We have finally docked on this toxic season of Below Deck, and they could fill an ocean with champagne and it still wouldn’t be enough to celebrate coming to the end of this mess.
There’s really not much left to say about the stupidity, except that the guys have learned nothing. As Courtney Skippon so eloquently explained (how on earth did casting miss that she was smart and go on to hire her?) about misogyny it’s not simply hating women, it’s putting women down for behaving in ways you think are reserved for men. This manifested in Brian de Saint Pern deciding Courtney had no right to share her opinions and should stay out of ‘mens bidnezz.’ Or Ashton Pienaar deciding he could shove his tongue down Kate Chastain‘s throat, because all she’s worth is an item to satisfy him, not his equal rank in running an entity of a super yacht.
Last night Nene Leakes finally reappeared on Real Housewives Of Atlanta. She probably should’ve stayed camouflaged in season’s past, because I personally have had enough of her martyr act. The same goes for Kenya Moore! You two are only victims of your own arrogance, ladies! And in the middle of it all was Cynthia Bailey, playing the role of the ever-forgiving, ever-loving, ever-obliging friend.
After going way overboard in her supposed clawback to Tanya Sam when Kenya arrived to lunch and called her the c-word, then brought a burnt Cookie Lady to ‘expose’ Paul Judge as a cheater, Kenya still does not at all feel she owes Tanya an apology. Of course she doesn’t.
Kenya’s desperation is showing, and that slip is dingy and frayed! Just like her marriage, and without being able to brag about being a “Mrs” and finally having the perfect life, Kenya needs the relevance of RHOA. Unfortunately Tanya and Cynthia have been caught in the crossfire.
Last night Vanderpump Rules celebrated the annual SUR rite of passage: PRIDE!
In order to survive in this alternate universe known as Lisa Vanderpump Land, which at this point is indistinguishable from Lisa Frank Land (and one will equally find themselves trapperkeeper’d), one must dress up in rainbow paraphernalia, endure hours of Scheana Marie warbling “Solid Gold” on repeat, and have a hysterical selfish meltdown about their heterosexual relationships while ostensibly celebrating gay rights. This time, for the second year in a row, that prideful accomplishment goes to James Kennedy.
That’s right, bitches, the White Kanye is back and he came to lead his flock in verse and song of rage. And proving that James is here to resuscitate Vanderpump Rules he was even wearing a “Life Guard” man-tank with matching visor, like something out of a Ken Doll box.
After reserving judgment last week, I’ve decided that I think I like Below Deck Sailing Yacht. It has all the elements of a disaster but set against beautiful scenery and a competent crew.
Take Paget Berry and Ciara Duggan for instance. Together since practically infancy, isolating themselves away on a sailing yacht in a wonky tripod of living with a parental figure who is also a friend and their boss, and cut off from people their age. And in comes the new crew and suddenly Paget overhears Georgia Grobler singing in the laundry (It’s like the Little Mermaid!) and remembers that other women exist. This might come as news to Ciara as well.
Now, Paget has the sex appeal of a boiled potato, and I think it’s mainly his hair which is flaxen-colored flaccidness that belongs on an 8-year-old Norwegian in 1987. Ciara also does flattening things with her hair, and it’s odd to see something so bushy also look so… flat. But we are not here to dismember the intricacies of Pagara’s hair (or are we?) – we are here to pick apart every other thing about their relationship!
After all the drama of this season’s Below Deck I expected the reunion to be somewhere on the crazy-level of your average Real Housewives reunion, but it was clear that everyone came with a plan to redeem themselves by being on their best behavior. Sure, there were disagreements, but polite and quiet ones. Even Kevin Dobson apologized and managed to find nice things to say about Kate Chastain. Not that we forgive him.
Andy Cohen was pretty direct this reunion. Possibly even skewing towards combative. He directly questioned Kate and Captain Lee, and even argued against some of Captain Lee’s points. Basically, Andy seems tired of Captain Lee blindly defending Kate at all costs possible. To err is human and last I checked Kate is a human, not the saint of the sea.
Last night’s Real Housewives Of Atlanta should’ve won an award for worst relationships in a reality TV format. From Kenya Moore berating Tanya Sam and calling her the “C word” (over a wig!), to Mama Joyce deciding she’d rather trust an infant with her affairs than her son-in-law if Kandi Burruss dies, to Cynthia Bailey‘s finance admitting in front of his teenaged daughter that he never loved her mother… It just went on and on. The only person who escaped unscathed was Eva Marcille. But, she’s pregnant so that’s more than enough to deal with!
It’s been so long since Real Housewives Of Atlanta has aired that I legitimately forgot about Kenya fighting with Tanya over a wig reveal. This started when Kenya intimated that Tanya’s fiancé was cheating with some woman who owns a cookie shop in the same building as Cynthia’s new wine cellar.
To refresh: in Toronto, Kenya spent an entire dinner beating around the bush that somebody’s man was cheating, and even pointblank asked Tanya if she’d want to know if her fiance cheated. Of course, Kenya never gave any details about who she was referring to, but Cynthia and Kandi knew it was in reference to cookie lady claiming Paul Judge hit on her at a bar one night.
When Vanderpump Rules first catapulted into the Bravo lexicon the appeal was that was its off the cuff and unpredictable cast members whose earnestly dysfunctional relationships anchored the show, and served as a highlight to all the other nonsense.
There was a magic in its untested authenticity that was like the early seasons of Real World or Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills. Before these people realized they were going to become a phenomenon just for showing up. But alas it is now not the case. Lisa Vanderpump has now assumed the role of part Svengali/part David Copperfield; trying to make magic out of thin air and airheads.
It’s not working.
Welcome to Below Deck Sailing Yacht where there is the same drama, but in even more confined and awkward spaces! Also now accompanied by fun Pirates of the Caribbean music and some very weird super quick, out of focus camera zooms. Well this should be fun. Naut!
We are however switching from Thailand and motor yacht Valor, to Greece and Parsifal III, a motor sailing yacht where for the past 9 months Captain Glenn Shephard has been living in an awkward a-sexual menage a trois with couple Paget Berry and Ciara Duggan, awaiting the start of charter season.
One of the differences between motor yachts (like Valor from regular Below Deck) and sailing yachts seems to be that the captain and a skeleton crew always remain on board to keep the boat in shape, even when they aren’t in season.