena, honey, go sell that ring and buy you a gold plated Ricky dart board.
Still claiming their love connection is real, Tarik and Hazel reminisce on their happy times together. Pillow barriers, six hour church services, rapping on the beach, Hazel smiling for three seconds one time. It was a journey, people. But the bigger journey since then involves Tarikâs most recent trip to the Philippines, during which he and Hazel finally engaged in sexytimes. And OMG, Hazel actually thought she was pregnant at one point! She wasnât, but Tarik misunderstood and thought Hazel terminated the pregnancy. She didnât, and theyâve gotten their stories straight since. But the moral of the story isâŠreinstate the pillow barrier? I have no idea where this story is going.
Next, and because heâs thirsty as hell, Brother Dean Skypes in to stir the sh*t. Hazel says the lies Dean has been spinning about her (including being on a âBuy Me, Marry Meâ website) arenât true. Tarik thinks Dean was just bitter at the time because he was going through a divorce. Dean denies it, reminding Hazel that heâll have his brotherâs back no matter what.
The tougher issue actually involves Hazelâs son, who sheâll have to leave in the Philippines if she comes overseas. Tarik promises that theyâll visit him several times a year if it comes to that, and they ultimately hope to bring him over. In the mean time, theyâre working on the K1 visa. And Tarik is working on purchasing some sweet new sliced up t-shirts on eBay.
Because no 90 Day Tell All would be complete without a little mental abuse, we end with Darcey, Jesse, and Their Love. Someone has obviously forced Jesse to bury his face in a 40-pound bag of Cheetos, or (and this is my favorite theory), the TLC makeup team hate his trifling ass as much as we do. In any case, orange is the new jackass.
Darcey says sheâs âstrong enoughâ now to watch their toxic footage back, and that sheâs glad their relationship is over. When day-glo Jesse strolls out on stage, he immediately starts blaming Darcey for everything â even claiming he was initially catfished by Darceyâs fake social media pics. OMG! âThe lies about her alcohol problemsâ and the police report on the fight with Darceyâs sister (which sheâs still downplaying) are what ultimately ended it though, says Jesse. Also, lest we forget: Cutting steaks on DA BIAS and TROWING DA SHOWS AT DA HEAD were kinda dealbreakers.
But Darcey says it was Jesse who was abusive, even shoving her out the door over Shoe-Gate. At this accusation, Jesse marches off stage in his very short pants, then marches right on back because he hasnât gotten enough camera time yet. âWhatever, â says Darcey, âlesson learned.â Holy sh*t. Is this chick finally over the undead boyfriend from hell? Are we truly seeing the end of our 2-year nightmare?!?!? For Darceyâs daughtersâ sake â and for all of our sanity â letâs hope so.
Before weâre released from the evil spell of this season (which I happily would remain under forever), the whole gang is piled on to the couch for one last throwdown. And holy hell, what a throwdown it is! After each cast member justifies their decision to fall in love with an online photo, Angela pipes up to remind everyone that sheâs done with Michael. âHe made me look like an effinâ fool!â Karine is also not responding to Paulâs calls, but heâs more hopeful about their future.
Smugly side eyeing the rest of these crazies, Rachel imagines herself far above the fray, reminding everyone that her love with Jon is REAL. But Ricky and Tarik question why Rachel took her baby overseas to meet a man with such a violent criminal record? Rachel just dismisses their concerns, turning her attention on Darcey instead. She calls Jesseâs behavior âmental abuse,â which seems to set the rest of the cast off. They apparently all hate Jesse as much as that makeup team, the viewers, and the world.
And thatâs the serial killerâs cue. Heeeeeeeeeereâs Jesse! He marches out to defend himself, which goes nowhere. These people are not playing, yo! And Angela could flatten Jesse with one backhand to his tangerine face, so he needs to watch it. Rachel also needs to watch it because when she comes for Angela (after Angela defends Darcey), Angela LUNGES at Rachel with the power of a thousand Georgia-ass-faces. âDonât put your f**king finger in my face!â yells Rachel while Paul tries to hold Angela back via her enormous right bosom â I KID YOU NOT â and Tarik almost gets an elbow to the face.
âDonât put your f**king hands on me!â screams Angela before lunging at Rachel again. âB*tch,â she sneers, walking off set for good. âShe canât do that sh*t to me!â Afterward, the rest of the cast is left to answer idiotic questions while they suffer 1) a creepy hug between Jesse and Darcey, and 2) the PTSD of Angela almost murdering them on national TV.
In the end, weâre left with no real answers about whoâs going to make it, whoâs going to break up, and whoâs going to get Angela her next smoke. But ah, who really cares. WERE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED? I sure was.
Writerâs Note: Check out my podcast Pink Shade With Erin Martin for more Reality TV talk (Housewives, 90 Day Fiance, Exclusive Interviews & more!). Available on Acast, Stitcher, & iTunes! Visit pinkshadewitherinmartin.com for all links.
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Photo Credit: TLC