Batten down the hatches because after a few weeks of in hiding Krazy Kristen Doute has returned in full splendor on Vanderpump Rules. Solvang? Or So Insane? Kristen wasn’t the only one Solvagning problems though – Jax Taylor and James Kennedy both went to therapy, but not together. Although they probably should.
It’s the day after the inaugural TomTom party and Lisa Vanderpump hasn’t had a hangover since 1985, aka before Tom 1 and Tom 2 were born… Oh, wait: everyone on this show is pushing 40, which makes them older than me. And they’ve definitely given LVP enough headaches to quantify as a hangover.
The Toms are overjoyed with their first event. They were ready to spread the doors wide to the public at large. Tom 2 wants a gold star on his chore chart.
Lisa reminds them that there’s no gas (or ice). James was spinning records in the utility closet sitting on 2 Costco mega-packs of Charmin Double Ply.
Tonight on Vanderpump RulesLala Kent rewards the girls for no longer calling her a whore by taking them on a private jet to Solvang Wine Country.
Of course, since this is Vanderpump Rules, aka NeverNeverLand for drunken delusionoids, Kristen Doute acts up and embarrasses everyone. Of course hinging your life’s worth on a private jet is embarrassing enough so I can’t imagine how bad Kristen must be!
Last night the Real Housewives Of Atlanta ended their trip to Tokyo with some tears, but plenty of laughs. I never thought we’d see a Real Housewives trip end without a major blowout fight. However, it turns out pickles make people laugh, they make people love, and they make people forget all their rude thoughts! More pickles for the reunion, Andy Cohen!
Over in Japan Dennis McKinley is missing Porsha Williams so much he sends her a bouquet of flowers that looks like the vegetation in a Super Mario Brothers game from the 90’s.
This so-called arrangement was a hot mess that was bursting out of its box – just like Porsha’s boobs were bursting out of her top. Some mad science definitely was being used to keep those things taped. She was one sneeze away from an explosion. NASA has better things to do, y’all!
On tonight’s Real Housewives Of Atlanta, the women are still in Tokyo but they are finally coming together to throw Eva Marcille the type of raunchy bachelorette party every real Housewife deserves – complete with inappropriate use of pickles, samurai strippers, and plenty of unwanted advice!
First the ladies take a samurai lesson which has them using head-to-head combat (and wooden swords) instead of words to over differences of opinions, but the exercise proves to soften a long-standing rivalry. Bravo isn’t sharing who’s who, but I’m guessing that Porsha Williams and Kandi Burruss finally stop hating each other.
Last night we officially sent the cast of Below Deck on their final charter and we waved farewell with Tahitian flower crowns in our hair. Don’t I wish! Actually far from sunsets, the entire affair took place in the dark, sordid Watch What Happens Live clubhouse, with the disco’d up cast perched on uncomfortable stools which are clearly the castoffs from one of Lisa Vanderpump‘s collaborations with Nick Alain gone wrong!
First off Andy Cohen clears the suspense by stating that Caroline Bedol and Chandler Brooks won’t be joining them. That statement made it pretty much apparent that the reunion would be boring as everyone else was BFF by the time the season ended. Several of them are still close friends today!
Seriously, though, I had forgotten Caroline and Chandler were even on the show this season was so busy. Other than Rhylee Gerber they were the sole sources of drama in the first half of the season.
On last night’s Vanderpump Rules TomTom finally opened its doors in the frantic, frenzied, disastrous way you’d expect from Tom 1 and Tom 2.
Welcome to Mr. Tom’s Wild Ride – first stop the deluxe modern apartment of one DJ James Kennedy, who will have his reintroduction into SURciety by being the inaugural DJ at TomTom. Trust me – it sounds like a much bigger honor than it actually is. With havoc on the homefront and no ice at the bar, Lisa Vanderpump quickly realizes she needs the Toms temporarily distracted. So, she dispatches 5% personal assistants to wrangle menial tasks. Tom 2, as always, drew the short straw and is forced to go discuss the music with James.
As he waits for Tom’s arrival James works on his apology letter to Mandall, the entree nous he needs to get back into Lala Kent‘s homie status. Raquel LeViss is not impressed with James’ labors of Lala-dom.
On tonight’s Vanderpump Rules the teartini is replacing the pumpini, because oh-oooooh: Everybody’s crying!
Jax Taylor is celebrating the last birthday of his 30’s but he’s still fighting with his mom about the way his dad’s cancer was handled. She doesn’t even call him on his special day. As Jax struggles through his first birthday without his parents a flood of emotions come pouring out.
Last night was the season finale of Below Deck and while Krystal may have been the worst charter guest like ever, I agree with Kate Chastain. This has been the best crew and the best Below Deck season. So yay for keeping the equilibrium even at sea. Cause sharing the sea with slugs is what it’s all about, right?!
So obviously the first and worst sea slug to deal with is Krystal herself. She is passed out on deck, wrapped in a blanket, aka a shame cocoon. Except I don’t actually think Krystal has any shame about abusing her friends or the people serving her. After threatening Kate and Josiah Carter several times, Krystal suddenly remembers she has these things called legs, which are attached to there hip bones, so she stomps downstairs to her cabin, slamming the door. Kate, who is practically levitating with rage, immediately goes to bed. Poor Josiah is stuck staying up all night cleaning up after these ungrateful wenches.