Last night on Vanderpump Rules we celebrated the re-wedding of Tom Schwartz and Katie Maloney. Although the relationship continuation of these two toxic assholes is definitely not something anyone should be celebrating, I have to acknowledge that it was the most perfect wedding this show has ever had.
TomKatastrophe 2.0 totally encapsulated the cluster-fucky spirit of what we initially loved about Vanderpump Rules: real friends, down on their luck, but somehow pulling it together and making the most of it. Of course, there were two notable absences to this momentous event: Scheana Marie and Kristen Doute.
Scheana was off getting her eggs retrieved. No, she wasn’t at Whole Foods buying a half dozen in order to chat up the hot 20 year old in the dairy department who is just like her BEST. FRIEND. She just bought him a Roomba after they made eyes when she dropped a carton of skim milk, so now they’re like totally moving from the crush stage to the instagram stories official phase. To Scheana BFF stands for Best Fuck Friend. Scheana’s problem is that her brain is 13 but her biological clock is 34.
Scrambled signals aside this time Scheana is getting her actual eggs retrieved in the event one of her crushes ever elevates to mate. With surgery scheduled and hormones raging, Scheana can’t come to Vegas. It wasn’t clear if she was invited anyway?
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Kristen just straight up wasn’t invited. No one even missed her which was the most stinging part. Scheana and Kristen are left behind in LA to cry into Hard Claws about how hard it is to be truly alone.
Scheana’s situation is even more depressing because she’s forced to brunch with 2 twenty-something SURvers whose eyes glaze over as she warbles on about her hormones. To them eggs is brunch and being over 30 qualifies you for an AARP discount. The day of surgery Scheana doesn’t have anyone to worry about her so she goes to SUR pretending to need her check, but really hoping to find some solace. There she will find some people; some support. But all her people are in Vegas, so the only person Scehaan finds is Dayna Kathan, polishing glasses.
The look of mutual disappointment that passed between these two was palpable. Scheana forced to sit down and mumble something about how she’s sorry for meddling in Dayna and Brett Caprioni‘s fledging romance. See Scheana was all hopped up on hormones and when she learned Dayna and Brett had a date, and tattled to Max Boyens, Brett’s buddy and Dayna’s ex. Now Max is annoyed with Brett. Which makes absolutely NO sense considering he had a chance to rekindle things with Dayna, but rejected her. (After most likely cheating on her to begin with).
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The other person meddling in Dayna and Brett’s potential happiness is Danica Dow. Oh Danica… she continues to be more interesting by the day. Danica warns Dayna that things with Brett can’t work out because she’s a Leo and he’s a Pisces, and Pisces are just way too sensitive. Like they may file restraining orders against you because you put a rancid hot dog in their mailbox, stuffed it with a fire cracker, and yelled FLACCID DICK before lighting it and running away. Not that I’ve ever done anything like that before… Not that Danica has either.
But Danica did manage to rack up two restraining orders from her Pisces exes, so you know — it’s a thing that happens with these emotional water signs. Danica drops the restraining order bit in the confessionals completely calmly, as she’s applying chapstick, like all good sociopaths do. And seems surprised when the producers probe for more details. Danica is definitely the next Jax Taylor and I LOVE IT!
I also love Charli Burnett. At first I thought Charli was as dumb as people think Raquel Leviss is, but Charli is witty and she’s growing on me week after week. Like when Charli jokes with Raquel about thinking Brett wanted to be her friend until then she remembered that to men in LA, vaginas don’t have faces. She also realizes that Brett is thirsty and working the rounds at SUR finding his soul mate of the week. By now his diary must be filled with crossed out hearts that have his initials + whatever girl he’s currently into.
The best part of the LA scenes was when Raquel and James Kennedy went to dinner with Dayna and Brett. James was so happy, alive and light. His laughter was infectious and he truly seemed like a different person – so young and fresh. Raquel is so proud of him and as a sobriety bonus the sex is better. It’s real sex. Not sloppy drunk hook-ups after the frat party sex. I love seeing James like this.
Before disembarking to Vegas Lisa Vanderpump has Ken Todd take her Christian Louboutin to buy some wedding finery. I love how Lisa was speaking in hushed, reverent tones as if Louboutin was indeed her church. Lisa is delighted that she will be taking over for the second wedding of TomKatastrophe. Everyone will be staying at Caesars Palace where Lisa will also begin work on their newly planned Vanderpump Suite, a collaboration with who else but Nick Alain. Ken is along for the ride – aka puppy purse carting – as always.
Well Scheana may not have been physically in Vegas her doppleganger was! There at Vanderpump Cocktail Garden, where all wedding events must take place as a built-in advertisement for what Lisa hopes is a spinoff to accompany her Vegas expansion pack, is a girl named Karrah who is literally Scheana 2.0. They talk alike, they dress alike, they look alike, they flirt alike (heavy on the desperation), and cutting across the garden is the unmistakable seal-life bark of Pseud0-Scheana. Jax is actually spooked. Lisa certainly has a type! And it turns out so does Max. After sleeping with Scheana he takes Pseudo-Scheana to bed. Lisa is all too thrilled to learn of this indiscretion. Her staff are such naughty, naughty dogs – just the way she likes them. I wonder if Pseudo-Scheana is gonna buy him an Apple Watch? Seems like an apple is more in her budget.
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Nearly every second of this Vegas trip seemed so staged and phony. From Max ‘hooking up’ with the Pseudo-Scheana and Lisa happening to FaceTime him just as the girl emerges from his bed, to Tom 2 ‘accidentally’ finding a bra in his suitcase. Katie pretends to be outraged that a random bra is lurking in Bubba’s luggage the day before their second wedding, but her outrage is … muted. Insincere, maybe? She can’t even really muster up the emotion to care. Tom almost seems relieved that the wedding might be off. Again. His only joy in this is that Tom 1 will be officiating and he gets to wear a super snazzy fringed cowboy shirt.
Tom 2 was actually all ready with snarky comments about how Katie doesn’t turn him on, when he realized he could just use this bra as a get out of jail free card; run tail and hide in Tom and Ariana’s room. It turned out to be Lisa playing an elaborate prank where she slipped the bra into Tom’s suitcase. She asks Katie to let him squirm. Initially, before Katie supposedly knew Lisa was behind bra-gate, she still didn’t look too upset. In fact she looked relieved too. But alas it was too good to be true.
Tom is actually excited that it’s Lisa’s bra – of all women! Tom wants to keep it so he can smell Lisa’s opulence. To rest his face in the plush cups and feel a sense of milf-y swaddling. A reminder that no matter how old he grows, his mentality can always stay stunted.
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Tom has competition though. Brett is also pretending to be in love with Lisa and joking about his mommy issues fetish. I hate this game on Vanderpump Rules. How the most hapless dopey guys must pretend worship Lisa as the sexiest woman they’ve ever seen. I’m not saying Lisa isn’t a stunning woman – she is. Nor am I saying she doesn’t deserve adoration – she does, but repeatedly trotting out a storyline of these boys wanting her to Mrs. Robinson them, never really seems authentic. Whatever.
So after a raucus re-bachelor/ bachelorette party at Vanderpump Cocktail Garden which ended with Lisa ziplining after two giggy-tinis, Tom and Katie began their second foray to say ‘I Shouldn’t Do.’ This time Tom and Stassi Schroeder are joint officiating, dressed as an Elvis impersonator and a slutty nun. Max is the flower boy (tourist?) and Ariana is randomly wearing a fanny pack and Hawaiian shirt. Lala Kent and Brittany Cartwright are dressed normally for a wedding and escort Katie down the aisle where there is Tom, in all his splendor, greasy and drunk and preparing to officially die. Lisa looks on, grinning and pleased, in stunning floral number. Jax is wearing a white tuxedo. Part Vegas/part surrender to chutzpah.
And then TomKatastrophe is re-hitched! At the reception dinner Stassi stares Beau Clark down with the angsty-est look; glowering about sitting there not engaged and not married. The only other woman at the table in this predicament. Other than Ariana who doesn’t want to be and therefore doesn’t count. Little does Stassi know that just that day Beau phoned her father to ask permission to propose. A tradition I find insulting and insurable. Especially when the true approval must come from Mutha Lisa. Over dinner Beau slips down to Lisa’s end of the table to reveal his proposal plans. Lisa is overjoyed, but not so keen on Beau’s plan to do it in a cemetery. It’s a two-for-one deal! He’s signing his life away to the devil and Stassi loves to bury people alive for fun, so you know!
The next morning Tom 2 wakes up a married man. Errrrrr… hopefully! I’m sure no one – including Katie – is surprised to learn that he already misplaced the second wedding license. The one Tom 1 and Stassi signed as witnesses not 2 seconds after proclaiming them re-man and wife. Tom 2 thought he put it in his backpack, but then he had some drinks, and the dog ate his homework after he was abducted by aliens from planet Scheana-Tequila, and then he found his way in Max’s bed, hearing Lisa’s voice through an over the loudspeaker that also told when the pep rally was, and suddenly the piece of paper was shredded into cheese he found on a taco at the Hollywood Cemetery.
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Katie’s repose is to scoff, but truthfully she doesn’t look that annoyed. Hmmm… are these two gaslighting the show? Pulling the ultimate long con? At this point they’ve gotten Bravo to pay for 2 weddings and not a one was legit. As Brittany explained it’s way harder to walk away once that paper makes it official! So if Katie and Tom are in this together, I’m impressed. Hell, even if Tom is acting alone – still impressed!
After all what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. Right?!
TELL US – DO YOU THINK TOM LOST THE MARRIAGE LICENSE AGAIN? SHOULD DAYNA GIVE BRETT A CHANCE?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]