I was all about this season of Real Housewives Of Dallas, which seemed to be moving through petty problems quickly and focusing on real friendships with light drama. Enter D’Andra Simmons’ midlife crisis and nervous breakdown coupled with LeeAnne Locken‘s 35,000th multiple personality: yuppie dharma leader who met her wealthy second husband on a zen retreat, then ditched her Birkenstocks for ballgowns and goes around Dallas selling spirituality to on the charity circuit. Now I know that’s not ACTUALLY who LeeAnne is, or even close to what she’s got going on, but in my mind when LeeAnne imagines this new so-called peacemaker persona she’s developed, this is what she’s basing it off.
Anyway, D’Andra needs to get her head out from under LeeAnne’s wedding gown (or lack thereof) and stop embarrassing herself. And LeeAnne needs to stop pretending she cares about Stephanie Hollman‘s friendship. We all see her salivating over Stephanie with a piranha grin and we know she plans to serve up Stephaphina Soup at a dinner party that Brandi Redmond is also invited to.
Stephanie is tentatively dipping the toe of her Manolo’s into a friendship with LeeAnne, but her biggest obstacle is BFF and ‘soul sister’ Brandi Redmond. However Stephanie is all about transparency this season – she’s the plastic jellies kinda friend, y’all!
You could’ve spotted Ryhlee riding the crazy train from a mile away; tooting her horn and waving a flag that reads “SS ATTENTION WHORES.” It’s always the ones who go overboard trying to prove they’re normal that cause the most mess! Of course, Chandler isn’t doing himself any favors trying to run this boat like his name is Captain Lee Rosbach when he’s merely a bosun and his second in command Ross Inia is basically doing all the work.
Chandler’s little lips are so pinched they’re the tightest burrito Chipotle ever rolled and any Real Housewife worth her margarita salt would warn him about the wrinkles this will cause. As it stands Chandler and Rhylee are on two opposite ends of the reality TV spectrum and need to stop playing tug-a-war before it becomes an all-out war. Oh, wait… too late!
The thing is this is the type of drama that only happens in the alternate reality of reality TV. In the real world if your disparate friends don’t really like each other you’d just hang out with them separately. After all, it’s not like we’re permanently stuck in high school – or Bravoland – together and forced to interact. But in reality TV land three people who have zilch in common must pretend to be part of an established friend group who is now having problems.
The problem here is that Shannon, as she said, is 20 years older than Gina, and they just don’t have a lot in common other than knowing Tamra Judge(and probably secretly hating her) and getting divorced. Except Gina’s divorce is the Unikitty version of a split. It is sparkly blue eyeshadow that leaks tiny droplets of glitter when you cry, and it is platinum fingernails to replace your platinum ring, and it is repurposing all the expensive bikinis you bought for a couples trip by just wearing them on a girl’s trip.
This season of Real Housewives Of Dallas has turned D’Andra Simmons into a ball of palpable vibrating ragemotions bursting open at the seems. Instead of hard night good morning, it’s become hard night bad day, and the stress of dealing with Mama Dee, plus financial strain has turned D’Andra into the type of woman who wears an ugly hat to hide her ugly intentions while sitting on a park bench accusing her best friend’s fiance of cheating. To quote Kameron Westcott in any and all situations, “Girl, what are you doing, girl?”
And what isD’Andra Simmons doing!? I mean, first of all, who would wear a fashion accessory that literally manifests your shady behavior? And what purpose does it serve to ruin LeeAnne Locken‘s happiness by accusing Rich of cheating (which I do not even believe)? Now I am not one to defend LeeAnne – ever – but D’Andra, that hat is the least of your problems!
Do my eyes deceive me? What of my ears?! Is it possible that Below Deck is filled with competent individuals who actually know what they’re doing in? Ahoy new maties, but I know y’all are not just professional yachties but professional drama-starters too.
After the devastation in the Caribbean Captain Lee Rosbach is anxious to explore the uncharted territory of Tahiti. Captain Lee fancies himself a regular-old Ponce de Leonce, explorer of a vast new world. Joining him to conquer the alcoholics of the high seas, is his intrepid first mate Kate “Champagne Is My Personal Jesus” Chastain.
Sheesh was last night’s Real Housewives Of Orange County a big ole snooze. When the most exciting thing that happens is Shannon Beador bending over on national TV (and I don’t think she was attempting the Legally Blonde Bend & Snap!) before wobbling her own self-described gut, you know it’s gonna be a good one!
Look, I feel for Gina Whatserfacernameo, but I am so tired of her talking about her divorce! I KNOW, I KNOW – getting divorced is traumatic, painful, and all-consuming, but we’re not connected to Gina or Mystery Meat Matt who just walked through our door, and yet every episode features Gina crying over how she knows she’s doing the right thing by ending her marriage, but yada, yada, yada…