SUMMER HOUSE -- Season:7 -- Pictured: (l-r) Paige DeSorbo, Ciara Miller, Carl Radke, Lindsay Hubbard, Amanda Batula, Kyle Cooke, Danielle Olivera, Gabby Prescod, Chris Leoni, Mya Allen, Samantha Feher -- (Photo by: Sasha IsraelBravo)

Summer House Season 7 Finale Recap: The Final Nail in the Coffin

We’ve officially reached the end of the longest summer ever, Good Vibe Tribe. Or is it Bad Vibe Tribe at this point? Honestly, who knows what the vibes are anymore. Kyle Cooke started calling the Summer House gang by the moniker back in Season 2. You know, when he, Amanda Batula, Lindsay Hubbard, Carl Radke, and Danielle Olivera were mostly friends and the remaining housemates didn’t exist in the Bravoverse yet. My, how times change.

Plenty of fans have complained this season that there isn’t much going on in the Hamptons other than the slowly dying friendship between Lindsay and Danielle. But if you ask me, the finale did a fairly decent job of pretending otherwise! Surprise, surprise: Carl and Lindsay make their grand return after skipping out (probably strongly encouraged by producers) just in time for the jungle-themed end-of-summer rager! Let the drama ensue.

So, in no particular order, let’s revisit the major moments of the last episode of Season 7, shall we?

Don’t be scared, Craig

In the middle of the party, Craig Conover pulls Paige DeSorbo aside for yet another chat about the future of their relationship. Ever since Paige revealed she didn’t want him to put a ring on it any time soon, poor Craigy has been feeling all the insecurities. She’s fine with how things are now; he wants to see some sort of progress toward engagement, marriage, and settling down.

Eventually, the two agree on a compromise: kind of sort of moving in together. If she has to be in New York (like for filming Summer House), he’ll be there. Likewise, if his presence is required down in Charleston (like for filming Southern Charm), she’ll be there too. I’m really rooting for these two. But I worry that the crux of their issue is that, in order to be together, one of them will have to give up the Bravo show that made them famous…

With your smug face…

After avoiding each other as much as possible during the party, Danielle and Lindsay finally come face to face in the kitchen for what turns out to be one final death blow to their friendship. It all starts civilly, with Danielle insisting she’s been waiting to celebrate Lindsay’s happiness for years. But Lindsay is not to be moved. We’re talking ice-cold non-activation.

She blames Danielle for everything that’s gone wrong in their friendship, and point-blank tells her former bestie as much. Danielle tries taking a big-picture view. Instead, she argues she shouldn’t have been shut out over one bad summer after literal years of support and friendship. However, when Lindsay’s made up her mind, there’s no changing it. Their friendship’s been over, sweetie, and she’s all too happy to smugly inform Danielle there’s no going back. She’s not invited to the wedding. This is the end.

Danielle walks away from the fight and straight into the arms of…all the other girls in the house. She’s devastated. Sobbing. On the floor. Meanwhile, Lindsay plasters on a smile and acts like coldly dismissing her best friend of more than half a decade means as much as taking out the garbage. I don’t understand why Carl refuses to intervene if they really were the Three Amigos, but here we are.

The end of Mya and Oliver

Playing out underneath all of this other drama is the implosion of Mya Allen’s relationship with Oliver Gray. The thing is, though, that Mya really doesn’t want to talk about it on camera. Like, really really. Whenever her friends bring up the weird vibes, she reminds them cameras are watching and shuts down the conversation. She berates Oliver for flirting with girls at the party but then asks him if he’s mic’d and stops herself from fully unleashing her wrath.

Eventually, Mya has a tense closed-door confrontation with her (now-ex) boyfriend in the bathroom. And even though she insists he covers his mic, production thankfully captures bits and pieces of the fall-out. She tearfully asks how he could cheat on her, and he stammers through the typical guilty, self-deprecating responses. But despite Oliver insisting he showed up to the party to paint a happy picture (probably for the cameras), Mya thinks he shouldn’t have come to the finale shoot at all. Eventually, she kicks him out of the bathroom and he makes an awkward, silent exit from the house without so much as a goodbye.

While my heart goes out to Mya, I have to point out that none of this bodes well for her for next season. If she wanted to be a part of a reality show, she needed to bring her actual reality to the table. And considering that A. she hasn’t contributed much to the season since her early argument with Lindsay over Carl and B. she’s in the last seat at a very crowded reunion, I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s not invited back to the house next season.

Wrapped up with a bow…

A few other happenings deserve mention before we move on to the reunion. For one thing, Samantha Feher and Kory Keefer end the season in horny bliss. Was I the only one who couldn’t stomach him baby-birding spirits into her mouth? (Also, in other perhaps unsurprising news, Kory might be a massive transphobe according to his likes on Instagram?)

As for the other newbies, Gabby Prescod wore a pixie wig and even invited her blind date to the party. So that’s apparently progress. Chris Leoni, on the other hand, contributed basically nothing in the finale. Oh and Ciara Miller wore an insanely impressive Avatar costume but kept losing an ear. And that’s all, folks! Summer 2022 is over!