Sigh. It seems like only yesterday that these mild-to-highly disturbed folks came into our lives, but alas, ‘tis time to say goodbye! Before the six couples of 90 Day Fiance: Before The 90 Days float on down the rancid river of their bad decisions forever, we at least get one final rumble on a very tiny couch, complete with Angela popping off on Rachel while two grown men physically restrain her. And really, what more could we ask for?
Last night, Shaun Robinson hosted the 90 Day version of a TLC reunion, known as The Couples Tell All, in which the American fiances come together (plus Jesse, who would attend the opening of an envelope if it meant more screen time) to talk to their Skyped-in lovahs. At each Tell All, we are promised updates on the couples’ plans since we’ve seen them last. But what we actually get at these twisted shindigs is OH SO much more.
After footage rolls of everyone’s “journey,” Shaun begins our night of terror with Paul, who is elated to be back in the States and away from the scary poop water. Karine – who has a super cute new bob haircut – Skypes in to update us on how she’s fared since Paul left. Well, no one is screaming at her to “FALLA!” anymore, nor is she having to witness grown men sniff their underwear in her presences. Nevertheless, she misses him.
Paul’s mom, Mary, is Skyped in next to comment on the fiasco. After a cringeworthy, “Hola,” Mother Paul tells Karine that her son is a challenge
and an arsonist, and they’re going to face an uphill battle trying to make this marriage work. This ain’t great news because Paul needs his mom (or dad) to potentially sponsor Karine’s visa. Even less great? Father Paul has no plans to do any such thing. Also, just when we were feeling Paul was kind of turning into a normal humanoid, he busts out with, “I got both of your hair in my backpack!” upon seeing his mother and Karine on screen. CHILLS.
But Karine is happy no matter what because…PLOT TWIST! She’s pregnant again. Mother Paul obviously isn’t happy about this news, which she’s undoubtedly known for a while now, and basically shrugs when Shaun asks if she’s excited. Ouch. Also, Paul is gonna need Karine to do a DNA test to prove this baby is his. Karine, who’s been tested more than a goddamn lab rat at this point, doesn’t even seem to care at first. But suddenly, she summons the strength to tell Paul he’s basically a piece of sh*t who she doesn’t even want to be with anyway. “I hope my visa doesn’t get approved!” she says through tears while Paul just pitifully whines, “I’m sorry…I love you.” Um, WTF Paul!?!?
Side note: I am hoping David the translator is the baby daddy. YEAH I SAID IT. <ducks for cover>
First of all, I don’t care what anyone says: Angela and Michael are a gift from the reality TV gods and we don’t deserve them. OK, now let’s wade knee deep in their sh*t pile. Angela is all smiles at the beginning of her segment. She’s thrilled to be back in the States, home of Marlboro Reds and torn capris. Michael Skypes in to update us on the alleged money scamming. As it turns out, it was probably a banking error after all, so Michael’s ticket to meet Trump is not revoked
Um, or maybe it is. Because although Angela has started the K1 visa process, she’s not happy to hear about something Michael said to his friends behind her back, namely that she’s his “elder.” And, um, apparently we’re supposed to believe Angela hasn’t seen ANY footage of 90 Day Fiance this season – because we ALL saw that sh*t on TV eight weeks ago.
In any case, Angela’s so pissed off, that she screams, “What the hell, Michael? I’m your ELDER? You SAID that?” and stomps off stage, throwing her ring on the table and leaving Michael to crack up/cover his face over in Nigeria. “This is very embarrassing!” screams Angela while producers unsuccessfully try to wrangle her back to the stage. Okay guys, I have only one question here: Is this really the first time Angela has registered embarrassment for her part in this show? Because if so, I AM SHOOKETH.
After smoking 400 cigs, Angela’s ready for round two. Back on stage – and now without Michael (did he disappear himself?) – Angela explains how Michael claims he doesn’t care about the age difference, but calls her his “elder” behind her back. Oh snap – someone must’ve caught Michael before he ran out on to the street because his Skype connection comes back. He says he’s sorry and that the age difference doesn’t bother him
but eating snails straight from her mouth does. “Angela, please forgive me,” begs Michael, seeing his visa disintegrate before his eyes.
Michael hopes his words will quell Hurricane Angela, but no dice this time. She says she’s not engaged to him now, and that’s that. Well, until Angela is able to take her rage out on Rachel, that is…
Back with plenty of whining about how “cruel and unfair” the world is, Rachel plops her tired old jeans down on the couch next. Skype-head-Jon is really feeling himself, drinking from his “Man, Husband, King” mug and hamming it up for the cameras. I imagine Jon thinks he’s the hot catch of this show, which is akin to feeling proud your status as JV math club president. Not to say it’s uncool…it’s just all relative. And, my friends, being the hot guy on 90 Day Fiance is not really an Instagram handle that will get you those Bachelor level endorsement deals. Just sayin.
“It’s just not faaaaair!” whines Rachel about not being able to live with Jon. BECAUSE HE’S A VIOLENT CRIMINAL WHO LIKELY GOUGED SOMEONE’S EYE OUT. Besides his past, Rachel says they have no money to start the visa process. Jon says he’s been bummed out since Rachel left, even switching his sleep pattern to accommodate more time with Rachel online. “He’s a rare breed, this one,” says Rachel when Jon professes his boundless love for Rachel and Lucy.
But what about his boundless love for fighting dudes in pubs? Jon claims he grew up fighting because of the area he grew up in, and because he’s a “real man.” “Other men are just beta males and p*ssies,” sneers Jon, who has obviously been acing those anger management classes, yo. Thus, now seems like a good time to bring out a baby!
Jon coos at Lucy, Rachel smiles her deluded smile, and literally no one mentions the fact that Rachel has another child involved in this mess. SO I WILL. She exists, she’s part of this effed up “family” too – whether she likes it or not – and Rachel is a world class idiot if she thinks that she can just send umbilical cords overseas and start a new life without a second thought. Also, PSA: Stay off karaoke apps, people. This is what happens.
Okay, kids, it’s time to listen to Ricky lie for 13 minutes straight. Lie #1: Ricky says he was ready to propose to
a cardboard cutout Melissa until she rejected him, then truly fell in love with Ximena afterward. But Ximena isn’t all about this fraudin’ anymore, telling the world outright that Ricky is essentially a lying piece of sh*t who was married all along and just stringing her along for no good reason. “He’s an idiot,” she says, telling Shaun that she already threw his engagement ring out. Lol!
After Ricky returned to the States, Ximena obviously broke up with his sorry ass, but Ricky claims it was his daughter, Amber, who asked him to “slow things down.” But the truth is, Ricky just got back together with his ex-wife (who he hadn’t divorced yet) after he returned
as planned. After Ximena reads him for filth, Ricky just reiterates that he really did love Ximena, and meant it when he proposed. “I want to thank you, Ricky,” snarks Ximena, because he helped her avoid the worst decision of her life: becoming Mrs. Toe.
Girl, rejoice! You could have married THIS:
As for Ricky, there ain’t a fanny pack big enough to contain the crapload of lies he’s stockpiling. Ricky – Go get some new platform shoes, throw some rose petals in the street, and propose to a f**king fire hydrant for all we care. BE GONE WITH YOU! And Ximena, honey, go sell that ring and buy you a gold plated Ricky dart board.
Still claiming their love connection is real, Tarik and Hazel reminisce on their happy times together. Pillow barriers, six hour church services, rapping on the beach, Hazel smiling for three seconds one time. It was a journey, people. But the bigger journey since then involves Tarik’s most recent trip to the Philippines, during which he and Hazel finally engaged in sexytimes. And OMG, Hazel actually thought she was pregnant at one point! She wasn’t, but Tarik misunderstood and thought Hazel terminated the pregnancy. She didn’t, and they’ve gotten their stories straight since. But the moral of the story is…reinstate the pillow barrier? I have no idea where this story is going.
Next, and because he’s thirsty as hell, Brother Dean Skypes in to stir the sh*t. Hazel says the lies Dean has been spinning about her (including being on a “Buy Me, Marry Me” website) aren’t true. Tarik thinks Dean was just bitter at the time because he was going through a divorce. Dean denies it, reminding Hazel that he’ll have his brother’s back no matter what.
The tougher issue actually involves Hazel’s son, who she’ll have to leave in the Philippines if she comes overseas. Tarik promises that they’ll visit him several times a year if it comes to that, and they ultimately hope to bring him over. In the mean time, they’re working on the K1 visa. And Tarik is working on purchasing some sweet new sliced up t-shirts on eBay.
Because no 90 Day Tell All would be complete without a little mental abuse, we end with Darcey, Jesse, and Their Love. Someone has obviously forced Jesse to bury his face in a 40-pound bag of Cheetos, or (and this is my favorite theory), the TLC makeup team hate his trifling ass as much as we do. In any case, orange is the new jackass.
Darcey says she’s “strong enough” now to watch their toxic footage back, and that she’s glad their relationship is over. When day-glo Jesse strolls out on stage, he immediately starts blaming Darcey for everything – even claiming he was initially catfished by Darcey’s fake social media pics. OMG! “The lies about her alcohol problems” and the police report on the fight with Darcey’s sister (which she’s still downplaying) are what ultimately ended it though, says Jesse. Also, lest we forget: Cutting steaks on DA BIAS and TROWING DA SHOWS AT DA HEAD were kinda dealbreakers.
But Darcey says it was Jesse who was abusive, even shoving her out the door over Shoe-Gate. At this accusation, Jesse marches off stage in his very short pants, then marches right on back
because he hasn’t gotten enough camera time yet. “Whatever, ” says Darcey, “lesson learned.” Holy sh*t. Is this chick finally over the undead boyfriend from hell? Are we truly seeing the end of our 2-year nightmare?!?!? For Darcey’s daughters’ sake – and for all of our sanity – let’s hope so.
Before we’re released from the evil spell of this season (which I happily would remain under forever), the whole gang is piled on to the couch for one last throwdown. And holy hell, what a throwdown it is! After each cast member justifies their decision to fall in love with an online photo, Angela pipes up to remind everyone that she’s done with Michael. “He made me look like an effin’ fool!” Karine is also not responding to Paul’s calls, but he’s more hopeful about their future.
Smugly side eyeing the rest of these crazies, Rachel imagines herself far above the fray, reminding everyone that her love with Jon is REAL. But Ricky and Tarik question why Rachel took her baby overseas to meet a man with such a violent criminal record? Rachel just dismisses their concerns, turning her attention on Darcey instead. She calls Jesse’s behavior “mental abuse,” which seems to set the rest of the cast off. They apparently all hate Jesse as much as that makeup team, the viewers, and the world.
And that’s the serial killer’s cue. Heeeeeeeeeere’s Jesse! He marches out to defend himself, which goes nowhere. These people are not playing, yo! And Angela could flatten Jesse with one backhand to his tangerine face, so he needs to watch it. Rachel also needs to watch it because when she comes for Angela (after Angela defends Darcey), Angela LUNGES at Rachel with the power of a thousand Georgia-ass-faces. “Don’t put your f**king finger in my face!” yells Rachel while Paul tries to hold Angela back via her enormous right bosom – I KID YOU NOT – and Tarik almost gets an elbow to the face.
“Don’t put your f**king hands on me!” screams Angela before lunging at Rachel again. “B*tch,” she sneers, walking off set for good. “She can’t do that sh*t to me!” Afterward, the rest of the cast is left to answer idiotic questions while they suffer 1) a creepy hug between Jesse and Darcey, and 2) the PTSD of Angela almost murdering them on national TV.
In the end, we’re left with no real answers about who’s going to make it, who’s going to break up, and who’s going to get Angela her next smoke. But ah, who really cares. WERE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED? I sure was.
Writer’s Note: Check out my podcast Pink Shade With Erin Martin for more Reality TV talk (Housewives, 90 Day Fiance, Exclusive Interviews & more!). Available on Acast, Stitcher, & iTunes! Visit pinkshadewitherinmartin.com for all links.
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Photo Credit: TLC