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Love After Lockup Recap: Secrets And Cellmates

Pro tip: There is no better way to feel absolutely proud of all of your life choices – even those four batches of holiday cookies you ate last week – than to watch this season of Love After Lockup. Seriously, there’s just something wholesome and satisfying about watching some sad sacks roll up in their fresh-outta-prison duds, ready to make all new terrible decisions with a life partner on the outside who is even more unhinged than them. Yes, I am going to hell. (Wanna share a handbasket?)

Speaking of sad sacks on Love After Lockup, let’s check in with Scott and Lizzie! They’re still at the Hampton 8 chilling in separate rooms, but Lizzie thinks it’s time for a makeover. Not for her – nope! She’s perfect in her own mind. Lizzie wants to pull a Queer Eye for the Toothless Guy on Scott. And she feels very qualified for the job since she was in cosmetology school in prison – even though she got kicked out for heroin. As one does.

Scott & Lizzie

Love After Lockup Recap: Secrets And Cellmates

After she chops off his ponytail, shaves his beard and hoses him down, Lizzie rewards Scott by licking his face like he’s the peanut butter and she’s the dog. WE CAN NEVER UNSEE THIS. At least Scott is pleased with his new look, which is an improvement. Even if it looks like a Back Street Boy did meth for 35 years, then got punched in the face a few times.

Love After Lockup Recap: Secrets And Cellmates

Scott’s son, Adam, likes his dad’s new look, but still thinks he’s an idiot…as do we all. And even though Lizzie’s daughter, Jazmyn, is also still not on board with Scott, Lizzie just applies her makeup for her date and gushes that “everything will be fine!” Yeah, as long as Scott’s credit card still works. (This is called foreshadowing…)

Love After Lockup Recap: Secrets And Cellmates

Brittany & Marcelino

Since taking her food away, Marcelino has apparently decided to allow his prisoner Brittany to try eating in a restaurant again. Marcelino allegedly apologized to Brittany for his vile behavior at dinner their first night together, but Brittany is still taking this relationship slowly.

This time, Brittany is bringing backup. Her old bunkmate, Sascha, is joining them for brunch, and Brittany has a confession to make about their special “friendship.” Marcelino is suspicious of Sascha as soon as she sits down, grilling her about why she’s so close to HIS fiance who HE is marrying and HE owns now.

Love After Lockup Recap: Secrets And Cellmates

Sascha and Brittany feel like sisters. They have supported one another like family ever since they met in prison. When Marcelino says that no one can replace family, Brittany fights back. She reminds him that her biological family never took care of her, and it’s truly her friends who have stepped in to fill the void. Marcelino just stares daggers at both of the women, freaking Sascha out and causing her to wonder if this brunch might be her last meal. #ThisDudeIsAMurderer

As it turns out, Sascha and Brittany were never romantically involved, but Brittany was with another woman – Amanda – in lockup. She loved her, but doesn’t see a future with her…yet. Amanda is out of prison now, though, and after the truly psychotic way Marcelino’s been acting, she’s about to run to Amanda’s house and lock herself inside. RUN, GIRL! RUNNNNNN!

Love After Lockup Recap: Secrets And Cellmates

Tracie & Clint

Since getting her fancy $1,000 makeover, Tracie is riding high. And Clint – Tracie’s equal in both sexual frustration and orange teeth – is practically peeing his briefs with giddiness. He can’t wait to rip that dress off of Tracie and make her his “woman.” Tracie guffaws, assuring Clint that he’ll be “getting ALL of this every night” if he plays his cards right. Obviously, Tracie doesn’t know that the only cards Clint is allowed to play are the picto-graphic kind from Candy Land.

Also, below is what Clint’s face looks like the entire time he’s talking about sexytimes with Tracie. Not disturbing at all.

Love After Lockup Recap: Secrets And Cellmates

At dinner, the happy couple talks about cars and babies, which go together like…Clint and his impending panic attack? He can barely function (which is only mildly discernible from standard “Clint functioning”), pulling himself together back by the restaurant toilet as he gets up the nerve to propose.

When he returns, Clint strings some words together about happiness and fate and “learning her to drive stick shift” before finally popping the question. Tracie is elated, saying yes right away, and gushing over the bling that Clint presents her with. As the restaurant claps for them, one patron asks how long they’ve known each other. “We just met today!” chirps Tracie with her entire bra hanging out the back of her dress.

RELATED: Love After Lockup Episode Recap: Washing Off Prison

Back at the hotel, Tracie rolls around on the kitchen counter, then throws Clint on to the bed with the force of a thousand prison guards. She is ready to show this dude a good time.  Clearly, her favors could not be bestowed on a more grateful subject. “She’s the most beautifulest woman I ever seen,” sighs Clint, whose pasty white chest is then paraded before us in a series of pre-coital images that the camera crew need special lenses for.

Finally, as if we haven’t suffered enough, we are treated to the sounds of two simpletons humping. (Whether any of us can scrub the sights and sounds of this episode from our minds remains a mystery – but be strong! There’s more!)

Sigh. You know – these two are such goofy weirdos, I sort of love them. What is happening to me? I guess I’m officially rooting for the Tracie-Clint trainwreck to keep rolling right on down the hill and straight off the tracks – but in the best possible way. Like, no one should actually get hurt, okay? #TeamGingivitis

Love After Lockup Recap: Secrets And Cellmates

Caitlin & Matt

As they talk about sperms in bellies <dry heave> and how much they’re not looking forward to boning in mom’s house, Matt and Caitlin drive away from their cabin in the woods. The horror, however, has just begun. Caitlin’s weed ring has rotted off by now, but she’s still excited to set up a home. In Matt’s childhood bedroom.

Matt has barely spent a full five minutes of his adult life out from behind bars, and he pretty much thinks he’s bound for prison again. His mom does too, even though she’s hopeful for change. She hugs her son hard when she sees him, confessing how scared she is about where things will go from here.

Love After Lockup Recap: Secrets And Cellmates

Matt takes us on a walk down memory lane: Here’s where I climbed out the window to buy drugs! Here’s where I hid my stash! Caitlin is taken aback when Matt says “no one can stop me if I want to run,” but his mom is sadly used to this cycle.”I’m already stressed out and I’ve been here for ten minutes,” whines Matt when Caitlin tells him that he’ll need rules and regulations to stay on the right path. Caitlin, girrrrrrl. You can’t save this child. Homeboy can’t even save his own tooth!

Love After Lockup Recap: Secrets And Cellmates

Megan & Michael & Sarah

Over at Megan’s house, it’s business as usual. She’s waiting on Michael’s call like any good fiance should, except she still has no clue that her husband-to-be is already married.

Meanwhile, Sarah and Michael travel to see his mom, Carolyn, and friends in Michigan before they head back to New York. None the wiser about Michael’s WHOLE OTHER FIANCE, Sarah is giddy that her man is finally free. But Michael confesses to producers that Sarah doesn’t “complete” him. So, I’m guessing Michael’s been watching some bootleg Jerry Maguire in the clink or some sh*t? He’s got dreams, yo.

Love After Lockup Recap: Secrets And Cellmates

Not even out of prison for an hour, Michael is already managing his double life…WITH THE HELP OF HIS MOM. Again, we must ask the age old question: What. The. Actual. F**k?!? As Michael FaceTime’s Megan on the sly, his mom – who just hugged Sarah a big, friendly hello – gets on the phone to give Megan a shout out too. She’s all, “Well, Michael’s a ladies man, but I’m not gonna bust him out!” Holy balls, you guys. This is insane.

At least Megan sort of side-eyes Michael when he tells her that his “baby mama” is driving him to New York for parole. Of course, she still has no idea that Michael is legit married to Sarah. But she doesn’t trust the situation. Thus, we’re led to believe that Megan the Virgin might actually have one, lone, very confused marble still rolling around in her head.

RELATED: Love After Lockup Recap: I Want This To Be Real

Love After Lockup Recap: Secrets And Cellmates

“Even though I’m free from prison, I’m not free,” whines Michael, who just wishes he could ditch THE MOTHER OF HIS CHILD AND CURRENT WIFE for his side chick. In equally delusional news, Michael also fancies himself a rapper, which is *allegedly* why he wants to take off with his friends in the car and leave Sarah in the dust. He figures his mom, AKA his wingman, will entertain First Wife while he just splits the scene.

RELATED: Love After Lockup Recap: The Virgin & The Trick

Love After Lockup Recap: Secrets And Cellmates

As she stands in front of Michael’s mom’s house in tears, Sarah screams at her husband for being a selfish a$$hole. She can’t believe she just waited for a guy for three long years while raising their child alone, and now he’s about to ditch her only one hour out of prison! Oh boy. Just wait until she gets ditched for a virgin who takes sex classes on Skype. Yikes.

RELATED: Love After Lockup: The $12,000 Lie

Writer’s Note: Check out my podcast Pink Shade With Erin Martin for more Reality TV talk (Housewives, 90 Day Fiance, Exclusive Interviews & more!). Available on AcastStitcher, & iTunes! Visit pinkshadewitherinmartin.com for all links.

TELL US- HOW LONG BEFORE MICHAEL TELLS SARAH AND MEGAN THE TRUTH? ARE CLINT AND TRACIE MEANT FOR ONE ANOTHER? IS MATT READY FOR REAL RESPONSIBILITY? SHOULD BRITTANY GET THE HELL AWAY FROM MARCELINO BEFORE SHE’S THROWN IN A PIT? THOUGHTS ON SCOTT’S NEW LOOK? WILL ANY OF THESE LOVE AFTER LOCKUP RELATIONSHIPS LAST? WHICH LOVE AFTER LOCKUP COUPLE IS YOUR FAVORITE?

[Photo Credit: WEtv ]

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