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LeeAnne Locken & Cary Deuber Make Amends On RHOD

Season 3 of Real Housewives Of Dallas opened with everyone willing to make amends with LeeAnne Locken like all the crazy threats of last season didn’t happen. Unless thy name is Brandi Redmond it’s time to move forward in Dallas.

The episode begins with the most wonderful news! After trying to get pregnant and suffering a miscarriage Brandi and her husband Bryan have found the needle in the haystack: a red-headed, green-eyed baby up for adoption. Actually, Stephanie Hollman found him through her friend’s adoption agency. The details of this are fuzzy, like was this baby just sitting around? But essentially Stephanie texted Brandi asking if she wanted to adopt and Brandi’s reply was “Human?”

Bruin is in fact human. And he manages to also humanize Brandi. The second Brandi met him he grasped her finger and wouldn’t let go, and she knew it was meant to be. It does sound absolutely perfect.

Real Housewives Of Dallas Season 2 Recap: Catch Up On The All The Feuds, Friendships, Drama, And Mayhem!

Yay me – I get to recap Real Housewives Of Dallas this season and I am a huge fan. I’m a rooter for the underdogs, what can I say (I also liked Real Housewives Of Miami).

For season 3 Brandi Redmond (thankfully not talking about poop), Stephanie Hollman, Cary Deuber, LeeAnne Locken, D’Andra Simmons, and Kameron Westcott are all returning.

So before we dive into this season of carnie craziness lets recap all the highlights, lowlights, feuds, and dramas from last season. 

Brooke confronts Hannah

Last night on Below Deck Mediterranean, Hannah Ferrier finally got called out for being all talk no work, but that doesn’t mean she developed ethics. No, ma’am!

I don’t know why Hannah is so uptight about being called materialist. I mean, basically, all she talks about, except when she’s complaining about how overworked, tired, and exhausted she is, are her possessions. You’d think a woman who prefaces the description of every item she owns with a whiny “It’s EXXXPENSIVEEEE (to be me)” would happily revel in being described as materialistic, the way a Kardashian does. This is akin to calling them saint-like and altruistic. They have punted right over the top of the Maslow’s hierarchy of needs to plonk a gold star on top.

RHOC Poker Party

If there’s one thing Kelly Dodd learned on last night’s episode of Real Housewives Of Orange County it’s that when you bet on a friendship with Vicki Gunvalson, you always lose!

We also got a big dose of the new girls last night. While Emily Simpson seems sweet, almost too normal, that Gina Cantevenbebotherwithwhatsherlastname is, well, to be frank, annoying as f–k! Since we know Gina is a New Yawker who tells it like it is and doesn’t hold back or hang around “pusses,” I think she’d be fine with my assessment of her personality.

Doubly annoying is Gina’s constant comparison of New York vs. OC. As if everyone in Orange County is a backstabbing, judgmental, harlot (there are) out to destroy her tender, open-heart (they are), but girl… please – we have all seen Real Housewives Of New York! We know Ramona Singer, and the likes of her are as judgmental as they come. We also know that Gina wouldn’t last one cocktail in that cesspool of rabid cougars.

Joao Franco & Kasey Cohen

Oh to have Hannah Ferrier‘s life on Below Deck Mediterranean: lounging around worrying over boy drama, smoking, folding some napkins before hopping on boats to party with guests, and then the audacity of being called a gold digger because she expects her men to have big, bulging … savings accounts. Oh Hannah, put down the cancer sticks and get a reality check!

Hannah and Conrad Empson are fighting over money. Specifically: this little Euro spent on Hannah’s wine, that little Euro spent on expensive wine and dinner Hannah chose, and several piggy little Euros went to more of Hannah’s expensive boozy tastes; so one huffy cougar is blowing Conrad’s meager savings right away!

Vicki GUnvalson is called out for breaking Girl Code

Just when I thought there was going to be a season of everyone getting along on Real Housewives Of Orange County, enter two new girls and the fatuous ego of one Vicki Gunvalson who will not understand human relationships no matter how many zillions of times it makes her Housewives reunions a living hell.

The so-called Three Amigas are banned back from Mexico worse for the wear, but they’re cemented by friendship bracelets (we saw how well those worked out the last time!) and added a dance to their lineup that’s essentially a hokeypokey with hip thrust – perfect for these three in denial cheeseballs. Tamra Judge is especially bad off. She went from a hot glam’ma to a deflated scooter-wielding spring break failure. It’s like a Tina Fey movie where the uncool girl who never got to do spring break goes back as a chaperone in her 40’s. At least Tamra has Vicki to push her around to all the hot docs in OC. Vicki was everyone’s mama this episode, wasn’t she? Like getting that slap in the face that Gina Kirchenwallerhallerdingdong is the same age as Briana – and just as opinionated about Vicki’s boondoggles! Youngins today – no respect for their elders…

Tamra, Shannon, & Vicki bond in Mexico

Last night’s Real Housewives Of Orange County redefined naked wasted. It was the Golden Girls meets The Hangover and Tamra Judge baptized herself in tequila and got a broken foot for her sins.

I apologize in advance if this recap makes no sense – I guzzled two glasses of wine to cope with the second-hand embarrassment of all the shenanigans and now I feel like Tamra in a hot tub at 2 am: completely lacking in judgement and doing slip and sad reminiscent of an 80’s rock video back when MTV and Tamra were young and their misbehavior funny.

It’s always nice when the RHOC take us out of the church to remind us that no Housewife, no matter how much she protests, can ever truly turn her back on her satanic impulses. Where there be tequila, there be whoop it up and a turn to temptation that delivers Tamra straight back to evil. There’s a certain relief in such consistency, but I applaud Tamra for trying to pretend she wants to do the right thing (no I don’t. I’m over her fake Christian routine, although I am glad she has Eddie whom she seems to sincerely love and cherish.) 

Hannah with Kenny

While Hannah Ferrier was lazing in bed, having GrubHub show up food delivered by adoring servants and generally ignoring her responsibilities, everything else on Below Deck Mediterranean was smooth as a rubber slide covered in dish detergent!

The guests – the infamous, notorious, dastardly anti-onionists Kenny and Amber were happy, the crew was unified, Conrad Empson was able to set up the slide without a powerpoint presentation from Joao Franco, and even Kasey Cohen managed to activate the coffee machine without a Willy Wonka like explosion. The common denominator here has to be Hannah – either that or the no onions. There’s no way I’m blaming Jamie Jason for anything.