“People are rotten everywhere you go. They’re no good. You want to see a very bad man? Make an ordinary man successful beyond his imagination. Let’s see how good he is when he can do whatever he wants.” ‘Pachinko’ by Min Jin Lee.
And that quote defines Vanderpump Rules. Here we have just some ordinary obnoxious people, but they are successful merely for being in the right time at the right place. First we suffered through Jax Taylor‘s delusional hubris consuming the first half of the season and now we are subjected to Stassi Schroeder‘s obnoxious arrogance for the remainder of it.
In the umpteenth week of quarantine I could give less fucks than Giggy; barely dragging myself across the marble floors in my scruffy slipper feet. Everyone but Giggy is trying harder than Charli Burnett‘s pants at the strip club. Actually I like Charli. Charli is surprisingly wry and snarky. I like Danica Dow too. Danica is psycho and it’s gonna keep creeping up again and again in interesting ways. I said it once, and I’ll say it again: Danica is the new Jax. Or maybe Season 1 & 2 Kristen Doute?
Last night on Vanderpump Rules we celebrated the re-wedding of Tom Schwartz and Katie Maloney. Although the relationship continuation of these two toxic assholes is definitely not something anyone should be celebrating, I have to acknowledge that it was the most perfect wedding this show has ever had.
TomKatastrophe 2.0 totally encapsulated the cluster-fucky spirit of what we initially loved about Vanderpump Rules: real friends, down on their luck, but somehow pulling it together and making the most of it. Of course, there were two notable absences to this momentous event: Scheana Marie and Kristen Doute.
Scheana was off getting her eggs retrieved. No, she wasn’t at Whole Foods buying a half dozen in order to chat up the hot 20 year old in the dairy department who is just like her BEST. FRIEND. She just bought him a Roomba after they made eyes when she dropped a carton of skim milk, so now they’re like totally moving from the crush stage to the instagram stories official phase. To Scheana BFF stands for Best Fuck Friend. Scheana’s problem is that her brain is 13 but her biological clock is 34.
The Jesus Barbie returns to haunt us on tonight’s Real Housewives Of Orange County. That’s right, Alexis Bellinio will be back on Bravo to open up about divorcing Chinplant Jim Bellinio and give Emily Simpson some advice about knowing when to walk away from your miserable marriage.
While the rest of the women return to the OC after the never-ending healing trip to Miraval, Kelly Dodd remains in Arizona to reconnect with her family. If Kelly can forgive Vicki Gunvalson, she can forgive anyone, right! And Kelly must be inspired because she reaches out to her brother JR about reconnecting with her estranged brother Eric and her mom, Bobbi.
Tonight the drama in Miraval only escalates for the ladies of Real Housewives Of Orange County when Vicki Gunvalson arrives!
Shannon Beador returns from a stressful trip to Urgent Care, and while her head is fine her friendship with Kelly Dodd… definitely in need of urgent resuscitation! Kelly attempts to defend ‘gonging’ Shannon, but winds up making the situation worse by refusing to take Shannon’s
wounded pride feelings seriously
Well, you can take the Real Housewives Of Orange County out of the gilded prison that is the gates of Coto, but you can’t take the Coto out of the girls! Which means that on a supposed wellness retreat to the Miraval in Arizona, everything goes to pot. Or should I say… bowl.
Before seeking serenity, Kelly Dodd seeks financial freedom and security when she invests in a new health drink (with an ironic name) and heads to a wellness expo to practice her pitch on prospective buyers.
Tonight Real Housewives Of Orange County makes another stop on the Kelly Dodd express – this time though the tunnel of Bruanwyn Windham-Burke‘s lies.
Gina Kirschenheiter‘s Beverly Hills experience continues with a surprise double-decker bus trip through Hollywood as part of the NEW and FRIENDLY and FUN Shannon Beador. You know, the Shannon Beador who doesn’t sob constantly and have rage-fueled meltdowns!
On tonight’s Real Housewives Of Orange County the drama really ramps up when Kelly Dodd learns that Vicki Gunvalson has started spreading a NEW rumor accusing her of salacious behavior. I mean could they at least resolve the cocaine rumor first?
Even though Shane Simpson has no interest in going to Las Vegas with Emily Simpson to celebrate their anniversary, Emily’s decided to still going through with her plans to bring sexy back (with herself?) by learning a racy dance routine. Since Emily’s vaycay has turned into a girls’ trip instead of a couples trip, Kelly and Braunwyn Windham-Burke attend her dance rehearsal to provide some pointers.