Vanderpump Rules Recap: Witches Of NoWhere

“People are rotten everywhere you go. They’re no good. You want to see a very bad man? Make an ordinary man successful beyond his imagination. Let’s see how good he is when he can do whatever he wants.” ‘Pachinko’ by Min Jin Lee.

And that quote defines Vanderpump Rules. Here we have just some ordinary obnoxious people, but they are successful merely for being in the right time at the right place. First we suffered through Jax Taylor‘s delusional hubris consuming the first half of the season and now we are subjected to Stassi Schroeder‘s obnoxious arrogance for the remainder of it.

In the umpteenth week of quarantine I could give less fucks than Giggy; barely dragging myself across the marble floors in my scruffy slipper feet. Everyone but Giggy is trying harder than Charli Burnett‘s pants at the strip club. Actually I like Charli. Charli is surprisingly wry and snarky. I like Danica Dow too. Danica is psycho and it’s gonna keep creeping up again and again in interesting ways. I said it once, and I’ll say it again: Danica is the new Jax. Or maybe Season 1 & 2 Kristen Doute?

This brings me to the Witches of WeHo. Sadly disbanded, both in wine and in friendship. I’m still kinda confused. The gist being that Stassi and Katie Maloney grew tired of Kristen’s shenanigans of saying one thing but doing another, and her fake relationship (which can be said of Katie and Tom 2 too), so they just dropped her. Now they resent Kristen because they’re still contractually obligated to spend time with her. Both because they are co-owners of a wine no one has ever consumed, and because they are co-stars on Vanderpump Rules. It’s a delicate line to walk — especially when you’re chronically drunk.

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While Kristen has been working her ass off to save this wine collection (as if saving the wine will equate to saving her friendships) Stassi and Katie have been ignoring her. She literally did everything to prepare for the party unveiling their new rose, while Stassi compared herself to Beyonce leaving Destiny’s Child. So what does that make Katie exactly?

Stassi claims she doesn’t like working with her friends except she built an entire podcast around talking with her friends. So… Also Stassi and Katie don’t have to like Kristen, but they could still be professional. Oh, who am I kidding – no they can’t. They are poisoning Potion No 2 on purpose so their distributors pull out and they can fully ditch Kristen.

The other thing complicating this issue is Beau Clark. Kristen  introduced Beau and Stassi, but seems to believe she deserves eternal grace. Poor whittle Beau. He oughtta be cursing Kristen for hooking him up with Stassi, a woman so pathologically insecure and neurotic that she wants to breathe for him. Their entire relationship is Beau staring at Stassi like a deer caught in headlights, nodding constantly like a Tourettes tic. The same things that made Stassi charmingly satanic when she was dating Jax are the things that make her truly deranged with regards to Beau. Beau is just so hapless. He just doesn’t deserve Stassi’s rages, yet here he is and planning an elaborate proposal.

Katie and Tom 2 visit Stassi’s and she shares about going to the gyno to ensure her baby cavity is operable. Since Stassi and Beau aren’t not trying for a baby and all! This appears to be surprising news to Beau. Stassi is planning a forever life with Beau whether he wants to or not… Which means what? Syphoning off his sperm into a wine bottle and using a perfume atomizer to insert it up her manicured cootch? Does Beau get any say in what happens to him anymore? Rhetorical question. Beau’s balls are permanently locked in Stassi’s hope chest, which is also where she stores her hand guns and her spell book. When she’s really feeling winsome, she pops them into her Birkin, locks it up tight, and takes them for a walk. They may even have their own little leash. Pale blue, and studded with rhinestones of course!

Upon seeing Tom 2‘s ‘awwww shucks – wedding license was lost again, but danggit the preacher still sent away the forms so I guess it’s legal!’ response to flopping a second wedding, Beau should be very aware of how his life is gonna play out. Not well, bitch.

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Vanderpump Rules Beau Clark

The day of the wine launch Beau pays a visit to Lisa Vanderpump‘s to discuss the engagement party she’s throwing for them. Lisa suggests that, despite the animosity, Kristen still be invited. Someday she may make amends with Stassi and they would all regret that she wasn’t there. Beau promises he’ll feel out the situation at the Witches of WeHo party. Thus begins a horrible chain of events.  Oh, Beau – silly thing. Pretending he has decision-making powers!

Then there is Scheana Marie. Someone help this woman! Iyanla?! Oprah?! Maury Povitch?! Anyone!

Vanderpump Rules Lisa Vanderpump

Lisa is enjoying ONE fried goat cheeseball when Scheana plops down to complain that neither Brett Caprioni nor Max Boyens called her to ask about her eggs. Lisa is completely surprised that Scheana is still so clueless about how men work, and also about how desperate she comes across. Still – Scheana loves being single you guys! She’s paving the way for middle-aged fuck girls everywhere to not cower in shame. She is the new Samantha from Sex and The City. Her life is Solid Gold, not tarnished brass! Scheana needs a self-help book, but instead she hires a psychic.

I feel like I missed some things somewhere, but all of the sudden Scheana is at Dayna Kathan‘s with a surprise birthday present: a psychic so Dayna can commune with her dead mom! Dayna is surprised, but not in the good way. Surprised like when you’re Scheana and you learn your ‘best friend’ was actually just using you for sex and a new iPhone, but you thought he was agreeing to donate his sperm and share a Verizon plan.

Vanderpump Rules Dayna Kathan

Scheana is actually so excited to give Dayna the gift of the dead that she bursts into tears at her own amazing generosity. Scheana gives gifts because she wants the praise and adulation that comes with people thinking she is generous and thoughtful. Dayna is actually appalled and grows even more confused when it sounds like Scheana has the psychic waiting downstairs, ready to burst in chanting and swinging incense. Did Scheana get Dayna confused with Stassi? Who actually could use a psychic right now to calm her nerves about when Beau is gonna propose.

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Vanderpump Rules Scheana Marie Psychic

Of course Scheana being Scheana she pretends like the psychic was just something she planned for Dayan to have someday, but here’s where it gets REALLY psycho. After Scheana leaves Dayna overhears her talking to someone. She looks out the window to see Scheana explaining to the psychic that Dayna is an ungrateful bitch who doesn’t appreciate her – just like all the men in her life! Yet Scheana still denies that she planned to ambush Dayna with the psychic. WHAT IS GOING ON?! This is so weird I actually believe it’s real.

Dayna catches Scheana in lies so easily she’s the equivalent of Scheana fly paper. Also Scheana got hit by a scooter and now has a huge bandage on her knee and a ripped up hand so she won’t be joining them at the strip club later that evening. Where they’re celebrating … Dayna’s birthday… Again? My brain hurts.

Vanderpump Rules Brett Caprioni

James Kennedy and Raquel Leviss are there, Dayna, Danica, Charli, and Brett. Dayna slobbers all over Brett, calling him the the most gorgeous man she’s ever seen. Whereas Charli is disgusted because he seems like the type of dude who cries after sex. I’m with Charli! There’s some pointless conversation where Brett tries to confront Danica for saying he wasn’t right for Dayna, but Danica’s point is that Dayna ounce fucked Max – Brett’s bestie – so it’s just weird. Except Brett is from New Jersey where apparently that’s normal. Then Dayna interrupts so they just start talking about how fucked up Scheana is. Danica says Scheana wants everyone to think she’s perfect so she lies, but she’s really imperfect at lying.

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There’s one final bizarre moment in the back alley of SUR, near the dumpster of dead dreams, where Scheana unloads on Brett for not calling her after eggs, then accident. Scheana is tired of being taken for granted! Then Dayna intervenes. Is this girl like Inspector Gadget? She talks like a robot, spouting Instagram memes about truth and wellness, and she’s always barging in in the middle of drama to make things more convoluted.

I can’t connect with Dayna because she seems so… hollow. Like if I knocked on her head I’d actually hear an echo. In comparison to Scheana, who is probably made of cotton candy. If I knocked on her head my hand would just sink into a gooey, sticky, fluffy abyss and then my hand would smell saccharine all day and feel gummy.

Dayna is still weirded out by the secret psychic surprise. Scheana shrugs that she was just trying to do a nice thing. Probably she’s mad about Max and Brett and hoped the psychic would reveal some embarrassing information about Dayna which Scheana could immediately text to Max.

That’s the thing about Scheana – her need and drive for attention outweighs everything else. She’s hard to like because she tries so hard to be liked that it’s almost painful. Scheana even admits that although she plays off all these bogus relationships as stepping stones to her future perfect love at some point all the disappointments, dashed hopes, and crossed out hearts with initials in them have actually hurt her self-esteem. Now she’s 34 and chasing boy toys with the aim of pretending the last 8 years never happened.

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That’s probably what Kristen thinks too. That if she just acts perfect enough and professional enough, just for this one time on this one day, Stassi and Katie will pretend the last 8 months or 8 years or 88 minutes – or whatever that moment was that made them realize she wasn’t their friend – never happened. Instead it is James who gets time turned back.

Vanderpump Rules James Kennedy

He meets Lala Kent at the studio for some recording and afterwards they talk sobriety. Lala is all ready to welcome sober James with open arms as they bond about what it’s like to truly embrace a life without booze. Lala is so happy for James, and I’m glad he’s accepting of her support, but I wanted James to ask her why 2 weeks ago she was coming for him over Logan and calling Raquel a nothing? Where is Lala’s accountability?!

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Vanderpump Rules Beau Clark Kristen Doute

Then it is time for the Witches of WeHo party. The entire thing devolves into a mess of Stassi screaming at Beau, Kristen screaming at Beau, and Beau holding his head in his hands and moaning. Beau is a man possessed. Two witches are warring for him which means he will come to a bad end. Stassi is horrified that Beau refuses to cut Kristen out of his life the like the pox she is on Stassi’s soul. Kristen demands to know why Beau can’t still be her friend, then accuses him of being afraid of Stassi. Which is exactly what’s going on! Beau is so afraid of Stassi he can barely speak in complete sentences around her and that’s why she loves him so much.

Stassi barges over, fully converted to Dark Passenger, while Kristen is shaking Beau down and calls her a weirdo for believing she has any relevance in Beau’s life. Instead of Beau telling Stassi that Lisa hopes they can patch things up, he feebly tries to argue that he can decide who is friends are. Stassi freaks out. She literally demands Beau pledge his loyalty to her and only her from hence forward. “Aren’t I your person?” she shrieks, before storming out in tears. I’m pretty sure Stassi believed this was their wedding ceremony.

Vanderpump Rules Stassi Schroeder

All this time Beau has, in the back of his mind, that the very next day he’s proposing. Dude — this was your sign to run. RUN. Stassi is holding a bouquet of red flags, and all of them are attached to an arrow with a poisoned tip. Stassi claims she’s having flashbacks to Kristen cheating with Jax, then lying about it – but she can’t possibly believe she’s ready to marry Beau while simultaneously believing he’s so untrustworthy? Stassi needs therapy, not a ring. Especially because Beau was explaining to Kristen that while she’s his friend, Stassi’s his priority.

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Also if Stassi is so mad at Kristen for being immature in relationships, what exactly was this meltdown tantrum she threw? At a business launch no less! But Kristen is SOOO eternally exhausting. This thing with Beau — it’s not her battle. She just needs to stop.

Vanderpump Rules Scheana Marie

Also here’s Scheana – so relived that someone else is making a huge ass of themselves!


[Photo Credits: Bravo]