Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club Recap: What Are Your Intentions

We begin tonight’s episode of Lindsay Lohan’s Beach club with Lindsay Lohan sitting down with business partner, friend, creative director, and all-around boss bitch Panos Spentzos, and the new hires to have a little meeting.

She decides to hand out paper and pens. Then, she asks everyone to write down their intentions.

“What are your goals if you want to work with Lohan? What do you want out of life?” she asks the group. <sigh> This seems a little too cutesy for me. Can you picture Lisa Vanderpump asking the workers at SUR to write their thoughts and feelings down?

Then, they proceed to go around the table and share. I swear there is going to be a team building exercise later on. Maybe Gabi Andrews can fall backward and see if anyone would catch her.

Panos then reads Lindsay’s where her note says she would call Oprah Winfrey for advice. Ok, that’s a pretty nice card to have in your sleeve.

After the pep talk, the VIP hosts are pumped and ready to show they are here to work for the Lohan brand! Go team!

Panos tells them what their task is for that day. Mr. Lakis Gavalas, a designer, is the VIP client for the day.  And this guy doesn’t look like he’ll be a demanding client at all. <side eye> Aristotle Polites is the lucky one who gets to be the cabana leader with Brent Marks as the backup. Of course, Brent is not too happy about playing second fiddle to someone else.

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“You need to have me at the door,” Brent interrupts, “cause I’ll sell your whole venue in two hours” Oh no sir! We cannot have two boss bitches at this beach house.

Panos is quick to put the “waitress slayer” in his place. “Stop talking over me” Panos snipes, “You are not the boss”

It will be interesting to see how Brent handles a customer who he may not want to suck faces with. Spoiler alert, it doesn’t go well.

Mr. Gavalas is quick to issue orders. He wants some hot towels for his two dogs.  Sex, I am not even joking, the one dog’s name is Sex, and Luca. Then, he tells  Aristotle not to speak to the dogs because they do not understand.


After a few weird acrobatic moves between Aristotle and his client, Brent returns with the water to wash Mr.Gavalas’ feet, but he refuses to do so because, “Like, I have more respect for myself and what I’m willing to do for a dollar” Brent states in his interview.  Right.

Thankfully, a producer is quick to point out his hypocrisy by reminding him he was making out with Natasha the day before.

“She was spending money,” he retorts. Then he adds “I also could have gotten laid” Oh this guy is classy.

Because it’s not a sexy woman wanting the attention, Brent storms off, which Lindsay is not thrilled about. This does not look good for the Lohan brand…Lohan brand…sorry, I’ve heard it so many times it’s getting stuck in my head.

Moving on, Sara Tariq says she likes the way Brent treats her, but doesn’t like the way he treats everyone else. Red flag number one, girl. Don’t go there. Run away right now.

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Aristotle pulls Panos aside to tell him he feels Brent has been disrespectful. Then Aristotle then goes to Lindsay and complains to her about Brent as well. And she is all about that “everyone needs to treat everyone else with respect” mantra.

Apparently, Lohan Beach House is also a family-friendly place see exhibit A where Lindsay holds a cute baby. <side eye> Sure, that’s the message I got from all the making out with customers and the girls in thongs dancing around.

The day draws to an end. What did everyone else do during that day? I’m not really sure.

Billy Estevez who has largely remained quiet, is now soaking in the hot tub with Sara trying to shoot his shot without Brent around.

Billy seems like a nice guy. So I can guarantee Sara won’t want anything to do with him, and will instead go for Brent who really seems like the type to treat women with respect. <cough>

The alcohol comes out and someone decides that a drinking game of truth or dare would be a great idea. Brent is snuggling next to Sara while Billy looks on enviously. Meanwhile, Mike Mulderrig dares Aristotle to shotgun a beer or run naked laps. Instead, Mr. Social Anxiety, aka full throttle ‘Stotle, decides to combine his two dares and streaks naked around the backyard then shotguns a beer.

Then, it’s Brent’s turn to ask Sara, who picks truth, which of the girls in the house she likes the least. And the answer is May Yassine Reliving the events from the day before causes May to tear up which prompts Brent to jump in and scold her for crying.

“There’s no crying in this industry” he snaps, “It’s shark eat shark”

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When it’s Brent’s turn, Billy dares him to go all day without calling someone out.  Since Brent is incapable of not being a jerk he decides to chug a beer instead.

Billy decides to try again with Sara. He sits her down to find out what is going on with them. He tells her he will not compete with another guy for her. This feels like a little much to me especially when you just met someone.  You guys have only known each other for five days. Give the girl some room to breathe.

Sara runs to Jules Wilson and Jonitta Wallace and tells them what happened. Soon enough, Brent asks Jules if she talked with Sara. The two walk away from the group and she tells him that Billy had a conversation with Sara.

Brent feels as though he has been thrown under the bus by Billy and demands to speak with him.

Billy tells him that Sara was the one who said she found Billy the only attractive one in the house.  Since Brent has the emotional maturity of a five-year-old he cuts Billy off. “Take her,” he says. “I don’t need to compete for anybody”

“We are in a house of all ugly girls,” Brent continues while Sara and Jules eavesdrop off to the side. Oh boy. This cannot end well.

And just like every insecure person, he feels the need to put down someone else, which he does by using the movie Hall Pass as a reference. Dude, you’re already looking like a douche, and this reference is not helping. He goes on to say that Sara is only attractive because she is surrounded by even uglier people.

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Jules walks up with a drink, possible foreshadowing, and Brent is quick to remind her that he is not into blondes. I bet Jules is heartbroken over that. He proceeds to bash Sara’s weight and looks.  


Sara returns with Jonitta and while she proceeds to pour a bottle of alcohol over his head, Jonitta throws her drink, and cup, in his face. Insult meet injury.

Does anyone like Brent at this point? Gabi is just happy it’s not her everyone is hating on. Nothing brings a group of girls together better than a guy who’s a jerk. Girl power!

While her VIP hosts are imploding and bonding in their villa, we find Lindsay cooking with some friends at 11:30 at night. Am I so old that the first thing I thought of was how late that seems for dinner?

Lindsay worries the stress, and fighting, going on with her VIP hosts is going to negatively affect everything in her business. Because Americans do not understand the energy of Mykonos. Do we need to remind her that she is American?

Back at the Villa, we find Brent passed out on the floor and then ultimately throwing up on the side of the road. Hopefully, it’s the evil trying to escape.

The next morning  Panos shows up in an amazing floral ensemble.  He immediately calls out Brent for his behavior the previous day. Then, Brent tells him that he’d rather work with him, not for him.

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“We’re not partners. That’s the thing,” Panos tells Brent yet again. For some reason, Brent can’t seem to understand the concept of being an employee. Did Panos or Lindsay send you a contract to be their partner? No? Then be quiet.

Brent doesn’t like that Panos calls people out in front of others…right. Kettle meet pot.

“If you come at me. I’m going to come right back at you” Brent says in his interview. I almost feel the word ‘bro’ needs to be added to the end of that sentence.

And because someone else threatened Brent’s manhood he has to complain to the others about Panos.

“I think I can make the club more money than Panos can,” Brent arrogantly states. Oh No. He. Didn’t.

Brent then thinks it’s a good idea to sit down with Panos and lecture him on how to be a good boss. Everyone knows bosses LOVE that. Brent is two seconds away from being bitch slapped back to Vegas.


Panos FaceTimes with Lindsay about Brent’s effect on the Lohan brand. And nothing can make the Lohan brand look bad. Psst. Don’t tell her that her brand already has a negative connotation associated with it.

We leave off with Panos and Lindsay Lohan wondering if it’s time to cut Brent loose, or keep him around to bring in the money for the Lohan brand.  Or should they get someone else who makes the Lohan brand look good?  Lohan brand…Lohan brand…Lohan brand…Lohan. Brand.


[Photo Credit: MTV]